The Bachelorette Recap: Jocks, Rocks & Cocks

Author Gabra Zackman returns to recap the most important cultural program of our time, The Bachelorette! Will JoJo find love, or is it possible that a six-week reality show isn’t actually the most effective way to select a life mate?

PROLOGUE:

“It’s almost like a bad dream.”  Shakespeare, or The Bachelorette Week 4?  So begins this week’s DOUBLE episode, strewn across two days, featuring Chad, his roid rage and a house of boys on the edge.

The house is a mess, in shards from last night’s cocktail party.  Chad’s meat plates lie scattered everywhere, and through the screen one can almost smell the scent of testosterone laced with fear.  Thus begins a consistent background image: Chad and Daniel, the formerly drunk Canuck, weightlifting, counting calories, and drinking protein shakes.  It is “a bromance for the ages.” [Ed. note: The #Brochelorette?]

One of my fave images: Chris Harrison cleaning off the toilet papered trees from last night’s party.  #iheartchrisharrison

 

FIRST DATE CARD:

Yim YamGoes to Chase.  Hot sweet guy who didn’t get a date last time. And what a date this is!  They’re doing yoga…an “intimate journey”.  This is amazing.  It’s unlike any yoga that I’ve ever done—in fact, it’s a lot closer to “tremoring exercises” from my grad school acting classes—but clearly I’ve been going to the wrong studios.  They are taught to have an “angergasm” and basically freak out on the mat.  This leads to the “deep partner work” of Jojo basically mounting Chase and them sharing their first kiss.  That’s kiss 1 of the week!  The camera pans back to show them alone, still entwined, kissing on the floor of the yoga studio.  Again, methinks I got my teaching certificate from the wrong joint.

 

MEANWHILE…

Back at the house the guys are talking about Chad and Daniel.  There is a brilliant editorial overlay of them pumping and the sounds of lifting, groaning and heat. #roidfest

 

YIM YAMMING AWAY:

The intimate yoga exercise was called something like “yim yamming.” [Ed. note: I am not OK with this.]  They continue Yim Yamming by an intimate convo later that day.  Chase opens up about his parents divorce and his fear of intimacy.  He’s a sweetheart and gets the rose.  Special treat:  a private concert given by Charles Kelley.  I adore the private concerts!! They are always so well done and just a touch awkward.

 

GROUP DATE:

This is a truly fun group date, set up brilliantly by Chad’s hostile reaction to being out on a group date.  “Y’all go do your thing, I’d rather get a one on one later.”  There’s fantastic fallout.  The guys are clearly miffed.

Amazing date! Bravo Bachelor producers for this!  They go to a show called “Sunday Night Sex Talks” where a group of comediennes tell stories about their sex lives. Then, yes, it turns out that the boys are the stars and have to tell some sex stories of their own.

Enter the foil for our villain:  Evan, erectile dysfunction specialist, decides to take Chad down (cue multiple bawdy puns).  He talks a bunch, in his story, about the effect of steroids on sex drive, and clearly pisses Chad off.  Meanwhile he’s now the hero for the other guys.  On his way back to his seat, Chad pushes Evan and rips his shirt.  Jojo notices the altercation, as do all the guys.

Chad goes to do his “story” which turns out to be a cop out. He doesn’t want to talk about his past, he wants to talk about his “future” he says, and leans in for a kiss with Jojo.  She turns her cheek on him onstage in front of everyone and the guys go wild.  For a moment, the bully is taken down.

By the time we get back home, Chad is ROIDED OUT.  Everyone is trying to calm him down, including Daniel.  At the cocktail party, it is an essay in ROID RAGE. [Ed. note: Maybe throw him some more lunch meat?]

Kiss 2 goes to Jordan, a sexy former quarterback.  “I need to feel safe,” Jojo tells him.  This party is occurring on a great set, a western-feeling palace.  It’s Evan v Chad and it’s delightful fun.  Chad is getting more and more drunk, prowling around and making fun of all the guys.  But sometimes I wonder, is Evan any better?  He’s clearly getting revenge on all the guys who ever bullied him, as are our FAB editors.  Props to the sound guy for the constant overlay of Chad grunting and lifting.

Great caught moment of Chad: “Oh hey buddy!” he says, catching himself in the mirror.

Evan gives Jojo an ultimatum:  “It’s me or him,” he says.  This confuses her, but ultimately, or ultimatumly, she awards him a rose and a kiss (that’s number 3) but doesn’t make any promises about getting rid of Chad.  “Love is worth getting shoved in the face for,” he says.

 

They all sit together post-rose.  Chad looks startled.  “You’re vibing on this guy?” he asks, pissing her off.

Later on. Shot of Chad sleeping, Derek scared to be sleeping in the same room as him.  Pan back to see a security guard, now employed to watch over Chad.  Fantastic.  They should always do this.  There should always be a bully.

Watch You

ONE ON ONE:

James and Jojo on an old-school date, kicking it 40’s style.  They take swing dancing lessons, then wind up swing dancing in a cobblestoned plaza, surrounded by a bunch of dancers in 40s style costumes.  Very fun.

Cut back to Chad and Daniel talking, and one of my very fave quotes from any season:  “Maybe be less like Hitler,” Daniel says, “and more like Mussolini.”  Where I come from, we call that “a lateral move.” [Ed. note: It’s good to have a five-year plan?]

 

 

End of the one on one.  James and Jojo, in an old-school convertible sitting on top of the seats, moon overhead.  But do they have chemistry?  He talks about his kid fears, gets a rose, plays a beautiful ballad.  That’s kiss 4.  A lovely kiss, but the camera gets a bit too close and it feels, for a moment, like an anatomy class.

 

BACK TO THE BOYS:

Grunting

via Kristen Baldwin

God bless the sound guy, and all the editors.  In my mind’s eye, they’ve all been bullied, and this is their revenge.  Throughout we have the sounds of Chad grunting.  So. Good!  There’s no cocktail party, but an all day pool party instead.  Chad is eating throughout.  Evan follows Chris Harrison out to tell him about Chad, and CH has a private talk with Chad about his behavior, basically telling him to play nice or he’ll have to leave (#iheartchrisharrison).  On his way back into the guys, Chad basically tells us, in a voice over, that he’s gonna fuck them up.

End of Part 1. (Can you believe we’re only halfway through this thing?)

 

Jojo Bachelorette

Part 2

WHEN WE RETURN:

Chad breaks it down with the guys.  It’s a paltry apology but turns into a strange altercation between him and Evan where Evan still wants “a new shirt and an apology.”  Wells intervenes as diplomat.  They all come to some kind of peace.

 

POOL PARTY:

All’s going well…till they execute a group dive and Evan winds up with a bloody nose. [Ed. note: Since when did #TheBachelorette become a contact sport?]

Kiss 5! … private time with Jordan.  Easy intimacy.  She’s a bit thrown by him and her feelings for him.  Sexy connection.

She chats with Chad—he tries to explain himself to Jojo—and he’s interrupted by Evan.  “This feels like middle school,” Chad says.  Things are heating up.  Everyone is talking about Chad.  Derek tells her he had to move bedrooms to be away from Chad, and lets her know there’s a security guard watching over him.  Chad overhears all of it.  Chad is ROIDING UP.  “It’s game time,” he says.  Chad pulls Derek aside.  Looks like Derek is as big as Chad and ready to take him on.  “Perception is reality, Chad,” he says.  This is a lovely conversation.  I’m into Derek now.  We pan away to the pool, and the scattered blow-up flamingos tossed, like broken toys, in the now still waters. [#SaveTheFlamingos #PinkLivesMatter]

Ready to Flamingle

ROSE CEREMONY:

Tensions are running high.  Jojo is in a FAB two piece sparkly number that only her body could pull off.  Chad gets the final rose.  The guys are PISSED. Christian, Ali and Nick go home. They are all amazing guys.  (This blogger was particularly hot for Christian).  But thank GOD Chad is still around.  He is our star.

 

OFF TO PENNSYLVANIA:

They’re off to a resort in PA.  The guys are in the backwoods, at a fab lodge. [Ed. note: The Nemacolin Resort is WORKING their Bachelorette connection. Props to their webmaster.]

 

ONE ON ONE:

Goes to Luke!  Hot army vet, sweetheart, he has “butterflies” in anticipation.  They start by a romantic ride on a dog sled being pulled by what looks like wolves.  Rad.  It’s a bit chilly, so when they wind up in the midst of the woods at a wood fire tub, Luke is asked to chop wood and then strip down.  Perfect.  “Let’s be honest, I just want to see Luke take his shirt off,” says Jojo with a smile.

The hot tub is a bit too hot at first, then cools down.  They have deep conversation, drinking champagne.

 

THE GUYS BREAK IT DOWN:

They’re having chat about what’s to come.  Chad’s alone by the pool.  “It’s not a wise decision to poke the Chad bear,” he says, and we cut to the image of a bear walking in the woods.  Another point to the editorial team, our band of tech geeks who are getting their revenge on all the bullies of the world.

LATER THAT NIGHT:

Luke and Jojo have an intimate dinner at The Supper Club.  Luke talks about playing football, going to West Point, then being a platoon leader.  This guy is fiercely smart, brave, how he talks about deployment and a friend he lost is quite beautiful.  I’m sold on this one.  “Emotion is not positive in that environment.  I had to learn to be emotional again.”  This guy.  Wow.  Truly authentic.  They share a deep kiss, yes that’s number 6, as well as a few tears.  Props to Jojo, too. She is wildly genuine, open, interested.  Great contestant.

But there’s more! They walk through a cheering crowd to stand on the stage and make out to a stirring concert by Dan and Shay.  This is wildly cheesy, but charming all the same.  “I don’t want tonight to end,” she says.  “Me either,” he replies, kissing her again.

 

GROUP DATE:

Football o-rama!  Big Ben Roethlisberger, along with two other legends, is going to lead them through a bunch of competitive drills.

She’s breaking it down with Ben according to what she thinks of the guys.  These football players are so sweet! [Ed. note–I’ll just leave this here: Wiki  “Our wives have viewing parties,” one of them says, “we’re here for Jojo.”

Now it gets really competitive, quick.  They are getting really aggressive.  James, our sweet singer, winds up with blood on his face and a bandage around his head.  Time to play.  The winners get to go on a date with Jojo, and the losers will go home.

 

AT THE HOUSE:

The two-on-one will wind up being Alex and Chad, the short pumped Marine vs the roided-out douchebag.  Luke sits between them, and the three of them break it down.  Chad continues to be an asshole, Alex and Luke grimace through the chat.

 

GAME ON:

Jordan is quarterback for both teams—not sure how this is possible, but he’s rocking it.  The guys are pumped and ready for action.  Evan, one of the smaller ones, gets yet another nosebleed. [Ed. note: What is this guy, a lost Habsburg cousin or something?]

Things are tied up with one minute left.  Blue team: Derek takes the ball and runs with it, scoring the final touchdown.  They’ve pulled out all stops.  The white team is depressed and pissed.

Cocktail party.  Robbie on the pool table for kiss number 7.  Very sexy tumble on the table.  Another kiss with James.  That’s 8.

She breaks it down again with Jordan.  She can’t read him, he’s not being as vocal as she would like. She’s still questioning.  He’s taking his time.  They walk to a lovely fountain. Silhouetted, he opens himself up and says, “I’m falling for you.”  She’s thrilled he’s opening up, and they share kiss number 9.  Rose to Jordan.

TWO ON ONE:

Great convo with all the guys, cozy on the couch.  Alex and Chad going head to head.  “You’re a whiny little bitch,” Chad says.  “You’re a coward,” they all reply.   Chad threatens more, then exits.  Watching them all, squeezed together on the couch talking about Chad in their “loungewear” is truly one of life’s great pleasures.

Chad openly threatening all the guys.  Says to Jordan, “you think this is just a show, but when it ends you think I can’t come to your house and find you?”

“Try it, tough guy,” he responds.

Again, all the guys are chilling on the couch talking about Chad.  Chad walks in and they all quiet down.  The silence is simply marvelous.

“May the best man win,” they say to Alex, praying he’ll get the rose and that they no longer have to deal with Chad.

“Let this be the end of the Chad Saga,” Wells says to the camera.

Not gonna LOL

The two-on-one begins.  Jojo admits to us that she and Chad have great chemistry, while she realizes that Alex is more of a standup guy.  But she’s confused.  They wind up backpacking through the woods, accompanied by a shot of a bear, possibly nearby.  Chad is an overconfident douchebag.

They lay a blanket down by the river, the rose perched upon a cut piece of wood.  She takes Alex aside first.  “I’m glad he went first,” Chad says, “nobody ever buys the first house they look at.”

She asks Alex about him.  He talks about the threat to Jordan that morning and really opens up about Chad.  He is a standup guy.  And he has fabulous arms.

Then she takes Chad aside, trying to figure out who he really is.  He doesn’t respond the way she would like and she gets pissed off, walks away in a huff.  She’s tried to give him a chance to explain himself and he’s given her nothing.  I’m fascinated that she’s given him such a chance, and she’s now so emotional.  The death of his mom has really affected her and she’s being WAY TOO KIND.  Stop it Jojo. Cut. Him. Loose.

He returns to the blanket.  “I’m not very happy with you,” he says to Alex.  “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.  It’s just unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.”

Oh, apparently Chad was a Marine too?  News to me.  So I guess it’s two marines duking it out.

 

Jojo returns.  “Today has been confusing to me,” she says.  After a bunch of arguing and back and forth, the rose goes to… ALEX. THANK. GOD.  Chad alone in the woods, Jojo and Alex walk off hand in hand.  Kissing Alex (that’s number 10) in the woods while the guys cheer in the house and do shots.

But we’re not quite done yet.

Shot of Jojo and Alex making out in a cabin.  Shot of Chad walking through the woods alone at night.  Shot of the house, of the guys inside, and of Chad, knocking on the door.  Previews of fallout, two weeks from today, of Chad unleashed.

Looks like there’s more roid-induced fun to come.

Till then!

 

Kiss Meter:  💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋 (10)

 

Total since Episode 2: 💖💖💖💋 (16)

 

Want more? Here’s last week’s recap…and don’t miss this feature of IT’S NOT OKAY by former Bachelor and Bachelorette alum, Andi Dorfman! Andi was also a guest on the XOXO After Darkcast, where we talked about dating (and ghosting!) with her.

 

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