It’s been suggested to me that perhaps this show doesn’t warrant a 10,000 word recap as though it were War and Peace. While I think that War and Lust-Mistaken-for-Love-after-Six-Weeks deserves some unpacking, I see the point. So I’m going to rein it in this week and just give you the broad strokes. Like Nick is wanting to do to Corinne. (Heyo!)

The big confrontation between Taylor and Nick, post-booting? Over before the credits even roll. She interrupts his dinner with Corinne to pull him aside and tell him that Corinne is a liar and a manipulator. He’s polite, but basically, “Kthxbai” about it, and Taylor goes on her way. Apparently Nick is a Keats fan, and to him, booty is truth; truth, booty. (Hey, if I’m not going to be terrifyingly long-winded, I have to make my own fun.)

Back at the rose ceremony–no cocktail party necessary!–Nick culls the herd at last; Danielle M., Rachel and Corinne have roses, and he awards the rest to Danielle L., Whitney, Vanessa, Jasmine, Kristina and Raven. Say goodbye to Josephine (praying that she gets help with her foundation issues), Jaimi (relieved to say farewell to her nose ring) and Alexis (aww, #DolphinShark goes extinct!)

But enough of that–let’s go to beautiful St. Thomas! Of course when they land, it’s windy and overcast, like there’s a hurricane approaching. Bach in Paradise it ain’t. Jasmine tells us in confessionals that she’s determined to get a one-on-one in the islands, and is devastated when Nick flies in by seaplane to welcome them and hand-select his first date…Kristina. Sorry, Jasmine.

I don’t think it’s worth crying over–Kristina’s date is basically “sit on a picturesque rock and then go swimming.” But she does tell us she’s one of 8 or 9 siblings. I begin to sneer at the confusion over how many she has, but in fact, it’s because she’s one of 8 here in the U.S., but she has a sister back in Russia. So, in case you weren’t already sure, I’m basically a monster. Nick professes to find it fascinating, but the blank expression never leaves his face until it’s time to kiss, so I remain unconvinced.

Back at the hotel, Vanessa earns her keep by reciting facts about the resort, while the other girls struggle to feign interest. Into the mix comes Lorna, who tells the women she’s there to handle anything they need, make up, whatever. Corinne perks up and decides that Lorna is her Raquel-away-from-home, and happily starts requesting things. We don’t see anyone else ask for anything or even interact with Lorna, so I’m guessing this is just the producers contributing to Corinne’s “spoiled brat” edit.

Back at dinner btw Nick and Kristina, she’s sharing more details about her life in Russia and her memories of her mom. It’s dark, people. She says they basically didn’t have food, she remembers eating lipstick sometimes, and then her mom kicked her out. She had a teacher who encouraged her to seize the opportunity to come to America, and her family here had 4 kids themselves and adopted 4 more. Now I think Kristina can do better than Nick.

The group date card arrives back at the house, and Jasmine is starting to lose her shit because it’s her, Rachel, Corinne, Vanessa, Danielle M. and Raven. The two-on-one date (presumed) will be between Whitney and Danielle L.

The group date does not appear to go well, if the many cuts of crying women in bikinis are to be believed. Basically, Nick is mesmerized by The Corinne Show again, and the other women are sick of it. I do enjoy Jasmine’s voiceover quote, “He is a grown-ass man, he’s done this three times, he should KNOW.” Yes, he SHOULD. It looks a little like he might provoke a mass exodus from the grownup women…but I’m sure the producers are just lying–excuse me, manipulating me.

They get on a big catamaran in what looks like stormy seas, and I’m amazed that no one is hurling over the edge. They play beach games and take shots and none of them want to do this, because it’s cutting into their Nick time. Also, the other women are noting that Corinne is smashed again. Raven is also noting that Jasmine has no chill. The competition gets a little serious, and the girls start quitting. Forget “not here to make friends,” they’re not here to have fake fun. It seems the game broke up so everyone could go cry in a separate corner. But who wound up with Nick?

Nick admits the day was pretty much a disaster, and hopes he can win everyone back that night. He spends some alone time with each of them, but they’re all still telling him, “I hate this shit, and I’m only staying for you. If I don’t think you feel it too, I’m out.” I’m liking this keep-the-Bachelor-on-his-toes thing! But in case you were wondering, Jasmine still has no chill.

She finally gets her time with Nick alone and she UNLOADS. He’s nervous-smiling as she just emotes all over him and I’m basically just watching her sandbag her chances. Plus she keeps saying she’s so upset that she could choke him, playfully, and Nick’s actually leaning away from her and gritting his teeth. Girl, he thinks you’re crazy. Aaaaaaand, he’s gonna put her in a van. Sorry, Jasmine! Go practice your chill some more.

Raven gets the group date rose and they knock off for the night. The next day they’re all lying around like someone died (possibly related to the empty bottle of wine on the nightstand). No rest for the wicked (Nick-ed?) though, because he has to go deal with more feelings on his 2-on-1.

Another helicopter. Y’all, is flying really that exciting? I get that it’s beautiful, but it’s noisy and there’s a greater than zero chance of dying in a fiery wreck. The chopper takes them to a couch festooned in drapery siting on an isolated beach. I wonder if the length of this date will be curtailed by the tide coming in? “Ladies, it’s time for me to choose, and I choose…whichever of you hasn’t been swept out to sea.”

Ew, Nick is talking with Whitney and telling her about how she has a warm quality and a sweet aura about her…all while he’s rubbing her inner thigh. Ew, dude! Show some couth. Danielle L. has a calm and friendly chat with Nick, but acknowledges that she can see herself in his future. Basically, both Whitney and Danielle are miles more composed than poor Jasmine. But in the end, Nick admits that nobody, including him, realized there was a Whitney on the show and he sends her packing. Or rather, abandons her to her fate while he and Danielle climb back into the helicopter. And the tide rolls in…

But all Danielle gets is an extra dinner! They tour an old fort-turned-prison, she opens her heart and does the profession of near-love, and that apparently makes Nick realize he doesn’t feel the same way, and he’s not going to give her the rose. Dude, you couldn’t just let them both go at the same time? They could have taken the helicopter back together!

Danielle is at a loss as to what went wrong, but I think we all know it’s that her top stayed on. That, or he realized belatedly that he was tired of using the Danielles’ last initials.

We cut back to the hotel so the women can perform their “shock” at seeing Danielle’s suitcase wheeled out, and I assume that’s it…but Nick comes back to give them all a speech. (Oh goody.) And he starts crying. (Even better.) Basically Nick is super-stressed from dealing with all the ladyfeels, and so he wants them to focus on his manfeels and make him feel better. He rambles about “I don’t know if I can keep doing this” and then walks out. The women are all WTF? Prime opportunity for someone to pay a clandestine trip to a certain Bachelor’s hotel room, no? Who do you think it’ll be?

Here’s your hint, and my closing line: “My heart is gold…but my vageen is platinum.”


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