Last night’s Women Tell All episode kicked off with the requisite ‘Chris H. and bachelor/ette “surprise” viewers in their homes with a “completely spontaneous” guest appearance!’ Yes, I’m sure the multiple course, farm-to-table themed meal at House #1 was just a spur of the moment kind of thing, and not at all for the cameras. If that’s actually what these women do every week when they watch the show, I need to either A) Find them and kill them, slowly, or B) Become BFF with them, like, yesterday.

Duly noted that FC was more excited to kiss that mom than he’s been about hooking up with any of the women all season.

Also must give mad props to the group of ladies who were full-on blackout by the time the Chrisses arrived to celebrate. FC was soo pissed that the drunkards kept dropping the shots of whiskey, he was like “don’t you know we need to import this shit into Iowa, stop wasting it!”

FC: “There’s nothing cooler than hanging out with Chris Harrison.” Spoken like a person whose social circle has heretofore consisted of a chicken, three cows, and a herd of pigs.

And now, for the actual Women Tell All show, or the brief moments of interviewing Chris H. was able to squeeze in between Britt’s insanely drawn-out crying jags!

My favorite part of the WTA episode is seeing how much hotter all the women have magically become since appearing on the show. Unfortunately, this was not the case last night: Carly’s still on the fence about whether she deserves eyebrows, but for some reason she decided she does deserve platinum blond hair with dark roots. Keeping it classy on the cruise ship, I see. Everyone else looks more or less the same, except for Kaitlyn, who the producers have fixed dolled up because, duh, she’s totally going to be The Bachelorette next season! #BacheloretteWatch2015. But more on that later.

The Britt Saga

Britt is literally, immediately crying, like all Chris H. has to say is “Tonight we’d like to welcome you…” and she’s off. Someone must be on some serious downers, or pregnant, ‘cause girl was just a giant, heaving, but still hot ball of emotion last night.

She also may or may not be a lesbian, considering her focus was 0% on whether she saw real potential with FC and 100% on Carly. The instant the season recap finishes, Britt attacks Carly and starts grilling her about why she was so fake to her on the show.

Britt: “Carly, I trusted you. Like, you saw me putting cucumber slices on my eyes after I had cried so much because I wasn’t sure how Chris felt about me.” Blech, cucumber slices and glitter eye makeup do not mix.

Carly seems taken aback by all of this and just sort of #overit, she’s basically like listen, this was a show, I had to pretend to like you. I think she’s confused as to why Britt is so focused on her and not on talking about FC. Then Jillian jumps in like a pitbull with a fantastic ass to come to Britt’s defense, so maybe she and Britt are dating now, I honestly don’t even know anymore but it wouldn’t shock me.

Chris H.: “Jillian, you’re a little jacked up tonight… you still on the ‘roids?”

#BacheloretteWatch2015: part of me feels like Chris H. is skating over the whole Britt-went-batshit-crazy-on-Chris-when-he-didn’t-give-her-the-date-rose thing because they’re still trying to suss out the fan favorite for the next season of The Bachelorette. Britt does get some audience applause, but I’m not convinced she’s going to be the pick. I am convinced that she thinks she’s going to be the pick and is also angling for an Oscar with this ridiculously over the top dramatic performance. But I am very impressed at how her makeup stays on through all the sniveling.

“I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me…but I can’t help it that I’m so popular.” –Britt and Gretchen Wieners

The Kelsey Debacle

Soo excited we got to revisit this psycho. For anyone who’s been living under a rock, Kelsey seemed like a totally normal, if slightly mom-ish, candidate for FC’s heart, until she flipped her lid and decided to use the story of her husband’s abrupt and tragic death as a competition strategy.

Wow, Kelsey, thanks for making me feel like a complete a-hole for laughing at a guy who dropped dead on a ‘perfect sunny morning in Austin.’ But, you guys, SANDERSON POE. No come on, I want to know who can actually get that name out with a straight face.

I do feel a bit bad for Kelsey as the recap reel careens through her downward spiral of shame on the show, but it’s immediately tampered when I see she’s just as smug and self-satisfied as always, although now with a few tears. I can’t say I blame the other women for disliking her as much as they do, although I will say, Samantha, you didn’t have a bat’s chance in hell of getting the rose that night no matter what Kelsey did, so you need to calm down.

Omg that chunk of side-bang will just not stay put. Someone forgot her butterfly clips at home.

Kelsey: “I’m feeling betrayed. And I can see a lot of contempt on the other women’s faces.” –camera pans to all the women literally staring daggers at Kelsey – “Yep, that very visible emotion written all over their faces is definitely contempt. I don’t even see a hint of a smile, like not even a smize. The venomous expressions on these women’s faces, coupled with their lack of a smile or smize, leads me to believe they don’t like me.”

Best. Guidance. Counselor. Ever.


Kelsey: “I know I’m not perfect. I have warts.” Wtf?! Ewww Kelsey has warts.

Jillian the news producer fact-checked Kelsey’s story and has declared it a-okay. We have to trust her because she works in news.

Ashley I.: “If I was having an emotional moment on the floor, the last person I’d want to see me like that would be the guy I like…” Unless I have my Kardashian eyes on then it’s tots fine.

Ashley S. For President

This chick might be my favorite reality TV personality of all time, from all shows, ever. Here’s my theory on Ashley S.: got picked for the show, came on and realized FC was about as exciting as dry toast, and decided to just eff with everyone and pretend like she was insane. Obviously the other women were all dumb enough to think Ashley S. was actually nuts, but it’s super clear she was just messing with everyone because she’s all IDGAF. I LOVE THIS LADY.

Chris H. shamelessly exploits the Bachelor franchise by demanding Ashley S. come on Bachelor in Paradise, and totally putting her on the spot because she probs already said no in private. Chris H., publically begging people to participate in the making of your next paycheck might even be a step below conducting a public ultrasound of Ashley and J.P.’s fetus.

Jade & Kaitlyn

Combining these two interviews because WOW were they boring, and there’s really not much to say at all about either of them except #BacheloretteWatch 2015: the ABC hair and makeup team definitely has done some serious work on Kaitlyn here, gone is the terrible ombre hair instead replaced with luscious strands of properly curled auburn, mmmhhmmm someone is TOTS the frontrunner for the next Bachelorette right now. Also she’s “still open to love” = dead giveaway. I think Kaitlyn could be super entertaining to watch, but I didn’t realize her voice was so annoying. I guess if we can make it through a season of FC’s dolphin-laugh we can do anything though, you guys, we just need to stick together. Bachelor nation.

Jade still seems super sweet and super dull, she has questions that need answers such as why the flip would she wear that red dress when she’s trying to convince America to take her seriously. But I like how she’s not breaking down on stage (yep, lookin’ at you, Britt) and instead is at least attempting to remain composed.

The Big Guns

Aware that FC is utterly incapable of forming a coherent thought, Chris H. wisely doesn’t even trot the guy out until we have 20 minutes to go. Good move, show producers.

OMG Britt you are NOT crying the minute FC walks out on stage! No, you are not!!

Okay, she totally is.

Britt basically runs onto the stage and then proceeds to give FC a clawing, grasping hug that lasts so long I’m afraid we might go to commercial and come back, and she’ll still be twined around him. Everyone actually goes silent and still there they are, just hugging away. I’m not sure if she’s trying to convince America that she and FC are still embroiled in some secret relationship, or that she’s really really cuddly (#BacheloretteWatch2015) but I’m getting uncomfortable.

Britt shows FC how much she’s matured since the show by immediately throwing Carly under the bus, but luckily this ridiculous game of he-said-she-said is put to rest when FC says: “Britt. I….gamffjkdh….firuowguu…..and….gojirgijr. Okay?”

Britt: “Oh my gosh, I feel so much better now!”

FC to Kaitlyn: “Trying to pick two of you that week in Bali was like throwing darts at a dartboard, in the dark” (try saying that 10 times fast). Sooo what he’s saying is he basically put zero thought into his choice and was just like f*ck it, wherever my dart lands, it lands, yo. So Chris is essentially just sticking his dart wherever he chooses (heehee). And this is why a man who doesn’t know the word “vulnerable” should not be attempting metaphors.

Jade just wants FC to admit that he sent her home because of the nudie photos, but even he’s smart enough to know not to cop to anything. He does admit it was awkward, though, because “he’s never looked at nude photos before…of someone who he’s been dating.” Nice one, FC! I would actually believe it if he said he’s never looked at nudie pics, it must be hella hard to get an internet signal out there in Arlington.

Oh geez these bloopers are so lame—this guy is actually so boring that they needed to recycle ‘silly moments’ from the closing credits of the show to have enough materials for the two-minute segment! Whitney’s horny dog and something with Kaitlyn involving Balinese monkeys, to be exact. Hey, don’t say I’m not dedicated.

The final episode looks stressful, depressing, and more than a little sad—so count me in. Will FC choose blank-faced, impossible to read Becca, or over-the-top, couldn’t-make-it-easier-for-him-to-read Whitney, to be his Queen of the Corn? Tune in next week to find out!!