You guys. YOU GUYS. Tonight’s Bachelor is three hours long!



I mean, seriously.



It’s like


So you’re just getting bullet points unless something amazing happens. Look, they’re trying to cancel ACA, I have to practice self-care now.

Also, I will just observe that the actual “episode” of Nick is only an hour long, while the Women Tell All “recap” is twice that. Guess this is what happens when you pick a boring bach.

OK, moving on…

We pick up the next day on Raven’s Fantasy Suite date, and she assures us that Nick has left her “fully satisfied.”


Cue the fake frolicking as Raven is newly awakened post-Nick-O. Finland still looks cold. Oh look, reindeer! (Drink every time you see a reindeer.)

That’s enough of Raven, and it’s time for Rachel, who claims that she’s super-excited to be here. But since the show already spoiled itself, there’s no point in my going into detail. Suffice to say that she claims not to know what cross-country skiing is, which feels suspect to me.

They ski up to…a reindeer safari! (Drink.) They make out in a sauna-cabin-thing by a fire. Rachel tells Nick that “he makes sense to her” without ever looking him in the eyes. They ride in a sleigh pulled by (wait for it) reindeer. (Also, who’s steering that sleigh? Nick and Rachel don’t have any reins. Is there a reindeer handler kept carefully off camera, or are these reindeer just drones, trudging along their snowy track for all eternity? (Sorry, Finland appears to bring out the existentialist malaise in me.))

B-roll of northern lights!

They come to a fancy cabin and toast to vulnerability. There’s a conversation in which no one completes a sentence that ultimately leads to Rachel saying “I’m falling in love with you.” No reindeer were harmed during this date, but at least one was bored to death.

Fantasy suite! Rachel has no qualms about joining him. I find myself wondering if the giant, old-fashioned keys they include in these envelopes ever actually fit the doors to the suites. Rachel’s voiceover asserts that she’s “SO all in” as we listen to the Foley guy add smooching sounds and wonder how long it’ll take for Rachel to leave the show.

We’re back from commercial. There’s another reindeer (drink). They wake up and Nick makes breakfast while Rachel sports a very cute penguin-print onesie! That’s my big takeaway from their date.

Now there’s a timid woodland creature springing through the snowy woods–no wait, don’t drink, it’s only Vanessa. They are heading back to the same reindeer safari as yesterday, but first they’re going to take the polar plunge and jump into a frozen lake. Seriously, you can see the ice re-freezing on the surface of the water. It looks like a perfect martini.

They are also wearing matching, provided-by-producers swimwear which has an unearthly blue sheen and kind of gives Nick a moose knuckle. Just sayin’. They jump in, stay for four seconds and then sprint back to the sauna. Then it’s time to go again! I’m reminded of a maxim:



Vanessa and Nick actually start having a relevant conversation as he tells her that her family seems very “traditional” and he is not. He’s not super-articulate about it, but basically says, “Yeah, I don’t want your family all up in our grill all the time.” Vanessa says she won’t compromise on her Sunday tradition of having a 3-hour lunch with her family…but somehow this doesn’t lead Nick to say, “But what if you move to the U.S.?”

That night, they come to a yurt with a roaring fire and Vanessa frets about how their conversations are always heavy, and whether Nick would move to Canada. (He’s pretty much like, “I won’t rule it out, but nah.”) There’s more talk, but I’m actually having more fun answering my husband’s questions about what happened to Corinne, so you’ll have to assume it winds up with “woman tells Nick she loves him, Nick says nothing back.”

They open the key to the Fantasy Suite, which, happily, is not also in the yurt. They get a real cabin with a fireplace and everything. The Foley guy adds more smooching noises.  You get the idea. The next morning, they get up and Nick walks off into the forest, while Vanessa watches him like a wife sending her sea captain off to hunt whales.

Time for the rose ceremony! Rachel’s dress has an insane bejeweled collar that makes her look like Nefertiti. The women are all barely holding it together. Nick has dry mouth. Oh, god, he’s crying again. The Brits have a delightful expression for a mopey emo dude like this: “a big girl’s blouse.” Don’t be such a big girl’s blouse, Nick!

With little fanfare, he offers the first rose to Raven. And then to Vanessa. Whoa! That happened fast. Makes me doubt that Raven was really “fully satisfied” after all.

So why not Rachel? We don’t get a reason. Nick wants to be friends some day. Let’s just say that Rachel doesn’t seem enthused at that prospect. That’s OK, Rachel! Take your amazing self and go frolic amid a field of bachelors!


And that’s how I feel at the end of this ep. Sorry, loves, not going to recap the WTA ep, for my own personal sanity. But you can imagine. Until next week, keep your toes warm and your reindeer drunk!