After an entire season spent watching the world’s most inappropriate/ ill-equipped Bachelorette make an enemy out of every woman in America, it’s finally here. THE. MOST. DRAMATIC. SHOCKING. BACHELORETTE. SEASON. FINALE. EVER.

Or so Chris Harrison says. So far the most dramatic/shocking thing on this finale is Chris’s apparent run-in with a bottle of spray tan. Woweee, that’s orange.

MEETING ALL THE PARENTS

First thing’s first: it’s time for Kaitlyn to introduce Nick and Shawn to her family, which includes about 25 sets of parents and a sister named Haley.

I actually cannot believe that they went back to L.A. for the finale epi, they are not willing to invest a cent more than necessary in this season. No Fiji? No Maui? No anywhere cool? I went on the Bachelorette and all I got was this stupid domestic trip to a place I could have gone to for super cheap on Dan’s Deals.

At least there’s a decent colorist in L.A. as opposed to Utah, because Kaitlyn’s locks are finally back to a normal(ish), uniform shade of brown. She sits down her family and tells them the SHOCKING news that, of the two men remaining, one has been on the Bachelorette before.

Haley: Nick V.?!? –Anyone who automatically knows that the guys are referred to by first name, last name initial watches way too much of this show.

Both Haley and Leslie (Kaitlyn’s biological momma) seem riled up by the fact that Nick is one of the final two contestants vying for Kaitlyn’s heart, but she makes them promise to consider him independent of his actions on Andi’s season.

Kaitlyn: I really need you guys to put his weeks of asshattery on Andi’s season out of your mind.

Haley: Absolutely **sharpens spear and assumes warrior stance**

Clearly Leslie was #TeamJosh on Andi’s season too, she can’t understand what Kaitlyn could possibly see in Nick. LOL, wow, that must have made Nick feel great when he was watching this from the wings last night. Kaitlyn assuages her mom’s concerns by letting her know she and Nick had sex early on, so their connection is rock solid.

Kaitlyn: Our relationship is so physical it concerns me. –Exactly what any woman on the cusp of getting engaged should be saying.

Nick brings out the big guns for this auspicious day with a confusing denim-on-denim outfit and a wrist full of Powerbeads bracelets. Yuck. Clearly Momma Bear Leslie is not fooled by Nick disguising himself as a hippie/farmer, and wastes no time getting Nick alone to ask the “tough” questions.

Leslie: You were possessive on Andi’s season. You were jealous. I don’t want to use the word arrogant… but you were a cocky motherf**king bastard.

Nick: Arrogant would have been fine.

Leslie: What does Kaitlyn see in you?

Nick: A doormat with poor fashion sense?

She is really nailing him here! I’m into it until the conversation veers weirdly and sharply toward Kaitlyn and Nick’s sexual encounter. Leslie seems unduly proud that her daughter hit it on national TV and can’t wait to bring it up to Nick.

Leslie: Tell me more about how tight your pants get when you see my daughter. –Things normal moms say.

Okay, now they’re both sobbing. Awww, Weswie made widdle Nicky cwy! Mean Weswie! Oh wait, it’s happy tears. Nvm.

Nick, please stop talking to both of Kaitlyn’s parents about how hot you think their daughter is. Then again, it doesn’t seem like Kaitlyn’s dad could give a shit. I’ve never seen someone agree to hand over their daughter to a potential serial killer so willingly.

Kaitlyn’s dad: “He wanted her. He offered me a $20. So I gave her to him.” Knew his chin was too weak to be trusted.

Haley had a fantastic day with Nick: “There was rough stuff. There was tough stuff.” There was red stuff and blue stuff and orange stuff and green stuff. –Guess Kaitlyn’s advanced conversational/ linguistics skills run in the family.

MEETING WITH SHAWN

Now it’s Day 2 of The Family Meetings, and Kaitlyn’s stepdad seems to be making a desperate bid for some camera time with a horrendous canary-yellow shirt that may or may not have leopard print on the cuffs and collar. Pick me. Choose me. Interview me.

I’m surprised Shawn can make it up the drive with all those suck-up presents he’s carrying and the deadweight of his constant negativity. I’m sure the sharp-eyed Bristowe team will not be fooled by this bribery, they’ll see past this barrage of gifts to the black-cloud, whiny, insecure Shawn underneath.

Haley: Wheeeeeeeeeee, a brightly-printed bag!! ILU, Shawn!!

Nevermind.

Mental cringe that Shawn and Kaitlyn’s dad are wearing the same shirt.

Shawn gets into how he ended up on the show: his “sisters” were watching it and decided Kaitlyn might be good for him. Somehow that led directly to his taking a snap of Kaitlyn getting kicked off by Farmer Chris, drawing a heart around her, and sending it to all his lame-o friends with a message (needs to be said in slow, rasping voice): DON’T WORRY, KAITLYN. I’M COMING FOR YOU.

Mmmhmm, yeah. That sounds like someone who didn’t watch the show and wasn’t invested in the last season at all.

Omg, Shawn’s toast at the meal is actually a solid 7 minutes long. Not helped by the fact that he speaks in slow-mo. “This season has been great………………………………………………And……………………………………………………………………………………………..I never……. thought …..I’d…..be….here….in….a….million….years………………………….”

You can almost see the Bristowes rolling their eyes. They’re like hurry the f*ck up, Shawn, these glasses aren’t raising themselves here.

I think we can all see where Kaitlyn gets her ace style sense from, as Leslie has decided that a white jean jacket and giant white hoop earrings were the smart choice for today. Or that it’s 1985. This lady cannot WAIT to get Shawn alone so she can grill him more about Kaitlyn and Nick having sex.

Leslie: It was awkward to bring up my daughter boning another guy on this show. But, you know, I really want to make sure she’s got her technique down pat, so I had to ask the hard questions.

Seems like Kaitlyn passed on the message to her family that the sole objective of this season is to put Shawn in a mental institution.

Leslie: So Shawn, Kaitlyn and Nick… what did he say about her the morning after? Was she any good? Did she do that trick with her leg like I taught her?

Shawn: We were on a break!!!!!! **Head explodes**

I do give Shawn points for drawing Leslie into the talk where he asks for Kaitlyn’s hand it’s very #FreeTheNipple. Not that it was difficult to get these parents to agree—I honestly think Kaitlyn’s dad would “give” her to Hannibal Lecter at this point, if he asked nicely and flew him out to L.A.

LAST SEXUAL ENCOUNTER DATE WITH NICK

Nick seems to be getting increasingly #Lumbersexual as we’re nearing the finale. I think Utah really did a number on this guy. That beard must be causing a whole lot of face-sweat on that sunny, sunny boat.

Kaitlyn: My family’s batshit crazy and yours probably needs to be committed, so I think they’d get along great together.

Nick is shocked that the sexual chemistry between them “never fades away”, maybe because it’s only been three weeks since he came on the show.

They spend the day making out on the boat, and at the nighttime portion of the date they’re sitting together with literally nothing to talk about until they can make out again. If it’s been three weeks and the only thing you have to talk about is rehashing how you met, it might not be working.

Nick: I have something to show you, in the bedroom –The start of any good horror movie. Nick, she gave it up to you weeks ago, there’s no need to be coy here, my friend.

Turns out what Nick has to give her is a crappy picture frame with a fuzzy picture of them on one side that says “You & Me” on top (I’m sorry, I know she was obsessed with the picture but was I the ONLY one who noticed how blurry it was?? Was it taken on a disposable camera?) and a very, very, scary and nearly illegible poem on the other side.

Your electric lips, they make me want to cut you up into tiny little pieces.

Your touch, makes me want to lock you in my basement and starve you of sustenance.

Someone has yet to master the art of iambic pentameter. Also super sad when he starts trying to prove how much work he put into this POS present. “Look, see the cardboard backing for this fake silver frame? I had to have the guys at Kinko’s cut that special!” Of course dopey Kaitlyn can barely contain herself and her dress practically comes off of its own volition. Well played, Nick, well played.

FINAL TENSE, MISERABLE MOMENTS WITH SHAWN

They wouldn’t be Kaitlyn & Shawn if there wasn’t a super-awks fight happening for 90% of the date. **Cue awwww from live studio audience**

I honestly don’t even know what to say about this “date” other than it looks like about as much fun as having a tooth forcibly extracted sans Novocain. It actually looks like these two are in physical pain whenever they’re together. There’s some sort of fight, but as per Kaitlyn’s usual it just consists of a lot of meaningful side-eye glances and mumbled words so we have no idea what she’s thinking, or why they’re fighting.

Why is she like petting Shawn’s leg methodically while she talks to him, Kaitlyn you haven’t actually succeeded in turning Shawn into an animal—yet.

Shawn: I thought I was going to propose but we had a bad day at the winery when Kaitlyn told me she’s actually in love with Nick. So now there’s only a 99% chance I’ll propose and embarrass myself on national television.

After a completely lackluster, sedentary day, the fun continues—sitting on a couch! The excitement never ceases with these two. This is so sad, there’s not even the usual fake array of food to make us believe they’re eating. Also, why has Shawn relocated to a pastel-colored dollhouse for the remainder of the season?

Luckily the tension eases with some murmured resolution of whatever it was that was wrong before, some kissing, and a Memory Jug. Yes, Shawn does his hipster hairdo proud by presenting a bunch of crap to Kaitlyn in what looks like a gigantic mason jar. No regular old box for this bro. Unsurprisingly, Kaitlyn practically wets herself with excitement over this array of treasures that includes a super-unflattering photo of the two of them and a golf ball.

Kaitlyn: Some people could probably date for a whole year and not have this many memories! –No, Kaitlyn, they’d actually probably have a lot more. Two jugs, at least (heehee).

You just know Shawn was keeping all this stuff together in case things went South with Kaitlyn and he had to build an emergency shrine to her and weep in peace.

FINAL ROSE

But first, a message from Bachelor/ette sponsor Neil Lane. Mmmm, those rings. So big, so shiny. Me want.

As usual, poor Nick comes off like a totally overconfident douchebag. “I think Kaitlyn’s acquired a… taste for me,” he says archly, as he sips a mini espresso. This worthy statement serves the double purpose of making him seem completely fey and like a total asshole.

Nick is soo excited to see Neil Lane and starts nervous-blabbering the whole story of how he was on the show before, even when it becomes wildly apparent that Neil actually could not give a flying f*ck. Nick, this isn’t one of those dive bars you frequent in St. Louis where this fifteen minutes of fame bit might get you a couple free beers and possibly a lap dance—this is NEIL LANE. He’s already too classy for this shit!

Neil: OMG I love your ring where did you get it?

Nick: Oh, you know, just a little thing Kaitlyn and I picked up in Ireland.

Neil: SO adorable.

Neil to Chris Harrison: That was the ugliest effing ring I have ever seen.

They are NOT making Kaitlyn get engaged at Bachelor/ette headquarters. They are not. No way.

Okay they totally are.

Kaitlyn to Chris Harrison: I can’t believe I’m here. No, like I actually can’t believe you cheap bastards couldn’t cough up the money for three plane tickets to the Bahamas. Or for a professional hair stylist.

Wow that moon looks crazy dehydrated.

Heart-pounding music crescendos as both limos race toward the Bachelor/ette manse, and then… first one out is NICK?! Omg. Omg. Omg. I’m actually shocked, I TOTALLY thought she was going to choose Nick, not dump him!!

Kaitlyn looks like she’s going to vom as she waits for Nick to walk in, which actually would blend nicely with that putrid color she has on. Nick walks up to Kaitlyn and there’s no kiss, just an awkward side hug, which pretty much has sealed his fate right there. But Nick hasn’t been in this position before since Andi had the decency to send him home before the rose ceremony, so the poor shmuck can’t read between the lines and jumps right in to this long, heartfelt speech about how much he loves Kaitlyn and wants to marry her.

Why are they whispering so much is this a library pool??

Thank GOD she stops Nick before he gets down on one knee, and then it’s pretty much the usual breakup shitstorm from there. Those rabid dogs barking in the background are really doing wonders to up the tension in the atmosphere.

Nick: I don’t understand. You took things from me.

Kaitlyn: Oh, rite. Here’s that $5 back. Thx 4 the memories.

But seriously what did she take from him, other than possibly chlamydia??

Kaitlyn stumbles through a bunch of sentences that pretty much prove she just wanted to hit it and quit it with Nick. Here are the moments Kaitlyn lists where she felt things were “real”:

1) When they were intimate

2) Overnight dates

3) Off-camera time

So that answers that, then. Have to give props to Nick here for not letting Kaitlyn sugar-coat her way out of this and making her admit she doesn’t love him, or at least loves someone else more. Nick marches his way out to the limo and starts throwing rings around with abandon as the car pulls away—the Irish ring, the Neil Lane ring (OMG PUT THAT DOWN YOU IDIOT THAT’S A NEIL LANE RING), no rings are safe in the path of Nick’s ire. Hide your rings, hide your wives.

Nick: I’m the biggest joke in America. –A little self-centered, maybe, but not altogether untrue.

As Nick speeds away, Kaitlyn pulls it together in time for Shawn to arrive, actually looking unreasonably confident for a guy who spent the better part of this season in a drunken, bawling puddle of tears.

Shawn: These past couple of months have unquestionably been the most f*cking miserable of my life. You’ve exceeded all expectations in making me feel terrible about myself. I can’t think of anyone better to spend my life with than a woman who jerked me around for two months straight and made me feel heaping loads of insecurity, self-doubt, and pain. Marry me?

Kaitlyn: Yaaaaaaaassss.

And off they go into the L.A. night, probably to celebrate at an In-N-Out Burger or something.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE

Whew. So after that emotional rollercoaster of an episode we get to hear from Kaitlyn, Shawn, and Nick, as well as an increasingly tan Chris Harrison who may or may not be baking under the studio lights as we watch. Chris is dying for things to “get a little dangerous,” and with Nick’s family sitting so close to the stage with murder in their eyes, this pretty much seems like a foregone conclusion. Nick’s mom is totally going to shank Kaitlyn when she thinks no one’s looking.

Kaitlyn and Shawn come out, and we finally see what she could have looked like throughout the season with just a touch of personal styling, and regularly scheduled showers. Good to see Kaitlyn is her same classy, subtle self as she treats the entire studio audience and all of America to a mini-face eating session with Shawn.

Kaitlyn: I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning!

Chris H: How so?

Kaitlyn: Well, I woke up to a giant stocking stuffer, if you know what I mean **winks at camera**

To his credit, Shawn looks equal parts uncomfortable and flummoxed. I wonder if he’s realized yet that Kaitlyn’s “fun personality” is code for manic and immature. We’ll see. We also get a full-screen glimpse at the actual heart Shawn drew around Kaitlyn’s face when he watched her on Farmer Chris’s season so, ya know, that won’t be something he has to live down at the gym for the rest of his life or anything.

INTERVIEW WITH NICK

Chris H.: Let’s get Nick out here. Nick, you’ve probably been doing terribly since the show. Second place, twice. Man, that’s bleak.

Before Nick can “confront” Kaitlyn, he and Shawn have to make up. Of course Shawn is perfectly trimmed and coiffed, and Nick looks like he hasn’t met a barbershop since 2007. Also courtesy of the producers, we have Nick and Shawn sitting the exact same way with one leg propped up on the other, so their feet are just barely touching. FOOTSIES! Are we supposed to believe that two men on a teeny tiny couch would sit like that voluntarily?

Shawn seems to have selective amnesia about what happened on the show, which is a pretty normal reaction for anyone who’s been through extensive trauma. He’s super vague about the conflict between him and Nick and makes it pretty clear he doesn’t want to talk things out, but Nick can’t help pushing to know why they weren’t closer and to “make things right” between them because, let’s face it, after being dumped twice on national television a guy’s gotta be pretty strapped for friends.

Nick: We just didn’t get enough time together on the show.

Shawn: That’s because I was actively avoiding you every chance I got.

Shawn goes on to explain that he had great relationships with other guys on the show, like Ben H., for example. “Ben H. and I had an amazing connection. I was with him every night soaping up his pecs and shaving his leg hair” ah if only.

Shawn’s biggest regret about the show is apparently the cinematic choices of the producers: “I just wanted them to focus on the love story.” Shawn this is The Bachelorette, not The Best Of Me. Make your entertainment debut somewhere else.

Chris H. asks the two men to hug it out, which Nick looks like he desperately wants since he probably hasn’t felt the touch of another human since the show ended, but Shawn is like nahz. Someone should tell Nick that JJ’s still on the market, if he’s interested.

Now it’s time for what’s become an annual tradition on this show, where Nick comes out with embarrassing private anecdotes about him and the Bachelorette of the season—last year it was Andi/sex, this year it’s Kaitlyn/love! Nick claims that he and Kaitlyn said they loved each other “multiple times” throughout the season, and Kaitlyn looks like she’s about to choke a bitch. She’s soo pissed Nick just divulged this on national TV, which honestly probably means it’s true and wouldn’t be surprising, since Kaitlyn wasn’t exactly a stickler for the rules on the show.

I can’t believe they’re doing this to Nick AGAIN where they try to make him seem like this desperate, obsessive, lovesick guy who was so much more into it than the woman. Oh, wait.

OH, she took his dignity, I get it now. Nick, I hate to break it to you, but your dignity disappeared the moment you voluntarily put yourself back into this funhouse by showing up in New York.

But I will side with Nick on how Kaitlyn handled sending him home, i.e. extremely poorly. It becomes clear how much Kaitlyn’s grown from the show when she gets automatically defensive and combative when her actions are questioned.

Kaitlyn: On the show, I thought, should I go to you the morning before and save you the embarrassment of publicly declaring your undying love for me in front of millions of viewers? But then I saw my own reflection in a puddle and got distracted. Sorreeeezzz!

She’s totally not sorry.

Finally we get one more look at the happy couple. Are they getting started on wedding plans or talking about moving in together? Nope, the furthest ahead these two can think is to their next cup of coffee. Seems like a good sign.

Kaitlyn: I just want to go to Starbucks—

Shawn: I SAID I LIKE DUNKIN’ DONUTS BETTER, BITCH.

So the honeymoon period is over, then.

Shawn is psyched to blow up the Twittersphere by virtually protecting Kaitlyn against all the haterz who have been defaming her good name since the show. Nothing would make me feel safe like a man willing to defend my virtue in 140 characters or less.

And that’s all, folks! Will this next Bachelor/ette match go the distance? I think probably not. But let’s wait and see! Thanks for tuning in all season and, if you take away one thing from Kaitlyn & Shawn this season, let it be this: It’s not love unless both people in the relationship are completely, consistently miserable.

XOXOXO