Last night’s episode was basically a study in what happens when an early incarnation of the Zika virus attacks all of The Bachelor contestants at once on a Bahamas vaca and turns them into sobbing, paranoid, scheming (I’m looking at you, Leah) shells of their former selves. Pull it TOGETHER, ladies, we’ve got a ways to go and you are literally all falling apart. JK I love it.

As we all know, last week after the parade of snitches basically piloted a small plane skywriting OLIVIA SUX above Ben’s head, he finally pulls her to the side for a chat right before they all head to the Rose Ceremony. All of the other women are super gleeful and convinced that Olivia is on her way out. Becca the Wise is doling out predictions on what might happen—will he take back the rose? Won’t he? Will he lose sight of Olivia because she literally blends right into that disgusting red carpet?—the way a sad Bachelor lifer who used to have a semblance of an actual career might. Oh, wait.

Ben: “The other women say you’re being a meaniepants. ‘Sup with that?”

Olivia a.k.a. Gretchen Wieners: “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me… but I can’t help it that I like to do smart people things like think and read and dance 90% naked for a live audience of the elderly.”

Olivia is under the impression she’s at an adult slumber party where all these grown women want to do is braid each other’s hair and talk about makeup and nails. If I was Olivia, I’d strongly consider being a little less open with my fake boyfriend about the fact that I clearly hold general hygiene and beauty care so low on the priority scale, but then again, by now he’s probably seen her toes.

The fake tears must do Ben in, though, because he gamely accepts this crock of BS and walks Olivia back to the other women. I love that every single woman who was just throwing crazy shade on Olivia is suddenly like “Oh em gee, Olivia, are you OKAY?!?”. Hello pot, it’s kettle, you’re fake as f*ck.

Emily: “Olivia is so fake it’s disgusting” **adjusts silicone breast implants**

All this waste of airspace has accomplished is making Olivia even more confident and overbearing, and also oddly turned her into a street thug. “You want a piece of this, come at me, bro.” Yeeaah, Olivia saying that is about as scary as this situation:

Olivia1

Okay MAYBE that would scare Amanda but really that’s it.

Finally we can move on to see who actually gets axed this week. Ben, in the most generic speech ever: “I enjoy and appreciate each one of you. You are all different. Thank you for being the women you all are. My goal by next week is to learn everyone’s names for real this time.”

Caila, Lauren B., JoJo, Becca, Leah (seriously?), Olivia, Lauren H., and Emily all get roses, so it’s bye bye to Jennifer. I’m honestly sort of surprised, I was thinking she might be the dark horse here but apparently not.

Ben to Jennifer: “You’re going to make a boobs guy very happy. It just so happens I’m an ass man. Sorry it didn’t work out.”

Jennifer goes back to run her small business that can apparently remain fully operable without her for weeks on end, and we’re off to the Bahamas, baby!

Becca’s first impression of the Bahamas: “Water so blue. Sand so white. Me so dull.”

Oh my god, really, another ten minute soliloquy on the size of the beds in their suite? As Chris Harrison would say this is The. Most. Interior. Design, Focused. Season. Ever. Speaking of Chris H., someone looks like he already spent a little too much time soaking up the Bahama sunshine as he introduces the week of dates to the women. He needs to slow it down or by the end of the season Ben might accidentally hand him off to one of the women. “Do you accept this middle-aged bachelor with a receding hairline and creepy smile?”

DATE WITH CAILA

Caila can’t believe her luck that she got chosen for another one-on-one, apparently completely forgetting that her first one-on-one was actually just an excuse for Ben to chill with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. The rest of the women are stunned and po’ed, especially Leah who’s the only one in the group who hasn’t been on some sort of individual date just yet. Leah deals with her feelings super maturely by literally turning away from Ben when he comes to pick up Caila and refusing to meet his eyes #ready4love.

Ben: “Today Caila and I are going deep-sea fishing, one of my favorite activities”—ah, yes, deep-sea fishing, one of Warsaw, IN’s most celebrated pastimes, right up there with harvesting the potato crop and rolling around in bales of hay.

The deep-sea fishing date involves maybe five seconds of Caila squealing and casting a reel, lots of kissing, and lots of cutaways to Leah still sobbing over not getting the one-on-one while Lauren H. tries to comfort her with some well-intentioned but completely incorrect BS like “Maybe he took Caila out today but he’s not sure about her, but he is sure about you.” Really, Lauren H.?

Leah look on the bright side at least you got to avoid making out with a gigantic fish like Caila.

That massive tattoo on Ben’s side literally has more words than any consecutive sentences I’ve heard him speak so far. Turns out it’s a Bible verse: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed — Proverbs 16:3.”

Caila on seeing Ben’s tat: “Omg LOLZ isn’t that from the new Britney song or something?”

On the evening portion of their date, Ben decides he has a problem with Caila being happy all the time and he wants to get to know “all of the layers that make Caila who she is,” i.e. he wants her to have some sobby backstory and cry.

Ben: “Caila, you smile a lot. What I’m saying is you remind me of a vaguely Filipino version of Joy from Inside Out. Can you cry?”

**Caila smiles hugely, awkward silence**

I can cry... tears of Joy
                              I can cry… tears of Joy

Caila then totally calls Ben out for basically forcing her to open up and cry for him, which he vehemently denies but we all know it’s true because he’s been pushing for it the entire time. Jesus Ben why don’t you just punch her in the nose or something, that oughta pull a few tears outta her.

I guess Caila decides that if Ben wants complex, she’s going to give him complex, because she then proceeds to f*ck with him for the next hour and a half about where she stands on their relationship. Somehow she loves him but she also doesn’t feel like she can open up or be truthful with him in any way. She honestly might as well be speaking in tongues for all that Ben is understanding in this conversation.

Caila: Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m about to confuse the crap out of you.

Ben and Caila go back and forth about whether she feels she can really love someone and that she’s worried she’s going to hurt Ben because she knows his greatest fear is ‘being unlovable.’ Bet Ben is wishing for that blissed-out, mindless smile right about now.

Caila: “I know I’m falling in love because you really understand me.”

Ben: “I literally have no idea what the f*ck you’re talking about.”

Caila: “Exactly.”

Ben: “I’m getting to know the real Caila and she’s possibly schizophrenic.”

Ben: “Caila is someone who sat down and really challenged me tonight” –I’m sorry, did you guys like play a game of Jenga together or were you on a date?

I seriously have no idea what the hell happened in this conversation, but somehow Ben winds up feeling ‘resolved’ and gives Caila the date rose, saying that in one of the ‘weirdest ways possible’ this was one of the best dates of his life. Proof to ladies everywhere that if you just combine enough words into a variety of sentences for long enough, you will ultimately overwhelm your partner enough to get what you want.

GROUP DATE

Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., and Leah—much to her chagrin—are picked for the group date, which reads “Love is unpredictable.” What is absolutely predictable is that Leah will go on this date even as she pretends like she’s not going to go, because 1) She’s despo and 2) She’s on a reality dating show.

The date starts off as just a chill day on a boat until they approach ‘Ben’s private island’ and suddenly are attacked by a clan of swimming pigs, which Ben thinks is hilarious and the women are either pissed off about or terrified of.

Amanda: “The pigs are so aggressive, especially the bigger ones.” Wait, no, Amanda, are you saying that the pigs’ force is directly proportional to their size? And you thought you needed to resort to a career in beauty care!

Honestly this would have been like Farmer Chris’s wet dream.

Shockingly the women being chased around by a horde of pigs doesn’t get them in a relaxed, romantic mood, and the rest of the date is spent with Ben in various awkward situations as he repeatedly tries and fails to corner the women for intimate moments and hookup sessions. Maybe the awareness that there’s probably ten tons of pig feces floating in this water isn’t exactly putting these women in the right frame of mind for an afternoon delight, Ben.

Then he gets all pouty that the women aren’t flinging pig poo themselves at him. Ben: “I feel uncomfortable now. Not an hour ago, when I was willingly allowing myself to be molested by a giant swimming pig, but now. Right now.”

Not sure why Ben is convinced JoJo should get more than anyone else how it can be awkward to have to divide your time among multiple admirers simultaneously. Maybe he’s confusing her with JoJo the singer?

Leah wisely decides she wants to snag Ben before her hair dries and frizzes, so she takes the opportunity to snatch him away from being completely on his own in the water. She then makes really productive use of her time by immediately starting to cry over the fact that he took Caila on a second one-on-one before taking her on any individual dates. Her rant is broken up with lots of pig snorting in the background which is hilarious. Oink Oink.

Ben: “You may not have gotten a one-on-one with me, but I just set you up on a five-on-one with a bunch of potentially e.Coli-ridden farm animals. Make the best of it.”

After hopefully some very long showers and an extensive delousing, the women gather for the evening portion of the date. Unsurprisingly, Leah doesn’t feel ‘resolved’ from her and Ben’s exchange earlier, but apparently is resolved to up her group date game with a frightening nighttime lip color in a shade that can only be described as Puce. Hawt.

Ben recapping the group date: “It was awkward, hard, confusing at times”—Ben did something more happen between you and the pigs than you’re letting on?

Tonight Ben a.k.a Captain Needy is going to take all the women to the side and whine about how he felt neglected today. He starts with Becca, saying he felt she was being standoffish. Ben she was probably too busy running for her life to be worried about making small talk or flashing her bikini boobs at you. But she manages to reassure him and then Amanda does important rehab work as well, using her endearing signature combination of off-the-shoulder ensemble and baby voice to insist she loves spending time with Ben and had fun today. Amanda, Mother of Pigs.

Just when we think the women might have succeeded in re-inflating Ben’s ego, here comes Leah, continuing to make good choices and use her time to get closer to Ben by throwing shade on Lauren B. WHAT? This is totally out of left field as Lauren B. actually seems pretty genuine and sweet. Leah has nothing real to say about her and just casts vague accusations about her character.

Ben: “What do you mean when you say Lauren B. shows a different side to herself in the house?”

Leah: “Well, like, she only asks the other girls if they want peanuts or pretzels, not me, and she totally wrote all over my copy of Skymall.”

Despite the complete absurdity and obviously underlying desperation behind these ‘accusations’, of course Ben takes the bait and brings this right to Lauren B., who proceeds to be completely taken aback and pretty pissed off. She stutters out something about how she can’t answer that since she has no idea where it’s coming from, and then she heads back to the other ladies and proceeds to start sobbing. GASP, Leah pretends to be SHOCKED by this information and openly lies, she’s like “I would never be the type of person to bring someone up to Ben—except when I did it five minutes ago.” OMG, LEAH.

The group date rose goes to Amanda, and poor Lauren B. is sitting there looking not unlike the pig friends they all made earlier today, with her eyes and nose all swollen and red from crying. In the meantime, Leah decides she’s going to need to do something more extreme to get Ben’s attention and lock her shit down, so I’m thinking that means either offing all of the other women in the middle of the night or, like, finding an adapter so she can use her hair straightener.

THE LEAH THING

Mmmhmm, so I was right about the hair straightener.

Leah decides there’s so much more Ben needs to know about her, like that she’s a backstabbing lying skank, so the right move here is definitely to invade his personal space at night and throw Lauren B. under the bus again, this time full force. So as the crack detective team of Amanda, Emily, and Lauren B. slowly reach the conclusion that Leah was actually the Brutus of the group date, Leah is putting on a ridiculously obvious cutout top and tiny shorts and flouncing over to Ben’s pad.

Ben just happens to be casually lounging on a settee when Leah shows up, he’s like just lolling his head from side to side. Why isn’t he doing anything? Do they not have Netflix in the Bahamas?

Sucks that Leah is probably the last person he wants to see, but there she is. As soon as she sits down she’s like “I’m not here to sabotage anyone but Lauren B. basically said she’d be chill with it if you ended up with Amanda” and on and on and ON. You can see Ben completely zone out and he’s just waiting for her to stop talking for a second so he can send her ass home.

Which he does, finally. Ben: “I won’t ever forget you because there was a spark the first night, Jubilee—shit sorry I mean Leah.”

Somehow Leah is shocked that acting like a jealous bitch didn’t make Ben want her and instead she’s getting sent home. Leah, Ben is so not a fool for letting you go, it’s literally the smartest move he’s made all season. I’m only sad we didn’t get to see any confrontation play out between Leah and Lauren B., but hey, that’s what the Women Tell All is for.

TWO-ON-ONE WITH OLIVIA AND EMILY

Olivia is going into today’s date with tons of confidence, while Emily is terrified but, like Erin Brockovitch Barbie, also emboldened by the fact that she’s crusading on behalf of all the other women who have been wronged here. Literally Emily is the only one we haven’t seen Olivia interact with whatsoever, but sure.

Olivia: “This is our story and it’s been pretty much all about me manipulating the shit out of Ben and trying to hide my physical abnormalities. It’s been beautiful so far.”

Love that these two are physically turned away from each other in the car ride over to Ben, what about a quick round of ‘I Spy’ or something to ease the tension?

What’s decidedly not beautiful today is the weather in the Bahamas, the storm that was brewing last night is now out in full force and it looks like the boat they all get on is going to tip right over. Luckily the distributed weight from the women’s respective cleavages on display evens things out.

Ben: “Whoever can make it to the island without vomiting gets the rose.”

They make it to dry land and Ben immediately whisks Olivia away so he can hear her talk about herself some more.

Olivia: “Deep intellectual things are my jam.”

Ben: “Like what?”

Olivia: “F*ck, was not expecting you to follow up on that. Oh, look over there, a swimming pig!”

Having run low on the mental list she took down of ‘things smart people say’, Olivia goes for broke and tells Ben she’s in love with him, so pretty much the opposite of things smart people who want to stay on the Bachelor at this stage say. Everyone knows pre-emptive love declarations are the kiss of death, like throwing other contestants under the bus or wearing a one-piece—so Olivia is basically three for three.

Next Ben talks with Emily, or should I say the curtain of hair that keeps obscuring Emily’s face. I feel bad for her until I notice the hair tie on her wrist. Emily, use the ponytail, there’s no way your ears are that bad. There’s a legit hurricane happening but Ben wants to stay outside on the off chance Emily’s bikini top flies off.

I feel like that shredded piece of cloth Emily wraps around her shoulders is doing wonders for keeping her warm and protected from the sixty mile-per-hour winds.

After the heartfelt and desperate pleas from each of the women, Ben drags Olivia off to the side holding the rose—only to tell her he can’t reciprocate her feelings and give her the rose today and is going to have to say goodbye. Plot twist!

Ben to Emily: “I don’t want to stop this journey with you, Emily, at least until you let me find out whether those things are real.”

Needless to say, Emily is thrilled she finally defeated big, bad Olivia, who sort of just looks sad and pathetic as Emily and Ben climb into the boat, leaving Olivia behind to… die? What happens to her from here? At least give this chick a volleyball so she has someone to talk religion and politics to.

OliviaVolleyball
 Volleyball, do you like smart person things, too?

COCKTAIL PARTY (OR LACK THEREOF) & ROSE CEREMONY

Ben is still so mindf*cked from that earlier conversation with Caila that he decides he just can’t handle a cocktail party tonight, so of course tonight is the night that every single woman has something super important to ‘discuss’ with him.

Lauren B. needs to calm the hell down, no way she’s going home he’s obsessed with her. She does however need to handle the oily chin situation she’s got going on at the rose ceremony STAT.

Caila, Amanda, Emily, Becca, JoJo, and Lauren B. all nab roses, so it’s sayonara to Lauren H., who probably goes home because Ben decides he can only have one perpetually happy person in the group and Caila’s voice is less annoying.

Lauren H.: “It’s so hAAAAAArd to find love. It’s nAAhhhhhtttt hAAAAppenninggg and I don’t know whYYYYYY.” –I do.

Ben really takes the whole ‘walking out’ thing very literally, I don’t think he’s said more than ‘Bye’ to one woman who he’s walked out so far.

Hope they wait for the hurricane to die down before Lauren H’s plane takes off.

The sneak peek for the rest of the season looks amaze, replete with everyone sniveling everywhere and wiping their eyes a lot—yuck, I hope there’s a religious hand-washing policy in the house or we could be staring down the barrel of a rampant case of Bachelor Mansion pink-eye.

Ben doesn’t seem to be able to make a decision between whoever the two final women are, and Chris H. says: “Ben, what you’re contemplating right now will change everything” —is Ben the new Caitlyn Jenner? Keep tuning in to find out!