Have you ever had an obnoxiously loud roommate or neighbor? No, no, I don’t mean that they use their outside voice inside or that they yell when they’re on Skype. I’m talking loud as in he/she is a screamer. Or a grunter. Or a banger. A wallbanger, if you will. Unfortunately, I’ve had that roommate. And let me tell you, it’s a not a pleasant experience. But I think my experience completely pales in comparison to Caroline’s situation. In Alice Clayton’s Wallbanger, Caroline has just moved into her fancy new digs in San Francisco, only to discover her neighbor Simon doesn’t have issues with the ladies. Or with banging his headboard against their shared bedroom wall. Although Caroline has yet to meet Simon face to face, she certainly knows his moves well. As well as his “harem;” three different girls he seems to rotate through. Read on to find out just exactly how Caroline and her cat, Clive, were welcomed to the neighborhood after a night out celebrating with her girls.
The two of them pulled down the duvet, and I crawled under the covers and glared. They tucked me in so well that the only things sticking out were my eyeballs, my nostrils, and my messy hair.
“Why is the room spinning? What the hell did you guys do to Jillian’s apartment? She’ll kill me if I mess up her rent control!” I cried, moaning as I watched the room move.
“The room isn’t spinning. Settle down.” Mimi chuckled, sitting next to me and patting my shoulder.
“And that thumping, what the hell is that thumping?” I whispered in Mimi’s armpit, which I sniffed and then complimented her deodorant choice.
“Caroline, there’s no thumping. Jesus, you must have had more than we thought!” Sophia exclaimed, settling down at the end of the bed.
“No, Sophia, I hear it too. You can’t hear that? “Mimi said in a hushed voice.
Sophia was quiet, and all three of us listened. There was a distinct thump and then an unmistakable groan.
“Kittens, lay back. You are about to get wall banged,” I stated.
Sophia and Mimi’s eyes grew wide, but they stayed quiet.
Would it be Spanks? Purina? Anticipating the latter, Clive entered the room and jumped on the bed. He stared at the wall with rapt attention.
The four of us sat and waited. I can barely describe what we were subjected to this time.
Mimi and Sophia looked at Clive and me. We just shook out heads — both of us, really. A slow smile spread across Sophia’s face. I focused on the voice coming through the wall. It was different …. The pitch was lower, and, well, I couldn’t really make out exactly what she was saying. It wasn’t Spanks or Purina….
“Yes, yes—snort—yes! F***, f***—giggle-hee haw—f***, yes!
She was giggling. She was a dirty, dirty giggler.
The three of us tittered along with her as she giggled and snorted her way toward what sounded like one helluva climax. Clive, realizing quickly that his beloved wasn’t making an appearance, beat a hasty retreat to the kitchen.
“What the hell is this?” Mimi whispered, her eyes as wide as apple pies.
“This is the sexual torture I’ve been listening to for the last two nights. You have no idea,” I growled, feeling the effects of the tequila.
“Giggler has been getting done like this for the last two nights?” Sophia cried, slapping her hand over her mouth as more moaning and laughter filtered through the wall.
“Oh, hell no. Tonight is the first night I’ve had the pleasure of this one. The first night was Spanks. She was a naughty, naughty girl and needed to be punished. And last night Clive met the love of his life when Purina made her debut—”
“Why do you call her Purina?” Sophie interrupted.
“Because she meows when he makes her come,” I said, hiding under the covers. My buzz was beginning to face, replaced by the distinct lack of sleep I’d experienced since moving into this den of debauchery.
Sophia and Mimi peeled the covers from my face just as the chick screamed, “Oh, God that’s …. that’s—hahahaha—so good!”
“The guy next door can make a woman meow?” Sophia asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Apparently so.” I chuckled, feeling the first wave of nausea wash over me.
“Why is she laughing? Why would anyone be laughing while they’re getting done like that?” Mimi asked.
“No idea, but it’s nice to hear she’s enjoying herself,” Sophia said, laughing herself at a particularly loud guffaw. Guffaw, my aunt Fanny ….
“Have you seen this guy yet?” asked Mimi, still staring at the wall.
“Nope. My peephole is getting a workout, though.”
“Glad to hear at least one hole is getting some around here,” Sophia muttered.
I glared at her. “Charming, Sophia. I’ve seen the back of his head, and that’s it,” I answered, sitting up.
“Wow, three girls in three nights. That’s some kind of stamina,” Mim said, still looking in wonder at the wall.
“It’s some kind of disgusting is what it is. I can’t even sleep at night! My poor wall!” I wailed as I heard a deep groan from him.
“Your wall, what does your wall have to do—” Sophia began, and I help up my hand.
“Wait for it, please,” I said. He began to bring it on home.
The wall began to shake with the rhythmic banging, and the woman’s giggles got louder and louder. Sophia and Mimi stared in wonder, as I just shook my head.
I could hear Simon moaning, and I knew he was getting close. But his sounds were quickly drowned out by this evening’s friend.
“ Oh—giggle—that’s—giggle—it—giggle—don’t—giggle—stop—giggle—don’t—giggle—stop—giggle—oh—giggle-snort—God—giggle-giggle snort-snort—don’t—giggle—stop!— giggle.”
Please. Please. Please, stop.
And with one last giggle and groan, silence fell across the land. Sophia and Mimi looked at each other, and Sophia said, “Oh.”
“My,” added Mimi.
“God,” they said together.
“And that’s why I can’t sleep,” I sighed.
While the three of use recovered from Giggler, Clive returned to play in the corner with a cotton ball.
Giggler, I think I hate you most of all….
If Caroline was listening to you through the wall, what nickname do you think she would give you?
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