Bachelorette Recap: The Chad Always Rings Twice

AAAAND…. WE’RE BACK!

The gents are toasting. Chad is gone. OR SO THEY THINK.

They’re having a mock funeral… spreading his protein powder ashes!!! HAHAHAHAH

But wait… Chad is walking through the woods towards them.

Wells, spreading protein ashes: “Farewell Sweet Prince.” Bonus stars for a Hamlet quote. #educationworks

Chad knocks on the front door. The gents are confused.

Evan: “I hope Chad’s not back for his protein powder.”

The reaction shots on the guys faces as Chad explains himself and his douchy behavior is simply THRILLING.

Time for a spontaneous powwow! All the boys in a circle, drinking and eating late night bowls of cereal. Bonus points to Jordan, our former football player… calm, cool and collected in the face of Chad’s burning testosterone.

Evan brings up the shirt again and how Chad owes him money. Really?!?!?

Then Chad leaves. That’s it? Hm.

BACK TO THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Alex and Jojo are at the end of their private time in their cabin in the woods. He comes back to the house a hero, a white knight, and they put a cake in his face in triumph. Is this a thing with the fraternity set? #beerpong

NOW THEY ALL BECOME CHAD

All is quiet on the western front. They’re playing games, spending some sexy alone time in various fantasy spots around the woodsy resort house.

Robby, a former competitive swimmer, puts the moves on strong, kissing Jojo in front of all the guys, by a fountain in front of a bank of windows. Now all the guys are nervous, cagey.

Poetry reading by James F. I didn’t know his name before this night. She is so moved. What a sweetheart she is for indulging him. Really.

Now everyone is pouncing…they all want her time and are becoming deeply aggressive.

Luke, our war vet, is so lovely, but his hair has a strange life of its own. “I’m falling for you,” he tells her. Every part of him, except his hair.

They share a lovely kiss. That’s number 2.

Jordan with the hot kiss right behind the wall where the guys are!!! YES. This is a marvelous shot. Even though he has a rose, he is GOING FOR BROKE. That’s 3.

I’m fascinated her lipstick is still on. Well done, Bachelor makeup team!

ROSE CEREMONY

I find I’m surprised that “Vinny the Barber” is still around. Interesting.

On the cutting room floor: Daniel, the drunken Canuck we came to accept as only mildly insulting and James F. Guess the poem didn’t quite do it for her.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT

Daniel: “I have a better chance of being struck by lightning while… shaving my face.”

Really.

Back to our heroes. They’re off to Punta del Este, Uruguay! The name sounds dirty, but the guys sound psyched.

THE GRAND HOTEL

The remaining 11 boys are staying in a SWEET suite at The Grand Hotel.. Beach view, floor to ceiling windows. Stunning.

One on one to Jordan. The boys are really disappointed. And theyre not happy…. Grant and Alex don’t like him. The other boys seem skeptical. He’s only had group dates but he’s a clear front runner. They all think he’s not here for the right reasons.

ONE ON ONE NUMBAH ONE

Jordan and Jojo in paradise. Meanwhile, Vinny cuts everyone’s hair (is that why he’s still around???) And they’re reading gossip mags about Jojo and her ex boyfriend sneaking around while the Bachelor was being shot.Jojo in the Gossip Mags

Jordan and Jojo spent the day playing with seals. Now they’re having dinner. They’re kissing a TON. Let’s just call this number 4.

Jojo takes him TO TASK. She’s met a girl who dated Jordan and says he wasn’t the best boyfriend. So she questions him. He doesn’t look happy about it.

He explains his former immaturity away, he was too involved with football, he wasn’t ready then but he’s ready now. They break it down. He aces it. They kiss again. I’m going to give us the gift of calling this number 5.

Jojo’s dress… a white number that shows a bit of her waist and most of her breasts is simply VA VA VOOMY.

A carnival. Jordan should never dance. Ever. But they make out again.

Sorry guys. But that has to be 6.

BACK AT THE RANCH

Jordan tells the guys about the date. Jojo says, “I feel so happy. I don’t think anything could take this away.” And then a producer hands her the trashy magazine and tells her that the guys have seen it. While the guys are hashing it out, Jojo is having a full on breakdown. Jojo Crying

And boy does she cuss! Marvelous. Well done, Bachelor producers. I hope someone got a Prada handbag for that footage. (see this article posted in last week’s roundup)

Jojo goes to talk to the guys. It is, by the by, THRILLING that her ex’s name is also Chad. Coincidence or invention? You be the judge!

Weeping, she goes to talk to the guys about it. It is a full on tearjerky confession of her authentic feelings for them. The guys are surprisingly bad at comforting her, though have seemingly instantly agreed upon her authenticity.

SPA DAY

The guys having spa treatments and talking over everything. Jordan eating the cucumbers off his eyes. Jojo spent the night crying. She still looks great. #aggravating

GROUP DATE

SAND SURFING. Don’t know what this is, but I want to do that RIGHT NOW. It looks fun, but they’re getting crazy competitive.

Evening cocktails. Time for serious chat. Luke, his hair slightly better behaved tells her his full feelings. A deep kiss. Number 7.

Derek breaks it down. He has feelings but was jealous during the group date. He’s very genuine. Kiss 8 for the win! Though I was initially nonplussed, he’s won me over. But Alex talks shit about him. The claws are out with the boys.

When Alex talks it looks like she hates him. And it is really delightful.

But she kisses him! That’s 9, folks!

Rose to Derek. From Alex: “He’s an insecure little bitch. I don’t want the pity rose.” OOOOH these boys can act like petty little girls!!! YAAAAAYYYY!!!!

SECOND ONE ON ONE

Goes to Robby! They play on the beach with a dog. Then they paint the town red. He’s attractive and just a bit too slick. I wasn’t into him until I found this picture of his crazy ripped body wearing only tighty whities. #yum

Robby UndressedThe boys hash it out. They talk about roses. They talk about Derek, and how he got a rose. Really?

Kiss 10. Robby and Jojo by the water. He convinces her to jump off a cliff with him.

He pulls off her shirt revealing a fuscia bikini that leaves little to the imagination. He’s a competitive swimmer but has terrible taste in swim trunks. Really? Flourescent yellow chiquita banana shorts?

Dramatic music. Another kiss in the water. That’s 11.

Is it just me, or are there monumentally more kisses in this season? I hope no one gets a cold sore, or the flu. Or maybe I do:)

Robby and Jojo at dinner. They chat in front of plates they’re clearly not eating off of. He tells her of the death of one of his best friends, and his desire to build a life with someone. He tells her he’s fallen in love with her. That wins us kiss 12. It shocked her, she tells us later, that he’s been so open.

He gets the rose. Kiss 13 starts a full fireworks display. Thrilled one of the earlier ones didn’t set off a premature e-crackulation.

ROSE CEREMONY

The boys, in suits, in the rain. Tensions are mounting. Derek wants to talk to Robby, Chase, Alex and Jordan. He accuses them of being a clique. Jordan says it’s petty and a non-issue. The timing is off. It’s right before the cocktail party and it has deeply offended them. “Bad timing, bro,” says Chase. They all sit around a couch together and discuss it. They’re all nervous about getting time with Jojo.

But whoa! No cocktail party. And not only that… but three are going home tonight. A pallor is cast over the boys.

The ceremony begins. Jojo’s outfit! Vibrant forest green, a long slit up the leg, and peekaboo holes on the waist! Dressed to kill!!

On the cutting room floor (pun intended): Vinny, the barber, quite a sweetheart, openly weeping; Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist, crying like a little girl (but free of a nosebleed); Grant, firefighter, also crying but still somehow deeply manly. He gets my humble bonus designation of #hotasrocks.

Jojo and the gents are off to Buenos Aires next. And I have to say…the previews of the upcoming episodes are TANTALIZING. Till then…

KISS METER

This episode:  💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋 (13)

Total since Episode 2: 💖💖💖💖💖💋💋💋💋 (29)

YEE HAW!

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