This week was essentially a case study in what happens when you take a bunch of giggling idiots to Las Vegas and ask them to act out the lyrics to the Katy Perry song, minus the gambling.
Just another morning in Bachelor Manse with the ladies lolling around and sharing some deep observations: Lauren H. asserts that there are NOT a lot of women left, demonstrating those ace Kindergarten-level counting skills, and Caila openly admits that she can’t tell the diff between Emily/Haley. Admittedly she’s not alone.
Finally Chris Harrison comes into the room and tells the ladies that they’re off to the
blackout marriage capital of the world: LAS VEGAS. I’m sorry, did I hear Vegas and everyone else heard St. Tropez? The way these women are all literally shrieking with excitement, you’d have no idea that their “exotic and exclusive” destination is literally spitting distance from where they’re living and also filled with sad gambling addicts and soft-core porn posing as entertainment. This is literally one step above a field trip to In ‘N Out Burger.
Shocked ABC sprung for the airfare to Vegas and didn’t just put them on a school bus.
Emily/Haley: “We can’t wait to go home to Vegas and show everyone the casino where we went to elementary school and learned how to pole dance!”
Showing the ladies how much they mean to him, Ben writes a super personal message to the group on a giant billboard cast to the entire Las Vegas strip. SOOO romantic.
Olivia: “I’m so zen with Ben” —Immediately following a 5 minute preview of her completely losing her shit and preceding some sort of banshee squawk when Ben comes to pick up JoJo. Namaste.
DATE WITH JOJO
I’m telling you, Ben is totally trying to kill JoJo—first he took her up to the roof of a building the night he kissed her, now she just “happens” to wind up in the destructive windpath of a helicopter? Apparently this near-death experience is an aphrodisiac because they start hooking up like as they’re crouching on the ground to take cover from the giant table and champagne glasses that are flipping over.
JoJo totally shows Lauren B. up from last week on flight etiquette by not freaking the f*ck out that she’s in the air and also knowing to move the mouthpieces aside so they can make out the whole time without knocking headsets.
This is the shortest Bachelor date I’ve ever seen, probably so to carve out more time for Olivia’s meltdown later on. After the helicopter ride we go right to dinner and the big reveal about JoJo’s deep, dark “past”: she dated a guy for a little while and then got dumped. JoJo that’s not a “past” that’s a Tuesday.
Ben is super floored by this huge revelation but also tells her to GTF over it because it’s tots not a big deal and it happened five months ago. PHEW, glad she got that earth-shaker out of the way early on.
JoJo: “When my BF broke up with me I became insecure and also decided to cancel any standing eyebrow waxing appointments for the foreseeable future.”
Ben: “You might want to reschedule those.”
After their heart-wrenching convo, Ben leads JoJo up to another roof—I’m TELLING you guys he’s trying to kill her—for a fireworks display. Of course all of the other women just happen to be gathered on the couch staring out the window at the EXACT moment the fireworks start, and somehow this group of women who completely lost their shit over a double bathroom sink immediately intuit that this must be for Ben & JoJo.
Picking up the batshit crazy baton that Lace dropped when she was outtie last week, Olivia decides to feel cheated on because Ben is on a date with someone else on a reality dating show. Tots.
Amanda, Jubilee, Caila, Lauren B., Amber, Haley, Emily, Leah, Lauren H., Jennifer, Rachel, and Olivia are picked for the group date with Ben, which turns out to be the Bachelor group date signature specialty: embarrassing themselves in front of a large crowd of innocent onlookers.
Shocker that Amber is the first one to launch herself at Ben today when she sees him, gahh I can smell the desperation from here.
Lauren H. the kindergarten teacher sees a theater and immediately assumes they’re going to be wearing nipple tassels—I’m so pleased she’s been tasked with educating America’s youth.
Having blown the celeb budget on Kevin Hart & Ice Cube early on, ABC digs around the bottom of the D-list barrel and comes up with Terry Fator (who??) as the “celebrity guest” for this group date.
Terry Fator: “Ladies, I can do impressions of singers through puppets without moving my lips—you might think they’re talking, but really it’s me. Isn’t that neat??” –LOLZ that Terry Fator totally knows this group will have no idea what the word “ventriloquist” means.
Since there’s no way any of these women would actually prove useful at assisting Terry Fator with his real show, he has to come up with a lame-ass “talent show” opening act for them to perform that night in front of the audience. We get a sneak peek at Emily/Haley obviously having a secret knack for Irish step-dancing, Jubilee playing the cello but then also hula hooping (AND she can shoot a gun—hello, triple threat), and the rest of the women being good at absolutely nothing.
Olivia has no idea what her talent is going to be, but somehow it’s going to require a red-sequined showgirl outfit. She can always just switch “talent” out for Coney Island Circus Sideshow and show off her toes, if she’s in a bind.
Turns out the “audience” is a full house of 80-year-olds who were probably promised Early Bird Special coupons at the Tacos El Gordo down the block if they sat and smiled along for the women’s “performance”. These people literally have no idea what the Bachelor is and also possibly can’t hear, which really can only be considered a small kindness in this case.
The most exciting thing about this poor excuse for a talent show is the rack on Vicki the puppet, whose knockers are giving Jennifer a run for her money. Emily/Haley’s Irish steppin’ is pretty solid and also the most covered up I’ve seen them all season. Then follows a mix of sad/slutty adult clowns juggling (Lauren B.), balloon-making (Rachel, can’t imagine why she’s unemployed), and general “clowning around” by Leah that I have too much self-respect to even describe here.
Lauren H. decides that if nipple tassels aren’t on the table she might as well go to the other extreme and be as unappealing as humanly possible, so she puts on a yellow feathered chicken suit and performs a horribly Michigan-accented rendition of Old McDonald.
Lauren H., to the tune of Old McDonald: “I’m on crack if I think Ben’s going to find this hawt, H-A-W-T hawt.”
But just when we think things couldn’t possibly get any less sexy, Olivia pops out of a giant cake and commences the MOST awkward, LEAST attractive ‘dance’/ bodily seizure I’ve ever seen. Everything is a’floppin and a’flapping and a’wigglin about, all accompanied by that creepy huge smile she does whenever she’s trying to be cute, or in this case a Vegas stripper.
The worst moment is when she ventures into the audience and flops up to a horrified-looking Ben. This is like watching Satine and Christian in Moulin Rouge, if Satine had absolutely no rhythmic talent or sex appeal whatsoever and Christian wanted to be as far away from her as possible.
Lauren H., to the tune of Old McDonald: “Olivia is so f*cked right now, F-*-C-K f*cked.”
I think it becomes pretty clear to Olivia immediately that her routine didn’t quite come off the way she intended it to, because she goes for Standard Bachelor Trope #3: when all else fails, feign a panic attack.
To be fair, ALL the ladies are throwing shade on Olivia’s moves, especially for some reason Amanda, whose talent we didn’t even see because it’s hard to perform “shitty mom” in a 2-minute onstage segment.
Olivia: “I just realized I embarrassed myself on national TV”—what do you think the last 3 weeks have been?
If nothing else, Rachel might have discovered there is a career in her future after all as she randomly turns into a triage nurse and sees Olivia through her “attack”. Not that I think this is real in any way, but if it was I’m not sure the woman with virtually zero marketable or employable skills would be the one I’d choose to be behind a locked door with as I struggle to breathe. Just thinking out loud, here.
Olivia’s upset because Ben only gave her a pity hug after she pranced around in public looking like Fawkes the phoenix from Harry Potter. What, Ben, you didn’t want to jump those bones after Olivia’s stirring performance? Are you even into women? Or giant birds?
Olivia: “I don’t feel like my costume screamed marriage material” –nobody assigned you that costume, Olivia, you chose it yourself. But while we’re on the subject, no, unless Ben wants to be wedded to a deranged, gigantor version of an Angry Bird, you’re correct, your costume did not in fact scream marriage material.
THE REST OF THE GROUP DATE
Always a good sport, Ben decides to join the ladies in the ‘embarrassing costume’ department by wearing a super-fem leather jacket for part 2 of the group date.
Caila is soo used to being spoiled on a one-on-one, i.e. sharing her time with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart. She must realize that without her two trusty buffers, she and Ben have literally nothing in common since she resorts to kissing Ben within two minutes of being alone with him. Ben doesn’t seem to mind, although I think he and I associate different meanings to “sex panther”. Caila is about as much a sex panther as Bagheera from The Jungle Book.
Lauren H. continues to channel her inner Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher, calling poor Terry Fator’s puppet “little Ben” with a subtext that has all the subtlety of a stampeding elephant, and then literally hooking up with “little Ben” until big Ben has pity on her and gives her an actual kiss. You guys, seriously, is there a waiting list for this teacher’s kindergarten class because I am dying to get my own little one on it ASAP, I need this woman to continue molding young minds. Also you just know Terry Fator is off-camera right now freaking the f*ck out because Ben and Lauren H. are molesting his puppet.
Olivia/Fawkes continues to go up in flames right before our eyes, now she has HIVES because of how nervous she is about the Ben situation. To recap where we’re at on the CDC Diseases & Conditions A-Z Index with Olivia, we’ve so far managed to isolate the following:
1) Gross toes
4) Generally flat/greasy hair
5) Panic attack disorder
It’s honestly a miracle she can make it out of bed in the morning with all of these ailments. I hope her old newsanchor job had a generous sick day policy.
Ben & Olivia have a super awkward convo where it’s pretty obvious he’s experiencing PTSD from her performance and can barely look at her. He’s literally staying as far away from her as possible and also so awkward when she insists she did a bad job, you can see the little bobblehead inside him nodding vehemently while outside he tries to play it cool and diplomatic. Understandably their talk leaves Olivia still feeling unsettled, which she deals with very maturely by stuffing her fingers in her mouth for an extended period of time, stuffing her face with mini-apps from the table, and then stuffing her (proverbial) foot in her mouth when she pulls Ben away for a second time so he can lie through his teeth again and tell her she did a good job.
Ben: “I wish I had a lot of roses but I just have the one and also I’m super turned off by all of you right now except Lauren B., so… Lauren B.!”
DATE WITH BECCA
Becca gets the next one-on-one, and also scores the requisite wedding-themed date. Perhaps a nod to how close she came last time to getting a ring OR a nod to her V-card, which is still intact per Jubilee, who honestly probably wrestled her to the ground so she could check.
Jubilee: “If Becca hasn’t given it up in 26 years, I don’t think the next 6 hours are going to make a difference.”
Squealing Women: “Oh-em-geeee Bex you’re in a wedding dress, how do you feel?”
Becca: “Like I just got vommed on by the 60% off sale at David’s Bridal, gross.”
Becca: “It’s been different for me this season because Ben is hot as balls and Chris was fugly.”
Becca’s soo excited when she thinks Ben is actually going to propose to her, but at the last minute he changes tack and tells her that they’re not getting married, but they’re going to marry other people.
Becca: “You’re going to make me stand around and watch 10+ other couples take vows and get married when that’s been my single primary objective for the past two years as I’ve vied in multiple versions of this shitty reality competition to find the one?! Best. Date. Ever.”
Ben demonstrates how seriously he takes this whole ordainment thing by suddenly looking like he hasn’t showered for three weeks and letting Becca read the hard parts of the ceremony.
Ben: “Becca, how do you pronounce this word… churish? Chardish?”
Nothing like watching a parade of shotgun and green card weddings to really get two people in the mood for romance.
As if this date hasn’t been enough of a buzzkill, Ben brings Becca to the “neon museum” for the evening, a place where Vegas signs literally go to die.
Becca: “I totally didn’t know this place existed!”
Ben: “That’s because it sucks. But we blew the Vegas budget on Terry Fator.”
Tonight Ben really wants to ask the tough questions, like is Becca actually a cover for C-3PO.
Ben: “Can Becca feel? Can she love? Can she give me oral and technically stay a virgin?”
It’s pretty obvious that Becca is more into Ben at this point than she was with Chris right before he was going to propose, so that’s something. There’s a lot of talk about morals and religion and beliefs and I’m like is this the Bachelor or a C-Span interview. We eventually get back on track though with some cheesy/kitschy vows they make to each other, Ben promises to keep taking Becca to sucky date locations and to get tested for HPV before they do it for the first time, and Becca promises to get some tips from Jennifer before Fantasy Suites.
SURPRISE TWO-ON-ONE WITH EMILY & HALEY
Chris Harrison surprises Emily/Haley with a two-on-one date the morning of the rose ceremony so Ben can finally decide which one’s name he’s going to learn and keep around. The other surprise here (although not such a surprise) is that these two look positively ghastly and vaguely albino without makeup on.
Emily/Haley: “Oh my gosh, I think we’re going… yep, take a left at the 7-11 and pull into the Hooters on your right…ahh, we’re HOME!”
Emily really wants Ben to see her as an individual, that’s why she chose to come on a dating show with her identical twin sister. I think Haley just wants to stay on the show for as long as possible so her mom can’t pimp them out for public appearances at the local mall.
Seriously, that mom, though. It’s really difficult to see where Emily/Haley got their penchant for frosty blonde hair and incessant need for attention from.
Ben is so nervous for today because he’s attracted to them both (shocker, they look EXACTLY alike) and wishes there was a How to Date Twins on a Reality TV Show for Dummies book out there. But there isn’t, so after two very lackluster conversations with both girls Ben suddenly remembers that the one with the bum thumb is Emily and chooses her.
I feel so bad for Haley, you just know her mom is going to refuse to feed her dinner tonight because she got kicked off the show.
COCKTAIL PARTY/ ROSE CEREMONY
The cocktail party is a lot of the girls posturing for Ben’s attention and needing reassurance from him, gawd how exhausting. Jennifer ‘steals’ Ben right off the bat but, after she’s done crowing about what a coup that was for her, realizes she has absolutely nothing to do or say to him. Luckily Crazy Olivia is back in full force and gives them about three minutes together before she interrupts.
Olivia: “I might not be good at jumping out of a cake but I’m really good at eating cake.”
Ben: “This is doing wonders for making me attracted to you again.”
Olivia thinks she and Ben are all good because she tells him she loves him, thereby completing the Holy Trinity of Bachelor Missteps (1—Unsexy behavior; 2—Eating a shitload on camera; 3—Pre-emptive love declaration) and he’s giving her a “happy smile” back, okay literally he’s grimacing and looks constipated. JoJo thinks Olivia is insane for telling Ben she loves him so early on, but Olivia knows what she’s just done is both normal and rational because she reads a lot of romance novels.
…And turns out she’s right, because Ben keeps her around while Rachel and Amber bite it this week. Rachel’s going home to a rich life of… absolutely nothing. She should take some time to really explore herself, figure out what she wants to do with her life and also grow eyebrows.
Amber totally breaks down after Ben sends her home and everyone is just standing around watching her take her shoes off, so awk. Next is going to come the weave, then the face mask. “AMBER ANGRY. AMBER SMASH AND BASH.”
Ooohh, and in continuing lower-third income destinations, next week we’re off to Mexico City! Jubilee’s acting erratic, Olivia targets Amanda for being a teen mom, and the ladies pretending that ‘fashion week’ in Mexico isn’t just a day where everyone wears shoes. Yay! Until next time!