Author Gabra Zackman returns to recap the most important cultural program of our time, The Bachelorette! Will JoJo find love, or is it possible that a six-week reality show isn’t actually the most effective way to select a life mate?


 

LEAVING BUENOS AIRES

All the guys are still shell shocked after the former rose ceremony—you may need to refresh with our blog from two weeks ago. Basically, Alex and James both got a last minute reprieve, and it caused a bunch of testosterone-coated angst.

This week promises three one on ones and a group date. No eliminations on the group dates (ie, no roses) but there will be a rose for the group date.

They’re headed to the Argentine countryside.

 

FIRST ONE ON ONE: GOOCHIE GOOCHIE GOO

Goes to Alex. From Chase: “Dude, Relax, stop bitching! You got a one on one.” We gather Alex has been harping on this a bit.

Jojo is excited to see him on a one on one, the only guy currently in the house who hasn’t had one yet. They get in a fancy car and sit closely together, while the rest of the guys wind up on a bus that looks like a carousel.

Alex and Jojo are goofing around like high school kids. “At this point I’m having a hard time connecting romantically,” she tells us in private.

Cut to the guys on the bus rapping. Hm. Leaves something to be desired. But ok, why not. They’re a little more New Kids on the Block than Eminem, but whatevs.

New Kids on the Block

The guys are having fun, wanting to be with Jojo. Alex and Jojo are kinda… bored. She’s yawning, looks bored to tears.

They go to a farm to be Argentinian “gauchos” or “farmers.”

They’re in “gaucho” attire, Jojo’s outfit looking a lot more like an amazing 60’s hippie chick than a farm girl, Alex looking like a Renaissance painter.

Back to the guys. They’ve made a roadside stop and are eating strange barbecued meat. They chat about Alex’s chances while eating parts of meat that a local dog refused. #nasty

Jojo and Alex get on horses. “Try to connect with the land and with the heart,” the younger gaucho tells them in a fabulous accent, “that’s what a gaucho is all about.” I don’t know about you, but I’d take him instead.

They watch a gaucho “whisper” his horse into submission. It is quite intense to watch… when Jojo says the phrase “watching him stroke his horse” with a misty look in her eyes, it does give one room for pause. Then Jojo and Alex are invited to recline upon the horse’s neck and share some tenderness of their own. They lie upon the horse and make out over him. “I’m your Goocho,” Alex says. “Gaucho,” Jojo says, laughing.

Alex and Jojo with Horse
“Get a room, people,” thinks the poor horse.

They make out again later, as the sun sets. That’s kisses 1 and 2.

 

DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA

The guys wind up at a FABULOUS resort/ golf course. They are thrilled with their accommodations, and are excited for what’s to come.

Meanwhile, Alex and Jojo are now dressed in casual evening attire – they have a drink and break it down. Once again, they’re in a beautiful setting with amazing-looking food on plates that remain untouched. I always adore this ritual. I wonder when they eat, and if the food is real. [Ed. note: Check out IT’S NOT OKAY by Andi Dorfman for the answer to this question!]

They make out again. That’s kiss number 3.

Back to the resort. The guys eagerly await the next card. It goes to Jordan. The rest of the guys seem pissed, Jordan is elated.

Over fake dinner, Jojo and Alex talk about his family, him bringing her home and what that would be like. He opens up to her: “I’m stumbling over my words but I need you to know that I’m falling in love with you. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you.”

Jojo has the strangest series of reactions. “I don’t know what to think of it,” she tells us in private.

“When you tell me that you’re falling in love with me, I just don’t feel as excited as I should feel,” she says to him. “I feel like I should be so excited about this, but … in my heart, I don’t think that I will get to that point.”

He looks blindsided. “It definitely sucks that you can’t see that being something you’d want.”

She’s very elegant. He looks crazy hurt and way pissed. “Can I walk you out?” she says. “Sure,” he says angrily.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” she tells us. “I felt like sending him home tonight was giving him the utmost respect, not making him wait. But I don’t think he sees it this way.”

No, clearly not.

“I had the best time with him today,” she says, weeping. “But my final memory is of him not being able to look me in the eye? That’s not how to say good bye to him…I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

There’s no footage of Alex in the car out—this makes me think things didn’t go so well.

 

SECOND ONE ON ONE: FOOT FETISH

Jordan meets Jojo on the tarmac. They’re taking a private jet to Mendoza to taste wine. RAD DATE. This is every fantasy of mine! They make their way to the middle of a vineyard, Andes Mountains in the background.

They stamp on grapes together, then scoop the juice out and drink it out of wine glasses. [Ed. note: Foot wine? Ew.]

jojo and jordan with grapes

Back at the ranch, Luke and Chase chat. They look like the same person. [Ed. note: ALL these guys look like the same person!]

Cut to Jojo and Jordan making out. That’s number 4.

All the guys sitting on the couch. They seem to be looking more and more alike, the way couples apparently do after many years of marriage.

Jordan and Jojo having dinner. They toast. I love, so much, the dinner plates that remain untouched. Do they eat after they stop filming?

Jordan talks about his family. He’s close to his oldest brother, but not to his famous middle brother. They don’t talk at all.

“No matter what, I’ve never been good enough. I’m defined by the character I have, by humility taught by my parents. The word entitlement rubbed me the wrong way.   My confidence is nothing other than what my parents have taught me.”

“I trust you,” she says, “thank you for telling me that.”

“I am so in love with you,” he says. “Today I was fighting it at times, but it’s so real.”

“That makes me so happy,” she says, grabbing his face. “You know that?” They kiss. A hot juicy number five. They walk, and kiss again. Number 6.

 

GROUP DATE: ROOM PARTY

Jojo and three boys having a slumber party. She’s with James, Robbie and Chase and a whole bunch of greasy food. James says he can shove all the fries in his mouth at the same time. She challenges him to do it.

She makes them do a whole bunch of games starting with a massage train, then charades, then truth or dare.

Jojo dares Robbie to strip down to his underwear and run through the hotel. He runs through the hall, moons them, high fives them all. “My grandma is going to hate to see this,” he says, a bit drunk. “Sorry Mimaw!”

Robbie shows some skin

All the guys seem a bit toasted and are acting a bit douchey.

They all wind up in bed together watching the Brazilian Bachelor on TV. James keeps saying that Robbie has a wandering eye. It’s getting a bit too much and Robbie is getting pissed off.

 

PRIVATE TIME

Robbie and Jojo have private time. They talk about his family and about his ex. “My priority right now is my love for you. My ex… I had dated her for 3 years and I’d never seen her house. I’d met her mom once.”

“Do you feel like you’ve actually moved on?” Jojo asks with concern. “You dated her for almost four years…I want to be engaged at the end of this. Are you ready for that?”

“I can’t tell you how ready I am.”

Then she has time alone with Chase.   “I want to make sure we’ll both be ready for this.”

“I’m 100 percent ready to take you home. Because I’m ready to spend my life with you.” They make out. Number 7. She’s very impressed with how he’s opening up around her.

She and James chat. Oh he’s so sweet! “I think we have something very sweet,” he says, “but I think you have more physical stuff with other guys.”

“You have every quality I would want in a husband and the father of my children,” she says, smiling at him.

“I think more than anything with my family, you’ll feel love.”

They share a kiss. That’s number 8.

 

EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN

James, Chase and Robbie sit around talking about “front runners”. It gets very petty and aggressive. Jojo enters. There’s a rose on the table, and she’s ready to hand it out. “This is to somebody who I know right now I want to meet their family and I’m ready to do that.”

Rose goes… to Robbie! He would not have been my choice, but that’s why I’m not on the show. Robbie gets to spend more time with her, the other two leave in distress.

Jojo and Robbie make out. Number 9. They cut back and forth between Jojo and Robbie hand in hand and the other two guys in the car on the way home. Robbie and Jojo make out again, lightning flashes in the background. Number 10.

 

THIRD ONE ON ONE: REAL MEN COME FROM TEXAS

Luke and Jojo on a ranch.

“Luke is the total package,” she tells us.

He tells her about the first time he broke a horse. He’s in his element here.

“I feel like I’m back in Texas,” he says, “on my family’s ranch.” They do skeet shooting. Luke hits every one. “He’s a man,” she says. Yes. Really. #turnon

They do make a pretty pair. Suddenly this is old-fashioned Americana, and our couple has come home to roost.

I have to say, Luke is my favorite. He’s totally genuine. I dig him. He’s able to talk about his feelings without seeming like a douchebag. Admirable quality. #teamluke

They share a kiss. That’s 11.

“Are you happy?” he asks her between kisses.

“You make me happy,” she replies.

 

ROSE CEREMONY: RED WEDDING STYLE

She says she’s going into this last week with a lot of clarity. She says she doesn’t need a cocktail party…she’s ready. James is panicking.

The guys are lined up, in their Sunday best. They’re ready. James and Chase are the most anxious, fearing one of them will be sent home.

Robbie already has a rose. Luke gets one. Jordan gets one. It’s down to James and Chase.

Rose to Chase. Oh no!! James, the sensitive one, eyes downcast makes his way out. I think I heard Luke say, as he hugged him, “love you man.” Really the sweetest guy ever.

He’s crying, but she’s crying more. “You deserve a great girl,” she says between tears.

“I get that a lot,” he says.   “I wonder when it’s going to be my time. Thank you for being so good to me. It was too short.”

HEART. BREAKER. This is really the SWEETEST guy who ever lived. They can’t stop hugging. Finally, she lets him go, then sits on a bench to weep.

 

Next week: HOMETOWNS. It promises to be a series of upsets. #goodtimes

KISS METER

Total this episode:💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋(11)

Total since episode 2:💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💋 (51)