This week’s Bachelor episode proved that Jamaica is a little slice of Fantasy Suite paradise where people go to eat lots of suspicious-looking jerk chicken, get crabs, and lose any and all sense of filter or what’s conventionally appropriate (lookin’ at you, loverboy).
Continuing on our tour of third-rate vaca destinations, Ben points out all the ‘best’ spots in Jamaica, like dirty lobster boats and entire villages that look like they fall way below the poverty line. It might be a great place to fall in love but it’s definitely not a great place to wear that horrible pink button down, I hope Ben didn’t walk around those rough neighborhoods dressed like a giant blob of cotton candy.
Ben then goes on to discuss each of the remaining three women with about as much enthusiasm as he probably reviews his quarterly sales reports at the software company: “Yep, we’re seeing about a .3% increase in my feelings for Caila but forecasting a downward trend since she hasn’t ugly-cried in front of me yet.” Zzzzz. Clearly he was off being seduced by Caila’s mom when Caila completely lost her shit in front of her dad last week, because those were definitely some fugly tears. Also why is Ben yelling during this entire opening segment, can we get the sound booms under control for this episode, please?
As for Lauren, Ben feels like a little schoolboy chasing after his crush, he just wants to dip her pigtails in the inkwell and stay after class to bang erasers together. Seriously, what era did Ben grow up in? Just, like, send her a dirty Snap.
Sad for JoJo that her entire opening reel is basically one extended America’s Funniest Home Video, she’s like the DUFF of the group. Ben feels like the hometown visit in Dallas was an “emotional rollercoaster” that added a level of confusion to their relationship but also excitement, since she’s clearly loaded up the wazoo. JoJo is in need of some alone time with Ben and also in need of a blending brush before they zoom in for another close-up of her contemplatively sipping a cup of
DATE WITH CAILA
For this first date, Ben swapped out his super fem pink shirt for a super fem sky blue v-neck tee. Something is happening to Ben with this whole island fashion thing and it seems strangely familiar to the premise of The Danish Girl.
Ben: “I have no doubts about whether Caila would be a great wife.” –I do. I don’t, however, have doubts about whether Caila would make a great Bratz doll.
The date kicks off with Ben and Caila doing a poor man’s version of white water rafting, so basically sitting on a plank of logs drifting down a janky green river for three hours. Ah, Jamaica. There is literally nothing but awkward silence as these two are floating along, you can just see Caila contemplating throwing herself overboard to escape but then also not wanting to ruin her sick blowout.
Ben: “We get to spend the whole day together.”
This date is going so poorly that they’re both resorting to probable food poisoning and consuming copious amounts of shady jerk chicken to get away from this awful non-versation. They literally would rather spend the rest of the day hunched over a toilet than with each other.
Caila shows Ben how ready she is for a serious relationship by pouting and making sad eyes all day while refusing to speak any actual words, and then turning up a few hours later and literally pouncing on him. Caila is like a werewolf who gets really horny in a full moon.
Caila: “It’s hard knowing there are two other people in this, up until now I hadn’t seen the other women at the rose ceremonies because I’m perpetually walking around in a haze sprinkled by magic fairy dust and surrounded by unicorns. But suddenly I saw the other women and I was like WTF.”
Ben: “I hear that.”
Throughout this entire conversation Ben looks like he’s half listening, half about to pass out from heatstroke. Are the fifty fire torches surrounding them really necessary here, this is like an extreme version of hot yoga.
After babbling for an extended period of time and receiving zero helpful feedback from Ben, Caila decides it’s the right moment to take the plunge and admit she loves Ben.
Caila: “I know we’re in love because we take deep breaths together.” #isthisloveoristhislamaze
Caila on Ben’s utter non-response to her confession: “Oh, you sly fox.” –Caila, Ben has about as much slyness to him as a Gerber baby, he’s not being sly he’s just not that interested.
Completely missing every single clue that she should run as far as her tiny little legs will take her, Caila can’t wait to take advantage of the fantasy suite and says yes right away to spending the night together.
Caila: “No man has never made me feel like this before.” —Honestly they probably ghost way before it gets this far.
The morning after: Caila is obsessed with saying I love you, I’m picturing us being shown the tail end of a verrryy long night where she just repeated it over and over and over and over and over while bouncing up and down on the bed and rearranging her stuffed animals, while Ben probably had his head under a pillow pretending to be asleep or, like, dead. Caila is like a Filipino version of crazy Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers when she’s being really lovey dovey but also mildly threatening and doesn’t realize Vince Vaughn just wants to GTFO.
Caila can totally see them as a couple IRL where they wake up together, make out over some eggs, and then go to their mutual software sales reps job. Sounds boring as f*ck. On a side note her hair still looks amaze.
DATE WITH LAUREN
escapes Caila’s clutches leaves Caila, he heads toward someone he likes a loooot more, Lauren, who’s getting all misty-eyed about how she “feels like a little kid” around Ben. Why is everyone on this show obsessed with feeling like small children, and why is that a good thing? This isn’t Never Never Land this is Jamaica, you’re adults, own it. Also Lauren said she’s just like a little kid but then she’s wearing hooker shorts so I’m confused.
Today Ben and Lauren are going to help release sea turtles back into the ocean. Lauren’s pissed because she just, like, wanted to even out her tan lines and get blackout on a yacht today, and instead she has to hose off dirty animals—it’s interesting that Ben is always making Lauren do charity-related things, like teach Polish children basketball and play with sea turtles and voluntarily allow her leg to be eaten by rabid swimming pigs.
Mel the sea turtle specialist doesn’t realize we’re in Jamaica and not Australia, which is weird.
Lauren on the sea turtles: “OMG. So adorbs. Is this lunch?”
Ben: “This is just like a whole day of cute—the sea turtles are cute, Lauren is cute, Mel is cute.” –Foreshadowing first fantasy suite menage on The Bachelor.
Ben: “Your sister asked me why I deserved you more than all the other guys you’ve been with. So I started crying.”
Lauren: “Jesus, you’re a pussy.”
Aww, they both think each one is too good for the other. Guys trust me, you’re both voluntarily wading into water that is probs chock full of baby turtle poop, neither of you is reaching.
This date just keeps getting grosser and grosser—after spending the day risking salmonella from touching hundreds of baby turtles without gloves, Ben and Lauren head over to Miss T’s Kitchen, a place that looks like it serves baby turtles for dinner.
Lauren on the day’s activity: “It was definitely much-needed.” Why is releasing sea turtles a ‘much needed’ activity Lauren, it’s not, like, a mani-pedi. Lauren needs her animal activism fix at least once a week.
I’m sorry but Ben literally looks high during all of these deep overnight date conversations, idk if it’s too much island air or he’s channeling some hardcore Rastafarian vibes or what but, like, WAKE THE F*CK UP, MON. Good luck getting it up tonight, Ben, you can barely keep your eyes open at 7p.m.
Lauren: “You are the man of my dreams.”
Ben: **Releases gentle snore**
But THEN, just when we think we’ve lost him, Ben rallies and makes one of the most douche moves I’ve even seen executed on this show: Lauren tells him she loves him and he SAYS. IT BACK.
Ben: “I’VE KNOWN THAT I’VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU FOR A WHILE AS WELL. I LOVE YOU TOO.”
What? WHAT?? First of all, let’s try to quantify “a while”—at this point they’ve known each other for all of about six weeks, so Ben is basically saying “I knew I loved you before I met you”, Savage Garden circa-1999 style. But also, anyone who watches this show KNOWS that the Bachelor/ette isn’t allowed to say that until he or she proposes/accepts a proposal, so Ben is legit breaking the rules right now and also for sure making Lauren think that he’s picked her already. Nawt. Cool.
After Ben’s confession, Lauren practically starts to cry–BECAUSE SHE THINKS SHE’S WON–and her clothes pretty much start falling off of their own volition **Cut to Lauren’s oversexed hormonal teenage brothers fist-bumping in front of the TV**
Morning after: Ben: “Honeeeyyyyy, I’ve got coffee.”
Lauren: “Honeeeyyyyy, I’ve got a gross top knot.”
Oh, yeah, there’s no way in hell Lauren would leave her hair like that if she didn’t think she had this one in the bag. Jesus, she’s one step away from smearing on the pimple cream and wearing the beige laundry-day bra. She probably asked Ben to brush her retainers before they went to sleep.
Meredith Grey Lauren: “Ben is my person.”
DATE WITH JOJO
Honestly still reeling from Ben’s date with Lauren, but defs still focused enough to notice JoJo’s boobs doing a slow-mo jog toward Ben, followed up several minutes later by JoJo herself. MY, OH MY. Someone is bringing out the big guns for the overnight date.
Ben: “JoJo just brings this energy out of me, focused mainly in the crotchal region.”
The date kicks off with a helicopter ride, JoJo’s fifteenth of the season. Now that we know more about JoJo’s background—i.e. that she’s richer than god—I wonder if helicopter rides were requisite in her contract, since, like, she probably took a helicopter to preschool and to the dentist and the park.
JoJo: “I wish I was in your head.”
Ben: “I wish I was in your bosom.”
You’d think with all that mafia money JoJo could afford a bikini that doesn’t look like it’s straight off the clearance rack at Rave.
JoJo’s toying with the idea of telling Ben she loves him, and at first it seems like she might hold back but then, because this is The Bachelor, she cops to it and cops to it hard.
JoJo: “When I think about the future, there’s not a doubt in my mind that I want to spend it with you. I do love you.”
Ben: “I LOVE YOU, TOO.”
What is happening here? I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. Even JoJo knows Ben isn’t allowed to say it back! Ben what is wrong with you? Did you contract Turettes from the baby turtles or something, you literally cannot stop yourself from screaming ILU at everything that moves. Ben is having an out-of-body Oprah Winfrey experience he is just like GIVING these ILUs away.
Obviously JoJo is THRILLED and, like Lauren or really any rationally thinking human, thinks this means he really does love her and has actually picked her already to be his wife, which we know is super not the case. Ben is showing how ready for love he is by saying ILU to anything that moves and then refusing to consider the consequences of this impulsive and possibly harmful action.
JoJo: “Sorry my
handlers brothers were so cray last week. They’re just terrified I’ll come out heartbroken again.”
Ben: “Well if they thought the last guy was bad, wait til they get a load of the bullshit I just pulled here.”
Nothing is going to endear Ben to an overly protective family like a preemptive declaration of love when there’s still a 50-50 chance he won’t end up with her.
Obvs the Fantasy Suite is a given with this whole love thing out in the open, let’s be honest they probably did it by the waterfall already.
JoJo: “I’m definitely excited to talk more about our feelings tonight and definitely at least go to third.”
Morning After: Annnnddddd a hearty hello to nasty top knot #2! This is turning into a competition of which woman lets herself go quicker after Ben says ILU.
Ben: “You’re so cute.”
JoJo: “You’re saying I look cute right now?”
Ben: “No. I meant yesterday.”
I don’t understand the random survival backpack that has landed on Ben’s shoulders and he exits his and JoJo’s love lair, and then somehow disappears by the next shot when we see him walking away. I hope it’s filled with lots and lots of apologies and talking points about what the eff has been going through his head this episode because, Ben, you got some serious ‘splaining to do.
NONE FOR GRETCHEN WIENERS
The only good thing that seems to have come of this perpetual three-little-word vomit is that
Cady Heron Ben has realized the one person he couldn’t say ILU to on the entire island was Caila.
Sea turtles? ILU
Wait staff at Miss T’s Kitchen? ILU
Helicopter pilot? ILU
Random collection of girly v-necks in assorted pastels? ILU
But the idea of saying it to Caila is just, like, NO. So he knows he has to say goodbye and like any guy we thought was normal who is actually turning into a huge douche, Ben seems okay with waiting until the rose ceremony to drop this bomb on poor Caila’s perfectly-curled head.
Of course right at this moment we cut to Caila, who clearly found her uppers in the left zip pocket of her bag and is having a manic day and legit bouncing off the walls as she decides to ‘surprise’ Ben with an impromptu visit to his casa.
Caila: “I love Ben, and I can tell by the way he avoided my eyes all night and didn’t say anything back that he feels the same.” –NO, CAILA. DO NOT GO, CAILA. Poor Caila, she is just throwing herself at Ben with all the enthusiasm and delusion of a puppy who doesn’t realize their new owner is super into canine euthanasia.
First the producers and crew make Puppy Caila follow the trail of bullshit and go on this weird hunt through Ben’s pad as she frantically
sniffs searches for him, she is literally acting like a caricature of a normal person and I don’t understand what is happening. Of course she finds him at last in a solitary wooden deck chair staring contemplatively at nothing because, like, what else would he be doing on his day off in Jamaica?
Ben: “It’s great you came over here but I actually exhausted my ILU quota already so you gotta go.”
Ben: “It’s hard saying goodbye to you.”
Caila: “Funny, seems pretty easy.”
Caila is alternating between this weirdly eerie smile/grimace/laugh and looking freaking pissed. Love that she calls Ben out on giving her a line and stays pretty strong as he walks her back to the car, hate that she then gets OUT of the car to continue an essentially pointless conversation that really had run its course already and just makes this more awkward.
Ben: “I’ll miss so many things about you. I don’t want to make it harder by saying them out loud and also I got nothing, but I really will miss you.”
You can tell Caila is totes devastated and caught off guard by what just happened, but it’s like she’s almost more upset by the fact that her surprise was ruined than that she’s going home. “I just wanted to make a SURPRISE! I had such a fun SURPRISE planned! I could tell when I SURPRISED Ben he just wasn’t into it!” I think the real surprise is going to be when Caila watches this episode back and sees that Ben was tossing around ILUs about as freely as condoms in a high school sex ed class, but still couldn’t bring himself to say it back to her. SURPRISE!!
Caila: “It’s like, I STILL love him.” –Wait WHAT you still love him 10 minutes after he dumped you unexpectedly? Literally the only rational moment Caila has had all season.
Ben: “Right now I have two true loves.” –Clearly no one ever taught Ben the word oxymoron.
Lauren is keeping up with her IDGAF anymore game by showing up to the Rose Ceremony in what looks like a full-out muumuu. This false confidence thing is almost painful to watch—Lauren, put a bra on, it’s actually not over yet. At least JoJo is still keeping up pretenses by wearing a cocktail dress and getting her hair did.
Lauren: “I told Ben he loved me and he said it back.”
**Chris H. nodding as if he’s been kept in the loop while his eyes are glowing bloody murder**
Ben comes out and tells Lauren and JoJo that he’s already sent Caila home, so they’re the only two left standing. They both get roses and then there’s a bunch of super-awkward three-way hugs and toasts and kisses and pats on the back. Ben is ‘so torn’ between Lauren and JoJo, it’s like on one hand Lauren = discounted flights for life but on the other hand JoJo probably = private jet for life so I totally see his dilemma.
The previews make it look like Ben actually won’t be able to choose between Lauren and JoJo, I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen here but Ben you actually can’t have both, that’s just not an option. Clearly someone was never told no as a child.
Ben: “So, just spitballing here… how do you ladies feel about relocating to Utah, in theory?”