Forgive this somewhat truncated Bachelor recap! Thanks to Winter Storm Juno, I got stranded on the west coast and took a little while to find suitable Bachelor-viewing accommodations. But I live to serve, so here’s most of the show! I missed the first group date, which involved camping, and Kaitlyn skinny dipping or something (we’ve seen it teased over the last couple of weeks), and then Chris’s sisters apparently deciding who he should pick for the first solo date of the evening, a “princess date.” We now return you to our program already in progress…

Farmer Chris is practicing a terrible box step like it’s Dirty Dancing 3: Iowa Nights. His sisters chose the date for him tonight, and he doesn’t know who it is…who did they pick? He’s hoping for a fairy tale, and the fair princess who meets him is…Jade. She’s in a flowy batik-ish gown with a little train, and a ton of sparkly necklaces—sort of like if you asked a 21 year old to dress like Elsa from Frozen.

FROZEN

She feels like she’s being swept off her feet, especially when she looks over and sees Cinderella’s glass slipper sitting next to the date rose. (I have no idea why, since they seem to be dining in some sort of abandoned train station.)

She and FC exchange their previous engagement stories—how romantic! She was engaged at 21 (oof) and he was engaged to someone he dated for 7 years. No wonder he decided “date 25 girls for 6 weeks” was a more efficient way to find a wife the second time around.

Back at Famewhore Manor, Ashley I. is furious that she has the perfect princess dress for a princess date but didn’t get picked. (She got a camping date, which she clearly hated.) She decides she’s going to wear her super-sparkly gown anyway, to the amusement of the other girls who are clad in hanging-around clothes and having a barbecue. They’re obviously over her dramatics, and someone shouts after her, “The sad thing is, you don’t have a prince!” The editors are rolling their eyes as well, as they pan down her bejeweled bodice of Sad Princessdom to…the corn on the cob she’s nibbling on. Womp-womp.

hamster

Meanwhile, back at the…train station? bank? Farmer Chris and his fauxhawk are plumbing Jade’s depths (ew…not like that, you pervs!). Her emotional depths. Unsurprisingly, FC decides that Princess Jade is rose-worthy, and thus she lives to date another day.

Dinner is over, and Chris gallantly escorts her up the long flight of stairs and into another room, where they climb a pedestal that’s surrounded by a full orchestra. They dance while a clip of…some movie…plays. It’s an awkward girl in a blue dress with big skirts, I have no idea. Not The Princess Diaries. I assume it’s plugging something. [Oh—it’s the new Cinderella with Cate Blanchett as the wicked stepmother. They couldn’t show her lest we be reminded what REAL movie royalty looks like.] And now we know why Chris was practicing his box step—they don’t have room for anything more! After a big twirl & finish, he dips her and then attempts to suck her face clean off her skull. Thankfully, the clock strikes midnight, and Jade trots down the stairs in her stilettos. (Somehow she resists the cliché of leaving one on the steps, but I guess that’s because they were already using the glass slipper as a paperweight?)

Blanchett

Back at Famewhore Manor, it’s time for the reading of the group date card! “Let’s get married” (?). Ugh, it’s the “pretend we’re brides” date that this show always does. Britt, Carly, Jillian, Whitney, Becca and Nikki (I think) rush outside where there are huge boxes awaiting containing…wedding gowns for each of them! They get dressed up and then jump in a limo, where Jillian expresses her discomfort with the extreme girliness of this date. No fences to jump or pig pens to clamber into…but wait!

The limo pulls up to an open field and it’s a “Tough Mudder” style obstacle course! Oh, Jillian must be in heaven. Winner of the race gets a one-on-one date with Farmer Chris. (Do you think she has to keep the mud-soaked gown on?) Also, it seems like the brides in gowns with big full skirts would be at a disadvantage.

muddy brides
“Ladies, did I mention farms are muddy?”

 

Muddy mayhem ensues, and Chris (appropriately attired in a tux) is there to help untangle some of the ladies who are in distress. In the end, the big winner is…Jillian! I give her props for her good natured cheering about winning the one-on-one date, followed by, “Hopefully they’ll let me shower.” Heh.

Now it’s time for dinner, and happily, they did let Jillian change. They sit and talk about work, etc., and I get the vibe that Chris isn’t all that attracted to her. (She is a little jocky.) He’s listening politely, but I don’t see any spark. Actually, that “listening politely” might be because he can’t get a word in edgewise. Jillian is too much for our simple farmer, it appears. “Polite” is starting to turn into “how long do I have to listen to this chick?” I feel you, Chris—I’m bored too.

grumpy

Let’s go back to Famewhore Manor for the group date aftermath! The other girls are touting Jillian’s prowess at the race, but really just to make fun of her. They’re snickering at her competitiveness and it’s just verging on Mean Girls.

Farmer Chris, in a talking head, says “This is one of the most romantic settings I’ve ever been in,” and tells us that he doesn’t really love that Jillian’s talking about her dad’s dirty sense of humor or her “guy talk” topics. Basically it’s too hanging-out-in-the-bar for him. In an interview, Jillian says, “Do you know how awesome it’s going to feel to walk into that room and have a rose already?” Uh-oh…cue the strings of disappointment.

FC starts with “You’re beautiful, and I love your energy…but I don’t feel like we have that chemistry.” Jillian’s face falls, and she starts making excuses about how she’s nervous, but Farmer Chris is not feeling it. Jillian finally figures out that she overdid it, and now she’s basically just begging, but he’s not gonna do it. Fair enough. Jillian, now teary in the interview, says, “I hope I find love one day. Not just find love—I hope I find someone to share my life with.” You’re right, Jillian! You deserve someone who loves you from the top of your trashy-mouthed head to the bottom of your booty-shorted, rock-hard ass.

Up next, Britt makes the classic mistake of bitching about another girl TO the Bachelor! Ladies, have we not learned by now that this NEVER, EVER works? The guy always kills the messenger! And in this case, it appears to be about Ashley’s virginity, which Britt is skeptical of because of her very not-virginal behavior.

Everyone’s Big Primpin’ at Famewhore Manor, because it’s time for the next cocktail party! Farmer Chris lumbers in to explain Jillian’s departure and reaffirm his dedication to “the process.” Let the games begin!

Megan’s first up, and goes a little 50 Shades on him by pulling a blindfold out of her cleavage and covering his eyes. Then she comes back with a tray full of melted chocolate and fruit to dip. She’s trying to be all sensual about it, but like a rookie, she misses the opportunity to kiss chocolate off his lips, so I declare this amateur hour.

chocolate

Ashley I. explains that although she hinted to FC before about being a virgin, she’s not sure he got it, so tonight she’s going to straight-up tell him. She hopes he’ll respect her choice to wait, and think that it’s marriage material. Honey, I don’t think he’s worried about your virginity one way or the other, I think he’s afraid you’re going to kill him and wear him like a skin suit.

She finally tells him that her hinting around before meant that she’s a virgin, and he does, in fact, seem a little taken aback. He tells us in a talking head that it’s “impressive” and “he respects her more,” but then she only gets an awkward hug. She debriefs with the other girls and says that she thinks he freaked out. They reassure her that it’s a sign of respect, and she says, “I didn’t want him to respect me that much.”

Cut to Chris making on an unidentified blonde, and back to Ashley I. crying because he didn’t kiss her. Ugh, Ashley, stop acting like a fricking 15 year old. Mackenzie is only 21 and she’s less childish than you are. But a couple of friends talk her off the ledge and she pulls it together (ish).

To explain to the other girls why she’s such a basket case, she tells the rest of the women that she’s a virgin. Kaitlyn is staggered, but even more surprising is that Becca’s all, “Yeah, I am too.” (You just know that Ashley’s all, “No, motherf*cker, that’s my hook!”) Becca is super-cool about it and just drawls, “It’s a decision I’ve made. I haven’t told him…it’s just never come up.” Boom! Drop the mic, Becca, that’s how it’s done.

"I was a virgin before it was cool."
“I was a virgin before it was cool.”

After the break, Britt is talking to Nikki and feeling upset that she hasn’t seen much of Chris, and that Kaitlyn got another rose. (I missed that part.) But Britt is still one of the most beautiful women here, and is rocking a good fishtail/Elsa braid tonight. She gets her alone time with Chris and tries to tell him that she’s worried (not about Ashley I’s virginity, as it turns out). He doesn’t get it, or doesn’t want to get into it, but she’s barging ahead full steam, talking about the camping date and complaining about…something. I think maybe Kaitlyn went skinnydipping and was too attention whorey? She ends with, “I just want to know why those actions and behaviors have been validated.” Oh, you in danger, girl. Don’t make him justify his choices, or you’ll be out on your butt. (Of course, if you actually want a life partner who is accountable for his actions, sure, go there—but not in Famewhore Manor.)

“It’s just been…rose, rose, rose to her, and I just want to know where you’re coming from.” Probably from the hope that he will be able to have sex with a lady, Britt! Britt, of course, thinks she’s telling him, “Don’t give that skank attention.” But what Chris has heard, as evidenced by his talking head interview, is “Britt questioned my integrity in my choices.” Kiss. Of. Death.

FC

Chris is completely inarticulate and doesn’t manage to even finish a sentence. “Kaitlyn isn’t…I mean, I see Kaitlyn as…you know what I mean?” Britt kind of figures out that she misplayed her hand, and she’s leaning in hoping to kiss and make up, but Chris is inwardly pissed. He walks away without a kiss and Britt’s head drops—she knows she fucked up.

Rose time! And lecture time, too. “I’m here to find a wife,” says Farmer Chris, “And any of you here who question my intentions can go home.” Nice. Glad to see you’re open to taking an honest inventory of your feelings and motivations, dude. (Although, to be fair, the “I am dating 25 women to find true love” premise is an answer in itself.) Duly scolded, the other women are all WTF? But Britt knows exactly who that message was for.

Chris begins the rosing by saying that “This week has been difficult, but things are working.” Some of the women’s expressions would belie that statement, sir. The winner of the first rose is…Whitney! (Kaitlin and Jade already have them, remember.) Then Carly, Megan, Samantha (who?), Mackenzie (why is he keeping the 21 year old around?), Kelsey (needs better hair—looks like a soccer mom), Becca (Secret Virgin!), and we’re down to two roses. Ashley and Britt are freaking…but Ashley I. gets the second-to-last rose, which she poutily accepts. Ugh, WHY. And the final rose goes to…Britt! Beauty won out, despite her daring to “question his integrity.”

wry

Sad Mackayla gymnast faces on Nikki, Ashley S. (how did that crazy girl stay so long?), and Juelia (whom clearly the other girls love, because she takes forever saying her farewells to them). But Chris chalked that one up to the “not feeling it, so send her back to her child” good-guy rejection. He steps outside with her to explain, and she forgives him for it. Well, Juelia, think of this as a pretty great personal ad.

Shaking that off, it’s time to move on…to Santa Fe! There’s wine tasting, hot air balloons, and naked bedrooming between Chris and…Carly? Kelsey’s not going to stand for it—the girls have decided she’s conniving. (I think a lot of times the contestants mistake “smart” for “conniving.”) Oh, lord…then there’s someone weeping hysterically on the floor while a medic works over her.

Over the credits, we get Ashley’s goodbye speech, and it is perfect Ashley. “I feeeeeeel…nothing. I’m actually not mad at all. Honestly…I am who I am! I’m not worried about meeee. Hooo. Hooo. Hooo. Chris? All I have to say to you is…nothing.” Girl, please give us the name of your pharmacist!

See you all next week…until then, may you win all the date roses you see.