While our usual recapper, Elana, is out on maternity leave with her brand-new Bachelor (look for him on the 2039 season), author Gabra Zackman has jumped in to make sure we don’t miss a single rose ceremony! Read on for all the rose-related antics…
I’m pinch hitting Bachelorette recaps this season and am psyched to do it! I had to beg for the privilege because I’m such a fan. I haven’t seen every season but the ones I watch I watch with a vengeance🙂 I adored last season and found myself live tweeting the Bachelor finale. This season I’m psyched because I’m a total #teamjojo convert and want this beautiful, vibrant lady to find her Prince Charming. So without further ado…
If you missed episode one here’s the brief: lots of kooky madcaps and lots of easy ones to let go of. The surprise: that she kept Daniel, the wasted Canadian. I watched an interview with Jojo on the Today show where she said she just wanted to give him another chance. A lot of the guys were nervous, drunk, clearly overwhelmed with her beauty. There were some clear standouts too, but we’ll get to them in this episode or the next. It was a fascinating episode to watch and could have been titled “Kings and Clowns.”
…On previews/ clips/ glances into what appears to be a testosterone-fueled frat party. What could be better? Jojo is gorgeous and sweet. Luke appears, a war vet with fine arms. We swoon over James T, a singer, totally adorbs. And from the very beginning Chad, in “luxury real estate sales” (the job titles given are often truly genius) is painted as the antagonist, the alpha, the bully. The storytelling done on this show is simply BRILL: he is excellently set up as the bad guy, and is the foil throughout this episode. At one point he’s doing pull ups with a weight belt he fashions out of tubs of protein inside a suitcase, to the delight of all the other guys. At another moment he begins a narcissistic spin with “in my days as an auto dealer.” Who doesn’t love this guy from the start?!?!?
GROUP DATE #1
First of all I just want to say #iheartchrisharrison. What a kind, deep, awesome soul. Huge fan. He is my TV crush. Group date #1 starts with a limo being set on fire and Jojo coming out of a fire truck looking #hotasrocks (new fave expression coined during my recaps of #thecatch called “The Re-Catch”) and putting out said fire. The first date turns out to be drills at the fire academy for many reasons but, as Jojo says, “Firefighters are hot.” (This blogger could not agree more.) “Hands down,” Jojo says, watching the men do drills, “hottest date I’ve ever been on.” Pun intended, we hope.
Featured here are Grant, a real firefighter, Luke, our aforementioned vet, and Wells, a cute young pup who can’t quite handle the heat. Literally. But his exhaustion gets him more Jojo time, and he’s totally adorable too. These three wind up duking it out to see who can rescue Jojo and it winds up being Grant, the real firefighter, who pulls her out of a quasi-burning building, Luke a close second.
Meanwhile, back at the house, most of the men are creating a song for Jojo with sweet James T. at the helm. Chad, curmudgeon that he is, is skeptical and thinks the rest of the guys are idiots. Awesome. [Ed. note: Chad can be both correct AND a roided-out douchecanoe. Just sayin’.]
The second half of the group date is a cocktail party around a pool. She starts by giving extra time to Grant—he’s hot, and very authentic and they share one heck of a kiss! DAMN!
Jojo is looking mad hot in a two piece cream colored dress that occasionally shows some midriff. She has a sweet convo with Wells, a sexy moment with Luke who says to the camera, “I already have feelings for Jojo” and they also share a sexy kiss.
And the rose goes to…WELLS. #cuteaspie
ONE ON ONE
First one on one goes to Derek, a nice sweet guy who I find rather unmemorable but who Jojo likes a lot. They have something of a “Choose Your Own Adventure” and together pick where to go and what to do. [Ed. note: This date would be better if there was a chance that the wrong pick would end in “You both die.”] They wind up in San Fran with a sweet picnic under the Golden Gate bridge where they share—yes—another kiss! That’s three, for anyone keeping count.
Cut to Chad, our “anti-hero.” Great convo between him and Daniel, the wasted Canadian from last week. “Stay away from the nice guys,” Chad says. Sage advice. With these two guys all I can say is “D-bag alert!”
Back to Jojo and Derek. She asks about his past relationships. He gets a bit emotional and opens up about his last relationship, where he thought he’d get married but “someone else got involved,” meaning his girlfriend wandered elsewhere. He gets a rose and a sweet, sweet kiss. Yes, folks, that’s number four.
GROUP DATE #2
Chad is now extra douchey regarding his chances of winning Jojo and how immature all the other guys are. But it sure makes for good TV! This date winds up being a takeover of Sports Nation on ESPN which the same hosts call Bachelor Nation, rating the guys on various drills and exercises. Chad is so fun. So, so fun. He’s such an asshole and doesn’t pull his punches! There’s no artifice, and he’s taking it far. At one point all the guys have to do a drill involving a big ring and a proposal and Chad won’t do it. He won’t say what he loves about Jojo who he says he doesn’t know yet, and when she reprimands him he replies, “You’re starting out a little naggy here,” to the great horror of the guys and the hosts. [Ed. note: Negging on the first date? Way harsh, Tai.] But surprisingly, in the end, Alex—the cute Marine–is ranked third, Chad is second for honesty, and sweet James is number 1. The guys are simply horrified about Chad. [Ed. note: As am I. Ladies, if you reward this behavior it will keep happening!]
At the after party it is glorious to see the guys try to communicate. I love when they try to “talk” about what’s wrong…it always makes me wonder how staged this is. In my experience, men won’t talk unless dragged through fire, but I’m assuming the Bachelor producers know tricks I haven’t learned yet. [Ed. note: Waterboarding?] Anyway, it becomes Alex vs. Chad in the “talking about how to behave” department, and it makes for some good entertainment.
The “awwww” moment of the night comes in a private convo between Jojo and James. He thinks she’s out of his league, but writes her this beautiful note which makes her cry. “I have a good heart,” he says. Truly adorbs. Then they share, yes, ANOTHER KISS. CRIKEY! This is number five of the night!
Chad is still behaving like douche central, critiquing all the men for how weak they are, or how short, or how gullible, or how stupid. In private time with Jojo, she grills him about his life. He confesses that his mom died six months ago—this deeply moves her though he seems somewhat nonplussed. [Ed. note: That’s less “douche” and more “sociopath,” if you ask me.] This does however lead to a rather fantastic looking kiss—yes, folks, that’s number six—which makes me think that all his douchebaggery may be worth it for a kiss like that. Well, they are called “Alphas” for a reason. Though I do like Alex’s take on Chad: “Chad is the highest level of D-bag.”
And the evening’s rose goes to…James! #thesweetest
THE LAST COCKTAIL PARTY
Pre-cocktail party. All the guys are inside wondering where Chad is. Jojo emerges from the limo in a hot maroon number and Chad is waiting with a drink in hand and a drink for her and asks her to take a short walk just to chat a bit. She seems thrown by this but he doesn’t seem to notice.
The cocktail party begins with a ton of nervous guys. There’s a powwow with the guys and Chad about what he was doing outside and did he have time alone with Jojo? Oh how I ADORE these conversations! They communicate so badly! It’s just delicious to watch the combination of nerves, awkwardness and testosterone. [Ed. note: These are the primary ingredients of Axe Body Spray.]
Chase was one of the guys who didn’t get any date time this week, so he creatively makes it snow over their heads as he and Jojo have a brief amount of private time. Chad is eating plate after plate of meat and all the guys are gossiping about him like schoolgirls. “Chad has taken ‘meathead’ to a whole new level,” one of them quips. HA HA.
This is really excellent storytelling on the part of the Bachelor producers. Jojo is so elegantly dealing with Chad who continually interrupts whoever she’s talking to in order to gain more time for himself. Alex takes him on, yet again, telling him to back off. Chad threatens him by the pool, in the semi-dark. Alex says, “You think I’m scared of you, bro?” Chad retorts, “I think you should be.” Keep in mind the visuals: Chad is about a foot taller than Alex, but Alex, a Marine, has biceps to beat the band. It’s a fun standoff.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
My question: do the producers tell the Bachelor/Bachelorette the order they want to give the roses? It’s far too coincidental that Chad gets a rose but gets it last, affording the producers time to play Chad’s inner snarky voice as a voice over throughout the whole ceremony. Regardless, it’s deeply effective TV…we want Chad to stay, we need Chad to stay, the whole season is currently structured around him. The rest of the guys are miserable that Chad’s sticking around, but we, the viewing audience, are delighted. Next week promises more antics, and is split into two nights with the teaser, “Two Nights of Chad.”
For more of Gabra’s recaps, check out the Re-Catch!
For our previous season of Bachelor recaps, go here.
It’s Not OkayAndi Dorfman
Andi Dorfman, the beloved finalist of season eighteen of The Bachelor who infamously rejected Juan Pablo and went on to star on season ten of The Bachelorette, dishes about what it’s like to live out a love story—and its collapse—in front of the cameras, offering hard-won advice for moving on after a break-up, public or not.
Game OnGabra Zackman
From Washington, DC, to Paris, Susannah "Legs" Carter is tailing Charles Oakley Palmer III, a white-collar criminal she’s determined to bring to justice. But will romance or betrayal blossom along the way? Find out in the first in a sizzling new series about a team of highly skilled investigators who go undercover to catch criminals—while juggling romance, world travel, and danger around every corner.
All InGabra Zackman
Stop the wedding! The Bod Squad rides again...and while they search for a man long presumed dead, teammates Lisa Bee and Jackson discover that romance may be among the surprises they uncover.
Double DownGabra Zackman
Only trained assassins Tyka and Mahmoud have the very particular set of skills the Bod Squad needs to pursue a dangerous international criminal. Neither of these dead sexy shooters is looking for a partner, but before they know it, the sparks are flying faster than bullets. Could true love be in their sights?