The Men (or Women) Tell All episodes always come with a certain level of WHOA—was his skin that orange on the show? Wow, someone’s put on a few since Bora Bora—but this Men Tell All edition really took the Bachelor franchise to new heights–or I guess, in this case, lows–of pathetic.
Topping the creepo chart was none other than host and fearless leader Chris Harrison, who may or may not have been on some serious, judgment-impairing methamphetamines during the taping, based on his appalling behavior. From commenting on future Bachelor Baby’s junk–#that’snotathumb—to digging through the trash for Andi’s lie detector results, to not-so-subtly hitting on Marquel, Chris H. was really in exceptional form.
Of course, not far behind Chris H. were those responsible for Bachelor Baby’s junk, yes, J.P. and Ashley, I’m lookin’ at you. I don’t know what these two were on last night, but I’m pretty certain the on-set ultrasound ranks #1 in the most exploitative Bachelor moments of all time. Not sure how Ash found a maxidress with a conveniently placed slit on one side—Half-off at Nordies: Maternity maxidresses perfect for revealing your baby’s gender on national TV in a shameless publicity ploy!—but the minute she hunkered down in J.P.’s arms and opened that thing up, I was like NO. NONONONONO. I appreciate the miracle of life, but I didn’t need to see it in high-def.
But really, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? Maybe Ash’s dental school loans are heftier than she anticipated, or J.P.’s construction biz has gone belly-up (no pun intended), and they needed a quick influx of cash. Still though, there has to be a better way; like maybe Hooters, since thanks to this pregnancy Ashley’s boobs have grown to mythical proportions.
Fast forward to four months from now, at the premiere of the next Bachelor season: the first-ever Bachelor bris, live, featuring Baby Boy Rosenbaum! Poor kid.
F.C. FOR NEXT BACHELOR
Speaking of the next season, did anyone else note the suuuuper subtle (read: extremely obvious) hints that Farmer Chris, heretofore known as F.C., is going to be the next Bachelor? Note the multiple times Chris H. referred to F.C. as “mature,” “open,” and “the perfect gentleman.” Also, by Chris H.’s estimation, here are all the things America loves about F.C.:
-His denim shirt
-His dick (no, I’m just kidding, legally Chris H. is only allowed to make one junk reference per show.)
Yep, I smell topnotes of Next Bachelor fever brewing. Personally I think watching him on the show is going to be about as interesting as watching the cornstalks come up in F.C.’s Iowan fields, but maybe I’m just biased because I’ve never been attracted to flannel, or attempts at mustaches.
Not far behind the intrigue surrounding who will be the next Bachelor was the shameless plugging for Bachelor In Paradise, which apparently features every single ex-Bachelor and Bachelorette saddo who hasn’t managed to find love—or at least a hookup—via normal avenues such as bars or Tinder. Can’t wait to see Crazy Clare, Crazy Ashley, and I-didn’t-know-she-was-crazy-but-I-guess-she-must-be-crazy Sara duke it out for…ugh, seriously… effing Dylan and Chris Bukowski?! Come on, ladies, have some self-respect! You can do better than a guy who doesn’t wash his hands after he pees (I don’t care what Dylan said, the lie detector don’t lie, yo) and a guy who literally lives for “spontaneous” Bachelor/ette appearances. I mean, did anyone else miss the moment last night where Chris B. literally attempted to physically muscle himself onto the stage? Does this guy have a job?!?
Finally, we actually get to spend some time with the dudes of this past season! +5 for poking fun at their season-long scarf fetish, -15 for the three guys wearing bright red pantaloons, weirdly all seated next to each other.
Most improved: Goes to Dylan, who at long last got a haircut, and golfer Nick S., who apparently got some hair plugs.
Most devolved: Hands-down J.J., who looks like he’s on coke and tries to steal the show with some rambling vague speech about things he feels he needs to say, while not saying anything. Stick to sewing, Wonderhands.
About the entire time with the guys was spent “dissecting” what happened with Andrew and Marquel: did he use a racial slur? Did he not use a racial slur? I literally LOL-ed when Andrew, upon being asked by Chris H. what he actually did say to J.J. at the Rose Ceremony, whipped out this gem: “All I said was it’s been a long night and when is this going to be over with.” Yeah, Andrew, that’s definitely what you said in the .5 seconds we saw you leaning over to J.J. on the video. I don’t know how the guys and audience just all blindly accepted this boldfaced lie.
Andrew: Ron, I just want to say to you…
Marquel: I’m Marquel
Marquel: I’m MARQUEL. NOT RON. MARQUEL.
Andrew: Oh f**k… how am I supposed to know, brother, you dudes all look the same! But I’m not a racist!
But seriously, there were so many things I would have rather discussed about Marquel than his skin color. Like, the fact that he has a very pronounced lisp that I never noticed while on the show. Or the fact that he was wearing a freaking chocolate chip cookie pin.
Then we hear a bit from Marcus, where thankfully we don’t relive that awful stripping session in Dallas, and of course from F.C., acting all gentlemanly and next-Bachelory. WTF was that “spontaneous audience question” to F.C. from the Canadian? I know pickings may be slim in Alberta or wherever the hell you’re from, honey, but there’s no need to debase yourself like that. Also note how F.C. was sooo not interested, he was like “You’re from Canada. I don’t know where Canada is. This will never work.”
At last, Andi’s trotted out in the twelfth hour, wearing maybe the shortest minidress I have ever seen on anyone, ever. I actually think I saw cooch when she crossed her legs to sit down, and after Ashley’s little exhibitionist display earlier I was like, I have seen enough body parts that are supposed to stay covered tonight to last a lifetime, okay?
Andi: Ooh, this seat feels a little hot… and smells like ultrasound gel. Why is that?
The guys get to fire off “tough questions” in Andi’s direction, whereupon she proves she might not have lost the lawyer in her after all as she successfully talks around every single one.
After gamely sitting through Chris H. exposing her “secrets” (i.e. carefully crafted responses) recorded by the lie detector, and making us all endure some wacky bloopers, we get a sneak preview of the two remaining guys…. who we already know… because we’ve spent, like, a million years watching this shit!
Be sure to tune in next week for the finale, when Andi gets a live colonoscopy and reveals which guy has won her heart
for the next three months forever!