This week was everyone’s favorite: HOMETOWNS! Always a lovely opportunity to imagine how the bachelorettes will age and determine who didn’t inherit the family nose got plastic surgery (Amanda and Jojo, lookin’ at you guys).

AMANDA

The episode starts off with Amanda and Ben running into each other’s arms on the beach, a scene worthy of the silver screen (and probably directed like one by the producers). Amanda says today is really important because it’s a chance to show off another one of her off-the-shoulder tops. Oh no, sorry, it’s cause her kids are there. Jk.

Amanda: “I want to be in love with Ben, but I can’t be sure until I know if he can be a good father for my kids. So check back in like 4 hrs and I’ll have a definitive answer.”

Ben asks what Amanda’s kids are like, and she basically tells him that the older one is a brat and the younger one is “shy” aka way too young to be exploited on television.

Amanda: “Their hobbies include long walks on the beach and chasing things.” Precocious kids, those two.

Amanda’s daughters arrive, and I’ll be honest I already forgot their names, but Ben probably did, too, so I don’t feel that bad. They got their hair did for Ben and are looking pretty cute in matching pigtails. You know Amanda called up her mom and was like “THOSE KIDS BETTER LOOK CUTE AF FOR BEN!”

The happy little family spends the day at the beach making octupi in the sand and–well, Amanda said it, chasing things.

Cute shorts, Ben. You totally don’t look like a little boy here.

As days at the beach go, it was a pretty lame one. I don’t blame the little one for crying all the way home. Ben gets out of the car and looks ready to GTFO real quick. Meanwhile, somewhere in Warsaw, Eric, the crying kid from last week, is watching like “that kid’s an amateur, if you’re looking for a real TV-quality tantrum, HMU.”

We meet Amanda’s parents and right away I can tell that Amanda def had a nose job–which doesn’t surprise me since she already admitted to getting regular Botox injections at the ripe old age of 25.

Amanda’s parents want to make sure Ben is ready to be an “insta-dad” to Amanda’s kids so their line of questioning with Ben pretty much revolves around that.

Amanda’s dad: “There are things you don’t have time for when you have kids, like going to the gym with your buddies.”

Ben: “Dude, have you seen me without a shirt on? I don’t spend much time at the gym.”

Ben really loves adjectives that start with the letter A. “Amanda’s kids are AWESOME. Amanda’s kids are AMAZING. Amanda’s kids are ANNOYING AF.”

 

LAUREN B

Lauren B is next up, and my mom, who was watching this with me, had some good comments:

“I don’t like her. She looks like a small animal.”

“Is her bra showing??”

I thought the wardrobe people couldn’t possibly do any worse, but Ben comes out rocking the blazer-over-the-T-shirt look and it is just awful. Why can’t they just dress him in like, NORMAL PEOPLE CLOTHES?

Lauren shows Ben around Portland, which I honestly liked much better when crazy Mandi introduced us to it in the first episode. She’s doing a much better job at keeping Portland weird than Lauren is. Step up your weird game, Lauren.

Lauren tells Ben that Portland is the “City of Roses” and he’s like psh, you’ve got nothing on Warsaw, the orthopedic capital of the world.

Lauren takes Ben to Portland’s food trucks to show him all the food that she eats pretends to eat.

Lauren: “I love butter. I eat it like, once a year!”

Meanwhile, I’m getting really hungry watching them eat all these cheesy bread products.

Ben: “Lauren, I love VD! How did you know?!”

Next, Lauren takes Ben to a “whiskey library” which is actually pretty cool.

My mom: “Did she say libarry? She said LIBARRY!”

Lauren and Ben sit on a couch and pretend to enjoy the whiskey and talk about their feelings and shit. Ben tells Lauren he was worried she would want to leave after the whole “not being herself in front of him” drama that Leah started.

Lauren: “You thought I would want to leave?”

Ben: “Yeah.”

Lauren: “Why?”

Ben: “I mean tbh I’m kinda boring.”

Then we meet Lauren’s family, and is it just me, or do they all look exactly the same? I can’t tell which of Lauren’s parents she looks more like her. We also get to meet Lauren’s dog, the 18-year-old Tessa, who, I’ll be totally honest, is the high point of this episode.

^The eerily-similar-looking “B” fam.

Lauren’s dad says this is the longest time they’ve gone without seeing Lauren. It’s only been a month…isn’t she a flight attendant? And doesn’t she live in California? Jeez Lauren cut the cord you’re supposedly ready to get married and yet you can’t spend more than a month without seeing Mommy and Daddy?

Lauren’s sister (who, if we’re being honest, is a prettier version of her) wants to have a serious talk with Ben. She tells Ben that her sister is an “eligible bachelorette” although if she’s sooo eligible, why did she have to go on television to find love?

Ben realizes that Lauren’s sister isn’t buying what he’s selling so he does what any sensible desperate person on The Bachelor does: cries.

Ben: “There’s something about your sister that I can’t put words to….so i’m going to start crying because I can’t think of anything to say.”

Lauren and her mom are talking about how much she likes Ben.

Lauren’s mom: “Do you think you and compatible?”

Lauren: “Are you asking if i’m in love with Ben?” WTF Lauren she CLEARLY did not ask that, are you deaf?

OMG there was def a moment between Lauren and her sister where it looked like they were going to kiss on the lips. Am I the only one who saw that? Maybe it’s just me, but my sister and I are usually closer to punching each other at the end of our conversations.

Lauren’s dad is just adorable. What a cute little man!

Ben to Lauren’s dad: “Marriage is something that….it means a ton to me.”  For once on this show, I want someone to just be like, “Marriage? Eh, NBD.”

Lauren: “I’m pretty positive that what i’m feeling is real. Like, 70-30. Okay 60-40.”

I was disappointed that we didn’t hear anything from Lauren’s kids brothers, but if you kept watching till the end they showed a deleted scene that is just priceless.

Lauren’s brother: “So next week is fantasy suites. What do you think about that?”

Ben: (awkward pause) “Wait, aren’t you like, 12? You’re too young to be watching this show. It’s PG-13, bro.”

 

CAILA

Ben arrives in Ohio and Caila pulls a Caila, running and jumping into his arms. I’m having serious hair envy with Caila right now. How does she always look like she came straight from a shampoo commercial? If things don’t work out for her in Bachelor Nation, she should try her hand with Pantene.

Caila shows Ben her high school which is honestly nicer-looking than my college, and probably cost more to attend. She takes him to a bench that people used to go to kiss when she was in high school and tells him that she never got the chance to kiss anyone there. I am now picturing Caila as a nerd in a plaid uniform skirt watching the popular kids at the kissing bench from afar.

Then Caila drops the bomb that her dad is Mr. Magorium and is the CEO of a toy company.

But wait, there’s more! They’re going to go and design their own house there! Caila, I think you’re skipping a couple steps, like the part where Ben actually chooses you. This is starting to remind me of the time Whitney took Chris to the fertility lab to “make a baby” and then was like LOL jk and Chris was like “uhhh yeah haha [uncomfortable chuckle].”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Not only are Caila and Ben going to design their house, they’re going to build it in the factory!!!

Ben: “This is one of the coolest things I’ve ever done. We designed a house AND NOW WE’RE BUILDING IT!” Dude, architects do that like, every day. Relax.

I’m not really a fan of their house. Not prime real estate, in my opinion. Jojo is probably going to flip it in a few months.

Ben and Caila make out as the factory workers look on like SMH I am not getting paid enough for this. That’s why they’re clapping as Ben dramatically carries Caila out—they’re so thrilled they’re finally leaving.

Finally, Caila takes Ben to her house which is casually a mansion. Caila’s mom is gorgeous, even with braces, which I thought was scientifically impossible. She made them a huge Filipino feast that looks soooo good, including a noodle dish that “wishes you long life on special occasions.” (Most noodle dishes are not as kind to me.)

Caila’s mom whisks Ben away before he can dig into that delicious-looking food, which is probably for the best since, coming from Warsaw, Indiana, Ben’s palette is probably pretty unsophisticated.

Caila’s mom: “I need to find out more about Ben’s feelings for Caila. Is he really interested in how she thinks and how she feels, or is he just tryna get in her pants?”

Meanwhile, Caila has a heart-to-heart with her dad, Mr. Magorium, who kind of looks like an evil villain when he smiles. She starts telling her dad how much she likes Ben and oh boy, here comes Caila’s weird high pitched voice crying thing. Caila, you better keep that shit hidden from Ben until you get that ring.

Caila’s dad is wearing mustard pants with a light blue shirt. Apparently the expert Bachelor wardrobe department dressed him for this ep, too.

Caila keeps telling us again and again how she can’t let Ben leave without telling him she loves him….and then of course she lets him leave without telling him she loves him.

 

JOJO

Jojo’s date starts off with a stunt that I must say is pretty ridiculous even for this show, which is saying something. Like are we actually supposed to believe that Chad (if that’s even his real name) knew exactly when Jojo would be getting back and timed his flower delivery for it? I know Bachelor Nation isn’t the brightest bunch, but come on, ABC.

Anyways, Jojo apparently isn’t the brightest, either, because it took me way less time to realize that letter wasn’t from Ben. Jojo’s ex “Chad” tells her in the letter that he’s made a lot of “realizations” while she was gone and he still loves her. Jojo is super pissed that she thought she got flowers from Ben and then it turned out they were from Chad. Ugh I just can’t take Chad seriously with a name like Chad.

Jojo thinks it would be a great idea to call up Chad, and what Chad has to say sounds so rehearsed that I’m almost positive he’s just a random actor that ABC hired.

“I literally have gone through so much since you’ve been gone. I now know what love is.”  Deep, Chad. Deep. I also quote Kelly Clarkson when I can’t find the words to express what I’m feeling.

Jojo’s like “Chad we are never ever ever getting back together.”

Ugh Ben’s outfits just keep getting worse and worse!!! What is this zip up sweater zipped up a quarter of the way over a long sleeve shirt bullshit?? Okay, Ben finally took off the zip up sweater, TG.

Jojo tells Ben what happened with the Chadster and he more or less accepts it. This is the first actual deep convo they’ve had since they’ve only technically been on two dates so it’s like, a huge step in their relaysh. Looks like your foolproof plan backfired, Chaddy-o.

Then Jojo takes Ben to what appears to be a small castle. Oh wait….that’s her house. With digs like this, Jojo is putting heir-to-the-toy-company-fortune Caila to shame.

Jojo takes Ben inside and is immediately ambushed by her loud, overbearing family who pretty much ignores Ben. They briefly sit at the dinner table, but Jojo’s family doesn’t waste any time and immediately start bombarding Ben with questions.

Jojo’s brother: “I’d love to say that this guy’s that terrific, but I just genuinely can’t say that.” Yikes, pretty harsh, bro. At the very least one can say Ben is lightyears ahead of Chad on the boyfriend scale.

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Jojo’s brother is named Ben? Like, kinda weird, right? Especially given the fact that her brothers seem to have a creepily intense interest in her love life.

OMG that close up on Jojo’s mom’s face. She overdid it on the Kylie lip kit for SURE.

Jojo’s mom: “You’re not going to get hurt! You’re beautiful!” Sound advice, Mom. Her plastic surgery nightmare face makes it difficult to tell whether or not she’s happy or about to burst into tears.

Jojo: “The only way this is going to work is if I allow myself to just feel.” Yes, Jojo, like Ben said at the beginning of the season, please feel.

Now Ben is having a talk with Jojo’s stern-looking dad, who in my opinion has the voice of Darrell Hammond when he’s doing his Colonel Sanders impression. Meanwhile, Jojo’s asshole brothers basically tell her that Ben’s just not that into her and make her cry. Very protective, brothers. You did a great job at making sure your sister’s feelings weren’t hurt  the episode got good ratings.

Then we find ourselves in the kitchen with Jojo’s brothers and parents—did the producers kidnap Jojo and hold her hostage so she couldn’t prevent this confrontation from happening? Her (probably drunk) brothers are sort of rambling at Ben and telling him that he sucks, and Ben is clearly a little terrified of them. Jojo’s mom takes a big ol’ swig straight from the champagne bottle and is like “I do NOT have enough botox for this shit” and both parents kind of try to smooth over the argument and it somehow fizzles out, but things are not looking good for Jojo at this point.

Jojo walks Ben to the car (why are these walks to the car so awkward for everyone in this episode?) and they sort of talk about how bad things went without actually acknowledging how bad things went.

 

ROSE CEREMONY

Ben says this was the most difficult rose ceremony yet (at least until next week’s rose ceremony, given that he says that EVERY WEEK) but I’m going to go ahead and say that this was the most awkward rose ceremony left. The girls walked in and gave each other pleasant smiles and death glares. Caila was wearing a tablecloth. Everyone was super nervous and tense—even Chris Harrison! The roses go to Lauren, Caila, and…..Jojo. Somewhere in Dallas, Jojo’s mom takes a celebratory swig straight from the bottle.

Ben walks Amanda out and doesn’t really even give her a reason why he’s sending her home, other than that “his relationships with other women progressed more quickly.” Ben, just admit you didn’t want to have to (literally) chase two kids around for the next 16 years. No more octupi sandcastles for you. After Amanda leaves, Ben cries some more—apparently he and Caila not only have their career in common, but they are also both high-pitched voice criers. #soulmates

Next week, we’ll go to yet another tropical island: Jamaica! Can’t wait to see what the Jamaica tourism board has cooked up for us. And it’s time for fantasy suites, gals, so make sure you use protection, because you’re in Zika territory.