…”Oh, sunny Santa Fe would be nice…” (cue Rent music fade out)

But not as nice as Thailand or ‘Nam! I wonder if the women of this season are just pissed off that they have yet to be whisked off to a random locale outside the U.S. and are just like ‘I’m outtie’ and intentionally trying to throw the season by acting batshit cray. Maybe this is a secret uprising of the Bachelor Contestants’ Women’s Union (BCWU) or something. Because this week, the level of crazy is OFF. THE. CHARTS. And I can’t say I’m not loving it, but I almost feel bad for Farmer Chris and his look of permanent bewilderment as he realizes one by one that these ladies are all certifiable. **cue Kelsey’s hyena laugh ricocheting off the mountains**

Cutie-Pie Carly snags the first one-on-one date card, with the super subtle tagline of “Let’s come together”. #Foreshadow. FC isn’t sure about his and Carly’s romantic connection, so obv the easy fix is to engage in a breathing/meditation/tantric sex workshop together to find out if they’re compatible. I mean, that would be my first go-to for sure.

All is well as the two practice deep breathing together, feed each other chocolate-dipped strawberries, and so forth. But drama ensues when, tasked with removing items of each other’s clothing, Carly pauses in the midst of pulling down FC’s pants (they’re already both shirtless) and, with unshed tears in her eyes, whispers “I’m really uncomfortable.” WTF, CARLY?! YOU’RE UNCOMFORTABLE UNDRESSING A MAN WHOSE MAIN INTERACTION WITH YOU SO FAR HAS BEEN TO POSE IN A RIFF OF AMERICAN GOTHIC!? Ugh, what a prude, you guys. Totally ridic. ‘Transformative Breath Teacher’ Tziporah Kingsbury tries to smile through her panic, she’s secretly like oh crap, I don’t get paid by the show unless I convince you guys to strip off tops AND bottoms.

FC is a little too understanding and agreeable—whatcha hidin’ down there, farm boy?—but they quickly move on to another exercise which involves a lot of lap straddling and heavy mouth breathing. Hey, if that feels less intimate to Carly than taking off the guy’s pantaloons, who am I to judge? All I can wonder is what they each had for breakfast, and hope that a producer was kind enough to slip them both mints before this exercise. Luckily for Tziporah, Carly & Chris soon start making out with gusto, so looks like the sexy workshop has accomplished its goal after all. Breathe in, breathe out. Carly gets rosed and looks super surprised and a little suspicious—oh, never mind, those are just her eyebrows. Namaste.

Next up is the group date, where the card reveals that the women are going to “Rapidly fall in love.” White water rafting—too bad Jillian is gone, she could have like broke an oar in half and pounded her chest or something. The role of Damsel in Distress goes to Jade on this date, as she falls into the water (LOL) for what looks like about 5 seconds, and then proceeds to not be able to feel her hands or feet. Apparently, Jade has a “very rare condition” where she gets hypothermia even in temps that others would consider normal! So I’m guessing all of her nudie Playboy shoots must have taken place indoors, then.

Fast-forward to the party that evening where everything is trundling on just as it should be, when—GASP!—a surprise appearance from a jilted former cast member seeking a second chance! It’s… Jordan? Her sorority house must have run dry, because she drove all the way from Colorado to Santa Fe to snag a few free cocktails plead with FC for a second chance, her IDGAF attitude replaced with sincerity and maturity. Zzzzz.

In classic spineless FC fashion, rather than just giving her the boot straight away, he brings her into the party and spends what seems like hours conferring with each individual woman about her thoughts on bringing Jordan back. Whitney is hilar when she’s all: “I like Jordan. Really I do. But, like, not here. I don’t like her here. Like if she stays I’m going to punch her in the face and then talk to her in my baby voice until she kills herself… but I like her, you guys, really!” Whitney’s approach seems to work on FC, though, because after he ultimately ousts Jordan, Whit ends up getting the date rose. Faring less graciously in all of this is the indomitable Ashley I., who tries to stage a failed coup to turn all of the women against Jordan and tell FC that she NEEDS to go, it’s NOT fair!!!!

Ashley I. has made two key mistakes here as far as I can tell: the first is allying herself with Mackenzie, who is dumb as rocks and honestly probably doesn’t know what the word coup means (but is definitely naming her next child that), let alone able to help Ashley turn the other girls to her side. The second is wearing a white dress that’s so short it shows off her cooch. Maybe she understands irony more than I’ve given her credit for!

Britt snags the final one-on-one date of the week, and she’s sooooo excited until she comprehends that the word “heights” in the clue means they’ll be doing something involving heights, and then she’s sooooo upset because she has a horrible fear of heights!! This chick is a study in extremes. But the show must go on, and in this case it’s a 4:30A.M. wakeup call where FC is FLABBERGASTED that Britt can look so perfect first thing in the morning. Omg, that’s because she’s wearing glitter on her eyelids, you moron.

It appears that, in addition to her fear of heights and FC seeing her morning face, Britt might also have a fear of water and generally being clean, because the ladies are circulating some heavy rumors that Britt never showers. Ew. She always looks so hot though. This one’s a head scratcher for me (no pun intended).

But not as much of a head scratcher as when Britt sees the activity for the day—hot-air ballooning—and her fear of heights automatically turns into a manic sort of elation. I don’t get it: if you’re scared of heights, why would, say, rappelling down a mountain or skydiving be more frightening than the prospect of rising hundreds of feet into the sky in a BALLOON?

The ballooning goes off without a hitch, and Britt & Chris return to the hotel for some dessert, coffee, and closed-door time in Chris’s suite so they can “nap”. Mmmhmmm. All I’m saying is, I hope Chris made her take shower before he let her hop into that bed, otherwise someone is in for an unpleasant surprise when he watches the episode back.

Eventually Britt makes her way back into the ladies’ suite where she gushes about the date, and (at the producer’s urging) casually lets it slip that she and Chris spent 2+ hours in his hotel room so they could “nap”. Mmmhmmm. The ladies are pissed, especially Carly, who was forced to lie idly in her bed pretending to be asleep while FC crept into her room first thing in the morning to steal Britt away.

And that, folks, is when the shit really starts to Hit. The. Corncab/cob.

INTRODUCING NUCKING FUTS KELSEY!

So, we knew there may have been something a touch off about this chick: she got the crazy eyes, the crazy laugh, and she regularly styles her hair using butterfly clips. But we also know that she’s a widow, and in this episode we get the full story: Kelsey confides in the ladies that her husband, a one Sanderson Poe (OKAY I’M SORRY I KNOW THIS IS VERY VERY SAD BUT LOLOLOL SANDERSON POE?! NOT POSSIBLE THAT’S A REAL NAME), dropped dead one morning in 2013 from congestive heart failure. Of course, Ashley I.’s first thought is how Kelsey’s sad story tots tops hers, but I’m like don’t worry honey, being a 26-year-old virgin who’s never had a relationship is preeeeetty tragic, I think your odds are still solid here.

Anyways, it seems like something in Kelsey snaps after hearing about Britt and Chris’s “nap” (Mmmhmmm), and she immediately trounces off to tell him her story. So up until now this is pretty classic Bachelor stuff. But then. But THEN.

Kelsey openly admits in a talking head that she thinks her story is amazing and she’s basically using it to get Chris and to write her own fairy tale and you can tune in at 8P.M. on Mondays to watch her love story unfold!!!!!!!!!!

AND F.C. BUYS IT!!

OOOOMMMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

Cue the cocktail party/rose ceremony, and something is amiss in the air. Kelsey is looking much too pleased with herself, and the ladies know something is UP. And it’s not just Kelsey’s bob, which has been scraped back off her face for even more momsy results than usual. No, it’s Kelsey’s CONFIDENCE.

Girl clearly thinks she has it in the bag post-confession, and from her murmurings it almost seems like she thinks FC is going to end the show right now and choose her as the winner. But then FC comes out and, seeming quite unsettled, slogs through a bit of his usual eloquent stumble/mutter combo before saying he “needs a moment” and heading out, much to the chagrin and confusion of the ladies.

Except for Kelsey, who’s still wearing that self-satisfied, infuriating, shit-eating grin because she’s convinced she’s just won the entire damn show!

We still don’t find out just what exactly is going on in FC’s head, even after some gentle probing by Tziporah Kingsbury—nah, just kidding, it’s Chris Harrison—but we do know he wants to skip the cocktail party and go straight for the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison announces the plan to the ladies, who look alarmed, and then Kelsey gets up and…

FAINTS?

OR HAS A PANIC ATTACK?

OR THINKS SHE’S GOING HOME AND FAKES A PANIC ATTACK?

All we see is her rolling around on the floor making odd keening noises, and being assisted by a woman named Dianne with just a lovely accent. But before we can piece this all together, the episode ends with a cyptic “To be continued….” And now we don’t know which way is up!

So WHAT just happened? Has Kelsey managed to medical-condition herself out of this rose ceremony? Will there even be a rose ceremony? How will she ever practice as a guidance counselor again after all of this duplicitous, borderline-sociopathic behavior?

Tune in to find out all this and more on next week’s recap!