THE BACHELORETTE: A Whole New World of WTF

….Aaaaaand We’re Back

Getting right back into last week’s action, we see an irate, sheer-paneled-clad Kaitlyn stomping her way to Clint and dragging him aside to have a “chat”—i.e., someone’s about to get cut and it ain’t the chick with bird tattoos on her arms. Part of me admires K’s resoluteness in sticking to her take-no-shit attitude so far this season, and part of me is like just get rid of them at the rose ceremony, why ya gotta turn everything into a thing?! Methinks someone doth like the dramatics a bit too…. mucheth.

Like any man-child who’s been caught doing something wrong, Clint makes the classic mistake of going DENY DENY DENY instead of SORRY SORRY SORRY. Bad move, friend. Not to say Kaitlyn would have kept him if he’d acted a bit more contrite, since apparently once she’s over a guy he is like literally dead to her, but I mean talk about shooting yourself in the foot here.

Clint: “The guys are just jelskies of me and JJ. JJ and I have become very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very close. Like, so close guys are saying we’re together. Romantically. But we’re not. We’re just very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very close. So close. Oh but Kaitlyn you’re cool too, don’t send me home. Me you and JJ could have some sick shower times together.”

Clint, like, actually starts visibly panicking when he realized Kaitlyn is serious about sending him home, probably because he knows this means he won’t be able to gaze into JJ’s eyes ever so intently anymore. I feel like he’s temporarily replaced Jared as Contestant Most Likely to Go On Serial Killing Spree.

Clint: “I’m so hurt, I really feel like I opened up…” Yaaasssss I’m sure you did, buddy. Teehee. Okay sorry I’m done now.

JJ: “Even if Clint goes home, I’ll probably know him and bone him on the side for the rest of my life.” Teehee. Okay sorry sorry I’m really done now.

When Kaitlyn brings Clint in to tell the guys he’s going home, JJ flips the switch and acts like he barely knows Clint, let alone like they’ve had some serious hot tub DMCs. “Clint, come on now, say you’re sorry or you’re not getting ice cream!” This is the man you love, JJ, not your three year old daughter, stop patronizing him! Clint seems more hurt by JJ’s sudden Judas act than by the fact that he’s getting sent home by the Bachelorette. There’s a steamy/alarming scene immediately following where it looks like JJ and Clint are about to kiss, then punch each other in the face, then waltz. I’m confused.

Shocker, JJ’s weird and sudden display of alliance to Kaitlyn does not win him more points with the guys. I think Tanner said it most eloquently: “JJ, if you’re gonna act like a **bleep** then just be a **bleep** but don’t come in acting like a **bleep** and then just be **bleepity bleep bleep bleep**.” I guess that’s how they communicate in the Auto Finance Industry. At least in Kansas.

Clint’s parting dig to JJ: “Hey, that tie goes really well with your shirt. F**ker.” –Spoken like the last words of a closeted Bachelorette contestant.

Finally Clint leaves and JJ starts to cry, then smacks himself in the face and mutters some tough love to himself, like “son of a b*tch” and “suck it up.” This is so off, I feel like I’m watching a much much less attractive version of Channing Tatum in Foxcatcher.

Chris H. tells Kaitlyn off-camera that if she keeps sending guys home in the middle of episodes the show’s going to be over, like, next week, and ABC is going to have to stop supporting her coke habit prematurely, so she decides to do away with a rose ceremony for this week and it’s off to our first destination date in NYC!

GROUP DATE #1: GETTIN’ FRESH

WHY was I not following Kaitlyn on Twitter during this time in the Big Apple, I could have totally stalked her out ughhh the regret. Kicking myself right now.

Ben Z., JJ, Justin, Shawn B., Ryan B., Corey, Jonathan, and Tanner are the lucky suckers chosen for this super fun super chill rap battle. WHAT is with Kaitlyn pitting these guys against each other in various battles, no wonder there’s such an antagonistic vibe in the house. The producers probably told her there was too much physical abuse going on, so she changed it to verbal. Whatever, if there’s zero chance of Jared’s not getting concussed at some point, I’m not interested.

Ben Z.: “New York is definitely a place where I can see myself falling in love.” –yes, Ben Z., all of the homeless people, rude assholes pushing you over in the street, and inescapable smell of Halal food carts really puts me in a romantic mood, too. Okay if you couldn’t tell I live in NYC.

Dragged into Offering his services to this group of would-be wordsmiths is none other than Doug E. Fresh, he who… okay I have absolutely no idea who he is. But clearly neither do the guys, except for of course Jonathan who the camera crew pans to in a super non-racial moment as Doug E. Fresh performs and everyone else looks bored and slightly confused.

JJ: “I don’t listen to rap, I listen to Broadway show tunes.” –not exactly helping you rehab your image back to hetero, honey.

I think the guys have ‘rap battle’ confused with ‘roast’ because they all use this as an opportunity to throw pointless but admittedly at times hilarious shade at each other. Justin kills it with the always classy #Alzheimer’shumor when he compares Shawn B. to Ryan Gosling and then says “this is like The Notebook, she’s gonna forget you.” We all know who the real loser was here, and it’s the guy who just openly admitted to a crowd of nubile young women and all of America that he’s intimately familiar with the plotline of the most effeminate romantic drama ever.

Kaitlyn the rap queen doesn’t even rap, she just sort of hangs around onstage and does her honky laugh every few minutes. I really think people mistook Kaitlyn for a funny person because she has a funny laugh, those two things are NOT interchangeable and this is becoming more and more readily apparent.

Finally the discomfort is over and we see Kaitlyn rushing through the crowd to throw her arms around—gasp!!—ASHLEY I. FROM FARMER CHRIS’S SEASON! Hiiiii Ashley! I have to say, major points to her for looking super hawt with a cute new haircut and a shirt that actually reaches past her navel. Points off for being sad/desperate enough to attend a Bachelorette group date in her off time but who knows, maybe she was just covering the event for whatever prestigious publication she’s doing “journalism” for now.

And who so just HAPPENS to be with Ashley I. but none other than…you guessed it…NICK!! Sparks are flying between Kaitlyn and Nick almost instantly, and we learn that they “had a connection on social media” (so, Skype sex) and she has an itty bitty little crush on him. Shockingly, Nick pulls Kaitlyn to the side to tell her he wants to try having something with her, and he just couldn’t let this opportunity pass him by to come on the show and blow her shit UP. So in other words, his rep got permanently wrecked from the Bachelorette’s casting him as the resident psycho/sociopath on Andi’s season, and this is pretty much his last shot at making rent.

Kaitlyn is FLOORED, and a little too excited at the prospect of having Nick join the crop of men. She goes to the group date but with the full intention of telling the guys she wants to bring Nick on ASAP because they suck and she’s just #notsointoit.

“The sight of the men right now just makes me nauseous.” –Spoken like a woman on the cusp of finding love.

Kaitlyn decides to wear a disgusting sweater to this part of the date possibly in a bid to make the guys all leave so she can just pick Nick and be done with it, but like the old faithfuls they are, the guys are into it and get super pissed when she mentions the possibility of Nick joining the show. Kaitlyn proves how much she cares about them by listening to their complaints, then immediately ditching them to go make out with Nick on the dock. But not before she mentions that malfunctioning heart of hers again: “My heart is literally beating out of my chest right now.” Honestly you guys she might have a murmur or something, from the sound of it that thing is constantly just on the verge of POPPING OUT. Like the vein in Clint’s forehead right before he got sent home.

These guys all know WAAYYYY too much about Nick and his past on the Bachelorette franchise right off the bat for me to feel comfortable. Justin is totally chill with Kaitlyn bringing Nick on because really what’s one more potential herpes carrier when you’re already sharing one woman’s tongue with fifteen other guys? Apparently Justin’s laissez faire attitude is the way to go because he snags the group date rose after Kaitlyn gets back from groping Nick. Also, Justin seems to have taken Shawn B.’s rap diss about his ‘do being from the 90s to heart, and is now sporting slicked-back hair. It ain’t great, but it’s an improvement.

Tanner: “This is the most meaningless rose of all the roses ever to be given out on the Bachelorette. And I should know, because I’ve watched every single episode religiously with a tub of ice cream and my hair in curlers.”

 “GOOD TALK” WITH ASHLEY S.

Why is the morning-after phone call with Nick punctuated by a video montage of what appears to be a post-apocalyptic New York City?

“Torn” (completely decided) about whether to let Nick onto the show, Kaitlyn need someone to talk to! And yes, before you ask, the totally batshit crazy chick from Farmer Chris’s season who used to talk to inanimate objects is unquestionably who I, too, would seek out if looking for life advice/ general guidance. So, Ashley S., here we come!

Ashley S. might be on some downers here because she has really mellowed out since her appearance on the show. Or (WHAT?!?) she could have just been ACTING like a psychopath for ratings. Impossible, I know. Either way she’s a hairdresser—crazy or not, I wouldn’t let her near me with a blow dryer after seeing how she handled herself on Paintball Night—and is giving Kaitlyn very sage, hairdresser-style advice such as “merrghh” and “hurghhh” and other unintelligible noises.

Kaitlyn: “It’s just like, we had this immediate connection. I feel like he saw into my SOUL.”

Ashley S.: “You’re just horny.”

Despite Ashley S.’s words of wisdom that Kaitlyn should take five seconds and really think about what she’s doing, Kaitlyn meets up with Nick and decides to let him come on the show. Shocker.

Kaitlyn: “I’m looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. And I really think it might be Nick, he liked my post on Facebook that one time and he always #regrams my Instas.” Ah, true love.

When I have a lot more time on my hands and have lost any semblance of self-respect, I’m going to come back to this episode and diligently chart the course of Kaitlyn’s hairdo during this segment, which sooo clearly was not done by Ashley S. and was just an excuse to get Ashley S. back on the show. First Ashley was just curling rando pieces on Kaitlyn’s head, then suddenly when she’s talking to Nick it’s in a braid, then in a talking head it’s in a nasty WET braid and then, on her date with Jared, suddenly it’s in a flawless half-updo that we’re supposed to believe Ashley S. did?! Are we stupid, ABC?!? Speaking of…

ONE-ON-ONE: JARED AND KAITLYN GO TO THE MET BUT ALL KAITLYN CAN THINK ABOUT IS NICK’S ‘ARTWORK’ IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING.

Poor, poor Jared. Just talking and talking and talking all the night long while Kaitlyn visibly spaces out and thinks about how she’d so much rather be with Nick. This is so unfair it’s almost painful. Also painful is Jared’s choice of hairstyle for this evening, clearly Shawn B. has kicked off a “gel it back” epidemic that is running rampant through the contestants.

This date is a lot of almost purposefully avoiding looking at the behemoth of gorgeous art on display, Jared talking, and Kaitlyn vaguely nodding until she sees an opportunity to bring Nick up in conversation and perks up. Despite Kaitlyn’s best attempts to talk about Nick for the rest of the night, Jared politely but firmly shuts it down and maintains that he feels confident about him and Kaitlyn, and no other guys matter. I love Jared a little bit for saying that but he’s super delusional, it definitely does matter and he is going home. Not tonight, since Kaitlyn does give him a rose—but eventually.

After the wasted opportunity to experience some culture at the Met, Kaitlyn almost pisses herself when she sees a helicopter awaiting them for a nighttime tour of NYC in what looks like dangerously unstable, un-helicopter friendly weather. “Where I come from we don’t have heeelicopters, we just have dog sleds. MUSH!” The ‘copter flies way too close to the Statue of Liberty for that to be legal, and Jared risks not only another bruised eye (WHY ISN’T IT HEALING) but being impaled on Lady Liberty’s torch. Ouch. That would be an easy way to knock one off, Kaitlyn, get you that much closer to just being able to choose Nick so I can get my Monday nights back.

GROUP DATE #2: TIME TO PLAY

This group date features Ian, Chris, Joe, Joshua, and Ben H. in Kaitlyn’s original rendition of: let’s see how far I can push these guys before they just up and quit and I get to choose Nick without looking like a biatch! Also known as Aladdin on Broadway.

Really, this looks like no fun at all and a date that Kaitlyn definitely orchestrated for 1) The reason stated above and 2) To get a taste of that performance life she’s sooo been chasing since she graduated high school. The guys all have to learn a dumb dance and perform “I Can Show You The World” in order to snag the priceless opportunity of getting to stand onstage with Kaitlyn in a ridiculous costume and remain mute for 5 seconds during the live show. If I was one of the guys on this date I might intentionally throw this one.

Joe: “What’s a theater? They don’t have theaters in Kentucky. For culture we just play wit dem pigs and sleep wit our cuzzins.”

Chris: “I want to go on a magic carpet ride with Kaitlyn. I am Aladdin. I am flaming.” Okay Chris actually thinks he’s Aladdin. Oh, Chris. Chris Chris Chris. You’re already on a magic carpet ride, sweetie, and it doesn’t look like it’s letting you off anytime soon. I don’t know about you guys but a street rat from Agrabah is not who I want giving me my 6-month dental cleaning, okay.

Wow these guys are terrible! Best goes to Ian and Chris for actually thinking they’re amazing while they, too, are terrible. The very professional and pissed-off stage manager and actual actor people eventually choose Chris, probably because his “performance” is so painful they can’t stand it anymore and just want it to be over.

Chris: “No one puts Cupcake in a corner!”

Watching Chris and Kaitlyn get all giddy about their “moment to shine” is almost laughable, they’re literally on stage for two seconds and they do NOTHING but stand there like idiots and get handed flowers until being forcibly led off by an actor who actually knows what the f*k he’s doing. Still, Chris tells Kaitlyn this was the best night of his life and he hopes she’s going to remember this moment forever, even when she’s eighty. When she’s eighty?! If I’m eighty and my standout memory is being an extra in a play, I want someone to end it for me right then and there.

After the big show they go find the Times Square New Year’s Eve ball for some reason. But at this point I’m more interested in Nick, who’s begun to make his way through Times Square–saddled by a ridiculous rolly bag–and towards the hotel and the guys at an incredibly menacing, sloth-like pace, like a Dementor in cords. Of course the episode ends riiiiiiight as that stupid bag crosses the threshold into the room, and we’re in the dark for another week! Arggghhhhh.

Will the guys at the hotel throw their super-fem stemmed wine glasses at Nick’s head in protest? Will he take Clint’s place as the new #villain’sgottavil? Tune in next week to find out!

BUT FIRST… A Britt and Brady update! Tra-la-la, they’re on a beach, wearing muted clothing and prancing around together. Apparently any semblance of a job or home life either of these two weirdos had before committing to being #BacheloretteBackburnered has been forsaken in favor of wandering from place to place together, holding hands and speaking vaguely of a future. Ah, love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

<< read previous read next >>

MORE FROM AROUND THE WEB

Post a comment