Gabra Zackman is faithfully recapping this season of The Bachelorette, even when it gets super-boring. For the many hours of our lives she’s saving us, we thank her. To honor her sacrifice, read on!
We open with the continuation of last week’s rose ceremony. Jojo is weeping, resplendent in cobalt. Luke has just said he loves her for real, pulling her outside mid-ceremony. It has rattled the other three men. But will it make a difference?
First rose goes to…Jordan.
Second rose goes to…Robbie.
And the final rose goes to…Chase.
This blogger is #heartbroken. NOOOO!!! LUKE WAS THE BEST ONE!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
She weeps, and walks him out. Deeply saccharine music plays in the background. “We’ll never know what we could have had,” he says. “I wanted to fall in love with you and now we’ll never get to see it through.”
“I don’t know how to say goodbye to you,” she weeps upon his shoulder.
“I thought that magic was real,” he says, shell shocked. “I thought you knew it was real. I thought you wanted that.”
OMG he is completely SHATTERED.
“I’m gonna miss you,” she says.
“I miss you already,” he replies.
“I’m sorry,” she weeps further. He leaves. She continues to cry. In the car he holds his face in his hands.
“I feel like a person who just got hit by a train,” he says, eyes rimmed red. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“This shouldn’t have been so hard!” she chokes out. “What if that was a mistake? That scares me!” It was, this blogger ardently believes. It was, most def, a mistake.
“I miss him already.” Yes, Jojo, so do we.
OFF TO THAILAND
They’re in paradise, aqua waters, temples, and the sea air.
DATE 1: ROBBIE
They start in a market. They make out: that’s 1. And wind up in a rainstorm. They get massages. They talk about honesty, Robbie’s past, how he loves her. They kiss again. That’s 2. They kiss AGAIN, under cover upon a pier. There’s cloying music in the background.
They talk more about love and their feelings. I have to be honest: I’m finding this boring. I think part of it is that I don’t buy this relationship. But also, they’re talking so much about love and deep feelings and I just DON’T BUY IT. (Again, the opinions of this blogger do not reflect the opinions of this blog as a whole) [Ed. note: In this case, yeah they do.]
Sadly, she does buy it. Hook, line and sinker.They decide to spend time in the fantasy suite. They kiss again. 3. #snoozefest
She trusts and believes him. They kiss again. And again, and again. Lets call it an even 6. She’s so in love. The music swells. This blogger goes to get another shot of bourbon and a pint of Haagen Dazs.
BREAKFAST IN BED
She’s in love with him. They sit in bed together and make out, over and over and over. That’s 7. They kiss goodbye. 8. 9. OY. This blogger is So. Not. Into. It.
Is it just lust?
He does have a fine bod. But that’s about all this blogger can see in him.
DATE 2: JORDAN
Jordan, like Robbie, is also totally in love with her. They kiss hello, just a peck. Then they go on a hike, a challenging one. With stairs.
He loves who he is when he’s with her. He loves who she is, how she rolls with the punches.
They wind up in a temple inside a cave. Temples are sacred so there’s no kissing. “It’s gonna be hard,” she says, “because we have such an intense connection… I can’t control myself around him. It’s really hard not to be all over each other.”
So there would be a lot more, but they’re getting to know each other instead. After all, they may soon get married, so it’s wise to see if they can really talk.
They have deep chat. It’s fine. This blogger is grumpy because she misses Luke. She is sorry but is now suddenly wildly uninterested in this show and in any of her other choices. Except Chase, who is a decent second to Luke.
*kindly refer to the photo of Luke shirtless among the cattails and tell me why oh why this gentleman was given the boot.
Jordan and Jojo talk about the possibility of marriage, and what the next year could be like. He says he doesn’t know. That scares her. Jojo is worried about him leaving repeatedly, about being in a long distance relationship. She has some deeply legit concerns about him. I’m fascinated that Jordan is one of the final ones.
“How do you know?” she asks. “How do you know it’s forever?”
“I have a feeling I’ve never had with anyone else before,” he says meaningfully. “When I imagine getting married… it’s you.”
“That makes me happy,” she says, crying. “Come here and kiss me.”
He’s answered correctly, and earns kiss number 10. She hands him the key to the fantasy suite. They kiss again. That’s 11. This blogger doesn’t buy this relationship either. But we do buy this more than the other one. Not that the bar is set all that high. [This editor thinks Jordan is faker than Robby, and that neither of these two is in it for the long haul. #TeamLuke #NeverForget]
Jojo confesses that she’s in love with him as well. They kiss again, in the suite. That’s 12.
“I feel so happy,” she tells us. #blech
THE NEXT MORNING
They eat pancakes. And hang out. “We took a big step together last night,” he tells us. “What did you think of last night?” she asks him. “It was exactly everything I needed,” He says with a naughty smile. One can only imagine sex that was off the charts. They make out. That’s 12. Then he walks her to the door and they kiss goodbye for a while. 13.
She’s in love with two men at the same time. Now she understands how Ben got there last season…she’s in the same place. And depending on how it goes with Chase…it may wind up to be three.
CHASE ME, BABY
Chase and Jojo are having a beautiful time, with fish, and playfulness and monkeys. They’re playful, and kissing in the market. That’s 14.
Robbie drops by her room MID DATE with Chase to tell her that he loves her, and he’s thinking of her and he’s ready to get down on one knee. Kind of inappropriate to horn in on another guy’s date…right?? But hey! I guess he really needed to tell her he loves her. After all, WE HAVEN’T HEARD THAT ONE YET.
Chase and Jojo out for a beautiful meal. She’s in a stunning dress that hangs off the shoulders, purple and blue toned. He’s dashing in white. She may be falling in love with a third man. Gosh, this blogger hopes so!!! Chase is the real deal. “I can see the man you deserve, and I want to be that man,” he says. They kiss. Number 15. “And I want to smear that lipstick.” #hotasrocks
They choose the fantasy suite. Why on earth wouldn’t they? They kiss. That’s 16.
“After today I’m not scared,” he says, brandishing his courage, “and I want you to know that I’m 100% in love with you. I know the burden that phrase carries and I’m ready to carry that… I’m ready to carry that for you.”
She confesses to us that she’s not feeling the way she wants to feel. This blogger wants to DIE. BLECH if we are left with Robbie and Jordan.
She’s filled with doubt, and she leaves the suite to get some air. “I hate this,” she tells us. “I feel sick to my stomach.” She weeps. “I don’t want to hurt him,” she cries. “I wanted to fall in love with him.” BLECH.
Shot of a full moon. The ocean. Chase sitting alone waiting for her.
She re-enters, sits down. “When you said that to me… in my heart and in my gut… I don’t think I felt what I thought I was going to feel, and I don’t know if I’m in the same place as you.” He puts his glass down. “I don’t know if spending this night together would change this feeling and I don’t know if this is fair. I don’t know if this is making sense right now.”
“I get the point,” he says, finishing his champagne. “I just jumped over a hurdle I’ve never jumped over and now I’m shattered. Is this what love is?”
“You never gave it a chance.”
“I’m trying not to let what happened to me happen to you.”
“You just did all that,” he says, condemning her.
She weeps. He looks well and truly pissed. “I want you to know,” she stutters, “you are everything I could have wanted…”
“It’s so hard to hear that,” he says. “Then why doesn’t it work?”
“I didn’t mean to do this,” she weeps further. [Ed. note: Should we just set up a macro for “JoJo weeps” ?]
He walks away. She runs after him. “I can’t have you walk away thinking that this is what I meant to do.”
“How can I not?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do this! I wanted to fall in love with you, I wanted to see that forever future with you.”
“I saw it.”
He gets into the car, opening a beer. “Oh, is this my fantasy suite?” he asks bitterly. “I got the fantasy suite card, then got sent home. It’s like pulling my pants down and kicking me in the nuts. And all because I said I love you. Why did I say that? I’m embarrassed. And I’m heartbroken.”
I do have to say I dig Chase but am not such a fan of his bitterness right now.
[Ed. note: Put “man tears” into Giphy to find something suitable and LITERALLY this is the first GIF that came up.]
Chris chats with Jordan. He’s confident and ready.
He chats with Robbie. Robbie is ecstatic and totally in love.
Jojo arrives. She’s clear and confident. “How hard was that breakup for you?” asks Chris, regarding Chase.
“It was by far the hardest thing I had to do.”
She’s in love with both Jordan and Robbie, but doesn’t know who that “forever love” is going to be with.
“I sent Chase home,” she tells the men, roses on a pedestal next to her, and is in the midst of explaining why when… YES… Chase comes back. “May I talk to you for a moment?” he asks.
Now Jordan and Robbie are really confused. We cut to a commercial. BRAVO.
BACK TO THE DRAMA
“I care too much to let our relationship end the way it did,” Chase says, taking her hand. “There was so much I wanted to say, but I resorted to anger. I’m not here for a second chance. I’m here to say I’m proud of you, I admire you.”
What a sweet conversation.
“I know why you’re here and I think you deserve something great,” he says genuinely. “If it happens down the road…my heart is still open to you.”
They embrace, and he walks away. She weeps again. “The fact of the matter is I still have feelings for him,” she tells us. “Why didn’t I fall in love with him? It’s just hard seeing him again. It’s sad.”
She goes back to Jordan and Robbie, thrilled to have chosen these two men. Thrilled to be able to introduce them to her family. This blogger is not sold on either and is grumpy about it.
“it makes me a little sick to my stomach knowing that I feel so strongly about both of them,” she tells us.
Then they all toast with champagne.
End shot on a monkey scratching its head, and an ocean. Perfect metaphor #Bachelor producers!
And WOW does the finale look like another work of genius. WOW with a side of WOW.
Kisses this episode: 15
Kisses since episode 2: 81
THE MEN TELL ALL: highlights
This is a general “greatest hits” of the men tell all which, while entertaining, is not quite as blogworthy as the show itself. In this humble blogger’s opinion, anyway. (note: the opinions of this blogger do not reflect the opinions of this blog as a whole). [Ed. note: The blog as a whole skipped MTA, so are happy to have no opinion on the proceedings.]
We start with introductions and a lot of applause. Then we have a bit of a retrospective.
Alex has a Napoleon complex.
Daniel thinks all the guys are insecure and fell in love with Jojo too soon.
The title of this could be “Who is The Most Insecure Little Bitch.” And everything is about Chad.
Chad is clearly beloved by the fans. He is his cocky self. Apparently Chad has dated both Grant’s and Robbie’s ex girlfriends. #douchetastic
It nearly comes to blows. Nick threatens to beat Chad up. [Ed.note: There was a Nick?] It’s a testosterone fest. And there’s a TON of old fashioned cussing! Lotsa censor beeps:)
It is, basically, a CHADsplosion. Well done, Chad. You’ve made yourself completely indispensable.
Luke gets up to speak to #iheartchrisharrison. It’s a beautiful conversation. What a gentleman! “I guess I’m an old fashioned romantic,” he says. SWOON WORTHY!!!
“I’m ready to fall in love,” he says. He’s told us he’s still single. The audience is weeping. We’re all in love with him. Next #Bachelor, perhaps?!?!
Chase gets up to talk to Chris, to the great applause of the studio audience.
He tells us he was blindsided. He’s still heartbroken. Yet another well spoken, beautiful man she did not choose. MASSIVE MISTAKE.
Jojo comes on to a standing ovation from the men. Speaks very eloquently. Chris asks her about Luke. Luke asks if he had been more direct about how much he loved her earlier, would it have made a difference? She says on their last date he never said the words “I love you,” and that she needed that to feel safe. “Thank you for allowing me to love you, allowing me to love again,” he says. #CRUSHINGIT #inlovewithhim #mistakemistakemistake
Chase comes to join her in the hot seat. “If you didn’t feel the love I felt, why did you give me the fantasy suite card?”
They talk for a while. He also is ever the gentleman.
James T. speaks. Cutie. HEARTTHROB. Very genuine.
Then Chad speaks. What a #douchebag. He slams Robbie and Jordan. Jojo says, “This is what he wants. He loves the attention. He’s not even worth my breath.” This gets a standing ovation from the guys.
Alex apologizes for not being able to be a gentleman at the end. He says he admires her for knowing what she wanted. Camera repeatedly cuts to Chad, looking like the cat who swallowed the cream when the men describe their pain.
She and Derek patch things up. Vinny the barber has grown a full beard and actually looks hotter than he did on the show. Vinny’s mother is in the house and provides the high point of this episode: an amazing testimonial from a Jersey Mom. “He was my best friend in the house,” Jojo tells his mom. “He’s still single!” Mom shouts to us all. #adorbs
We’ll end on that note. More from the #Bachelorette blogosphere next week!