What 2015 reflections? It’s Bachelor prediction time, ya’ll!

Here at XOXO, we’re all about priorities. Soooo, long list of what we did well this past year (everything) and what we can aspire to for the year to come (continue being perfect and also score tickets to the Adele concert), or predictions for the next season of The Bachelor, featuring the delicious Ben Higgins and kicking off on ABC this Monday night?!

You know us too well.

So here we go! We dissect for you the good, the bad, and the fugly of the new crop of sheep ladies vying for Bachelor Ben’s heart this season. Who will triumph, and who will go home in a puddle of her own tears? Read below to find out our predictions for all the drama to come!

Note: Our ranking system is super sophisticated. We’ve basically divided the contestants into four categories: First Night Knockoffs, Short Term Flings, Going the Distance, and Finish Line Potential. Get it? Good!

Some general trends we noticed throughout the Dating Pool:

  • everyone’s favorite movie is The Notebook (so original)
  • having ombre hair is now one of ABC’s strongly recommended traits for Bachelor contestants
  • Jesus and pizza is a popular fantasy dinner guest/dinner combo
  • if you’re not skilled at a professional level with a curling iron, then you can’t sit with us at Bachelor mansion
  • Lauren is the new black

 


Let the judging begin:

AMANDA

Apart from the fact that her hometown of Rancho Santa Margarita sounds like a holiday drink special offered on Ladies’ Night only at your local dive bar, the only other thing that makes this blondie stand out is the fact that she’s a mother of two. Oh, and that she gets Botox at the ripe old age of 25. Casual. 

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Going the Distance

 

AMBER

You might recognize Amber from her stint on the show for a hot second during Chris Soules’s season, before she got the boot; then, she reappeared on Bachelor in Paradise for another hot second before she got kicked off again. Not a great track record going into this season! We’re skeptical.

Let’s hope Amber finds something closer to paradise this season…

Survey says:

Elana: First Night Knockoff

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

BECCA

BEX IS BACK, ALL RIGHT! Our favorite from Farmer Chris’s season, Bex gained the adoration of females everywhere with her distinctly unimpressed, IDGAF persona. She was Chris’s clear first choice until she was openly like, I’m just not that into you, bro. Will Bachelor Ben have better luck? We think he just might!

This beach babe is ready to find love (with someone who doesn’t live in Iowa)

Survey says:

Elana: Finish Line Potential

Becky: Finish Line Potential (wishful thinking? perhaps, but I’VE GOT FAITH!)

 

BREANNE

When asked in her bio how she would approach a man, Breanne says by “smizing”–i.e., smiling with her eyes. Let’s hope that’s the complete opposite of what she’s doing in this disturbing headshot photo. Also, what is with that top? That ruffle neck looks like it’s straight out of the Victorian era.

I just rly want to find love, u no?

I just rly want to find love, u no?

Survey says:

Elana: First Night Knockoff

Becky: First Night Knockoff

 

CAILA

We can forgive this cutie for the absolutely ridiculous spelling of her first name because she’s totes adorbs, actually seems to possess a brain, and has the same career as Bachelor Ben! Software Sales Reps FTW! 

Survey says:

Elana: Finish Line Potential

Becky: Finish Line Potential

 

EMILY

Ermagerd, ABC managed to find two identical twins despo enough to go on the show and compete against each other for the same man! And I thought things were bleak when my sister and I wanted to wear the same shirt in high school. This sitch has mega-drama potential, but we think that’s pretty much all there is here. 

Direct quote from Emily: "Be mysterious and also just really dress to impress! It’s more important to dress well and look classy and act classy."

Direct quote from Emily: “Be mysterious and also just really dress to impress! It’s more important to dress well and look classy and act classy.” Classy, indeed.

Survey says:

Elana: First Night Knockoff

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

HALEY

When your occupation is ‘Twin’, something just isn’t right. We know Haley is a serious soul, because “being married is a huge deal” to her. Because to the rest of the population it’s like, totes casual. She’s so unique! (Besides the whole identical twin thing…)  It’s also important to note that one of Haley’s all-time favorite movies is We Bought a Zoo. ‘Nuff said.

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

IZZY

We have a lot of beef with this chick. First of all, that smirk can only be up to no good. Second, Izzy’s memory of a “family vaca” is chartering a private yacht around the Virgin Islands for 10 days. WUT? My most memorable family vaca was puttering around Western Pennsylvania with four of us squeezed into the back of a minivan. Rich bitch alert. Third, she only made it through 150 pages of 50 Shades, and then she just saw the movie. Um, hello, COMMITMENT issues, anyone?!

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: First Night Knockoff

 

JACKIE

Mad eyebrow envy here, you guys. We think this chica sounds super chilled out and down for all sorts of adventures, except when she’s doing her gerontologist thing, which basically means studying old people to see how they age (thnx, Wikipedia). Hey, live your truth, girl. 

Survey says:

Elana: Going the Distance

Becky: Finish Line Potential

 

JAMI

We can thank Kaitlyn Bristowe for this little gem from up North–Jami and the former Bachelorette are apparently BFF, which is what could have scored Jami a spot on this season. I died that she described herself as an inexperienced lover in her bio–nothing like a little bit of honesty! Could we be looking at another V-card holder for this season? She might be a match made in heaven for Ben, who we know from Kaitlyn’s season at least seems virginal, and Pure-as-the-Driven-Snow Becca might have some competition…

Kaitlyn had to make sure someone was reppin' Canada this season

Kaitlyn had to make sure someone was reppin’ Canada this season

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Going the Distance

 

JENNIFER

Apart from appearing distinctly uncomfortable in her headshot and bearing a slight resemblance to Rachel Weisz, the most exciting thing about this contestant is the animal she’d choose to be, if given the option: a dolphin, since “they’re the only mammals to have sex for pleasure!” Get it, girl. 

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Going the Distance

 

JESSICA

The fact that Jessica looks like the sort of mean/hot/popular girl who would have tripped me in the lunchroom in high school makes me simultaneously want to hate her and throw my support behind her so she’ll be my friend. So, IDK. 

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

JOJO

Her idol is TayTay Swift, her ideal dinner party guests are her deceased grandfather, Ellen DeGeneres, and Jesus (in that order), and if she could be any fruit or veg she’d be a tomato, so she could be “both”. Oh, and she’s wearing a tie-shirt circa 1997. As the real JoJo would say: “Get out (leave)! Right now (go)!”

Survey says:

Elana: First Night Knockoff

Becky: First Night Knockoff

 

JUBILEE

Badass alert! Don’t let the whimsical name fool you: this contestant spent 4.5 years on active duty in the U.S. military. Better not piss her off.

Survey says:

Elana: Going the Distance

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

LACE

Gah! It’s Crazy Eyes Kelsey from Chris Soules’s season’s distant cousin, Crazy Eyes Lace! Run, Ben, run!! This girl’s most embarrassing moment also involves fecal matter. Enough said.

The resemblance is uncanny

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Short Term Fling

*Spoiler alert* for a sneak peek at Crazy Lace’s first one-on-one interaction with Bachelor Ben, click here.

 

LAURA

Oh, hey, Emma Stone, what are you doing on the show? But for realsies, this one seems super sweet and down to earth. Plus I feel for her, with the whole rice allergy and all. As if being a ginger isn’t marginalizing enough.

Survey says:

Elana: Going the Distance

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

LAUREN #1–“LB”

The first of four (!) Laurens and the second to want to be a dolphin, this fashion buyer from Oklahoma alludes to having an ‘ex’, so we know there’s some story there. She also complains of always being cold, which generally is what happens when you look like you have 0% body fat and that a good stiff wind would blow you right over. Gain a few LBs, LB. We’re also not thrilled that she’s trying to be like the new LC (a la Lauren Conrad). Stop trying to make LB happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Survey says:

Elana: First Night Knockoff

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

LAUREN #2–LAUREN B.

LB #2’s dream job is to be the First Lady, so she can see the life of a president (i.e. wear designer shit and be constantly followed by the paps) but “not actually be the president. Way too stressful.” One giant leap backwards for women everywhere. 

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Going the Distance

 

LAUREN #3–LAUREN H.

I will distinguish this Lauren from the others by her insanely fab hair. Also, by her response to “Where do you see yourself in five years?” On her bio: “Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML.” Blunt, honest, and voicing what every 25-year-old in America currently ponders on a daily basis. Love. And she’s a kindergarten teacher, and we all know how Ben loves kids–remember that adorable scene from Kaitlyn’s season?

Survey says:

Elana: Going the Distance

Becky: Going the Distance

 

LAUREN #4–LAUREN R.

Our final Lauren may or may not have fallen prey to the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge. Lauren R., like her friend Jojo, would also invite Jesus to her imaginary dinner party and would also order pizza, and if she could be anyone in the universe–literally anyone–she would choose to be her future self. At least she’s not self-absorbed!! 

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

LEAH

She wants to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid, she’s in the process of having two tattoos lasered off (Ben, can you help me change my bandages? Sexxayyy), and she has blonde hair and black eyebrows. To top it all off, for her headshot photo, she chose this heinous purple pantsuit. No thanks, blond Barney. 

Survey says:

Elana: First Night Knockoff

Becky: Short Term Fling

 

MAEGAN

This self-professed cowgirl hails from Weatherford, TX… and speaking of weathered, jiminy christmas: looks like someone has spent a leeeeetle too much time under that Texan sun. 30 is the new 45, for cowgirls. Yeehaw. Fun fact about Maegan: she has a mini horse, who may or may not make a surprise cameo on the show…

Lil’ Sebastian? Is that you???

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: First Night Knockoff

 

MANDI

Mandi is a dentist, and also quite obviously a recipient of some very poor breast implants: you could drive a Mack truck in the valley between those babies! Also, dead giveaways that she doesn’t list her hooters under her three best attributes. Ooookay, “legs for days.” If Mandi could be any animal, she would be a free range chicken–so apparently she’s not looking to live for very long. But at least she would “lay delicious eggs.” 

*Spoiler alert* Mandi describes herself as “do what I want, opinionated” which is clear from the sneak peek from above featuring the lovely Crazy Lace.

Survey says:

Elana: First Night Knockoff

Becky: First Night Knockoff

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I think her and Tiara are going to get along famously

 

OLIVIA

Heart her, plain and simple. Anyone who can own up to the fact that Katniss Everdeen is their role model needs to have some mad confidence factor going for them. Also the only contestant who’s favorite movie is Shawshank Redemption. 

Survey says:

Elana: Finish Line Potential

Becky: Going the Distance

 

RACHEL

Remember that eyebrow envy we felt for Jackie? So this is pretty much like that, except completely the opposite. There are a few red flags with this one, mainly that she’s Unemployed (come on, even the twins had jobs!) and that she listens to any music that’s trending– follower alert! I see Ben getting bored, right quick. 

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: Going the Distance

 

SAMANTHA

Hmm… she doesn’t not resemble Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones, so there’s that. But beware of this one, she’s full of dark twists and turns: she lists a hair straightener as one of the five things she can’t live without, but then WHAT are those beachy waves she’s sporting in her headshot?! Is there, like, no truth at all in this world??? How can we believe anything anymore????

Bitch stole my look (and name)

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: First Night Knockoff

SHUSHANNA

Love that she doesn’t need to bare all in her headshot to be cute and sexy, hate the ombre (although she’s not the only one with some messed-up ombre game going on. What is in the water over there at Bachelor HQ?). Shushanna seems like the token “burned by love so now I’m super closed off” contestant, but I bet it’s not going to take much from Ben to open her right up. Eyyoooo. That was his shtick, too, in Kaitlyn’s season, remember?

Survey says:

Elana: Going the Distance

Becky: Going the Distance

 

TIARA

She’s got the first name of the crazy from Sean Lowes’s season, and the overall look of crazy Ashley S. from Farmer Chris’s season, but don’t worry, this one brings a new brand of loony all her own: Tiara is a Chicken Enthusiast. I know, I know, I had the exact same question–LIVE chickens, people, not cooked. Phew, glad we worked that one out early on. 

Survey says:

Elana: Short Term Fling

Becky: First Night Knockoff

Capture

So will our predictions be dead-on or miss the mark? Tune in to our weekly recaps this season to find out! May the Bachelor fantasy league odds be ever in your favor…

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