Bachelor recap: A relationship built on whipped cream and lies

I’ve tried to start this recap three times already, but I’m exhausted from the week’s news, and then Bachelor opens with Taylor and Corinne bitching at each other endlessly, and I can’t even. As predicted, Corinne gets pissed when Taylor calls her immature, so she flips the script and basically tells Taylor that she’s a bitch and nobody in the house likes her. Ugh, Corinne is the #alternativefacts of the show. Of course, she seals the deal by running straight to Nick and saying that Taylor’s mean to everyone in the house, and worse…NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.

Nick tells Chris that he’s “less concerned with conversations between them and more with how they handle it with me,” i.e. “it’s about me and I don’t care how they feel.” Hmm, it appears I’m over Nick as our bachelor! That didn’t take long.

Rose ceremony! Incidentally, it is so f’ing cold in this weird barn space that you can see the contestants’ breath. It’s so cold, the producers let them keep their coats on. Nick hands out roses to Whitney, Danielle M., Jasmine, Rachel, Josephine (why is he keeping her around? she’s boring and not cute), Vanessa, Alexis (Team DolphinShark 4Eva!!!), Corinne and…Taylor! Taylor accepts her rose with all the enthusiasm of someone just handed a used Kleenex.

We say farewell to Astrid and Sarah, as Nick stands pensively in the barn doorway watching them walk away. Time to shake it off and hit the road to New Orleans! Coming up, we have to listen to MORE of this Taylor/Corinne nonsense, Nick macks on three different women, and there’s a group date in a haunted house, eeeeeek!

Once the ladies check into their penthouse suite, we get a bunch of talking heads about how everyone wants a one-on-one date, and someone will get one–but there will also be a two-in-one date. OK, is anyone remotely confused about who the two will be? If so, you need some remedial reality TV training. Please review our previous Bachelor recap seasons.

In lieu of further recapping of the Taylor/Corinne shenanigans, please accept this Princess Rap Battle (and find more here):

Nick’s one-on-one date is with Rachel, and they do all the usual N’awlins stuff–trying hot sauce, eating beignets at Cafe du Monde, joining in a second line. They dance and smooch, and Rachel sings the praises of Nick’s “swag.” Conveniently, the second line goes right by the hotel where the left-behinds can see it from the window. Who’s the mean girl now, Nick, WHO’S THE MEAN GIRL NOW?

They pop into a club with a “concert” and dancing by a small crowd pretending that it’s not the middle of the afternoon. And then they bounce–huh? No product-placed name dropping of the singer? Sorry, nameless bar band! Eventually they wind up having dinner in that warehouse where they keep all the Mardi Gras floats. It’s old hat to Team XOXO, because the RT convention was held in New Orleans a couple of years ago! Let’s see if I can find some of our own pics…

Our float in action! Our publisher, Louise Burke, tosses beads to the crowd.

Our float in action! Our publisher, Louise Burke, tosses beads to the crowd.

What, you aren't preceded by stilt walkers everywhere you go?

What, you aren’t preceded by stilt walkers everywhere you go?

 

Anyway, after some talk about how Nick wants to be respectful of Rachel’s dad, he gives her the rose. Exeunt, pursued by a bear float.

Back at the hotel, it’s time to learn who’ll be going on the group date! The clue reads only “‘Til Death Do Us Part.” First up is Josephine, followed by Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine and Danielle L.

Was anyone surprised by this? Of course not. Raven says she has no idea who’ll come back, as they will both “fight to the death.” I hope it’s Taylor, only because I’m sick of listening to Corinne’s smugness, but it doesn’t matter. Whoever comes back is going to get tossed after hometowns–I don’t think either of these women will make it to the finals.

But first we have to scare the heck out of the rest of the women! They pull up to a beautiful plantation home, where Nick waits on the lawn to welcome them and explain that the place is haunted. It’s supposedly one of the most haunted houses in all of Louisiana (Google suggests that they’re at the Houmas House and Burnside Plantation, but I couldn’t find mention of the haunting–or the show–on their website). They get a creepy tour from the master of ceremonies and learn about Mae, the little girl-ghost who’s hunting for her doll. Mae doesn’t like it when you touch her stuff, apparently.

They sit down to dinner all together, and some of them are joking about the possibility of a haunting, while others feel more serious about it. They plant themselves on the floor with a bunch of candles and then they happen to find a Ouija board! (Turns out Ouija board closeups are like the equivalent of the E! channel’s red-carpet mani cam–lots of good nail work here, ladies!)

The lights go out, completely on their own you guys! They walk up to Mae’s room and…her doll is missing from its glass case! Call Ghost Hunters! Jasmine is playing the “I don’t believe in ghosts” role and pooh-poohing it all while walking around with Nick and Josephine.

Back at the hotel, Corinne is running herself a bubble bath and ordering room service and drinking champagne. Word on the street is that Corinne spent the whole show wasted, and all those “naps” were because she passed out before the rose ceremony. The editors certainly made sure to include clips from talking heads where she’s sloshing around a champagne glass.

There’s more haunted house shenanigans, but you get the idea. This will only be surprising if Mae gets the group date rose. But Nick resists Mae’s supernatural pressure and gives the rose to Danielle M. The other women look gracefully disappointed.

Two-on-one date day! Corinne and Taylor travel silently in their town car to the bayou, where they ride in a motorboat and look at gators and snakes. They disembark on a shore teeming with bugs and a dried spine until they encounter a group of voodoo priests and priestesses who “just happen” to be practicing there. I think both Corinne and Taylor are eyeing the voodoo dolls. They’re taken to a tarot reader…Taylor can’t wait, because she seems sure Corinne’s perfidy will be revealed, while Corinne is just afraid of all the bugs. The reader “picks up” on tension and says she has to read the women one at a time, and picks Taylor first. This of course gives Corinne time to talk with Nick about how mean and bad Taylor is…again.

If Taylor is as emotionally intelligent as she claims, she’ll listen to the reader, who is delivering advice like “stay out of the situation with the person who’s nasty to you.” However, Taylor is going to fail at this. And indeed, Nick goes right to Taylor to ask what’s up, and although she starts out well, looking unbothered and calmly denying Corinne’s wilder claims, soon she’s over-explaining and Nick looks bored. In-house drama is tedious, yo! He doesn’t want to choose, so he’s just going to ditch the one he wants to make out with. (Meanwhile, Corinne is literally making a voodoo doll with the tarot reader.)

How do we feel about this live-action Beauty and the Beast remake, everyone? I like Emma Watson a lot, but I just don’t feel like the arts are clamoring for this one.beauty

 

At this point, I think Nick should send them both home–he doesn’t much care about either of them, and the producers would probably love to put them both in the same car. (Heh. That would suck.)

But no…whipped cream and lies wins, as so often happens. Nick and Corinne re-board their boat–Corinne clutching both the rose and the voodoo doll–while Taylor sits stone-faced at the tarot table. And then it’s dark? WTF, they just left her there? Taylor wanders back to the voodoo priests, who give her some sort of cleansing and smudging. In voiceover, she tells us, “I’m not going home without seeking my peace.” (Or maybe, “speaking my piece”–my cable went out at that point.)

Oh, goody. So we get more Taylor and Corinne fighting even when one of them’s off the show? How terribly exciting. Oy, Taylor is marching down the street to…intrude on their date? Of course she is.

Until next time, my loves, just remember that no matter how many battles rage outside your doors, at least you’re not sitting in a swamp being bitten by giant mosquitos. Ah, romance!

 

For last week’s recap, click here.

For next week’s recap, click here!

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Andi Dorfman, the beloved finalist of season eighteen of The Bachelor who infamously rejected Juan Pablo and went on to star on season ten of The Bachelorette, dishes about what it’s like to live out a love story—and its collapse—in front of the cameras, offering hard-won advice for moving on after a break-up, public or not.

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