We kicked off last night with a recap of last week’s epi, so we got to re-live the oratory masterpiece that was Shawn “confronting” Nick about his questionable motives and behavior. Nothing new came out of this except I realized that Shawn has openly admitted to studiously watching the last season of the Bachelorette through his accusations against Nick.

Shawn: “Out of the 40 guys on the past season and this one, everyone has hated you. That’s 40, bro. Not 39, not 41. My diary/ bracket don’t lie.”

So these two are still on the outs, but I honestly couldn’t care less because Kaitlyn’s overnight with Ben H. is on deck and that means at least 10 minutes (minus commercials) of watching his gorgeous, gorgeous face lalalalalalalala.

“BEST. SLEEPOVER. EVER.” WITH BEN H.

Ah yes, the rolling hills and horse fecal matter of Enniskillen, Ireland: a natural choice for any fantasy suite date.

But first, some reflections from Kaitlyn on her overnight date with Nick: “Nick told me some weird stuff about Shawn last night, like he’s Eskimo bros with some guy because he slept with a country singer. Was it Tay Tay? Can he get me an autograph?” –I’m surprised Kaitlyn remembers any of this what with the copious amounts of whiskey she was consuming and the ‘natural disaster’ occurring in the background.

As if Ben could get any more perfect, he casually mentions owning horses “back home”. What is this mythical place called Denver and why is it a city where software sales executives are king? Nick might want to try relocating, he’s a software sales exec too and he’s been wearing the same sweater all season.

So I guess today is about carousing with all sorts of Irish farm animals—horses, donkeys with haircuts that don’t NOT make them look a little like Cody from Andi’s season, and lambs (didn’t find this last part out until the ending credits when we see Kaitlyn and Ben frantically shaking bags of feed at the lambs. That’s five minutes of your life you’re never getting back, Ben). Because nothing gets a person more keyed up for some sexy time than making out amidst piles of donkey dung and shedding lambs’ hair.

Kaitlyn: “Do you think the lambs are running away from us because they know we’re wearing them?” –Kaitlyn, that skanky sweater you’re wearing is made from real lambs’ wool like your extensions are made from real hair. Just because Forever21 says it doesn’t make it so, honey.

Kaitlyn is convinced the donkeys are “super attracted” to her and Ben, wow there is nothing this chick won’t sexualize.

Yes, totally plausible that the girl who can’t look birds in the eye would know this very random fact that the castle where they’ll be bizzoinking tonight was built by the same architect who constructed Buckingham Palace.

At dinner we find out that Kaitlyn is a cradle-robber and Ben lied about his age to be eligible for the show. I’m kidding—but he JUST turned 26?! Could he BE any younger?

Kaitlyn: “When I’m with Ben, it feels good. It feels right. It feels like I’m breaking five different kinds of statutory rape laws.”

Ben: “I feel super lucky every time I’m with Kaitlyn. If I can just get her old ass to the final rose, I may or may not be able to cash out on her life insurance policy within the next two years.”

Ben is so excited for this sleepover because he’s never been allowed to stay up past ten before on a schoolnight. I wonder if his mom called Kaitlyn at some point tonight to make sure he’s eating his greens and doesn’t watch any R-rated movies?

Kaitlyn: “Every time I overnight with someone, it’s a big deal.” –When you’re turning ‘overnight’ into a verb, you’re ‘overnighting’ too often. At this point sleeping with someone is about as big a deal to Kaitlyn as doing weekly earwax maintenance.

The next morning Ben is apparently off to hike to his last day of eighth grade, wearing running capris and a giant backpack (where did that come from?). He’s gonna score some mad high-fives in the hallways today.

SWINGING AT BALLS WITH SHAWN

Kaitlyn + Shawn are going to enjoy an afternoon out on the green playing a scintillating game of golf! A boring-ass game for a boring-ass couple, I guess.

Kaitlyn’s desperately trying to make this fun by having Shawn dress up in a “silly golf outfit” i.e. a fuchsia shirt. Then she laughs and points at him for like ten minutes. I don’t know about you guys but I’m having a blast.

Shawn: “Golf is a lot like love in that it’s something you can do for a long time.” –Spoken like someone who has no clue what love is and no idea how to play golf.

Shawn: “So Kaitlyn’s good at golf. That’s just one more thing to check off the ‘wife material’ criteria.” –Wait Shawn why is that one of your qualifications for finding a wife? “Cooks. Cleans. Good with balls.”

Obviously Kaitlyn manages to sex up this extremely un-sexy date with a “spontaneous” game of truth or dare in which she dares Shawn to take his clothes off and streak around the green. I.e. she wants to see what she’s paying for getting tonight before she bothers with the fantasy suite card. If I was Kaitlyn, I’d also be doubting that Shawn has man-parts down there. Shawn is game for it though because honestly after the past couple of weeks, how much more pride does this guy have to lose anyways?

It sounds like the theme song from Titanic is playing in the background of the “serious portion” of Shawn and Kaitlyn’s date. #Thisrelationshipislikeasinkingship, you heard it here first, folks, from the ABC metaphor team. But actually their relationship SUCKS, why should Kaitlyn be sooo relieved that they finally had a ‘fun’ day. “We really needed this.” Omg you’ve been dating for 6 minutes the whole thing should just be fun at this point! Hint: if, out of the four weeks you’ve been together so far, three and a half of those weeks have been spent arguing/crying, it’s probably not working.

Kaitlyn starts asking the tough questions like would Shawn be cool if she worked out an Eskimo Brother-style deal with him and Nick. Of course she can’t stop herself from bringing Nick into the convo right away. “The last thing I want to do tonight is talk about Nick so I’m just gonna bring it up first thing and talk about him until you want to scratch out your own eyeballs.”

Also finding it very hypocritical here that Kaitlyn is like super worried about Shawn’s “reputation”, this from the girl who is systematically sleeping her way through Ireland.

DYING to know what word Shawn keeps calling Nick that ABC has deemed unacceptable for the American public’s ears. “The other guy’s a bleep.” “He’s such a bleep.” “Honestly, I think he’s a bleep.” WHAT IS HE?! HE’S A WHAT??

Kaitlyn: “Tonight is huge for me and Shawn. After tonight I’ll know if he can get it up or if all the crying has done permanent damage down there.”

Amazing that Nick is casually waiting by the side of the hotel as Shawn emerges the next morning (after he leaves Kaitlyn without them exchanging any dialogue—guess we know how that went, then.) Oh Jesus, another confrontation? I can’t understand anything these two are saying because they’re literally just yelling over each other, but the takeaway is that Nick feels threatened and runs to a pasture for some private reflection time. Wait, you mean these two are obsessed with the SAME girl who’s going to CHOOSE between them, and they don’t like each other? What kind of bullshit is this? (No idea why we’re supposed to be surprised by this/ interested at all.)

ROSE CEREMONY

Chris H.: “So, Kaitlyn, you’re officially the #1 cautionary tale in Ireland. How does it feel?”

Kaitlyn: “I’m just having such a hard time deciding between these amazing guys! Nick’s monotonic sociopathy is a really great foil for my sensitive side. Ben H. makes me feel playful because he’s seven. Shawn and I are freaking miserable together but if I pick him I could get free spin classes for life so idk.”

Kaitlyn there’s nooo way you got so tan in Ireland, the sun has been shining for like four minutes since you got there and you’re always wearing sweaters. Your face is a completely different color from your navel/ side boob, both of which are on display for us tonight.

Kaitlyn talks about Ben H. like he’s a dog. “Ben is playful, he’s loyal, he’s great at fetch and I’m even teaching him how to use the wee-wee pad like a big boy!”

Kaitlyn feels bad about blindsiding whoever doesn’t get the rose tonight, but apparently Miss I’ll-Sneak-Into-Anyone’s-Room has just decided that rules are a thing on this show, so on we go to the rose ceremony.

Wow she is actually horrible at this pre-rose ceremony speech-giving thing. She’s basically giving the guys a rundown of all their nights together this week: “Shawn, too much tongue. Ben, a little inexperienced that I’m probably your first so that’s cool. You’re all Eskimo Brothers now motherf**kers LOLZ.”

She’s about to start handing out roses but is then overcome by emotion and has to leave. Nothing spells out maturity and being ready for love like running away so your almost-husband doesn’t see you cry.

In the dumbest move ever Kaitlyn chooses Shawn & Nick over Ben. Kaitlyn actually has no reason to give Ben for sending him home, she’s just sitting there gripping his hand awkwardly until the van comes. “You’re perfect but the producers think this whole Shawn/Nick feud is really carrying the show right now, so I’m going to have to let you go.” Ben actually seems pretty okay with it, and in the van we get a decent amount of him talking about how “open” he is now to finding someone which could only mean one thing…. BEN FOR BACHELOR BEN FOR BACHELOR BEN FOR BACHELOR BEN FOR BACHELOR!!

FAMILY VISITS

Why are we going from Ireland to Utah?? That’s like going from one nondescript bland sock to another equally bland sock. Is there a rule against going to places with sand/temperatures above freezing this season?

The only thing different from the last locale is Kaitlyn’s hair. 1999 called, they want their Conair straightener back. Can someone for the love of god please just HELP HER with her hair it’s like not even nice at this point.

(TO THE TUNE OF ‘THE ADDAMS FAMILY’): THE VIALL FAMILY, DA DA DA DA, DUM DUM 

Nick proves how over Andi he is by talking shit about her and comparing her to Kaitlyn, which we now realize is what he’s been doing in his head the entire time. “Andi was classy and smart but you give it up way easier so I don’t have to take a leap of faith this time.”

Kaitlyn: “I feel like I’m about to vomit.”

Nick: “Oh don’t worry, that’s just the roofie I gave you for later.”

Nick’s family is so awkward just sitting in the hotel room waiting for them to come in. Nick’s little sister Bella proves that sociopathic tendencies run in the Viall family, one minute she’s sobbing and the next she’s all smiles and having just the best time. This manufactured emotion thing is a Viall family specialty, like a secret tomato sauce recipe.

“They’re creepy and they’re kooky, mysterious and spooky…”

AddamsFamily
Bella Viall on lower left.

Kaitlyn to Nick’s family: “Nick thinks a lot and I don’t think at all so we’re perf together.”

Omg Kaitlyn trying to “get down to Bella’s level” is hysterical. “Love your shirt!” Kaitlyn she’s like ten, her mom probably picked it out for her. Kaitlyn why are you acting out the word ‘mountain’ this girl is smarter than you, she probs can picture a mountain without accompanying hand gestures. Then Kaitlyn asks Bella to think about Nick with a woman. Wow someone please get Kaitlyn away from this impressionable young girl.

Nick’s mom and Shawn have the same hair.

Nick WHY are you talking to your mom about how good Kaitlyn is at “making out”? And why are you calling it “making out”?

Apparently Nick was clinically depressed/ just a huge loser after his season with Andi because Nick’s mom is soo desperate for this to work out. “Kaitlyn, he has nothing. Nothing. If you don’t pick him it’s back to living in my basement making lampshades out of human skin so please for the love of god just pick him.”

Nick to Kaitlyn after meeting the fam: “We should make babies someday. They’d be pretty.” –They wouldn’t though. They’d have bug eyes and sucky hair and would either be extremely dumb or extremely homicidal. Or both.

MEETING SHAWN’S FAMILY

So Shawn isn’t a natural blonde then?

Kaitlyn makes a killer first impression by emitting a sort of weird squawk/gargle when she walks in. That means “hi” in idiot. Or Canadian. At least she rethought that awful plaid shirt.

Shawn was raised by his two sisters and a dad who may or may not be in the mafia/ army/ secret service. This clears up a lot.

One sister is like super passive aggressive with her questions, and one is super into Shawn in a way that makes me not entirely comfortable.

Sister #1: “So can you, like, tell me how big of a slut you are to have to go on this show, if you don’t mind…..??”

Sister #2: “I’m not saying Shawn is the perfect guy or super super sweet or sexy as f**k—but I totally am.”

Can’t imagine why this guy might have intimacy/trust issues after meeting this band of weirdos.

Ruhroh, here’s Steve-O (Shawn’s dad) bringing down the hammer. “What the hell is going on here Shawn?”

“He’s in. He’s in deep.” Steve this isn’t an Afghani rescue mission this is The Bachelorette.

This whole tough guy thing would be easier to buy if he and Shawn weren’t wearing matching denim button-downs. But I can see where Shawn gets a lot of his blustering from, as well as his rapid mood swings and general mental instability—one minute Steve is taking a machine gun to the place and the next he’s telling Shawn “You gotta go for it man, with your whole heart” with a huge smile. Kaitlyn, say hello to your new daddy!

I’m weirded out that Shawn keeps calling Kaitlyn his wife but hasn’t even said I love you until now. Also, what a mature way to finally confess you love her, Shawn—“I have something to tell you, Kaitlyn… You had a giant booger hanging out of your nose all afternoon. PSYCH!! I love you.”

Kaitlyn proves how excited she is that Shawn loves her by breaking down into a messy heap of tears the minute she leaves him. She’s honestly like a toddler who hasn’t learned how to appropriately express emotions yet so she just tantrums and cries.

That watery, dead-eyed stare she gives the camera at the end of the episode. Omg. I think she just realized one of these guys has to go home.

But before we get to the SHOCKING finale, next week we get the Men Tell All episode!! Eeeeeee! Has Ian gotten “lots of sex” since leaving the show? Has Tony’s eye-bruise healed? Why can’t Jared “move on with his life”? (that’s an actual quote, so, so sad, you guys.) Stay tuned next week to find out!