Our intrepid diarist of romance, Florence, may be paired up right now, but that doesn’t mean she’s forgotten her singleton roots. And we think the list below has some pretty good advice, whether you’re single, married, or something in between!
(I uncovered this list a few days ago. It was floating around my diary on the back of a receipt. I’m not sure when it was written but I’m guessing sometime in the dark of late winter, perhaps after a particularly single birthday in March).
- Like me. You can like how I look or like the same TV shows I watch but that’s not the same thing as liking me, which is asking a little more than a lot. I get it. I cry when other people’s dogs die and in non-sad movies and sometimes just on Tuesday because it’s Tuesday. It’s a Pisces thing. Also, I read my horoscope a lot.
- Have interests besides your day job (you need to have a day job) and your weekend job (partying). You don’t have to crochet anything. I know it’s asking a lot of a twenty-three year old to stay in on a Friday night instead of clubbing but I’m fifty-one at heart. We’re gonna have to do something besides drink together, even though that’s probably how we got through our first few dates. Major points if it’s a creative pursuit, major loss of points if it involves being out in the elements and you want to include me. Hopefully you just like books a lot and we can curl up and drink tea and read in each other’s arms.
- Question things. Don’t just drink almond milk because everyone else is drinking almond milk. Conversely, don’t drink hemp milk because everyone is drinking almond milk. Be a thinking, beating being who cares. We don’t have to skip off into the vegan forest together but read something besides Buzzfeed quizzes please.
- Laugh at funny things / say funny things. The world gets real bleak real quick. If we’re not going to laugh together I’m going to hide in your bathroom and cry under the sink. If we don’t make milk come out of each other’s nose at some point, we should break up.
- Don’t care too much about your appearance. Leave me to that. Don’t get offended when I don’t want to hang out for a few days. I’m a solitary creature posing as a person. Don’t compliment me too much or ask me to see scary movies with you. How you treat me will mostly be a product of how you act, and scary movies mess up my anxiety levels for days. Be well-versed in yourself. Know how to communicate. Reveal any lies you may have told when we were dating. (I hate children, Mexican food, the Fourth of July. This bra is padded. I don’t wear bras. I haven’t watched a Superbowl since 2008. This lip color is lipstick. I wake up too early. I start my day with a fart). You get it. Be true blue. That way we’ll find out if we’re going to make it or not before we’ve wasted our whole lives.