The Bachelorette: Welcome to Porktown

So we all know last week ended with the news that the masterminds behind this show are switching things up on us and making Kaitlyn cut the group in half this week, give three guys fantasy suite cards, and only meet two of their families. This is no problem for K-Dawg because she’s pretty much just systematically axing guys at this point until only Nick is left. I’ve been giving this a probably inappropriate amount of thought and have come up with several potential theories for this “game-changer”:

A) ABC realized America wasn’t really on board with Kaitlyn’s “25 Flavors: Try ‘Em All!” approach to the show, so they’re trying to lock this shit DOWN asap by making her bag half the remaining contestants and getting on with it.

B) ABC realized #bangerzgottabang and they’re trying to make it seem like Kaitlyn’s rampant wantonness has been mandated by the rules of the show rather than because she’s just like IDGAF.

C) ABC realized it was stupid to shell out money to fly Kaitlyn to 4 different guys’ hometowns when she’s just going to choose Nick anyways.

DOWN BY THE RIVER WITH BEN H.

LOL why are the guys all squeezed into a tiny room on tiny golden couches is this a house for tiny people? Obviously Jared fits just fine.

Kaitlyn wasted no time getting rid of Chris Cupcake and then is all moany the next day about getting rid of him. That was the hardest thing she’s had to do so far? Where were these mixed feelings yesterday when she was like sprinting to the helicopter and left him sobbing at the top of a MOUNTAIN? But we know she’s serious about this because there’s droopy music playing and a moody Irish background.

Luckily she has a date with Ben and his never-ending parade of shawl man-sweaters to cheer her up! I love how she’s acting like this is such a huge week to figure out who her husband is, you’re deciding which of these guys you want to bed, not wed! This show has basically turned into an extended plug for paid escort services.

Ben H.: “I’m just really excited to help Kaitlyn brush off the whole Chris Cupcake thing today.” –Ben the only thing you need to be worried about brushing off right now is that linty, linty coat. What is on that thing?? Are there no lint brushes in Ireland?

Kaitlyn: “I’m not always bubbly happy, and I want Ben to see that today. I have a deep side, too. Like, I’m scared of birds even though I have a giant bird tattooed on my arm, and I ugly cry. I want to show Ben just how annoying and needy I can be because that’s love.” Omg, run, Ben, run.

But Ben doesn’t run, instead they go rowboating and scamper around some old ruins. Kaitlyn shows off her ‘deep side’ by taking a disproportionate amount of pleasure in a game intended for five-year-olds. Ben feels like he and Kaitlyn are Vikings, which is odd as we’re not currently in Scandinavia.

Ben: “It’s great because we had just an ordinary day together.” An ‘ordinary day’ for Ben involves rowboating and playing amidst Irish ruins, apparently. Crap, I tots should have been a software sales exec, too.

Kaitlyn: “I think you’re husband material because you smile purty and you have perfect hair. Also you’re young. Do you think I’m wife material?”

Ben: “F**k no.”

Ben is so perfect that his “big secret” is literally not a thing: he thinks he’s unlovable. What does that even mean?

Kaitlyn’s ready for some open dialogue with Ben and by that she means getting him to admit he’s dying to have sex with her. She’s SO pissed when he says he’s just looking forward to staying up and talking all night, like you literally see her face fall.

Kaitlyn: Are you trying to tell me that you’re a…[muffles horrified snort]…virgin?

Ben: No, I just don’t find you that attractive and I’m worried your hair is going to leave a mad grease stain on my pillow.

Kaitlyn: Well alright then. As long as you’re not a virgin, eh?

GROUP DATE: SHAWN, NICK, JOE, ASSORTED HORSES

Is it just me or is Ireland really bringing out that pimple/divot on the side of Shawn’s forehead?

Universal head scratch as the guys put their collective minds together to achieve a sixth-grade reading comprehension level and decipher what “amok” means on the date card. Turns out it means Joe goes home and Kaitlyn drops another huge load of shit on poor Shawn, who is honestly going to need a massive amount of therapy and Prozac after this whole thing is over.

Shawn trying to “be cool” and take a step back from Kaitlyn is almost laughably painful, he’s being so formal and strange. Jesus Shawn this isn’t a White House Correspondence Dinner, the girl just wanted you to stop assaulting her door every night.

Of course all Kaitlyn noticed about her and Shawn’s time apart is that they didn’t kiss, she is SUCH a horndog. I don’t even really get what she sees in Shawn, as he gets more puffed up with his own intensity he’s starting to really resemble an Angry Bird.

How has Joe gone from falling in love with Kaitlyn to BEING in love with Kaitlyn over the span of a few days where he didn’t even see her? What sort of progress has he been able to make here? Also, why have I not noticed until now how much Joe resembles a grown-up, very Southern and provincial version of Jimmy Neutron?

Joe reacts to Kaitlyn’s dismissal exactly the same way I would have in my fifth grade relationships, by studiously ignoring her and refusing to meet her eyes after she confesses they aren’t on the same page, and then walking away in a huff. Love is patient, love is kind. Love can be flipped on and off like a switch when the person you declare your love to says thanks but no thanks.

The whole angle this chat is being filmed at is really showcasing Kaitlyn’s false eyelashes to their maximum potential.

Kaitlyn: “I can’t even imagine saying bye to you… but byez.”

Shawn tries not to piss his pants with excitement when Kaitlyn comes back to him and Nick—oh I’m sorry, I mean The Other Guy. Really, Shawn? Really?—and tells them she sent Joe home. Things seem to be getting even better for Shawn when she asks him for alone time, little does he know he’s about to be blindsided by a whole load o’ poo, to put it the Irish way.

Kaitlyn: “Shawn, I haven’t made you feel a soul-crushing sense of self-loathing and doubt yet today, so I’m gonna need a little more time with you. Mmmkay?”

Shawn: Sure, no prob, let me just go change and mop up my face sweat for the next round.

Like an Angry Bird to the slaughter.

SHAWN AND KAITLYN ONE-ON-ONE TIME

Kaitlyn is really showcasing her ace communication skills during this talk. “Shawn, I just want to be honest with you…. I really feel like honesty is the best policy… I see your true colors shining through. F**k this would be so much easier if I was blackout right now.”

Kaitlyn finally spits out the news that she and Nick slept together, and Shawn literally cannot formulate a response and needs to “take a minute” and go to the bathroom. But not before he wipes his mouth on his sleeve?! What is THAT about?

Great, now Kaitlyn’s big reveal has given Shawn prostate problems. This show is literally going to be the death of this guy I mean he’s actually falling apart, he can’t even urinate.

Love how he comes back into the room tucking his shirt in like he was actually just peeing and not crying hysterically into a hand towel. Shawn pretends like he’s cool with Kaitlyn and Nick having had sex, but we all know where this is headed, and by that I mean another drunken, tearful confession to a producer (“You’re my only real friend here”) followed by a late-night visit to Kaitlyn’s room for “reassurance”. Shawn do you not realize that if you stick around next week she’ll be having sex with not one, but TWO other guys besides you? How is this not registering??

ROSE CEREMONY

Nick’s “nervous” bit is ridiculous, why is he whining about not having had any time with Kaitlyn they’re literally together every second.

Nick to the guys: “I’ve had half the time with Kaitlyn but double the ass.”

Shawn: “The difference between this rose ceremony and the other ones is that the ones who go through tonight will pretty much have a 100% chance of boning Kaitlyn. So this is a really big deal and I’m not sure I want to take advantage of it because I’m realizing I actually might have lady parts down there.”

Shawn is dying to ‘get answers’ from Kaitlyn at the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, so you just know Chris Harrison is on his way to tear his shit UP.

Aaaaaannddd called it. No cocktail party, straight to the roses, people.

Chris Harrison: “Tonight only three of you will move forward and have the chance to contract genital herpes from Kaitlyn.”

Nothing like four full-grown men in a horse-drawn buggy and carriage to really make my loins sing.

It’s sad that Kaitlyn’s such a train wreck at this rose ceremony because her hair actually looks halfway decent. But it’s mitigated by the excessive heavy breathing and nauseated expression, she actually looks like she might throw up, which in all honesty would be a kindness to that horrific disco ball she’s wearing.

Kaitlyn: Shawn, will you accept this chance to boink me?

Shawn: Can I talk to you?

Kaitlyn: JESUS, what is with this guy? FREE SEX, buddy! FREE. SEX.

Kaitlyn and Shawn leave the rose ceremony for some super awkward back-and-forth where Shawn demands Kaitlyn answer for her behavior, and Kaitlyn basically flips him the figurative bird, then Shawn backs down. Hmm, maybe these two do get how relationships work, after all. Shawn ends up taking a rose anyways, followed by Ben H. and then Nick. So Kaitlyn realized Count Chocula might not make the best partner in the sack after all, and he gets the boot.

Kaitlyn: “There was nothing really wrong with Jared, except I have a sneaking suspicion he wanted to cut me up into small pieces and pickle me for the winter. But apart from that, sweet guy.”

No but really, Jared, do you HAVE to play up the nice guy/martyr thing so obviously? “Oh here, Kaitlyn, take my coat. Can I get you some water? Maybe I can pull a little backbend here on the ground so you have something to put your feet up on?” GROW A PAIR, MAN, SHE JUST BROKE UP WITH YOU. HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT BRO.

DATE WITH NICK/ WELCOME TO PORKCORKTOWN

Are they seriously not leaving Ireland for the fantasy suite dates? Mmm, nothing says romance like one-road villages whose most precious commodity is dirt.

Aha, we finally found Ben H.’s one vice: rampant and unapologetic water bottle consumption! Seriously, there must have been like a thousand empty water bottles in his hotel room in that shot of him packing. Ben, what’s wrong with you? It’s like the Irish Potato Famine never even happened or something.

Nick gets the first of the fantasy suite dates in the charming little hamlet of Cork. Which rhymes with pork. Which is what Kaitlyn will be doing all over this town with the guys. Eyyoooo.

Why is Nick’s sweater “Irish” he’s been wearing sweaters like that the entire time Kaitlyn. And anyways between all the groping and the gossiping with the guys how would Nick possibly have had time to squeeze in an emergency sweater run.

Kaitlyn: “Pick your favorite house color! Squeeee!! Look how fun I am!!”

Nick, without pausing: “Definitely the red one.” –Anyone else shocked that Nick picked BLOOD as his favorite color? I’m not.

Oh good, another holy cathedral for them to defile! Nick went to church twice when he was a kid so now he’s a religion expert and is having so much fun reading from The Dummy’s Guide to Irish Cathedrals teaching Kaitlyn religious history.

Nick: “I used to confess in church.”

Kaitlyn: “For what?”

Nick: “Oh, you know. I swore, I was mean to my parents, I ripped my neighbors’ cat in two with my bare hands. You know, just regular kid stuff.”

Kaitlyn and Nick manage not to hump inside the cathedral walls so now Kaitlyn is convinced their relationship isn’t just physical, it’s also spiritual. That ain’t his soul you’re feeling, honey.

At the local pub we learn Kaitlyn’s promiscuity kicked off in the eighth grade. Shocker. That actually explains a lot.

Oh, those poor, poor locals just trying to enjoy a pint who probably got slipped fivers to go “spontaneously join” Nick and Kaitlyn. As if that could begin to cover the damages incurred by wasting precious time attempting conversation with these two idiots. Kaitlyn shows how #cultured she is by blatantly making fun of the Irishmen’s accents to their faces and behind their backs.

Kaitlyn: “Those accents were so weird yah, I just had no idea what they were talking ABOOOOOOTTTTT.” Seriously?

Later, back at the jail, Kaitlyn is subtly conveying what tonight is really about for her in a see-through white lace mini-dress with a black bra. Keeping it classy, Lady K. They get to talking and Nick throws some weird shade on Shawn by insinuating that he bragged about being eskimo brothers with a country singer? What does that even mean? That’s so kewl.

Kaitlyn starts to care about what Nick is saying but then….. is that…. could it be….

RAIN??

RAIN?????

RAIN?!?!?!?!?

I’m sorry, what is this reaction to rain? She’s so distracted/amazed by the fact that water droplets are falling from the sky that the whole Shawn thing kind of fizzles out. Shawn, thank your stars for CRAZY weather phenomenons like rain, it might have just saved your ass.

Finally, it’s requisite fantasy suite letter time.

“Welcome to Cork.” –The start of any great love letter.

UM this little morning after tableau is soo not Bachelor/ette protocol, we usually just get a fade to black/ curtains being drawn after some heavy petting in a pool or on the bed, and then the start of the next pre-fantasy suite date. But of course Kaitlyn is classless enough to actually be okay with allowing her new boyfriend, let alone all of America, see her in that gross half-up topknot hairstyle thing shoveling questionable bacon into her mouth.

SHAWN/NICK “CONFRONTATION”

Yes that’s in quotes because nothing of significance is actually exchanged or said in this conversation. Shawn WHAT was the point of going over to Nick’s just to yell at him with one sleeved pushed halfway up your arm? Was that supposed to be menacing, it just looked asymmetrical.

Nick why are you pretending to be watching Irish TV?

Shawn: “I just think you’re insincere and full of bullshit.”

Nick: “I know you are but what am I.”

BRITT/BRADY

Oh good they’re going to try out long distance, that does seem to be the natural next step for these two, I think they really have a shot at making it.

Britt: “I want to come out, I’m just not sure when I can.” Britt now is the perfect time to come out didn’t you hear #LoveWins.

These two are in a romantic relationship like I’m currently in a penguin suit.

 

 

 

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