Well, Bachelor Nation, another rollicking season has come to an end as of last night and the interminably long three-hour finale. I think there are some important takeaways to be had here:

1) If you show up at the Women Tell All looking sad and carrying around extra face weight, America hates you and you need to GTFO immediately (sorry, Caila.)

2) Pastor Denny needs to take a long, hard look at his life choices before the next time he commits to appearing on a reality television show.

3) Never cross Chris Harrison, who used the After the Final Rose to basically shame Ben into admitting he didn’t want to get married to Lauren right now–and we all thought he took Ben’s go-rogue ‘I love you’ shenanigans laying down! #LikeaBoss

Chris Harrison wastes no time at all hinting at all of the exploitation potential coming up over the next three hours: we’re staring down the barrel of a potential wedding, a pastor who looks like he may or may not also be a sex offender in several states, Neil Lane having absolutely nothing better to do with his spare time than stand in as ring bearer, and enough assorted family members of JoJo and Lauren’s to start a spin-off series called The Bachelor Bunch. This ragtag cast of characters makes a three-ring circus look like story hour at your local library, this shit is going to be CRAY.

Meanwhile, back in Jamaica, Lauren and JoJo are both feeling unreasonably confident with their odds of nabbing Ben, evident from the continuing downward spiral of both women’s hairdos and skin-to-oil ratio. For the love of god will someone please get them a Clearasil wipe?

Lauren: “I love Ben so much. I can’t imagine anyone else feeling the way I do right now.” –I can.

MEETING “AMY & DAVE”

Ben is a hot mess this entire episode because he got himself into quite a pickle by telling two women he loves them—d’oh! Now he’s hoping Mommy will kiss his booboo and make it all better by telling him what to do.

Too bad, Ben. Mama Bear is clearly miffed that Ben has been more loose with his “I love you’s” than Lauren has been with her general hair care throughout this show and wastes no time in letting her displeasure be known.

Amy: “The thought that Ben could be in love with two women is really disturbing to me.”

Lauren is first up to meet the parents, and shows up with flowers that are bigger than her entire face and a bottle of Jamaican rum wine. Clearly she’s recognized that Ben is a huge mama’s boy and wants to win them over ASAP. She just gets right in there and starts calling them “Amy & Dave” which is hilarious.

Lauren is super open with telling Dave how happy Ben makes her, and Dave seems excited for the two of them but Amy is just not having any of this, she is so over her son right now.

Lauren to Amy: “Ben is just so perfect, you know?”

**Amy rolls eyes and makes farting noise out of her mouth**

Then things go dark as Lauren asks how she can support Ben through his rare disease of thinking he’s unlovable. Will it require intravenous meds? A drip? What can she do to help him through this?

Amy: “It’s important to know how to talk him off the ledge.” –Literally Ben has the mental and emotional complexity of a three-month-old, why is his mom convinced that he’s randomly suicidal?

Amy and Lauren are actually holding hands at various points throughout this conversation #PlotTwist #LoveisLove

 

JoJo is next up on the chopping block, sucks that she brought a rando conch shell she picked up off the beach with a few straggly blooms stuck in there and Lauren brought like a year’s salary worth of flowers plus some alcohol that she may or may not have stolen off the last flight she worked, but still. JoJo you are wealthier than the entire British royal family you couldn’t spring for a bottle of Malbec?

She’s also clearly feeling super whiny/clingy/nervous today which is just adorbs. JK. But it is funny since it makes her say a lot of random crap that would probably have been better left in her head.

JoJo: “I’m so glad to meet the two people who have made such a special guy. Like, who created him. Who had sexual intercourse and conceived him.” **crickets**

Dave is talking about JoJo and Lauren like he’s narrating a horserace: “Aaaaaanndd Lauren comes strong outta the gate but thereeeeee’s JoJo flanking her up the side aaannnddd JoJo is nudging ahead by a hair as they’re comin’ around the bend…” Jesus I wonder where Ben learned to objectify women and manipulate their feelings, DAD.

JoJo is honestly making Ben look put together with the way she’s behaving today, she’s just messy crying all over everyone and being super emotional. Someone def should have doubled her Paxil dosage in advance of today’s date.

Things get weird (again) during JoJo’s talk with Amy, this time Amy is like psychoanalyzing JoJo. Wow this woman would honestly be the mother-in-law from hell.

Dr. Phil Amy: “So interesting you used the word safe there, JoJo. Let’s explore that.”

JoJo: “Wait so how much do I owe you for this sesh because I only brought a $20?”

Despite JoJo acting like an unstable lunatic during this meeting, she thinks it went really well and now she feels a million times more sure about her and Ben’s relationship and where it’s heading.

Amy on meeting JoJo: “Ben felt so comfortable and excited to see JoJo. She really knew what it would take for Ben to feel safe.”  –WTF does Amy think is wrong with Ben, he isn’t like an at-risk youth he’s about as edgy as a loaf of white bread.

Dave thinks Lauren is a ‘great gal’ and very polished, but JoJo has a better rack so he can see why Ben is so torn. JoJo also anticipated Dave’s needs like any good future secretary daughter-in-law would, seriously does this guy think he’s guest appearing on Mad Men or something, what century does he think we’re in?

Amy: “Ben doesn’t know who to plant his seed stake with.” – LOLZ

LAST DATE WITH LAUREN

Ben still has no idea who he’s saying goodbye to as he goes into today’s date, but in between screwing around with two women’s feelings he’s been praying a lot over the past 24 hours so he’s hoping that will clear his head.

In the meantime, Lauren couldn’t be feeling more confident because Ben said he loves her.

Lauren: “Everything’s coming up Lauren. #Blessed.”

But soon Lauren’s breezy state of mind takes a turn for the worse as she realizes—what is Ben doing?? Is that—is he… THINKING??

Lauren: “Ben has a heavy mind today. I feel like he’s thinking about something but I’m not sure what and it’s making me nervous.” –Hmm, yes, what COULD he be thinking about with a marriage proposal looming in only 2 days’ time and him having no idea who he wants to choose? This is a sticky wicket indeed!

If I was Lauren I would spend less time worrying about Ben and more time worrying about the fact that I’d been in Jamaica for over a week and haven’t been able to work up a dece tan.

Finally Lauren drags it out of Ben that he’s worried things are too good to be true between them because everything has just been so perfect since they met. He wants them to have gone through some real, hard times together, like surviving a potato famine or a next-day hangover or something. Just legitimate life experiences.

Ben: “It’s weird and crazy and good and it’s life.” –Ben talking about his relationship with Lauren or that time he tried LSD idk.

This is a ridiculous conversation because Ben’s ‘concern’ is literally what most people would dream about having in a relationship, nonetheless he acts like Mr. Crabbypants all day and Lauren is pissed that he ruined her #CatamarmanVibes.

The evening portion of the date is equally as frustrating, Ben just keeps like grossly nuzzling into Lauren’s face/neck/shoulder and giving her wet kisses all over her face. Lauren is like is this my future fiancée or a new puppy.

Ben: “During this whole process you’ve continued to impress me and continue to show support.” –Is this the preamble to a proposal or an employee performance review?

**Pastor Denny break: The pastor is just like wandering the halls during this entire episode, why can’t they just let him sit down and chill for a bit? Also you know there’s a Playboy hidden inside that Bible he’s staring at so intently**

LAST DATE WITH JOJO

JoJo is randomly waiting on the side of the road for her date like she’s anticipating a carpool pick up to school or summer camp. Definitely adult summer camp, with all that cleavage we have on display today—woowee, JoJo, bringing out the big guns for the last date.

Lots of inane conversation on this car ride but I’m distracted by the placement of her hand and the fact that we can’t see where it is.

OMG, why is Ben always taking JoJo to waterfalls?? This is like his thing with Lauren and charity events, stop putting these women in a box, Ben! Maybe JoJo wants to go help out fake kids in need and Lauren wants to nearly lose her bikini top on a swinging rope.

JoJo is so excited for this all to be over and her and Ben to just be normal with each other because she forgot they met on the Bachelor so there’s like zero chance of this relationship being normal, ever.

JoJo: “I’m going to do whatever it takes on my end to make this work. I mean really, whatever it takes. Including placing a strategic call to my Mafioso brothers if it looks like you’re about to give me the ax.”

Poor Ben’s mind is in 1,000 different places right now, it’s like who does he want to marry and also what does he want for room service tonight, gahhh decisions deicisons. Seriously the mental calisthenics this guy has had to go through the past 8 weeks is probably more puzzling out than he’s had to do his entire life, Mama Amy you might just get the chemically imbalanced son you’ve apparently been dreaming of after all.

JoJo feels like she’s leaving the date with concerns, which Ben does nothing to alleviate in the moment or later that night when he shows up looking like he just swallowed a horse tranquilizer. Some producer probs finally took pity on him and slipped him a doozy. No one smiles like that unless they’re being intensely medicated.

JoJo: “Never censor yourself around me. But tell me what I want to hear.”

Ben: “What I’m feeling for you is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt. Except for yesterday when I was with Lauren LOL.”

Ben’s reasoning for why he’s worried about his and JoJo’s relationship is almost as moronic as his take on things with him and Lauren: he’s concerned because he doesn’t HAVE a concern. This guy is like hell bent on creating problems where there are none, clearly he’s despo to find a flaw with one of them so he has an excuse to break up with one of them but he just can’t.

JoJo: “I could either leave here the happiest person or the saddest.”

Ben: “It’s probs gonna be the saddest. “

Ben then tells JoJo she’s become his bestie over the past two months and then somehow they end up in the bathroom with the door locked like any two besties-with-benefits—I hope it wasn’t to have a private conversation because literally there are closed captions telling us everything they’re saying, which is a whole lot of BS and maybe a request from Ben for some side hand action as long as they’re in there.

“I’m so tired of competing” says the girl who voluntarily went on a reality show to find love.

Ben: “I’m just a lost man right now. Put out an APB on me because I am just LOST.” Just got an amber alert for a lost guy named Ben Higgins. Last seen wandering Jamaica wearing a fugly hoodie and stress-eating jerk chicken.

NEIL LANE MEETING

Ben wakes up suffering from indecision and a bad chest sunburn. Since his mommy went home Ben needs someone else to lean on and snuffle all over, so… Neil Lane to the rescue.

Neil is asking Ben the most probing questions right now, probably upon request of the producers to make Ben just BREAK. “Do you know what you’re going to do Ben, huh? Do ya? DO YA???” Neil is so INTENSE, he’s totally trolling Ben right now and it’s amaze. Neil relax it’s a proposal you’re not getting Ben to divulge state secrets here.

But Sgt. Corporal Lane must do something right because suddenly Ben has an epiphany and just like that he knows who he’s going to choose. Love means the ability to make split-second decisions when staring down the barrel of hundreds of thousands of dollars of jewelry.

As a side point, take note ladies: nothing to clear your man’s mind like going to pick out diamonds for your women amiright? Next time he wants to go to the gym to blow off some steam suggest he goes to Zales instead.

As a second side point, that is the ugliest effing ring I have ever seen.

THE PROPOSAL

Ben said to his therapist Neil Lane yesterday that he knows who he’s going to choose, but honestly he still looks horrible. I think I actually see a little bit of mouth crust residue happening?

Both of the ladies on the other hand look great, and by both ladies I mean JoJo’s two hooters. The rest of her I could take or leave. Honorary Blue Man Group member Lauren in the meantime is basically just wearing body paint. Good luck with the big climb up to the helicopter in that number.

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: JOJO is the first one out of the helicopter, which means she’s going bye bye. After all of the “emotional, raw” moments she and Ben have shared, too, like that time they crouched down behind a table together for fear of helicopter blowback. Talk about a life or death situation, no idea how he’s letting her go after that shared experience.

As if Ben wasn’t enough of a douche for telling a woman he loves her right before he’s going to send her home, he just lets poor JoJo ramble on and on and on about how she feels about him, how much she loves him, etc. etc.

Read the room, JoJo. READ THE ROOM. She’s also doing a ton of mouth breathing between sentences which isn’t helping.

JoJo: “I’m never going to run from this.”

Ben: “I am.”

UGH, CRINGE, you just knew Ben was going to be the worst breakup speech-giver, like, ever. No surprise that he has no clue what to say and starts with “Uh.”

Ben: “I found love with you but I found it with somebody else more.” –Should have stuck with “uh.”

Props to JoJo for keeping her shit super together after Ben sends her home, she’s probably sitting pretty because she knows both of her brothers are just waiting on her call to put a hit out on Ben with a pair of Jamaican mercenaries, but still.

Ben: “JoJo was always there for me, telling me it would be all right, encouraging me to go on” –So Ben is crying because he just lost his short-term girlfriend or his basketball team coach tbh I can’t tell.

After the requisite time to grieve the loss of JoJo–probs an hour give or take–Ben is suddenly ECSTATIC and ready to propose to Lauren.

Ben: “I love Lauren with all of my heart, except for that teeny tine piece of my left upper ventricle that loves JoJo. Apart from that, all Lauren.” –Let’s not forget Ben’s heart was split earlier in this episode so it seems like he’s made a decision AND a miraculous medical recovery.

Ben then makes the call that’s been teased all season in every promo, which turns out to be to Lauren’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage. Dad can barely wait for Ben to get the question out before he’s like yesyesyesyesyes, let’s wait and see how he feels after he watches his future son-in-law’s behavior the past couple of weeks.

Ben: **Fist pumps in air and WHOOs, apparently confused about whether he’s at his own proposal or a sporting event**

Lauren finally arrives in the helicopter and slithers her way out of there, I wonder what she would give right now to be in a pair of comfy sweats.

Chris H.: “Over the bridge and through the woods, to Ben’s lame proposal you go.”

Lauren gives a super rehearsed-sounding speech to Ben about how much she loves him, ending with the most cliché and unoriginal line of all time: “You’re my person. “ –Annnndddd ABC just gave her a nice big bonus for that Grey’s Anatomy plug.

Ben then tells Lauren he came into this feeling unlovable but now he wants to wake up every morning and put his thing in her face kiss her on the face. Ben basically wants to spend the rest of his life slobbering all over her. Run, Lauren, run.

Ben: “You’re my person!”

Lauren: “No, you’re my person!”

Ben: “I’m so lucky!”

Lauren: “I’m so lucky!”

Ben: “I’m annoying as f*ck!”

Lauren: “No I’m annoying as f*ck!”

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Are Ben and Lauren still together? Are JoJo and Pastor Denny dating? How much did they have to pay Von Miller to sit in the audience for three hours?

Ben comes out onstage doing some weird sort of move that’s like midway between a football pass and Chandler Bing’s signature ‘woooooopa!’ So Ben’s still as much of a dork as ever.

Ben: “I think I came out a lot better in this than when I started. For instance, now I know that I can tell two women I love them and somehow not get in any sort of trouble for it and totally not have to make amends. Teehee.”

Ben knew he wanted to make a commitment to one of them so he flipped a coin and landed on Lauren.

We’re hearing a lot about Ben’s IBS issues in this After the Final Rose, his stomach is apparently in constant reflux mode, EVERYTHING makes it hurt. Hey Amy a.k.a Mrs. Munchhausen Syndrome it’s not a mental instability but it’s something, okay?

JOJO

JoJo is showing Ben what he missed out on with the shortest LBD ever that has a super-subtle boob slit. **Pastor Denny perks up**

JoJo honestly seems great, she’s definitely learned a lot about how shitty her highlights looked from watching herself on the Bachelor and has taken some positive steps to remedy that, so that’s good news. And she looks super skinz. But I still have no idea what all these references are to JoJo giving Ben support and encouragement throughout the season, we saw her giving him a lot of grief and a lot of blue balls but the support thing, not so much.

Chris H.: “What was your life like after the Bachelor?”

JoJo: “It pretty much sucked. But I prayed a lot.” –I think it’s more believable that Ben dumped Lauren after the show and is married to Lace now.

Then JoJo gets the opportunity to ask Ben the really tough questions about what happened with their relationship.

JoJo: “What was the deciding factor for you?”

Ben: “Neil Lane didn’t have your ring size on hand.”

But seriously, JoJo seems at peace, hot, and…. THE NEW BACHELORETTE! Honestly I had a pool going between JoJo, Amy Higgins, and Sheila the Chicken, so I’m a little surprised. But YAY!

LAUREN

The happy couple reunites after the big JoJo announcement, Lauren looks like a blonde Wilma Flintstone in that cutout dress and has clearly not learned very much in the hair department from watching her floppy high buns all season, those extensions are gross. JoJo hair game 1, Lauren 0.

Obviously Chris H. tries to stir the pot right off the bat by asking Lauren how she dealt with Ben’s multiple love admission, but Lauren just says they talked about it the day after they got engaged so she already knew what was coming. Nothing says “honest foundation for a relationship” like waiting until after the woman accepts your proposal to tell her you’ve been confessing your love to another woman.

Up next for Ben & Lauren: Lauren is moving to Denver! I don’t know why the audience is so shocked and delighted by this, she’s a flight attendant I think the roots on her head are probably firmer than her ties to any one city.

Ben: “I just want to show Lauren off. Like I just want to show her off everywhere.” –OMG Ben she’s not like the latest pair of Lebron shoes, she’s your fiancé.

Luckily Jimmy Kimmel shows up to liven up this snoozefest and hilarity ensues because Jimmy is eveything.

Jimmy: “Where do babies come from?”

Ben: **Scratches head and gives Lauren blank look** So I guess we know how their sex life is going.

Jimmy: “Will there be cake when you guys get married?”

Ben: “**Pets Lauren affectionately** can’t show her off if she gets fat!”

Jimmy: “What happens in the fantasy suite?”

**Lauren’s oversexed brothers nodding enthusiastically in background**

The last bit is a “hilarious” gag where Chris H. trots out poor Pastor Denny who’s been held hostage for the last 3 hours and offers Ben the opportunity to get married right away, he looks PANICKED and just gets super awkward and bumbles something about wanting their friends and family to be there, but Chris has an answer for everything: Families, check! Wedding bands, check check!

This is totally Chris’s way of getting back at Ben for the whole “I love you” debacle and it’s awesome, he basically forces Ben to admit he has no desire to get married. But in true Ben fashion, he’s secretly smooth and parlays this super awk moment into proposing to Lauren all over again, this time in front of her jealous sister, gross brothers, and inadequate parents who still seem to have no qualms about giving Lauren to a man who openly told another woman he loved her an hour before proposing to their daughter.

Really hope Pastor Denny didn’t clear his schedule for this shit.

Aaanndddd that’s game, folks! Don’t forget to tune in on May 23rd when we start this madness all over again and watch JoJo find a rebound husband! Until then, stay classy, Bachelor Nation.