Last night left off on the unforgivable and totally unnecessary cliffhanger of who in the heck will be the next victim of the cruel ABC torture machine Bachelorette. BRITT? KAITLYN? Let’s find out!

Chris H. wasted absolutely no time in bursting Britt’s Disney Princess bubble and letting her know she hasn’t been chosen as Bachelorette. In rapid succession Chris H. tells Britt both that “the majority of votes were for Kaitlyn” and that “the votes were extremely close”–if this whole Bachelor/ette franchise thing falls through for Chris H., he might want to consider a career in politicking. Britt actually keeps it together surprisingly well, probably because she has a sweet Bachelor-in-Paradise deal booked for the next season–oh wait, there we go. Cue ugly crying as Britt waxes poetic on being open to love, why can’t anyone love her, wah wah wah. Here’s a hint, B: you’re annoying as f**k and it’s been publicly advertised that you don’t shower. But what do I know?

Woohoo, now for the fun part of Chris H. telling Kaitlyn she’s officially the Bachelorette! Super cringe-worthy initial moment when Chris H. has his “serious” face on and refuses to hug Kaitlyn back when she greets him, leaving her with her arms awkwardly splayed around his neck. But then Chris H. gives her the “good” news and she reacts like any normal near-Bachelorette-who-had-to-compete-against-another-woman would and says she’s going to hurl, followed quickly by asking if Britt was okay. Genuine concern or calculated stunt to make her seem empathetic? IDK. But I love Kaitlyn so HOORAY!!

Kaitlyn wants to rush in to see the guys right away but Chris H. is all like “Why don’t you take a moment and really process all this?” Which is careful Chris H. speak for “Get your sh*t together, you’re sweating and you’re going to throw up on that overpriced dress ABC bought you.” Luckily Kaitlyn pulls it together and gets to go in to the guys, who all join in for a carousing round of applause to make us forget that a good portion of them voted for Britt and are #screwed. I love how all of the guys who didn’t want Kaitlyn are suddenly ALL about Kaitlyn, this is like the Des/Brooks/Chris scandal all over again. Oh, the fickle heart!

After an initial thank you from Kaitlyn–as ABC continues to demean and exploit women, now she’s the “luckiest girl in the land” for being chosen by these winners–they launch into ANOTHER cocktail party where Kaitlyn has to talk to everyone, AGAIN. OMG, how long did this thing go on for, a week? By the time the first impression rose comes out she’s had like 800 impressions of each dude, totally not fair.

Dope move by Joshua the Welder to save his welded rose for after the Bachelorette is chosen–Kaitlyn looks so touched when he says he made it for her, but hello, it’s a generic rose! Could have just as easily gone to Britt! Am I the only one with any brains here?

It looks like someone’s getting a wee bit tired–or drunk/sloppy–as the second part of the night progresses, because Kaitlyn is acting cray cray. Lots of murmuring undertones to the guys, silly drunk smile, and kissing. ALL the kissing. First Chris-the-cupcake-dentist gets a smooch, which is interesting (can’t decide whether I find him attractive or too eerily perfect, like a Stepford Husband), but Kaitlyn is clearly saving the real lip-locking for Shawn B., master of the perfectly slicked-back hair and receiver of the non-first impression First Impression Rose. Hawt. These two are all over each other, but I have to admit I melt a little bit when he tells Kaitlyn “I’m crushing on you pretty hard.” Not feeling as melty when she is like ON his face and legit nuzzling his neck. Neck nuzzles on the first night?! Clearly Kaitlyn’s not messing around.

A couple of deuche canoes as they scamper off to report back to the other deuche canoes vis a vis Kaitlyn’s makeout sesh: “They’re tongue on tongue, we just watched!” –something no self-respecting man should ever be caught saying. Jared’s feeling insecure because he told Kaitlyn he originally voted for Britt, and she didn’t kiss him but is now hooking up with others–I think it has less to do with Jared’s confession and more to do with the fact that he looks like Count Dracula, but remains to be seen.

It’s actually soo funny to watch all the Team Britt guys scramble in the wake of this upset and pretend like they’re suddenly super duper into Kaitlyn. Tony the Healer, a former Britt supporter, expresses himself especially beautifully in explaining the current scenario: “Kaitlyn’s like a water fountain, and everyone’s lining up for a drink.” Looks like Tony’s energy is telling him to go for #watercoolerhumor. Other notable turncoats include Kupah (WTF), JJ the money dude, and token black guy Jonathan. I’ll be keeping my eye on you, boys, making sure you’re all here for the right reasons and all that stuff.

Finally, FINALLY (no literally, it’s light outside) it’s time for the first Rose Ceremony of the season, where Kaitlyn does an absolutely terrible job pretending like the guys’ names aren’t written out for her on the roses. Granted, it’s late and she’s wasted, but still, at least give the illusion of these being spontaneous! She’s going down her list when Brady the aspiring musician interrupts and asks to take her outside for a quick chat. The guys are LIVID–honestly, they’re already all acting like pussies and it’s only night one, I can’t imagine what might happen as we move along through the season. But no need for them to get their panties in a twist because turns out Brady is sending himself home, he just can’t move on from the idea of Britt and doesn’t feel it would be right to stay. Fine by me, because now I don’t have to confuse him with Shawn B. Kaitlyn very badly pretends to care and then is like whatevs, IDGAF, and walks back in to finish up the ceremony. Chillest/ most coked-out Bachelorette evaaaaa.

So Brady, David, Josh, Bradley, and Shawn E. all bite it hard. I guess Kaitlyn decided to get rid of all the kinky ones, Tony the Healer aside, since she ditched both the law-student-by-day-exotic-dancer-by-night AND the amateur sex coach! Wondering if Shawn E. is regretting investing in that “carpool” and very, very sad we won’t get to see his Moves with a capital M play out on the screen, being an amateur sex coach and all. Maybe this experience will drum up some business for him so he can get to whatever the next level is in the sex coaching industry.

The night ends with a toast to Kaitlyn, and we are off, people! Start your engines! Who do you think will win Kaitlyn’s heart?

SEASON PREVIEW: OOOOOOOOHHHHHH, the drama! The preview starts off nice ‘n pretty with the requisite kissing, sunset motifs, bikini shots, and so on. Then the madness starts: Crazy-Eyes Nick from Andi’s season resurfaces, and he and Kaitlyn are kissing? How do they even know each other? Kaitlyn openly admits to having SEX on the show?! (She totally would be the first Bachelorette to admit that on the show, btw.) And most importantly–guest appearance by AMY SCHUMER?!? Can’twaitcan’twaitcan’twaitcan’twait.

Oh, and then a tiny little Bachelorette subplot during the closing credits: flashing over to Britt, who looks like she’s STILL crying the next day (haha), and Brady, who’s on his way to confess his undying love for the girl he met for probably the sum total of about 15 minutes. The show ends with him knocking on her hotel door (is ABC still putting her up for this sh*t? Sweet life), so we don’t know what happens. Is this going to be some sort of running subplot? An animated short at the beginning of every episode? Britt already sort of looks like an anime character, so we’re halfway there, but ABC, face it, no one likes Britt. Just let it go!

Tune in all season for recaps and plenty of post-show dish! We have nothing better to do!