Hello, Bachelorinas! The universe smiled down upon your exhausted recapper, still recovering from yesterday’s long night of Oscar-watching (and the better-than-Shyamalan twist ending!), and made tonight’s episode only an hour long. Wow, remember when TV used to just be an hour, or sometimes even half an hour? How much more did our forebears accomplish? Boggles the mind.

Anywhozit, I watched the show while woofing down a burrito and so I’m going to make this one quick, and from memory. We begin as we ended last week, with former Bachelor/Bachelorette star Andi Dorfman making a surprise visit to Nick’s hotel room (while his potential fiancees freeze outside! It’s so cold and windy on the roof deck!). Andi and Nick make awkward small talk and sip whiskey before launching into the business of the hour–Nick confesses that it’s harder than he thought to break up with 29 people in a row, and he’s not sure he sees himself with any of them at the end of this “journey.”

Andi tells him to lighten up, think about whether he can truly picture himself having a future with these women, and if he can, get thee to the Fantasy Suite! She’s all for taking the car for a test drive before you buy it, and says that if Nick and his ladies-love are consenting, he should go for it. (She graciously does not tell him to shape up his bedroom patter, which was the reason she dumped him, according to her book.)

But in the end, Nick offers a very heartfelt-sounding apology to Andi for calling her out on her season’s “After the Final Rose” show, because it caused her pain (and contributed, ultimately, to the ending of her engagement to Josh). She accepts, and suddenly I’m envisioning a Will-and-Grace-style buddy comedy with these two.

Meanwhile, outside, all four remaining women have frozen to death. Show’s over.

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Nick has four beautiful ladies in front of him, but only three roses. Who shall continue on in search of love, and who shall be flung off the balcony in disgrace? (I’d like to volunteer someone, if you’re asking…)

Anyway, it’s windy and cold and the poor women are clearly freezing, so Nick rushes through the ceremony as much as the producers will let him. After last week’s hometown dates, I was sure that Corinne was a lock.


But as he picks first Raven, then Rachel, my heart begins to warm, just a little bit…and as he hands his final rose to Vanessa, it grows two sizes! Like a flower, it blooms, watered by Corinne’s tears of disappointment. She sobs, and I am relieved that I don’t have to watch a girl who still acts like she’s 12 bare it all in the fantasy suite.

Much as I hate Corinne, I did feel for her as she plaintively says, “I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you upset…”. Oh, girl, that’s no way to have a relationship! You should be with someone who can get upset and still want to be with you. Neither Nick nor I are those people, but I know you’ll be fine on Bachelor in Paradise. Into the SUV of Sorrow you go.

And with that, Nick whisks the ladies off to beautiful…Finland? Um, OK.

To be fair, the scenery is absolutely stunning. They’re in Lapland, which looks wild and unsullied and…cold. Really, really cold. It’s covered in snow, and everyone is bundled up. But there’s hope of some seriously gorgeous Northern Lights spotting, which will have to make up for taking a vacation Beyond the Wall. #winteriscoming

Nick runs down the three remaining women, enumerating their pros and cons, and ends on Raven, who’ll get the first Finland date. They take a helicopter tour (how many helicopters has he been on this season? This is insane) and look at reindeer herds while Raven tells us in various talking heads that she wished she’d told Nick she loved him while they were in her hometown–so now’s the time!

Even more nerve-wracking than that is the fact that Raven has only ever slept with one person, her ex-boyfriend, and he never gave her an orgasm! Good luck with that, Nick. Hope you bring your A-game. (O-game?) They play darts in a pub, then have dinner, and they talk and talk and talk. This is to convince everyone, including the viewers and themselves, that they know each other well enough to get engaged.

Then it’s Fantasy Suite time! Raven opens the envelope, which urges them to decide if they want to head suite-ward, and reminds them to look up at the Northern Lights. Raven “yes ands” the heck out of that proposal, and off to the suite they go! It’s not exactly luxurious, but it’s charming, and the ceiling over the bed is glass so they can snuggle up and watch for lights. We leave them to their canoodling, which is moving at a respectfully slow pace.

So slow, in fact, that the episode is over! Tune in next week to a THREE-HOUR episode full of dates, tears and doubt. But don’t click away until you watch the cheesy post-credits bumper of Nick doing…winter commando training? I don’t know what this is. But he seems to feel he was victorious in the end.

And so should we all be. Until next week, darlings!

Missed last week’s ep? Read our recap here.

Want to know more about Nick and Andi’s history? Check out her interview on the XOXO After Darkcast!