We here at XOXOAD love us some juicy celebrity gossip— especially when it’s about their supernatural abilities. So we’re welcoming author of the urban fantasy Ciel Halligan series, Linda Grimes, who has the dish on those celebrities that seem just a little too perfect to be true.
Curious? Check out All Fixed Up, the latest installment in the Ciel Halligan series, to learn a more about the behind-the-scenes life of an aura adaptor!
Aura adaptor [awr-uh uh-dap-ter]
- a human being with a rare genetic mutation that allows him/her to instantly change the energy he/she projects in order to look, sound, and smell exactly like another person.
- a human chameleon.
Handy ability, huh? It only makes sense that aura adaptors would be popular stand-ins for the celebrity set, especially in Hollywood. Now, I’m not claiming the following list is gospel–strict confidentiality clauses in contracts preclude that–but let’s just say some things should be obvious to the careful observer.
- Chris Pratt.I mean, come on. All you have to do is take a look at his before and after pics. The guy has admitted he loves to eat. Do you really think he worked that hard to get ripped for Guardians of the Galaxy? Why should he when he could hire an adaptor stand-in for the shirtless scenes?
- Leonardo DiCaprio.Word is, he actually ate raw bison liver for a scene in The Revenant. Or did he? He’s a vegetarian. If an aura adaptor was available to fill in for that scene, would he really have betrayed his veggie sensibilities? Would any dedicated vegetarian? You decide.
- Helen Mirren. You don’t think she really bared her sweater puppies in Calendar Girls, do you? Hilarious film, but seriously, nobody’s jubblies could look that good at her age.
- Daniel Day Lewis, in practically every role he’s ever played. That guy becomes the character. He disappears into his roles. Take a look at his Lincoln, for instance. Obviously the work of an adaptor. Sure, there are minor differences, but those are intentional, because the adaptor is highly skilled at becoming DDL being Lincoln. A masterfully subtle adaption on the part of…um, never mind. Kudos to whoever did it!
- Every actor who’s ever played the Hulk.You think those are special effects in the scenes where the mild, unassuming Bruce Banner roars himself into the big green guy? Think again. Any competent aura adaptor could manage the shift without batting an eye, and at half the cost to the studio. (Yeah, they can even pull off the CGI-ish overtones. Shifting energy is their thing.) Adaptors are virtual wet dreams for Hollywood bean counters.
- Mick Jagger, of The Rolling Stones. You don’t think think a real 70+-year-old man can still move like he could in his twenties, do you? After a lifetime of drugs, sex, and hip-swiveling rock-n-roll? Yeah, right. Has to be an adaptor stand-in. No other explanation makes sense.
- Zoe Saldana. Because do you really think she can look that good in a bikini after giving birth to twins? Twins. And the woman has no stretch marks. Get real.
Aura Adaptors: They’re like a living, breathing Photoshopped version of you when you need it most!
LINDA GRIMES is a former English teacher and ex-actress now channeling her love of words and drama into writing. She grew up in Texas and currently resides in northern Virginia with her husband.