Are things a little dull in the boudoir? Looking for something new or advice that actually works? You’re in luck! Lisa Cach—author of the scintillating series 1,001 Erotic Nights, and the concubine in 1,001 Erotic Nights, Part 2: Barbarian’s Concubine—is passing along some tips that are actually doable (heh, see what I did there?) with your partner. Read below to bring some spice into your life! And don’t forget to download 1,001 Erotic Nights, Part 1: Slave Girl today and preorder 1,001 Erotic Nights, Part 2: Barbarian’s Concubine, on sale August 25th!
1) Decide that your sex life matters enough to make the effort to enliven it.
How many “spice up your sex life” tip lists have you read through, and rejected each suggestion as too much effort, or too embarrassing or too ridiculous? So you do nothing, and nothing changes.
There are no magic sex fairies who are going to come sprinkle excitement dust on you and your partner. Reading a list only works if you use some of what you read, or let it inspire you to your own ideas, on which you follow through. You are the only magic sex fairy.
Decide that you’ll put in the work to spice up your sex life, and it will happen. To paraphrase Thomas Edison: “A livelier sex life is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration.”
2) You can’t wait around for “the mood” to hit, so bring it on yourself.
If you’re rarely in the mood… then read erotica, or watch porn. Look at sexy photos or kinky Japanese manga. Re-read a favorite love scene. Imagine having sex with a favorite fictional character. If you think about sex, the body will follow.
Let me say that again: Think about sex, and the body will follow.
If you want to re-ignite your sex life, you’re going to have to approach it strategically, and with the determination of a general. You can’t wait for “the mood” to hit you and your partner, any more than a writer can afford to sit around waiting for inspiration. Start the task, and the energy for it will follow.
A few more strategic tips:
Jump up and down or do push-ups before sex. 1-5 minutes of a physical activity that gets your heart rate up and starts some heavy breathing will also get blood flowing to the crucial areas. Your sexual response will be stronger. I’m not kidding. Try it right before getting busy with your someone.
Planning a quick weekend away, or a date night? If you’re female, plan it for when you’re ovulating. You’ll be extra sexy then, shooting out all manner of “take me” pheromones, and you’ll be horny, too. Might as well load the hormones in your sexual favor, eh?
If your partner is lolling blank-faced on the couch, and you are too… If the thought strikes you that there’s actually time and opportunity for sex right then, if only one of you had the desire and could make an effort… That’s a moment of choice. Not of desire: of choice. Is your sex life worth spicing up? Yes? Then seduce your lover. It will take some effort, and maybe even you don’t really feel like it at first, but get started and you’ll probably succeed. Wrestle that challenge into the bed (or onto the floor). At least what you’re doing is more interesting than whatever’s on TV.
Special tip to persuading a reluctant partner to get busy with you: yank off their pants and give them oral sex. Protests magically disappear.
3) Push a boundary.
Your boundary, your partner’s boundary, doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to be pushed very hard, either. Do something that makes you feel a twinge of embarrassment or alarm. Just a twinge is enough, and it can take surprisingly little to get that twinge. It could be as simple as making louder noises of pleasure, if you’re usually quiet.
Voice a wish for your partner to do something to you that you’ve always kind of wanted, but been too shy to ask. Let your partner watch you masturbate, if you’ve never done that before, and the thought doesn’t quite make you faint.
Get a book on sexual technique, and try something new that makes you blush to think about. It’s that frisson of fear, of alarm, of tension that we’re chasing.
Do a striptease, if you’ve always felt too awkward to pull one off. If you’ve never bought a sex toy, go to a shop together – even if it’s just online. You don’t have to buy anything. Just look, if doing even just that together makes you tense (and if it doesn’t make you tense, then buy something that does make you cringe, at least a bit).
The point is to do something that makes you a little bit nervous. Not so scared that you shut down, but not feeling so safe that your blood’s not pumping, either.
Remember: you decided your sex life was worth the effort to spice up. Show a little courage, and push a boundary.
4) Novelty is the spice of sex.
Do something, anything, different. Choose a different room. A different piece of furniture. Put different sheets on the bed. Do some strange landscaping on the nether shrubbery, and tell your mate about it before letting him or her see. Get some kinky henna tattoos on your body (they’re temporary, don’t worry).
Change the lighting, the music, the way you’ve arranged your hair, the color of your underclothes. Randomly choose a position from a book, and use it whether it looks like fun or not.
Change the usual time of day you have sex. Speak in a foreign language (even if all you can do is count to ten). Wear a hat. Wear high heels to bed.
Anything, as long as it’s different.
We fall into ruts in part because we’ve found the most efficient path to the desired end. Touch me here, here, here, then enter, whee, done. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. It’s the path of least resistance. Doing something different will likely mean doing something that takes more energy, and is less comfortable or immediately pleasurable… but quick gratification is not the point. Novelty is the point. Novelty piques our interest and excitement.
Novelty is spice.
5) Say yes.
This is a rule from improv comedy. Whatever your partner suggests, agree beforehand that tonight you’ll say yes, and go with it. No rejection for new ideas, guaranteed. And vice versa, with whatever you ask of your partner. Who knows where that could lead?
Aren’t you curious to find out?
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If you’ve been with your partner so long that you’ve gotten boringly comfortable with each other in bed, congratulations! You’re safe, you’re secure. And that means you have a relationship that is trusting enough to push a boundary, to say yes to the unknown, and to explore depths of your own sexuality that might otherwise remain unplumbed.
Now go have fun!