The Bachelor Women Tell All: Of Kings and Prophets and Ben

Last night’s Women Tell All episode showed us that competing on The Bachelor is a direct catalyst to a jumpsuit/bad ombre job/chartreuse lipstick fetish, and that Ben is still ‘the most popular Bachelor ever’ despite pulling a total douche move last week and telling both JoJo and Lauren that he’s in love with them. I honestly thought at least some of the women would take him to task for this, but Ben was basically Prom King of the evening and the women and Chris Harrison were his band of awkward teenage followers hoping that Cady Heron Ben would break off pieces of his crown and share with them. Where is everyone’s sense of decency and self-respect?

Chris H.: “I saw Ben wearing pastel-colored b-downs, so I bought a pastel-colored b-down.”
ArmyPants

Oh, right.

First we get treated to the typical montage of Chris and Ben “dropping in” on a bunch of sad viewing parties for The Bachelor, who all totally look like they expected it and got group blowouts and manis for the occasion. Chris stop calling this “the historic 20th season”, it’s bad reality TV not the signing of the constitution.

Why are Chris and Ben completely alone on a party bus?

Ah, yes, I’m sure that man who was probably bodily forced to attend the viewing party in House #1 and that two-week old newborn he’s burping make a weekly practice of watching The Bachelor. That bachelor board the production team brought in in the house is more intricate than Carrie Mathison’s kill diagrams on Homeland. Of course kid-obsessed Ben only has eyes for that little girl Ella, who’s wearing a Mrs. Higgins tee. If I were those parents I wouldn’t be so quick to joke about child brides with a dude from Poland.

House #2 has some nice ethnic flavor so you can tell Ben is super uncomfortable and just wants to GTFO.

Nona: “Let me feed you some lasagna.”

Ben: “F*k no.”

House #3 is, of course, the requisite PJ party comprised of 40 screaming adult women completely losing their shit over being visited by two C-listers.

Gold digger: “Chris, you’re my favorite guy on the show!”

Ben: Snorts in the background.

THE LADIES

Ooohh, we’re starting off the blooper reel early tonight—oh no, jk, it’s just the season recap of all the women acting batshit crazy and like complete lunatics. Or, in Leah’s case, just being herself.

Some first impressions of the ladies from tonight:

-Amber looks super skinz. Caila doesn’t. 🙁

-Tiara found love in a hopeless place a.k.a her chicken coop.

-Jamie and ‘Izzy’ are stepping up as the classic women every Women Tell All episode who insist on repeatedly offering their two cents even though no one remembers who the eff they are or cares about anything they have to say.

-Whichever twin had the thumb injury is healed, so good luck telling Red Velvet and Lady Sparkles a Lot apart this episode.

Notable absents: Samantha and Mandi. Samantha probably didn’t feel the need to relive her ‘sour’ moment in the blooper reel on national TV, and Mandi probably had important dentist work to do or, like, an Addams Family Convention to attend.

The best thing about all of the squabbling that comes after the season highlight reel is that Sheila the chicken won’t shut the hell up and keeps squawking through all of the heartfelt/impassioned/accusatory monologues from the women. Preach, queen.

Least improved award goes to Leah who is somehow under the impression that she did nothing wrong and didn’t throw Lauren under the bus for no reason despite incontrovertible evidence to the exact opposite.

Bill Clinton Leah: “I did not try to screw (over) that woman.”

JUBILEE

Did not realize the Jubes was going to take such a central focus in tonight’s episode, but apparently Jamie and Amber were inspired by the Oscars and decide to co-opt the Women Tell All into an extended infomercial on #BlackLivesMatter, basically taking Jubilee to task for making racist comments and calling herself a ‘full black woman’ in opposition to them. Jubilee looks super taken aback and confused throughout all of this, but it could just be those massive false eyelashes.

LOLZ love Lauren H.  getting in there and using her kindergarten teacher skills to explain to Jubilee that she shouldn’t have stolen Amber’s marker racial identity without asking first. Jubilee do not take character advice from a woman who publicly French-kissed a puppet.

Somehow Shushanna is the one to finally get through to Jubilee and show her why she may have been in the wrong, I have no idea how because she can barely string a sentence together, but it somehow all ends in Jubilee apologizing and everyone applauding her.

Chris then brings Jubilee into the hot seat so he can make her feel like her entire sense of self-worth should be tied to getting a man to want her, despite the fact that she has a kick-ass Army career and could probably knock him out cold in, like, two seconds flat.

Jubilee: “It takes awhile to get to know me, I have layers, like one of those nesting dolls—you know what I’m talking about, Shushanna girl.”

Chris: “Listen, don’t lose hope. Sure, your entire family was killed and you were a Haitian orphan, but hey, you got a rich white guy to keep you around for four whole weeks until he saw a side of your actual personality and sent your ass home. Take heart, Jubilee.” #LifeGoals with Chris Harrison.

LACE

Steadily making our way up the crazy chain, Chris now trots Lace out so we can be reminded of her own unique brand of bonkers. Lace has learned so many important lessons from her time on the show, like the need to take more selfies so she can be aware of the full range of her facial expressions.

Of course a “random” guy from the crowd pops up who’s soo in love with Lace that he has a giant tattoo of her face plastered all over his lower body, which she pretends freaks her out but really probably makes her year. 1) No way that’s not henna and 2) That’s the easiest $10 a Bachelor production assistant ever made.

Then, surprise surprise, Chris invites Lace on to the next season of Bachelor in Paradise. Lace shows how committed she still is to really working on herself by jumping at the chance to accept another turn on a reality TV franchise that turned her into a raving psychopath in the span of three weeks.

**Cut to Emily/Haley frantically looking at each other and wondering how many more spots BIP has open. You know their mom told them they either get offered a spot on BIP or they don’t come home.**

Lace: “It’s like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone else until you voluntarily make a fool of yourself on a national stage multiple times.” So Donald Trump must be, like, sooo in love with himself right now.

OLIVIA

Chris: “It’s time to hear what really happened, straight from Olivia’s gigantic, cartoonish mouth.”

Luckily we’re spared a repeat viewing of Olivia’s ‘Vegas showgirl’ performance in the montage of her time on the Bachelor, but afterward Chris decides to subject Olivia to a public flogging and basically lets all of the women line up to pie her in the face, airing very important grievances such as:

-Amanda: “You said I was a young MOM.”

-Emily/Haley: “You said we were SLUTTY.” (Omg, these two are so despo to generate some drama that they’re literally tripping over each other trying to talk. You guys are identical twins. Share.)

-Jennifer: “You implied we didn’t like to read as much as you!”

-Shushanna: “You no like BORSCHT.”

So to be clear, Olivia’s main crime on the show was stating the generally obvious.

Olivia: “I never said other people didn’t read—I just said I brought, like, SIX books on the show, and they were all at least middle grade reading level.”

Olivia relax you’re not a “public figure” you’re on, like, a local news station. My grandmother’s Facebook page has more loyal viewers than you.

But actually, once Olivia gets into how her life has changed since the show, I actually start to feel really bad for her. I believe that she was bullied as a kid, she probably wore flip-flops to elementary school one day and it was pretty much all downhill from there. Of course Lauren H. is nodding understandingly as Olivia is talking about her sucky childhood because #kindergarten.

But apparently the post-show harassment has gotten so bad that Olivia had to give her sister her social media accounts because people have been harassing her. I’m sad for Olivia but I think the real victim here is me and other Bachelor fans, who now are forced to consider the real-life impact this show has on the female contestants. What a drag. The only upside about this whole thing is that it takes the wind out of Emily/Haley’s sails, who were clearly out for Olivia’s blood.

Gretchen Wieners Emily/Haley: “We should totally just stab Olivia!”

Everyone else: “Meh.”

CAILA

Chris: “When Caila first arrived at the mansion she flung herself at Ben like someone without an ounce of self-respect. Now it looks like she’s been hitting the Ben & Jerry’s with the same gusto. Caila, everyone!”

**Vague smattering of applause as Caila comes onstage.”

Chris: “WOWOWWOWOW!! A LOT OF CAILA LOVE IN THE HOUSE, AMIRIGHT?!?”

Oh my god, Chris is pushing Caila onto America so hard right now. Chris stop trying to make Caila happen, no one wants her to be the next Bachelorette.

This whole conversation between Chris and Caila is like pulling teeth, I think Daddy needs to put a new battery in America’s favorite wind-up toy because she is like totally tapped out. She honestly just seems sad and like she’s carrying around extra face weight. Also I don’t believe for a second that she hasn’t watched this season—and then I’m vindicated when she completely contradicts herself:

Caila: “I didn’t watch any of the episodes.”

Caila, a minute later: “It was really good for me to watch Ben’s relationships with Lauren and JoJo.”

??? I know she likes to talk around things but this is just too confusing.

Caila feels upset because she shared her feelings and her afternoon snack with Ben, and then he totally turned around and dumped her. But don’t worry, ‘Murica, she’s still open to finding love **wink wink**. If she thinks she’s coming back on this show she also needs to be open to finding a personal trainer, stat.

At this point I’d rather see Sheila the chicken as the next Bachelorette.

IT’S RAINING BEN, RIGHT CHRIS HARRISON? RIGHT??

Ben looks like he’s about to crap his pants as he walks onto the stage, he literally looks so uncomfortable—well fear not, Ben, because for some reason this entire group of women and one Chris Harrison are about to let you off completely scot-free!

Chris: “You told two women you’re in love with them. Do you realize what a mess you’re in?”

Ben: “LOLZ. I mean usually my mommy helps clean up my messes so I thought probs same thing here?”

Chris is trying to make excuses for Ben’s ridiculous level of asshattery by saying he ‘compartmentalized’ his feelings each time he was with one of the women, and just put them in a little box so he wasn’t even thinking about one when he admitted love to the other. Okay, wow, so Ben isn’t impulsive and childish, he’s just mildly sociopathic.

Ben then proceeds to shut down every woman who might have something to confront him about with a series of general platitudes and vague statements:


 

Caila: “You were always yourself and that allowed me to open up my heart. Did my confusion stall our relationship?”

Ben: “Yah, that and you sucked in bed.”


 

Leah: “I told you how I was feeling about Lauren and then you ran and told her. Why would you do that?”

Ben: “IDK. Didn’t really like you that much.”


 

Jubilee: “Why did you think it was cute when JoJo and Caila didn’t want to open up, but not me?”

Ben: “They didn’t want to open up but they were still willing to give me a handy during our one-on-ones.”


 

Aaaaaaaand that’s game, folks!

This guy is literally impenetrable. Once the women realize this is essentially a losing battle, all the would-be haters quiet down and we just have a series of women laying blessings at Ben’s feet like he’s freaking Mother Teresa. Amanda lets Ben know she wishes him the best and just wants him to be happy, she also lets him know she’s lost her voice but legit it sounds exactly the same as when she spoke the entire season.

Chris is desperately trying to find even one woman to bring Ben to heel about SOMETHING to stir up some drama, and in desperation he turns to resident Ironwoman, Becca.

Chris: “Becca? Anything here? Any thoughts at all? Remember that time when you asked Ben not to blindside you and then he did and sent you home at the rose ceremony? Didn’t that just make you feel like SHIT?”

Becca, in montone: “Me happy for you, Ben. Me wish you good life.” Thanks, C3PO.

Then Lauren H. says all of the women have sacrificed themselves to make sure Ben ends up happy so he better go through with it omg WHAT is going on?! Ladies this isn’t a Hands of Change meeting, this is the Women Tell All–no need to be altruistic here! Go at him, get him, say something—this moron told two women he loved them and they both have no idea. Does NO ONE have a problem with that??

Chris’s complete last-ditch effort to catch Ben in the act of being a douche is an utter fail when he asks Ben to point out Emily and Haley, and Ben passes the identical twin test while simultaneously somehow managing to make Chris come off like the creep.

Chris: “F*k this, I’m done. Bloopers and we out.”

Literally unbreakable, you guys. Ben is unbreakable.

The bloopers show us that Bachelor contestants, they’re just like us—or actually a lot nastier, there’s lots of burping and farting and apparently very little showering, since they’re constantly being chased around by bugs and vermin. Ew. High point is when Becca is talking about Ben and calls him Chris by mistake, yaaaaaasss queen.

We end with the same previews we’ve seen of the last episode since the first night of the show, with Chris basically applauding Ben and saying he should be on the Mt. Rushmore of Bachelors. WHAT? I honestly feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Why is no one mad at him for what he’s done?? At this rate I’m surprise they haven’t replaced the fountain in the front of Bachelor Manse with a giant bronze bust of Ben.

I swear allegiance to Ben, of the United Bachelor Nation.

Ben for President.

Heil Ben.

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