We come to you today with a heavy heart, weeping of shame at how late this recap to Part 2 of The Bachelor extravaganza from this week is **violent ugly crying**
The truth is that Sunday night circus that ABC generously called an ‘episode’ did all of us at XOXO in for a few days, but now we’re ready to finish off this week’s recap to get you guys good and ready for next week’s all-new episode and… fantasy suites!!
So, hometowns. Eeeee!! Where the cream rises to the top. Where we separate the wheat from the chaff. The husk from the corn. Just trying to get into the spirit with some metaphors that FC might actually understand.
The show kicks off with another classic one-on-one between Becca and Chris, and by classic I mean so mind-numbingly boring that I ACTUALLY want to knock myself out with a sledgehammer to the eye after about 60 seconds. These two are like Dull & Duller together, I can’t even. And the mumbling! I just hope Becca figures out how to enunciate by the time she tells FC she’s a virgin, so we can really get the full effect.
Meanwhile, another brief ‘confrontation’ by the ladies against Britt, who’s doing her best impression of a Bratz doll with her goo-goo eyes and high ponytail as she tries to convince the girls she’s taking herself out of the running. The girls are not buying it, and eventually Britt reverts to ugly cr—oh, who am I kidding, she’s smokin’ hot even when she’s sobbing.
Britt: There’s like, a 100% chance I’m saying goodbye to Chris and leaving.
Britt: Well okay, it’s not for sure, but like definitely at least a 75% chance I’m outtie.
Britt: I mean, there’s a really, really strong 25% chance that this is over. Just OVER.
Britt: No, this is real, you guys. I think there’s a .0001% chance I’m just going to pack my bags and GO. Like I’m just done.
At this point it sort of seems like Carly cares more about screwing over Britt than about advancing herself. It’s weirding me out. At any point I’m expecting Carly to whip out a tiny, hombre-haired voodoo doll with glitter eye makeup and just, like, pin-stick the shit out of her.
Now the ladies are feverishly preparing for the cocktail party that evening, and almost every one of them has a talking head about needing tonight to tell FC something *BIG*, so you just know that thing’s getting cancelled and we’re going straight to rose ceremony. True to form, Chris H. comes in with his solemn face on and informs the ladies that FC knows what he wants to do, and they’re skipping the party. Blind panic ensues. But at least no one had a Kardashian eye queued up for tonight’s cocktail party (lurve ya Ashley I.!), so not all is lost.
The moment of truth, as FC surveys the six ladies in front of him, but as he begins to speak Britt cuts him off and asks him for a minute alone. Shocker. I can’t figure out this chick’s game: does she just want to be the first to say bye bye, or does she really want another chance with him?
Regardless of motive, FC is ALL ice when he and Britt are alone, and I am loooooving it. I totally didn’t expect him to stand up to her and call her out on her BS, but he totally does and she crumbles. FC sends her off amidst a flurry of tears, but oddly in her final talking head she only mentions being super upset at Carly for betraying her and not about losing her chance at true love. Also oddly, no mention of “still being open to finding love” which makes me think she’s super not in the running for Bachelorette next season.
FC returns to the rose ceremony, and the women can’t believe their luck that Britt got sent home, but Carly also ends up getting axed so #karma. In her sad, sad limo ride, Carly’s wailing on and on about how she can’t understand why no one ever wants her. Several reasons immediately come to mind:
2) Career choice
3) Psychopathic, vindictive personality.
But other than those, this is really a head scratcher for me, too.
ON TO HOMETOWNS!
Becca: Shreveport, LA
Unclear why Becca is dressed to go clubbing for a chilly-looking morning walk through the forest. What is it with these virgins and their skanky outfit selections?
Commensurate with the Becca-FC dates so far, this is basically a lot of nothing with a little bit of rowboating thrown in, and some super-less-than-scintillating conversation. Good for Becca for not pulling out all the stops for her hometown date when FC hasn’t done anything except for take her to shoot cans and visit his rockin’ pad in Des Moines.
The big question of the day is, will Becca finally reveal that she’s a virgin? The answer seems to be nope, although I will say her sister and mother do their darndest to let FC know that Becca is a mechanical robot who’s incapable of intimacy or feeling anything real. I mean, WHAT is happening in these one-on-one conversations? And why is Becca’s virginity up for such public debate? If my family was ever so preoccupied with my sexual status, I’d get a new family.
AND NOW FOR A BRIEF FICTIONAL SCENE FROM THE TILLEY FAMILY DINNER TABLE:
Becca: Mom, I got an A on that test I was studying for, and when I was in my room just now I randomly figured out the cure for cancer and I finally mastered that sonnet I’ve been working on—
Becca’s Mom: That’s great, honey, but have you had sex yet?
Becca’s Sister: Yeah, WHY are you still a virgin?
Becca’s Dad: Really, Becs, it’s time to give it up.
At least we know now where she gets the mumbles from. Does no one in Shreveport know how to articulate their vowels?
Becca’s like “My ideal night in the fantasy suite would be hanging out with Chris and just eating sugar doughnuts together.” Sister looks at her pointedly: “He’s gonna be eating something, honey.”
At the end of the evening, FC whisks Becca away to…. an empty state fair. But at least there’s a ferris wheel. Becca says she feels so lightheaded, and like everything is happening so quickly—hmm, maybe it’s because that ferris wheel you’re on is literally spinning you around at the speed of light. Seriously, I’ve never seen such a freaking fast ferris wheel. If nothing else, Shreveport really knows how to throw a carnival!
Whitney: Chicago, IL
Whitney: There’s so much to do and see in Chicago, like the fertility clinic where I work and where I’m also going to casually attempt to inseminate myself with your sperm to give me an edge over the other women. LOL. Spoiler alert: Whitney actually tries to put FC in “the room where the magic happens” later on in the day, and he’s soo not into even trying to play along.
“What do you say we go make a baby?” **forced wink**. Whitney is nothing if not subtle.
When Chris says “I make corn. She makes babies” it might be the first genuinely funny line we’ve heard from him all season.
Whitney’s job does seem really important to her, and I just can’t see how it’s going to translate well to life in Arlington. Will she open a fertility clinic for cows and chickens? Is she going to start artificially inseminating goats to increase the market value of FC’s herd?
Dinner by Whitney’s family is a little sad, I didn’t know she was an orphan, which makes me feel very bad for her. I feel even worse when we see she has a nucking futs hardass for a sister. That fight between them when Whitney’s insisting her sister give FC her blessing, and the sister is like ‘hellz no’ is TOTALLY true to how sisters argue, I love it. You can actually see the daggers shooting out of Whitney’s eyes as she tries to keep her camera face on but is also actually getting really pissed. OMG, Whitney’s sister, just do it, this all means nothing anyways.
Uncle Johnny tells FC that Whitney is “vulnerable and strong”, which floors FC as he realizes that this is how he’s been wanting to describe Whitney all along, but he just couldn’t find the right words! So if nothing else, FC has learned two new words tonight, never a bad thing to expand one’s vocab.
Whitney’s sister holds out, and tells FC to call her when he knows that Whitney’s the one he wants to marry. Eepers. Despite this #blessingfail, the date ends on a high and desperate note with Whitney telling FC she loves him by corking open a bottle of pricey wine. Someone’s gotta dive in first, I guess, but I’m hoping there’s at least some left over on the tiiiinnyyyy chance someone needs ammo for a good post-breakup drinking fest later on.
Kaitlyn: Phoenix, AZ (WTF, I thought she was from Alberta)
Ohh, okay, phew, she is from Alberta, just not in the wintertime when her family relocates to their other home in Phoenix! Casual. How did the mom-and-stepfather and dad-and-stepmother all end up living in the same second-home destination?
As if I didn’t heart her enough already, Kaitlyn kicks off the date by first having FC meet her in a dirty alley to stick it to him for the Costco date, and then taking him to a recording studio to write a rap song. We already witnessed FC’s utter ineptitude for anything resembling singing in Deadwood, so I think it’s hilar that Kaitlyn makes him do this even though she was on that group date and is fully aware of just how awful he is. The rapping is painful, OMG it’s just so painful that I wonder if it could actually be real or if he’s just hamming it up for the cameras. But it’s probably real.
That fire pit in the middle of Kaitlyn’s dining room table is life. New goal is to get to a level in life where I, too, can have a fire pit in the middle of my dining room table.
Kaitlyn’s (real) mom: You look so happy, honey. That light in your eyes is just, it’s incredible.
Kaitlyn: That’s the coke, mom.
All of Kaitlyn’s parents and stepparents seem super nice and supportive, there’s chill dinner talk and the whole evening has a very relaxed, low-pressure vibe. But Kaitlyn wants to tell FC she loves him, so she takes him a rando locale and has it written out on a billboard. So if the two homes thing didn’t allude strongly enough to the fact that K is loaded, this might do it. Aaaannddd now we know how she makes a living from being a dancer (hint: she doesn’t).
Jade: Bumf*ck Nowhere, NE
This is the first visit where FC seems to be really comfortable, probably because it’s the first hometown that makes Arlington look like a remotely acceptable place to live. #Podunkpower
We don’t see Jade and FC’s one-on-one time because there is LITERALLY nothing to do in this town except for chew tobacco and get hammered.
There is only one thing on Jade’s mind today, and that’s coming clean with FC about her nudie Playboy modeling career. In continuing the Tilleys’ trend of family members being grossly overinvolved in their daughter/sister’s personal lives, Jade’s brothers all but hit FC over the head with the fact that JADE IS REBELLIOUS. JADE IS WILD. JADE POSED NAKED FOR PLAYBOY.
Jade’s brother: “Jade is a wild mustang.” Oh boy. Sounds like someone has a crush… at the same time, my NEW new goal in life is to be referred to by someone, at some point, in some capacity, as a wild mustang. I don’t care how where or why, it’s going to happen (Note that this does not preclude the new goal of having a fire pit/dining room table, in fact I think the two sort of go hand-in-hand.)
Jade: “Chris is the nicest guy I’ve ever brought home. He ain’t done prison time or gotten his sister pregnant or nothin’!”
The day comes to a close, but Jade still hasn’t revealed The Big Secret, so she asks for a little more alone time with FC. He’s soooo excited, he’s probably looking forward to another “nap” like the one he took with Britt the other week. But once they arrive in the FC’s
gross rustic room in the town’s one motel, Jade drops the big bomb: Playboy approached her to model for them, and she said yes.
**Okay, as a side note here, I have NO IDEA how this whole modeling thing works, but does Playboy really have to “approach” women to find willing models? Like, it’s Playboy—they don’t have would-be models banging down the door? They sought Jade out, or Jade sought them out? I’m dubious…
FC’s reaction is, at once, slightly horrified and more than a little turned on. He’s waaaay too eager to take a peek at the photos upon Jade’s suggestion, which I think is weird on her part. If it were me (you know, because of all the times I’ve been approached by Playboy and everything) I would probably make my case, and then leave him to look at the pictures, in, er… private, if he so chooses. But I certainly wouldn’t sit there with my multicolored footie socks and look/ watch WITH him. Yes, I said watch, because in addition to the photos, there’s video footage of Jade Elizabeth that they watch together. She’s so diverse!
The whole scene is super awks, but FC assures Jade that he’s judging her based on who she is now, not the things she did in the past. Horse baloney. He’s totally judging her based on her past. But Jade seems to buy it, because she skips out of his room, still inexplicably shoeless—WHY ARE YOU WALKING AROUND THAT DISGUSTING MOTEL IN SOCKS YOU’RE GOING TO GET SCABIES JADE—and feeling awesome about doing the right thing by telling him.
And I’m sure Jade really does feel relieved… until, that is, FC gives her the shaft at the rose ceremony and sends her home. Her dress in this scene actually defies any sort of logic, it’s like the producers told her to go for something that a hooker would put on if she was attempting to be classy. There are a lot of tears, and a lot of side boob. When FC walks Jade out he resolutely shies away from the whole Playboy topic, instead resting on the classic “You and I just aren’t as far along as I am with the other women” thing—his refusal to even acknowledge the Playboy thing leads me to think that he’s definitely sending her home because of the Playboy thing. I don’t know if I blame him: can’t exactly see Jade in her white thong (pure conjecture, I did NOT look at any of Jade’s pics hahahahahah **frantic nervous laughter**) shucking corn in Arlington.
Next week we’re finally down to few enough women for ABC to afford an international destination, so here we go! Not sure exactly where they’re headed, but it’s sweaty, and it’s fantasy suites, so things are sure to get CRAY. Tune in next week for the lowdown!