Well even the teaser has me all on edge!!! We are in Buenos Aires and let me tell you… we are getting ready for this shit to get REAL. REALLY REAL. IT’S ON.
Jojo in a hot red dress, psyched about the possibilities. She and #iheartchrisharrison break it down on a park bench. She’s ready to jump in, but she’s confused about the guys… her feelings for a couple of them are quite similar. (perhaps this is because the men themselves are quite similar? Our intrepid editor told me in confidence that she can’t quite tell them apart)
Immediately a bomb is thrown. There’s going to be another two on one, for the first time in #bachelor history. The boys all fall, just a little. Though their hair remains stalwart.
HOTEL HOT TAMALE
Their hotel is HOT. #hotasrocks. Currently the sexiest thing onscreen.
One on one goes to WELLS! Excellent. This sweetheart hasn’t had one yet. And he’s the one guy here who hasn’t kissed her. He tells the guys this and they all laugh quite a bit.
I do like it, so much, when the guys act like little girls. The episode becomes about everyone wondering when or if they’ll kiss. It suddenly feels like we’re in a scene from Grease.
BEST DATE EVER
They wind up underneath a suspended pool of dancers, swimming above them in the phosphorescently lit aquascape. It’s extremely sexy. Oh!! It’s Fuerza Bruta!! Fab show. Once seen, you’ll never forget it. Jojo and Wells are brought into the company. They are suddenly in an amazing performance piece.
Wells spends the whole time trying to figure out when to kiss her. The guys, back at the hotel, are sitting around wondering if he’ll come back.
Back to our date. They wind up in bathing suits in the suspended pool. It’s very hot. Do they kiss? There’s a lot of lead up, and Jojo is waiting for it. FINALLY. GOOD GOD FINALLY. THANK YOU, GOD.
That’s number 1. And good LORD we had to wait for it!
On the next commercial break I momentarily get distracted by a Game of Thrones test on Facebook. I find out that I am Jaime “in the streets” and Jorah “in the sheets.” I so badly wish I were tangling with Jorah in the sheets that this makes me happy and slightly overexcited to return to the show at hand.
Wells and Jojo at dinner. Oh really, he is CUTE AS PIE. And now he’s ready. With both feet. He was skeptical, he says, but after today…he’s all in. She asks him about his last relationship. He says it didn’t work out because they wound up being like two friends living together.
He says, “Well we all know that passion goes away…”
And she counters, “But does it have to? I don’t buy it. I’m looking for my unicorn. For the kind of passion that doesn’t go away.”
She can hear the skepticism in him, and she needs to make a tough decision. She takes her time, and very elegantly tells him that he’s an incredible human being but that she doesn’t know about him. “I am not able to give you this rose tonight, but I want you to know how much I appreciate you.”
Crusher. OH HE CRIES!!! OH LORDY!!!!! They hug goodbye. She stands up and reveals a dress that even a straight woman would want to strip off her. It’s really insult to injury. They share another sweet hug. She can’t stop crying. He really seems fine, but like it was a kinda bad day at the office.
OH GRACIOUS!!!! She winds up seeing Fuerza Bruta alone!!! To the mad chorus of heartbreak! Rain pouring down upon her! Fuerza BRUTAL.
It’s Robbie, Jordan, Luke, Alex and James. James, our resident singer, is feeling insecure, the rest of the guys are overconfident. They wander down the streets of Buenos Aires drinking mate, checking out man bags. An amazing moment occurs when Jojo tells a local woman that all 5 of the guys are her boyfriends. Genius. They get into a “friendly” soccer game. The locals, bless the Argentinians, have asked for a kick off competition. Whichever guy gets a goal gets to kiss Jojo. James says he’s all heart, he’s the underdog. So when he makes the goal, its really something. He plays it like a gentleman, and gives a quick peck on the lips (no, we are not awarding that as a real kiss). She’s carried off, laughing, on the guys’ shoulders.
Luke looking a bit anxious. They break it down. “Yeah, like, this is real,” he says, “and let it happen and let be… to get to spend 5 minutes or 5 days with you here… it’s amazing. This is the kind of city you want to come back to in years. I want that and I want that with you.”
Kiss 2. This one is really deep. WOW. This is a kiss and A HALF. And that’s what we’re calling this one. This brings us to 2.5.
“That spark we have,” she tells us, “its crazy. CRA. ZY.” Yes. We can see that.
TOO MANY D@%KS ON THE DANCE FLOOR
Two on one. Derek and Chase. Derek seems ok, Chase seems pissed. They both seem overconfident. They share an awkward conversation. Derek really pisses Chase off. One wants to see a bourbon thrown in Derek’s face along with a nice British witticism, but alas! Wrong side of the pond.
BACK TO THE PARTY
Jojo and James chat. “You’re a little off,” she says. “I’m glad you asked,” he said, “it’s about Jordan.” James lays his argument out poorly, to be kind. But basically seems to say that Jordan is all about the fame, all about entitlement. “If you go against what he says, well… you just can’t.”
“I’m glad you told me, she says, I think you are incredible and I really appreciate you telling me that.”
“Can I kiss you?” he asks.
They share number 3. It’s pretty deep.
“He’s being protective of me,” she tells us. There’s a side to Jordan that she doesn’t know and she’s worried about it.
She confronts Jordan. He’s totally taken aback. She’s very upset, trying to get to the bottom of the situation. “At the end of this,” she says, “I want to be engaged and I want this to work. I want to know that the Jordan I see is the Jordan you are.”
“I don’t enjoy my integrity being questioned… that being brought up is pathetic.”
WHEW this gives us an awkward moment on the couch. Jordan sits next to James, swilling his wine, silent. “What’s up,” the guys ask.
He confronts James. He’s pissed. “Did you use the word entitlement? How does one act entitled about the rules of a game?” It’s a nasty moment between men.
“Jojo deserves an honest good man,” James tells us. “Not someone who just wants fame.”
Rose to Luke. RAD. And once again, that was one fuck of a kiss. All the other guys look WAY PISSED.
TAKES TWO TO TANGO
Jojo looks #hotasrocks in a red dress. The guys look nervous and shifty. Derek, overconfident, Chase pissed.
SO GREAT. There’s a trio tangoing—one woman, two men. Deeply sexy. I wish I were the tango teacher. Sexy as hell.
The three of them tango. It’s a great metaphor. Both the guys are #inittowinit.
Later on, they all go to dinner. She’s totally conflicted.
She takes Derek away first. He spills his guts. “Since my last relationship I haven’t given it my all. From day one, I looked in your damn eyes and thought… this is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I’m absolutely falling for you.”
There’s kiss 4. And 5. Yes, he goes in for two.
Then she takes time with Chase. How’s he gonna beat Derek?
She feels like she’s really put it out there to him, and that he hasn’t given it back. “I want to,” he says, but it feels like it falls short. She gives him several opportunities. And he rises to the challenge. It’s clearly hard for him to express himself but after being schooled by her, he does a good job and they share a lovely kiss number 6.
“I tried to open up,” he tells us. “I just hope its not too late.”
AMAZING SHOCKER!!! WONDERFUL TWIST!!!! Rose goes to CHASE. Jojo cries. “I am so sorry,” she says to Derek. She weeps into his arms. She weeps to us. She openly breaks down as the car pulls away. “I didn’t think this was going to happen,” he says in the limo, also crying, as an orchestra plays a maudlin concerto version of Evita for Jojo and Chase while they cut back and forth between the limo and the concert. “Fuck. Why am I crying?” Derek asks to the stirring notes of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.” “Don’t cry,” Derek says to himself, in a haunting echo of the song, as we cut to Jojo and Chase making out. That’s number 7. And a Tony award to the Bachelor producers!! (quip cred to a funny Australian friend of mine:)
The cocktail party begins. Jojo is resplendent in a dark blue ball gown, bedazzled on top. She’s confused, she tells us. She doesn’t know what to do. “I’m scared to send somebody home that I could have had a future with.”
“I want to be in love and engaged at the end of this,” Jordan says. “You do,” she says, but it seems like a question. He lays it all out. “Finally,” she says, a huge smile on her face, “you’re talking about your feelings.” They share a deep kiss. That’s number 8.
Quick cut to her and Robbie. They share kiss 9.
Time with Alex, who’s never had a one on one, or a group date rose. She soothes his ego, they share kiss 10.
James feels like he’s on the chopping block. But he’s falling for her, and he doesn’t want to go home tonight. “I’ve let myself fall fer you,” he says in his southern accent, “and I’m goin’.” They share kiss 11.
“I thought tonight was going to help me,” she says, “but I think it’s just made me more confused.”
“Three roses to hand out,” Chris Harrison says, “are you ready?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be,” she says.
She gives a lovely speech. James already looks like he’s crying. Luke and Chase have roses. There are three more to go. Rose 1: to Robbie, our pro swimmer (see last week’s recap for a sweet pic of his body.) Rose 2: to Jordan. Rose 3… she holds the rose in her hand and exits out the front door. WHO TO THE WHAT? “What just happened?” Chris asks her. “I feel nauseous,” she says. “I don’t want to give this rose out.”
Chris takes the rose. She re-enters the hall. “James, Alex, I’m sorry,” she says. “I just couldn’t hand out that final rose.” She looks terrified, they look crestfallen, BUT THEN she is given, yes, TWO ROSES TO HAND OUT. That’s right. They both get to stay. I have to say, I welled up a bit seeing James’ joyful reaction. I actually got a bit verklempt. Choked up. Emotional. #crymeariver
She wants to keep all 6 gents around. James is thrilled. Alex is pissed. “I just need the chance,” he says.
PREVIEWS OF NEXT WEEK
Lots more kisses, fireworks, and male aggression. Tears, traitors and testosterone. Then we end with a cut scene of the guys arguing about the spelling of margarita the drink vs. margherita the pizza. #marvelous
See y’all next week!
This Episode: ???????????? (11.5, the .5 was the extra given for that HOT kiss with Luke)
Total Kisses since episode 2: ???????? (40) Yes. FORTY ON SCREEN TONGUE TANGOS. Amazing!!