Mondays just got a whole lot better. Yes, friends, The Bachelorette is back only two months after last season’s final rose episode aired (thanks for the quick turnaround time, ABC). But unfortunately for Bachelor/Bachelorette nation, the season premiere was more cringe-inducing than anything else due to ABC’s completely insane decision to have two Bachelorettes.

Chris Harrison starts out the night by telling us it’s already one of the most talked about nights even though the episode hasn’t even aired yet. He politely calls ABC’s decision “controversial.” I can think of a few more descriptive words: sexist, cruel and unusual, painful to watch.

Chris H. reminds us of Kaitlyn and Britt’s stories, as if we could ever forget Britt’s ugly crying after Chris S. sent her home before the rose ceremony even started or that time a monkey peed on Prince Farming.

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Britt and Kaitlyn talk about how nervous-but-excited they are and pretend they don’t hate each other. I love Kaitlyn’s dress, but I have to admit Britt looks great, too. It looks like the producers made her shower for the premiere. They clearly dressed the girls to match their personalities.

The Bachelors

jonathan

Jonathan has a really cute son and we see clips of them traipsing around in the snow together. He tells us he’s more interested in Britt. I lose interest in Jonathan immediately.

joey

My first thought upon meeting Joe in Kentucky is that he looks like Ronnie from Jersey Shore. My second thought is that he looks like the Geico caveman. Joe tells us that all his friends are married because he’s from the South and he thought he would be married by now, but things didn’t work out. He tell us this while we watch clips of him doing countray thangs like walking in a barn/stable.

Ronnie
Ronnie
Geico caveman
Geico caveman

You can’t deny the resemblance.

Brady

We find Brady recording music in his studio, obvs, because he’s a wannabe singer from Nashville. Does anyone else think Brady’s voice isn’t even that good? Brady also likes Britt better, which makes me think ABC is just trying to trick us into thinking the Bachelorette will be Britt.

jared

This guy was so boring that they didn’t even have anything to film him doing during his intro, so they just did shots of him thoughtfully gazing at the ocean and walking through the snow as he ponders the meaning of life. Then he tells us that his alter ego is “Love Man.” I don’t know why but I don’t like Jared’s face. Probably because he ALSO wants Britt.

joshua

FINALLY someone who likes Kaitlyn. Joshua is an “industrial welder” and basically Chris Soules but with an actual personality. We see Joshua walking around his Idaho farm and welding some stuff. He welds a rose for Kaitlyn and it’s actually seriously adorable. I also love his accent. Joshua is the new Farmer Chris.

Capture

If Kaitlyn is the Bachelorette (and I think she will be), then I predict Ian will be the Bachelor. They spent such a long time on his intro and he talks about how he’s doing the show for Kaitlyn. Ian is really hot, ran track at Princeton, and has a good tragic backstory (which I’m assuming is now a prerequisite for becoming a contestant on this show). He was in a hit-and-run accident and we were sad for him because he thought he’d never run again, but then they cut to him working out on the beach and we got happy again.

ben Z

Ben Z is doing pushups when we meet him and he’s incredibly attractive. He is a “fitness coach” and we go awwww as he looks at pictures of his mom who passed away when he was 14. See what I mean about the tragic backstory prerequisite thing? Ben Z says he’d be happy with either girl as the Bachelorette.

Josh

Look at Josh, so studious at the library because he’s a law student. But law school is expensive, and Josh has rock hard abs, so naturally he would turn to “exotic dancing” as his side job. Josh undeniably has an amazing body but after watching him be swarmed by women, gyrating creepily, and taking a dollar bill out of a woman’s mouth with his mouth (do you know how dirty money is?!) I don’t think I’d want to touch him with a ten-foot stripper pole.

tony

Tony is a 35-year old “healer” and therefore they had to accompany his intro with soothing yoga music. He can do a headstand and we say awww when he tells his plants he loves them. Wait, no we don’t, that was totally weird. This guy literally talks to plants. Cut to Tony stretching out healing one of his patients. Can we call them patients, even? What is this guy’s credentials? Tony tells us, “Each piece of life fits like a puzzle and I understand the shape of the puzzle piece.” Don’t worry, we’ll have more quotes from him later.

Cut back to the girls waiting for the limos to arrive. Britt tells us she’s going to meet her husband tonight and that she’s actually glad the guys are voting for the Bachelorette. “That makes it more organic. I think it’s cool!” Ugh, shut up, Britt.

Limo arrivals

So begins the most awkward sequence of the night: the guys get out of the limo and have to choose which Bachelorette to approach first. At first, all the guys go to Britt first, and Kaitlyn stands there with a forced smile not really sure what to do with herself. Jonathan, Clint, Ryan B, Jared, Kupah and Brady ALL go to Britt first. Kaitlyn tells us this makes her feel really bad about herself. Well, duh!

poor Kaitlyn :(
Kupah and Clint go to Britt first–poor Kaitlyn 🙁

Kaitlyn: “I just hope the guys will give me the opportunity to prove to them that I deserve this chance.” Is she the Bachelorette or a contestant!?? This is so twisted.

Britt tells Brady he smells really, really good. This doesn’t mean much coming from Britt, the unhygienic Disney princess.

Britt: “Kaitlyn doesn’t seem like herself right now and that’s kinda sad.” SHE IS SO FAKE. UGH.

Finally, ABC stops slowly torturing Kaitlyn and Ian comes out. He goes to Kaitlyn first and tells her he’s hoping the Bachelorette will be her. Awwww.

JJ

Then JJ comes out and, in a very Kaitlyn-esque manner, makes a joke.

**hands Kaitlyn a hockey puck**

JJ: I would love to puck you.

Kaitlyn: You pucked me good.

justin

Justin comes out with balloons for Kaitlyn and they inhale helium together. Aww how romantic! Justin is really cute, although I will say that his haircut makes him look like that European guy who tried to hit on you in that sleazy discotech.

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Ryan M, a “junkyard specialist,” tells us he’s obsessed with Kaitlyn. More on him later.

bradley

Brad comes out with a red sweatband on his head. What’s with that? Oh okay, he also brought a tennis racket because they all came here looking for a “love-love match.” Sorry Brad, but JJ’s sports reference joke was way better.

Daniel

Daniel does a really weird dance as he walks up to Kaitlyn, but of course his dance isn’t nearly as weird (and certainly not as creepy) as Josh’s erotic performance. Kaitlyn says of Josh: “Britt, you can have this one.”

Joe brought Kaitlyn some moonshine! How romantic…? I do love his accent, though.

tanner

My favorite part of the night without a doubt was when Tanner tells Britt he brought her a gift. Britt is so excited because guys kept bringing Kaitlyn gifts and she obvi got jealous. Tanner tells her he watched last season and so he brought her a packet of tissues. BUUUUUURNNNN. Britt pretends she thinks this is so sweet but is actually seriously pissed.

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Kaitlyn: “What is that, soap or tissues?” DOUBLE BURN

shawn b

Shawn B comes out and asks for a group hug, which is the smartest thing any of the contestants have done all night. When he talks to Britt, she feels a connection and is super into him. Then he goes over to Kaitlyn and tells her she’s the reason he came on the show, and Britt’s face falls. Sucks to suck.

Kaitlyn decides she’s done playing ABC’s cruel games and quickly runs into the house to say hi to the guys. Britt calls this “cheating” but really she’s just mad she didn’t think of it first. “I just have to do it the way I feel is right. I think I’ll be the bachelorette just because of how I feel about this.” Clearly Britt is just as delusional as she was last season.

Corey

Corey plays beach volleyball and tells Kaitlyn he’s not a farmer, but he hopes the offer to plow her field is still on the table. Nice. But honestly, does anyone actually believe that Corey is 30? He looks like a 42-year old plastic surgeon.

Everyone’s favorite healer, Tony, comes out and has a great line prepared for Britt: “I’ve been waiting for this moment for awhile. I believe in love. Real love. And I hope that the universe provides.” Britt stares wide-eyed at him, in awe of his beautiful words and probably pretty pleased with herself that he said this to her. Then he goes over to Kaitlyn and says the EXACT SAME LINE. Awkwardddd.

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Meanwhile, ABC has deemed Ryan M as “drunk guy” and he starts telling us that he is “all horned up right now.” Ryan M is so drunk that when Shawn E, amateur sex coach (we’ll talk about this later, don’t worry) shows up in his hot tub car (the “carpool de ville”), Ryan  comes outside and tells him his car sucks and he sucks. Good one, Ryan.

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Chris the dentist shows up in a cupcakemobile. My first response upon seeing this was, who wants candy corn on their cupcake?! But Chris is actually really cute and charming.

The torture ends and the girls finally get to go in the house

Kaitlyn starts things off with a joke as is her style.

Kaitlyn: “Knock knock.”

Guys: “Who’s there?”

Kaitlyn: “Two bachelorettes.”

Guys: “Two bachelorettes who?”

Kaitlyn: “That’s the joke.” SPOT ON, KAITLYN!

But Britt, being Britt, is obvi not pleased that someone else got more attention than her.

Britt: “Kaitlyn’s joke kind of speaks to what is different about Kaitlyn and I. This is our chance to walk in and say what we’re looking for, not to do stand up. Maybe that’s one of the things that’s different about us–what we’re looking for and how serious we are about finding it.” Bitter much, Britt?

The rest of the night is the guys schmoozing with the girls and talking about which girl they prefer. Honestly, this sounds more like a caucus than a cocktail party.

Kupah: “Britt is a trophy wife, but Kaitlyn is a wife.” Profound thoughts, Kupah.

Highlights:

  • Ian and Kaitlyn have private time. Ian is DEFINITELY going to make it far in this competition. Kaitlyn to Ian: “I also enjoy your nipples, those are ridiculous.”
  • Kaitlyn says Shawn B is the closest she’s come to love at first sight!!! Awwwww. The picture his nephew drew of Kaitlyn is adorable.
  • Britt tells Tony “You felt very centered” when she met him and that “I have a very strong sense of who you are.” Sure, Britt.
  • Clint built a frame for Kaitlyn. The only thing more impressive than the frame is his artist’s rendition of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops.
  • Ben H asks Kaitlyn about her bird tattoos, and Kaitlyn says that throughout her entire season with Chris Soules, he never asked her about them. She tells him it’s the only bird that knows how to fly home, and that even though she’s lived all over the world, her family is so important to her and she values where she came from. Apparently this is enough to convince him to vote for Kaitlyn
  • Tanner says he likes Kaitlyn, but wants to give Britt a chance. Britt calls him out for being a dick by bringing her a pack of tissues, and that’s probably the most I’ve liked her all night. Cut to Tanner telling the guys, “I’m voting for Kaitlyn.”

The awkward rose voting

Chris comes in and tells the guys it’s time to vote for who they want to be the Bachelorette. Tony the healer lets the spirits decide for him so he doesn’t waste any time and goes in to vote for Britt. The energy from Britt’s rose box was pulsating, so it’s not like it was a hard decision.

In case you’re wondering, I kept track of who the guys voted for (we didn’t find out every guy’s vote, though) so that when the other girl is chosen as the Bachelorette we’ll remember that they didn’t vote for her originally and like him less.

For Britt: Tony, Jonathan, Kupah (WTF), Josh, Brady

For Kaitlyn: Corey, Ben Z, Ben H, Ian

For the floor: Ryan M

Brady: “This might be one of the biggest decisions I’ll ever make.” Where have we heard that before? Oh yeah, every episode of the Bachelor and the Bachelorette ever made.

Ryan M’s drunkeness

ryan m

Ryan M is pretty drunk at this point. He keeps getting into fights with people, including Shawn E (who wanted to defend his hot tub car’s honor), JJ, and Ben Z. After drunkenly slurring at Britt while semi-holding her hostage and grabbing Kaitlyn’s butt, he decides to take off all his clothes and go for a pleasant night swim in the pool. Probably the best part of this is that he drunkenly trips on the steps of the pool but somehow manages not to spill his beer. TG for that.

Some notable Ryan M quotes:

“I wanna date both of them because I’m selfish. I’m a very selfish person.”

“I’d like to take this girl out to a nice steak dinner and never call her again.”

“Is this the gay bachelor? Seriously.”

“I didn’t do anything. Besides being awesome.”

to JJ: “Why am I not raping you right now?”

about JJ, after fighting with like three other guys tonight: “I’ve never really had a problem with anybody before. That guy sucked.”

Security guy: “Chris Harrison would like to speak to you real quick.”

Ryan: “Chris Hanson?”

Chris tells Ryan M he has to go home, big surprise there. There’s already a car waiting for him, since there’s a 99.9% chance this was pre-planned by the show. Ryan M doesn’t even get a limo to leave in, he has to go in a white van.

End of the night

Chris Harrison comes in and says it’s time to tally up the votes. Kaitlyn aptly says, “It’s all fun and games until Chris Harrison walks into the room.” Chris’s trusty security bro helps him tally up the votes. The guys engaged in a competition called, “how many different ways can we say we feel bad for Britt and Kaitlyn?” Britt and Kaitlyn are both really sad, uncomfortable, and upset, and who can blame them?!  They both say how crushed they’ll be if they have to go home tonight.

Surprise, surprise, the episode ends with Chris Harrison walking out to tell the girls who’s going home and who gets to stay and we won’t find out the results until tomorrow night. Didn’t see that coming.

But wait, there’s more!

In case you turned off the TV before you saw Shawn E’s painfully inappropriate and hilarious exchange with Britt, here’s how it went:

Shawn E: “So what are you looking for?”

Britt: “I just really want a best friend, a partner.”

Shawn E: “I can do that for you. I’m a sex coach. It’s because I found out that I don’t want anything to go stale in my relationship. Let’s get those anal toys. Just make sure that you put something on them so they don’t get stuck in your bowels.”

In case you’re wondering, his “amateur” status stems from the fact that he wants to try out EVERYTHING with “his partner” before he actually teaches others. Ew, ew, ew.

Closing thoughts

Being the Bachelorette is supposed to be redemption for the rejects of last season, and this was the total opposite of that. The whole night has just been so awkward  and uncomfortable for Britt and Kaitlyn and made them feel bad about themselves. The fact that they wasted valuable spots for normal men on guys like Ryan M and Shawn E just for entertainment value is totally unfair to the women. ABC I’M SO MAD AT YOU RN.

But of course I’m tuning in again to watch tonight….