As you know if you’ve spent much time poking around XOXOAD, we are not only book lovers, but television lovers. And while of course the Bachelor and its clones hold a special place in our hearts, tonight we thought we’d take that “clone” thing a bit more literally: welcome to our first ever Orphan Black recap!

The show doesn’t waste any time opening, as Sarah is tearing through the rainy streets after Kira, who’s been kidnapped. She calls Felix but gets his machine. At a loss, she staggers into a diner where a friendly cook offers her tea. Sara’s frantically going through her phone but keeps getting “not in service” messages from her sister clones. Finally, she calls Paul and leaves a message. He calls right back–or does he? Nope, it’s Rachel, the “proclone,” who tells Sarah that Kira will be safe if Sarah comes into Dyad and makes a deal.

Two weird dudes come in like they’re something out of a Tarantino film, and have a strange conversation with the cook about “free range eggs.” They sidle up to Sarah and when she speaks, they say, “She’s got the lilt [ed note: I think?]. She’s the one.” Head Weird Dude has dead eyes like a fish. They disarm her at gunpoint, but friendly cook tries to stop them by pulling out a shotgun. However, Sarah is unusually dumb and stops trying to get away when Psycho Dude #1 says, “We’ve come to take you to Kira.” This gives Psycho #2 time to shoot the poor cook, who shoots him back, and Sarah runs.

Credits! They’re like 2 seconds long.

Now Sarah’s in a club, where she finds Felix in a pile of gentlemen. He is wearing nothing but a leather vest and chaps (note I do not say “assless,” because all chaps are assless–but he has no pants so you can see his ass in them). After a scolding, Sarah explains what’s going on and then gets another call from Paul, trying to arrange a meet. She insists on seeing Mrs. S., but it’s not happening. On the other end of the phone, a stern fellow threatens Paul with a bullet to the head if he doesn’t stop helping Sarah. Sarah steals a random barfly’s phone and off they go.

Now we’re in a garrett with Cosima and Delphine, taking blood and canoodling. Cosima doesn’t seem to know whether to trust Delphine because she’s working for Leekie…but Delphine insists it’s only to help Cosima (who as we recall is coughing up blood).

Alison creeps down to her back door in the middle of the night to find Felix knocking (and still high, by the way).  She’s pissed! (And not just because he’s mixing up the ribbons in her crafting station.) She stopped drinking, she’s gotten her life together–she’s even doing community theatre! He wants guns, and Alison’s all, “Dude, my guns are at the range and registered to me, and Sarah can’t just be shooting people under my name.” After a brief interruption from Donnie (in black banana-smugglers, eek), Alison confesses that she knows a certain “gun enthusiast” named Ramon who could help them out with something unregistered. Felix is awed that Alison has a personal gun dealer.

Paul gets a phone from a skateboarder–it’s Sarah on the other line, and he tells her that Rachel has Kira on a private plane that’s about to leave, with or without her. Meanwhile, Nefarious Agents are closing in on Sarah’s signal, and approach a tousled brunette with her back to them, standing oddly still on the phone.  You guessed it–it’s a set up! Not Sarah, but instead a LadySkatePunk who says, “She said to tell you, ‘Up yours.'” Not the most eloquent ever, but hey, she’s under a lot of pressure right now.

The real Sarah, looking battered, gets on a bus and borrows a phone from a little kid, who tries to trade it for a boob touch, but gets a smack on the head for his trouble. She calls Felix and Cosima and we learn that she’s planning to gatecrash a fancy reception. Neither Felix nor Cosima thinks this is a great idea, but Sarah remains unmoved.

Alison’s in the parking lot of the EconoMart, where Ramon comes out in his working vest. She asks if he’s on a break, but he assures her that “Customer service never takes a break at EconoMart.” Hee! Ramon turns out to have a wider assortment of wares than his employer, and after offering Alison some drugs, which she graciously declines, he catches her drift and picks her out something nice (and unregistered). Alison is courteous to the end, and as we pull away from this exchange, we hear, “So how’s your mother?” Heh.

Delphine’s reporting to Leekie, who wants Cosima to come into the lab full time. Delphine says that she wants the same thing, because 324B21 is showing the same respiratory symptoms–and she plunks down a vial of blood. (Presumably the one taken from Cosima, but this show has me so paranoid I don’t take anything at face value.)

Now we’re at a hilarious community theatre scene that’s like Poor Man’s Waiting for Guffman. Apparently Aynsley (Alison’s former bestie, then enemy, whom she watched strangle to death by scarf-in-disposal) was supposed to be in this troupe, and Alison is planning to take over her role. When the director tells her no, she’s preparing for a fight…until he explains that they want her to be the lead! Then we get a crazy bit of this very terrible-looking musical involving cleaning products and an asthma inhaler. Art walks into rehearsal just long enough to see Alison center stage, singing her heart out.

Art and his partner Angie have somehow figured out where Sarah is (because of Alison? because they figured Sarah was coming to see Alison? I don’t know), and they grab her just as Alison’s coming out of the community center with Ramon’s gun. Alison hides before Art and Angie notice her, though. Sarah tells them who’s after her, and while Angie doesn’t buy it, Sarah notes they’re not arresting her because she hasn’t done anything. Art agrees to check her story out.

Back at LeekieLabs, Rachel tells Aldous she needs his office because she got “both the Koreans.” Then she tells Paul he’s coming with her to…China? (She asks if he speaks Mandarin.) Paul goes off sullenly to pack a bag, leaving Rachel alone to tie Leekie’s bowtie in preparation for the big gala that evening.

Art’s partner goes into the diner, where Feds are securing the crime scene (dead cook and Psycho #2), but observe that based on the empty teapot at the table, someone got away from the shooting. While they’re waiting in the car, Sarah confesses to Art that they’ve got her daughter. Angie comes out and says that the Feds claimed jurisdiction, so they’re bumped. Art says to let Sarah go, which pisses Angie off, but there’s nothing they can do.

Back at the loft, Sarah, Cosima and Felix are hanging out when Ramon comes with a flower arrangement from Alison, noting “it’s what’s inside that counts.” You betcha–the gun’s in the flowers (along with a lovely handmade card!). They Skype Alison briefly, who is pleased to see that the flowers look nice. She apologizes for missing Clone Club, but she’s altering costumes for the musical. Sarah’s big plan is still to show up at the Dyad benefit and just…shoot a bunch of people, and even though EVERYONE points out that this is a shitty plan, she’s going forward. Alison tells her to break a leg and signs off…at which point Sarah explains the last bit of her plan, which “Alison’s not gonna like.”

Turns out she tells Dyad she’s willing to make a deal with Rachel, but only in person. Rachel’s henchman asks for the meeting point, and Sarah tells him, “I’ll be driving the red minivan.” Sure enough, they snatch Alison, who fights back impressively and hilariously, pulling out both her mace and her rape whistle and immobilizing two of the Dyad guys before she gets tossed into the back of their van. However, her confusion and outrage–she demands to talk to Dr. Leekie immediately–make clear that they’ve grabbed the wrong clone, and the head henchman apologizes and lets her go again.

Cut to Dyad, with many dressed up moguls and nerds. Among said nerds is Sarah, dressed as Cosima. Tatiana Maslany is already an amazing actress, because it’s so easy to forget that these characters are all played by the same person–but she’s particularly impressive when playing one clone masquerading as another. She deserves all the awards. In this case, you can see that her cornrows are actually just twists in her hair, and she’s wearing her glasses low on her nose so she can see over them. As she tries to sneak past the bar (in her bright red coat) of course Delphine spots her, kissing her and calling over Dr. Leekie. They have a little exchange where Sarah-Cosima bargains with Leekie for her own lab at Dyad, which is just an excuse for her to hug him and steal his access card. Leekie walks off, and Delphine grabs Sarah to reveal that she can tell she’s not Cosima. Sarah asks where Kira is, but Delphine’s all, “How should I know, I’ve never met your family or Rachel.” Sarah has to move on alone.

Leekie starts his speech to the assembled guests, while we watch Rachel in Leekie’s office with the Koreans engaged in some formal exchanges. She’s explaining that Dyad’s lobby has already gained the first court decision in their favor regarding “natural vs. synthetic DNA,” and are proceeding to the next stage. Sarah’s crept up (and ditched the red coat) and watches as the Koreans leave the office, slipping in behind them. Rachel doesn’t even turn around, in the patented villain move of “I totes expected this.”

Surprise! Rachel doesn’t have Kira–she just said that in order to get Sarah to come in. Ruh-roh. Sarah pulls that gun she fought so hard to get, and Rachel’s all, “You’re not going to shoot me.” (Guess she didn’t watch last season?) Sarah promptly shoots out the window just over Rachel’s shoulder, and then knocks her to the ground. She’s still demanding Kira, convinced Rachel’s lying, and there’s some rather satisfying pistol-whipping as they spar. But then the click of a second gun ends the fun…Paul comes into the office and tells Sarah to back off. Rachel smiles smugly, which gets her a pound to the face that appears to knock her clean out. Sarah and Paul exchange a little “what are you, their lap dog now?” jibbajabba before Sarah punches him in the face. “It had to be the face?” he asks, before telling her, “Go–I’ll think of something to tell them.” Aha! The old double-double-double cross! (Though I’m not sure why they had to playact the “you betrayed me” stuff if Rachel was knocked out.)

Art is trudging up to his apartment door after what has obviously been a very long day, when he’s startled by the shadowy figure of Sarah, who has nowhere else to go.  He lets her in, where she sees photos of Maggie Chen that Art’s been poring over. Sarah tells him that Dyad doesn’t have her kid, but Art already knows, because the Feds say the diner shooting was domestic terrorism by a group called the Prolethians–Helena’s people! As Sarah settles down to tell Art the story, we cut to…

A bloody pair of combat boots staggering down a hospital corridor, and as we pan up, we come to a bloody shirt, bloody hands (smearing said blood all over the wall, yuck) and then…a terrible blond spiral perm! Yes, it’s Helena! She drags herself to the nurse’s station and says, “Excuse me. My sister shot me,” before collapsing. As nurses rush to her aid, Psycho Dude #1 appears and just watches in satisfaction. The camera pans in close on his western belt buckle, which features a leaping fish of some sort. I don’t know why it’s significant.

And the last shot of the show is Kira, sitting on a bed in a hotel room while a male voice tells her to look at the camera. Eeeeeeek.

Thank goodness we’re done, because that was exhausting! I need clones just to recap this whole thing. So what did you all think? Was the season premiere everything you were waiting for?