Hello, BachFans! I’m back to recap another step of our journey–our journey to watch one man repeatedly try to find love on television. What could possibly go wrong?

We pick up right where we left off last week–Nick has shown Liz the door, not believing that she was (say it with me) here for the right reasons. Now he has to tell all the women back at the house what happened. You’d think that would be no big deal, right? He had one night with Liz a year ago, and rather than their previous connection helping her, it got her booted…so why would these women be upset? They know for a fact that he’s not a virgin, since he previously confessed on national TV to having sex in the fantasy suite. So probably all the women will be totally cool about this and we’ll just move on, right? Well, no. Apparently some of the women feel that…ino

for Nick to have kept this secret.

Nick sets off on cocktail party night, which is basically a series of interrogations from each of the women. He looks shiny, guilty and a bit bored all at once, kind of like a kid who’s been caught doing something naughty and is sick of being yelled at. While he does damage control, we cut to a few of the women who are saying that they’re fine with the way Nick handled this, but would be really upset if he slept with any of the contestants prior to the fantasy suite.

Does everyone feel that way, I wonder? Well, let’s just say that Corinne is upstairs putting on a trenchcoat over her bra. She assures us that she knows how to turn on “the sex charm.” Oy gevalt.

Corinne creeps down the stairs and out the door of the mansion, where Nick is…waiting on the doorstep. So how spontaneous is this, really? The producers don’t usually show us their meddling fingers this much. They sink down on a bench and Corinne starts drawling at Nick about how happy he makes her…he senses something is up and asks, “Is this a dress or a coat?” Dude, just yes-and her! Have you learned nothing from last week’s improv?

She tells him, “Um…it’s part of a plan” and then directs him to get the WHIPPED CREAM that just happens to be placed nearby. Girl, you are so, so basic. First she sprays some in his mouth, then on her boob for him to lick off. Nick, in a talking head, basically admits that she turns him on, but he’s trying to balance “Corinne being Corinne” with respect for the other women–i.e., he knows she’s crazy but he’s going to put Lil’ Nicky in that anyway.

Of course, this is all taking place conveniently near the mansion door, so that the others can peer through the peephole and report back. There are mutterings of “unfair” and “first night all over again” and let’s just hope that Corinne is not here to make friends, because otherwise, it’s not going so well.

Jasmine takes matters into her own hand and walks out front as if just to take the night air–but Nick recognizes it as the life raft he needs, and calls her over. She takes the opportunity to steal him away, and Corinne hides her rage behind a simper as she tugs her trench a little closer. She runs upstairs to sob to a friend (whom I can’t ID from here) about how nothing went according to plan and she’s set her relationship back dramatically.

Time for the rose ceremony! The ladies all line up…except for Corinne, fast asleep in bed with her group-date rose (complete with snores piped in from the producers). The women are all even more pissed at her now. Conform, Corinne! It’s your sacred duty as a Bachelor contestant! In a talking head, even Nick says, “Last time I checked, you still had to show up for the rose ceremony.” He’s pissed at her smugness, and apologizes on her behalf to the other ladies.

Roses go to: Astrid, Taylor, Kristina, Danielle (not the nurse, the other one), Rachel, Vanessa, Raven, Jaimi, Dominique, Sarah (who?), Alexis (who tells the others, “Move, bitches” as she moves forward to get her rose), Brittany, Josephine (Queen Butterface), and finally…Jasmine G.. We say our farewells to 3 versions of the same blonde–one short, one with her bra as a top, one I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. (Turns out they were Hailey–super upset that he kept Corinne and dumped her–Elizabeth, and Lacey, I think.)

Second hour! [Note: I genuinely thought we were on the second half, and it turns out it’s only 8:30. Sigh.] It’s morning in Bachelorville, and Chris Harrison arrives all be-flanneled, observing that Corinne looks particularly rested. (Snerk.) He pulls out a group date card and promises the women that “their minds will be blown.” It goes to Danielle L., Christen, Kristina, Whitney (there’s a Whitney?), Taylor, Jasmine and Corinne, and the clue just says “Everybody!”

But before this can befuddle the ladies overmuch (it doesn’t befuddle the viewers, because the producers spoiled themselves by putting the Backstreet Boys in the commercial break), in come the Backstreet Boys! The bearded one came in first, and I thought for sure it was Nick dressed as, but no, the poor BBs are actually doing this in person. To their credit, when the ladies request a song, the Boyz perform admirably a capella. Also, I give extra points to the Boy (bearded one) who tells the women “No heels today.” A true gentleman!

The ladies apply their lip gloss and dry shampoo, pop the champagne, and pile into a limo that takes them to beautiful downtown Burbank. (Yeah, that seems about right.) In case you are reading this recap without ever having seen a reality show, I will tell you that the contest is to become a background dancer (with Nick) at the BB show that night. Jasmine is hungry for this, having been a pro cheerleader for years–but she’s in the back row! Girl, you’re not going to win if you don’t stuff yourself in front of the camera more.

Corinne can’t dance and doesn’t like the idea that someone else might be stealing Nick’s attention. “I don’t feel pretty…I don’t feel cute, confident, bubbly, fun…” Yeah, basically 24-year-old Corinne has no resources to handle anything other than total success. What a delight. Fortunately, Jasmine and Kristina will talk shit about her so I don’t have to.

Showtime! All the women are in red tops and black shorts, and chokers, and the winner will be serenaded onstage with Nick (by Nick?). Jasmine says she’s feeding off the crowd’s energy, while Corinne just wants to survive. No one comments on the fact that Nick can’t dance either. Lotta white man’s overbite going on there.

In the end, they choose Danielle-not-the-nurse, and she slow dances with Nick like awkward promsters while the BBs sing “Tell Me Why” from the side. Danielle kisses him to the cheers of the crowd, while Corinne tells us this her worst nightmare. Let her tell it in her own words: “There are other girls here, and…I’m falling behind. I mean, we’re trying to get engaged here.” I’ll just leave that there.

In the post-concert cocktail group, Corinne manages to plant herself right next to Nick on the couch, and then the minute he finishes his toast she grabs him to go talk privately. She apologizes to him for not being at the rose ceremony, and he cuts her off to say, “Did you talk to the girls about it?” You can see she’s flummoxed for a second, but she rallies and claims that they all understood she was upset. Cut, of course, to the women talking about how rude it was. But back at the couch, Nick has been boobmatized once again and tells her he’s glad she’s there.

Nick then retrieves Danielle, date winner, to rehash their dance. This also makes clear that Nick has a move that he uses with all the women–he twines his fingers with theirs so they’re holding hands the entire time they’re talking. Looks good until you see it repeated five times in a row.

Back at the house, Dominique is telling us how she’s bummed that some people still haven’t gotten a date while others have gone on two. Yeah, that seems unfair, and a bad sign. (As is the fact that I don’t recall having seen Dominique before.) Alas, she’s going to have to wait a bit longer because the first one-on-one date card is for…Vanessa! “You make me feel like I’m floating.”

Corinne wanders back into the discussion group after a brief nap, and then they segue naturally from talk of boob jobs to having children, so she says, “I’ll have to get Raquel ready for that. Raquel is my nanny.” Jasmine’s all, “I’ll bite…” and she is so flabbergasted at the description that she has to walk away (and actually falls off her heels!). Yes, we can all agree Corinne is a garbage person who will probably make it to the finals.

Let’s move on to the awesomest part of the show…Vanessa’s date turns out to be a ride on a Zero G plane that will let them experience weightlessness.

This is so. Cool! Guess this is where the show’s travel budget has been going. Anyway, they put on jumpsuits and complementary Zero G socks and get ready to blast off. The first round seems like a lot of fun as they flip and spin and make out in zero gravity but, as they’re coming down, poor Vanessa discovers why they also call this plane the “Vomit Comet.” She basically tosses her cookies for the rest of the trip, while Nick stays WAY too close to her face. Dude, give her some space. And they kiss at the end! (Though I notice both are chewing gum, so I assume there’s been some freshening. Still.)

Vanessa and Nick head off to the evening portion of their date, so we cut back to the house, and the next group date card. This time it’s Rachel (who?), Astrid, Alexis, Jaimi, Sarah, Brittany, and Dominique–“I’m done playing the field,” says the card. This seems like it was the clean-up date for all the women who hadn’t been out yet, and they all guess they’re going to play sports of some sort.

Back with Nick and Vanessa, they go to a rooftop lookout of some sort (ah, Nick says it’s the tallest building in L.A.) and have their dinner a deux looking over the whole city. Vanessa tells Nick she didn’t really watch much of the show, but she saw how close he was with his mom, and then trots out the story of her grandfather’s death. Sorry, Vanessa, you’re going to have to step it up if you want to compete with Danielle M.’s story! She asks Nick why he agreed to do this again when it didn’t work the last 3 times, and he tears up thinking about his own history. He feels a connection with Vanessa. And we know how much that’s worth, don’t we?

After a commercial break, we meet Nick at a stadium track somewhere, and his seven dates pile out of the limo to join him. Apparently he was a track star in high school and college, and he’s invited a few “friends” to join them–they’re Olympians Carl Lewis, Alison Felix & Michelle Carter! That’s cool. Less cool is the fact that we require these impressive athletes to conduct a “Nick-athlon.” I hope they each made some money on this.

The women all start warming up, and making fun of Astrid because her top is less than supportive. First up, the “Limo Long Jump”–they do a long jump next to a cardboard limo–followed by “Jump Into Nick’s Arms,” in which they high jump onto a mat with Nick’s face on it. Then there’s the javelin toss, aiming for a big red heart (OK, heh). Dominique is freaking out because she can’t seem to get Nick’s attention and feels overshadowed by the bigger personalities on the date. Girl, this is already the B-Team! Get it together!

The three finalists are Rachel, Alexis (DolphinShark is a dark horse, I’m telling you), and Astrid, and whoever wins their next event will get some extra time with Nick in a hot tub. The three have to run a whatever-yard dash, grab a giant plastic ring and then race over to the hot tub. Rachel is first to the ring box, but knocks it over and third-place Astrid actually scoops it up and wins the hot tub! Of course, she’s sitting in it still wearing her running tights and top, so ew. Let’s just listen to Dominique feeling sorry for herself.

Even when they’ve gathered for the evening cocktails, Dominique is still berating herself for getting in her own head and not shining. I think someone needs a copy of HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. She’s on the verge of tears, but why would you want him if he can’t see you? The other girls are sweet, including almost-won Rachel (who is an attorney, and beautiful, and Nick ought to be paying more attention to her), and tell her to just go talk to him! Will she gather her courage, only to be rebuffed?

Ooh, she’s trying to steal him away, but Rachel’s making out with him at the moment–Dominique feels guilty about intruding on her friend, but then they part ways and she makes her move. And her move is…the wrong one. She instantly comes at him all “I don’t think you gave me a fair chance, you didn’t try to help me or engage with me…” and Nick gets immediately defensive. So she’s complaining that she hasn’t had a conversation with him, and then notices that he’s not really trying to say anything…until he basically says, “Yeah, I’m not feeling it.” Well, she pushed him into it, and so he tells her the truth. Off she goes! No waiting for a rose. (Nick and I are poets.)

So is the lesson to learn “don’t be a downer because he’ll kick you off” or “be honest and don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t feel the same way.” Nick comes back and tells the women he’s sent Dominique home, and they all make vaguely sad faces before moving on. And who gets the rose? It’s Rachel, Dominique’s advisor! Oh, irony. But seriously, Rachel’s prettier, more sophisticated and has much more chill (and a cute penguin hoodie). I’d have picked her too.

The next day, Chris comes to the mansion to tell the ladies that Nick has cancelled the cocktail party that evening. O noes! But j/k, it’s cancelled because it’s going to be a pool party in an hour instead! O yayz!

Nick shows up and the women are all over him to the point that it’s even embarrassing Alexis.There is fondling and kissing and lascivious application of sunscreen. PEOPLE–if you have made DolphinShark feel awkward, you have gone too far.

And speaking of going too far, Corinne has another trick up her sleeve–a bouncy house! She’s squealing and bouncing around and holding her boobs, tee hee, while a Nick voiceover says he loves how “fun and playful” Corinne is. They bounce for a bit, and then Corinne just straddles him. The other women, attracted by the screeching and their natural suspicion, see what’s going on and give a collective eye roll. Jasmine is the first to announce “We’re not doing this” and heading back inside.

After a while, Nick heads out of the bouncy house, and Corinne goes back to bed for another (snoring) nap. Raven gets some couch time with Nick and warns him that Corinne is a spoiled child, and then we get a Bachelor supercut of every other woman in the house telling him that they think Corinne sucks. We culminate in Vanessa sitting on the front steps telling Nick that their date felt really special, but less so when she sees Nick “riding her.” She asks him why he’d behave that way, since he knows that every action he takes will be picked apart–and that if he’s looking for someone to f*ck around with, he can count her out. Will there be blood? We’ll have to wait for next week to find out!

To read last week’s recap, click hereFor the next episode, click here!