The Bachelorette: How Low Can You Sumo?

So this week’s trainwreck begins pretty much the same way last week’s ended: with Kaitlyn stomping around in her sparkly cut-out dress demanding justice against the evil Kupah. Not sure if the Kupes is a NAACP plant or if he just likes attention, but bro will NOT let it go and Kaitlyn’s #overit.

Kupah: “Honestly, I don’t even like her that much right now.” LOL um, Kupah, she’s been trying to get rid of you for the last hour, I don’t think she really gives an eff how you personally feel about her right now.

And yet–the first tears of the season, shed by K after Kupah finally, finally leaves in a huff (we can still hear him cursing from the van as it pulls away). Really, over this? Tough it out, woman, you’re from Canada– don’t you skin mollusks and wear them as body art?! This should be child’s play compared to that!

Kaitlyn cleans herself up and marches back in to tell the guys that she “needs them to be really open” and tell her how they’re feeling at all times. Unless what you want to tell me is that you feel used, or mistreated, or ignored–then you’re outtie. On to the rose ceremony!

We say goodbye to Daniel and Cory (infinitely more attractive than CorEy, btw), but oh no, not Tony–the healer with the shoulder-length hair and inexplicably still-bruised eye snags a rose. Come ON. If this isn’t a desperate bid to wrangle another Crazy Ashley-esque hit from Farmer Chris’s season, idk what is! Tony, really? Really, Kaitlyn?

Kaitlyn on sending Daniel home, as she’s crying, AGAIN: “He just seemed so sweet, and charming, and funny… but ABC told me I had to keep Tony in for the production value or they’re going to sic Kupah on me, so YOLO.”

THE SUMO WRESTLING/DIAPER DATE

The guys are woken up by two giant Japanese men in Big & Tall diaper-thongs banging on gongs. Apparently, the only disturbing element of this to Ben Z. was the gongs. “I thought they were banging on pots or something, which would have been totally chill, but then they turned out to be GONGS!” Really, Ben Z.? That’s the only part of all this that makes you uncomfortable?

The weirdness level ratchets up by 1,000 when it becomes clear that the participating guys’ challenge will be to don giant diapers while chasing each other around a small circle. What is it with this season and encouraging physical aggression? This makes Laila Ali week look like summer camp.

JJ is wayyyy too excited about the chance to see all these guys clad only in diaper-thongs #foreshadow. “I love Japanese culture. I love sushi.” JJ, so cultured right now, JJ. Spoken exactly like someone who has absolutely zero grasp on anything Japanese culture.

Jared: “It’s like I don’t really want to look, but I also definitely want to look so I’m just going to stand around and ogle these basically naked guys even though it’s my off day and I could be, like, trimming my disgusting goatee or working on purpling up that tiny bruise under my eye so I keep playing that pity card.” Hey, saddos gotta sad.

The Tony Meltdown

Well, I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. Did I see it happening while Tony was doing his best mafia baby impression with that ridiculous diaper, half-ponytail, and blackout sunglasses getup? Not necessarily.

Tony is soo upset at Kaitlyn because he’s a man of peace and he feels like the show has been all about aggression. Oh wait, sorry, this is actually what Tony said: “I’m a f**king peaceful dude and I just want to f**king talk to you and take you on dates and it’s so f**king f**kity f**k f**k annoying that we’re expected to fight when all I want to do is f**king chill.” Spoken like a true zen master. I’m feeling calmer already.

Tony just wants to do something relaxing like mountain climbing, or skydiving, or bungee jumping– he doesn’t want to do this stressful dancing around in a diaper shit. This guy is actually a crazy study in contradictions right now.

Kaitlyn is soo not interested, her mind is on one thing and one thing only: getting another peek at Joe’s left, um, asset. “Me want men in diapers. Me want to see more junk. Tony bye bye.”

Also Ian I love you but like why are you involved in this like, at all?

Eventually Kaitlyn reveals the “big surprise” that yes, they actually do get to sumo wrestle in front of a crowd of, I hope, not unsuspecting minors. Did anybody sign a waiver before agreeing to stand around watching multiple men’s genitals bounce in and out of a square of cloth? This feels like coercion, people.

Too bad JJ’s rainbow tattoo isn’t expansive enough to cover more of that backne. Yuck.

Tony decides to bail not only on the date, but on the entire process, rather than give in to this bid to revert to his primal instincts and fight the good sumo fight. So someone REALLY didn’t want to reveal the size of his package. Off he goes into the night, wearing a strange woven sweatshirt that almost makes me miss the diaper and chewing on a dandelion, as Kaitlyn looks like she honestly couldn’t give an eff. Namaste.

The Clint Thing, Part 1

Swapping out one crazy for another, Clint’s acting pretty frigging weird during the party portion of this group date. First he says he’s playing hard to get because wants Kaitlyn to come to him, but then he says he doesn’t know if he’s that into her. I hate JJ, but he’s right: Clint’s strategy sucks. Has the guy never seen an episode of this show before? Things get even weirder when Kaitlyn publicly calls Clint out for not talking to her after she gives Shawn B. the group date rose… honestly, she needs to do a little more self-editing before these little group moments, why is she like grading the guys on their performances. Maybe this is why Tony got so anxious.

Clint: “I’m over Kaitlyn but I’m defs cultivating relationships with the other guys and might get to shower with JJ later, so I’m gonna stick it in out.”

Date With Ben Z.

Chris Harrison does a “surprise set up” (i.e. runs it by Kaitlyn and totally gets her approval beforehand) and sends Kaitlyn and Ben Z. out for a charming day in a terrifying torture chamber with live rodents and smelly gas. So hawt, you guys! Luckily these two push through the smell, sights, and sounds to suck face for a large portion of the date. Kissing a guy right after he’s stuck his hand into a toilet bowl full of a questionable red substance and snake feces– we do what we have to, amiright ladies?

Ah, and there’s the old Bachelor/ette “love takes trust love is fear love is letting a guy put his hands on me after he touches snake pee” metaphor/analogy. Only this time it’s in a dank basement instead of on top of a mountain and/or bridge and/or building. Budget cuts, people, budget cuts. The principle remains the same, though: if we can solve this ridiculous code that’s probably written on the back of your hand anyways, we can get through anything together!

What seems like two-plus hours to figure out that the code is ROSES? ROSES?!! Ben Z. is floored by Kaitlyn’s smarts as she deftly looks at the fluorescent letters spelling out ROSES and deduces that the code word is ROSES. This probably explains why Ben Z. had no qualms about putting his hand in an overflowing snake-toilet.

The ‘romantic’ portion of the date–hopefully separated from the torture chamber portion by a long, long shower–is actually pretty cute, Kaitlyn seems super comfortable with Ben Z. and I totally don’t find his sob story (or I guess stoic story, since the poor thing hasn’t cried in 11 years… OMG. I consider it a coup if I go 11 days without dissolving into a blubber-pool) as annoying as I usually would. He just seems really genuine and sweet and… okay okay sorry I think all those gas fumes from the torture chamber are going to my head. Movin’ on!

Creepy Group Date Teaching Minors About Sex Oh No Wait They’re Actors JK LOL

The Bachelorette date development team needs to be fired, like, yesterday. They’ve really hit a new low with this one… even after I found out it wasn’t an actual school, or an actual teacher (sorry, I mean schoolmarm–why did they need to dress her like she was in an 18th century schoolhouse?!), or actual schoolchildren, I was still skeeved out. And, if I had been the guys, super annoyed– what a sucky, weird date. And all so Kaitlyn can indulge in her sick desire to find out “if the guys know their way around down there.” Shudder. Honestly, give them a fifteen-minute pop quiz before the next rose ceremony and figure it out, although I’m not sure having my guy understand the innerworkings of how the uterin lining sheds itself during each menstrual period as a “must” in qualities I’m looking for, but hey, to each their own.

I’ll admit that watching the guys fumble their way through diagrams, charts, and the “Q&A” session that Jonathan specifically was way too aggressive about (“come on, guys, ask me anything. Ask me questions. Anything you want, really. ASK ME SOMETHING, YOU LITTLE SNOT-NOSED F**KS”) is pretty entertaining. Except for Ben H., who has waaayyyy too good of a grasp on how to explain sex to children. Concerning, unless he uses the same pitch to sell his software: “So, when one disc really loves another disc..” (okay, sorry, I don’t get software.)

Joshua is definitely dying to, like, go 3D on these kids’ asses and just weld a giant vagina right now.

The Clint Thing, Part 2

While some Bachelorette contestants are corrupting America’s youngest, most impressionable minds, others are corrupting viewers’ adult-but-totally-not-ready-for-this-on-the-Bachelorette-WTF minds with some serious bro-mance brewing between JJ and Clint. I actually for the life of me have no idea what in the holy hell is happening here. Is this why Clint was such a standout wrestler in college? Is JJ’s ego so starved for attention that he’ll let Clint eye-f**k him with abandon? Which opportunistic producer supplied these idiots with matching bathing suits? And on, and on.

Okay Now Back To The Group Date

Having proved that they can (mostly) find their way around a vahoohoo, the date moves on to the party portion of the evening. Clearly all of this anatomy talk has turned Kaitlyn on something fierce, because girl is up in ERRYBODY’S bidness. My gosh, poor Ben H. can’t even get a sentence out before she’s jumping his bones. And then she gives him the group date rose! This just proves that the way to any women’s heart is a firm grasp of explaining sexual intercourse to minors.

Ewww when K is sucking face with Jared I’m actually so uncomfortable that part of me wants back in the torture chamber with the cockroaches and snakes, Idon’tcareIdon’tcare just make it stop.

Jared: “I just want to keep, like, talking to Kaitlyn so I can eventually pinpoint her weaknesses and exploit them when I lock her in my dungeon and murder her ever so slowly” #villain’sgottavil.

Cocktail Party/ Un-Rose Ceremony/ The Clint Thing, Part 3/ WTF

These guys all have soo many feelings I’m honestly emotionally exhausted from all this, and it’s only Week 3. Tony’s going to need to book me a spot next to him at whatever treatment center he ends up at, because GEEZ this is draining. Why are the guys all sooo upset about the Clint and JJ thing? Give them their bromance and, while Clint’s popping JJ’s zits in the shower–if you know what I mean–just use it as a way to get closer to K! Am I the ONLY one thinking strategically here?

But noo, they all have to go waa-waa-waaing to Mommy K first thing and tattletale on Clint and JJ. Most of these conversations go like something along these lines:

RPC (random pussy contestant): Kaaaaaaitlyn!!

K: Wut?

RPC: JJ and Clint aren’t being nice to me!

K: Y?

RPC: They keep going off on their own and showering together and hanging out in hot tubs together and not including me!!

K: So what you’re saying is, you’re mad you aren’t being invited to shower and hot tub with two other potentially homosexual men?

RPC: What?! No! I just… I feel… I just want them to be here for the right reasons!

K: K. Kewl.

Something like that.

Kaitlyn finally gets upset after Clint sweet-talks her into thinking he was just nervous on the group date, and not actively still picturing JJ in that tight little diaper, only to find out from all the guys that she’s been played with a capital G-A-Y. And, because this season will literally do nothing but continue to exploit viewers and manipulate us in the worst way possible, the episode ends with yet another Kaitlyn stalk-off as she marches away to go find Clint and get some answers! Listen Kaitlyn you can’t blame the guy for acting like an a-hole, after all he was wearing power socks. What was he supposed to do?

So, next week: will Clint get the boot? Why do we see him and JJ engaged in what appears to be a lovers’ quarrel? And ooohhhh…. NICK!!

Stay tuned, you might think it couldn’t get weirder but I assure you, it will! Until then, fellow fans.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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