The Bachelor: Family Tragedy Edition

Welcome back, Bachelor fans! (Or hate-watchers–we don’t discriminate here.) We’ve met all the contestants (who we’ll loosely term “ladies”) and been reintroduced to the grade A hunk of prime beef known as Farmer Chris, who’s hoping to change that moniker to Famewhore Chris. To prepare for tonight’s recap, I’ve poured myself a full pint glass of mimosa, the better to feel like I’m RIGHT THERE in the house.

Harrison and Chris talk about how “lucky” he is to have 23 beautiful women to date; their conversation is intercut with B-roll of the women gathered in groups around the house, chit chatting in slumber party fashion. Harrison goes up to the house to quiz the ladies on just how much they lurrrrrve Chris, and lurve him they do. He reveals that Chris is basically living in the guest house, the better for pop-ins, and then…he tells them what’s happening today, but I miss it because the delivery guy shows up with my pizza, and my priorities are well in order.

The first group date card says “Show Me Your Country,” and the women are brought to a skyscraper in downtown L.A. They’re having a pool party! Good thing the girls all decided to wear swimsuits under their clothes even though they didn’t know what was going to happen!

Now he’s talking one on one with Kimberly, yoga instructor, who “threw him a curve ball”–Oh, that’s right…she crept back into the party last episode! Guess he decided to keep her? Hey, girlfriend’s ready to fight for her bed in Famewhore Manor.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, two of the girls (Caitlyn and Megan) decide to go find Chris’s house. Boyfriend should start locking his doors, is all I’m saying. They sit on his motorcycle (parked conveniently on the carpet in the living room–jeez, Chris, were you raised in a barn? Oh, right, I guess you were), and Megan tests out his helmet by putting it on and smashing her head against the wall and the refrigerator.

Back downtwon, pool party is over and everyone–still clad only in bikinis and shoes–are walking down the street getting stares from passersby. Because they’re in bikinis or because they’re walking? Hard to say–it’s L.A., after all. They turn the corner and find (wait for it) a bunch of tractors lined up waiting for some bikini-clad drivers! Good thing Tara wore her cowboy boots!

Of course they’re having a race (how do they all know how to drive a tractor already?). The joke is that when the tractors all take off, they’re going at a crawl. (I do appreciate the Bachelor editors playing a riff on the Footloose tractor chicken theme in the background, though! The winner is Ashley I., freelance journalist from New Jersey. (Do you think that just means “blogger”?)

Back at Famewhore Manor, Juelia (Widow #2) is revealing her backstory–which is very sad. She has a little girl named Ireland, and shortly after she was born, Juelia’s husband killed himself. She starts sobbing while telling the story, and I feel bad, but am mostly amazed that her very thick eyeliner and mascara don’t run at all. Girl, do a makeup plug or two while you’re getting the camera time.

To complete the hoedown feel, they’ve set up a bunch of hay bales (in the middle of the street, which seems to be barricaded off for some much larger event than a stupid tractor race) and left one tractor parked nearby for a “couch” where Chris can have a little one on one time. After some chit chat, Chris tells the six women that he wants to finish up by just dating one of them, and asks Mackenzie to go with him. She’s tickled, and the other five girls sit around to analyze it…with the group date rose still sitting on the table.

Does that mean someone else will get the rose? Was choosing Mackenzie tantamount to giving her the rose? In other “water is wet” news, the remaining girls are disappointed. (That said, they are more pitying than bitchy about Mackenzie, for what it’s worth.)

So where are you going on your date, Chris? He takes her to someplace with long picnic tables that seems brewpubby, and tells her “the first time I came here was on last season.” Poor form, Farmer Chris! Don’t tell her you bring all the girls here! Mackenzie isn’t bothered, though, as she starts nattering on about Chris’s big nose. Chris is nonplussed, so she moves on to an easier first-date topic: Do you believe in aliens? Womp-WOMP. Although the good news is, this will make the “I have a son” news go down much easier.

Mulder

She gears up to it, telling us she’s super nervous and hopes that he won’t think she’s “a psychopath.” Honey, if the aliens didn’t do it, being a mom sure won’t. She bites the bullet, explains that she hasn’t dated in a year because she has a 1-year-old, and of course he’s gracious about it. He says to her, “I’m 33 and kids don’t scare me.” Um, I think potentially marrying a 21-year-old should scare you, dude. But that’s just me. Anyway, Chris is now holding the rose (where’d that come from?), and gives it to Mackenzie, who is thrilled. I will say she has a delightful smile. Too bad she’s a crackpot. We fade out as the couple slow dances, and bam! Kissing happens right away. No “I have a child” scruples from this mom!

Famewhore Manor, and the first date card arrives for Megan…who doesn’t understand what it is. She thinks it’s just a nice note from Chris, and the other girls have to explain it to her (sounding exasperated). Lot of dumb bunnies in this group, it seems.

Can I take a commercial break to complain about this McDonald’s commercial? It shows all these McD marquees with supportive messages of community, tragedy, etc., while a children’s choir sings that “Carry On” song. It is SO manipulative, and I get teary every time! Screw you, McDonald’s. Why don’t you show America how much you care by paying your employees a living wage? OK, climbing off soapbox now.

Time for Megan’s date! For a makeup artist, she goes with a pretty pale eye and a slightly off lip color, I think. The two of them get into a tiny plane that’s just wide enough for the two of them, and land in Vegas! When they get there, they switch to a helicopter, and now I’m thinking this is just a really terrible commute. They’re touring some huge body of water–oh! it’s the Hoover Dam! OK, that is cool, and the mesas are lovely. They fly around the Grand Canyon for a bit, and the scenery is stunning. No conversation beyond, “Look!” “Wow” “Amazing” “Oh my god.”

Finally they set down for a pre-planned picnic on the banks of the river, and Chris toasts to “the most beautiful blue eyes in North America.” Megan can’t believe she’s there, because “it was such a last-minute thing.” She tells Farmer Chris that her boss tells her to go and she was about to go to L.A., but three days after the call, her dad was found unconscious and couldn’t be revived. It sounds truly horrible, but her mom told her to go on the show anyway. I’m sure her dad would be proud that his death contributed to her getting a little more airtime. I miss the days before you needed a dead relative to make it to the quarterfinals on this show.

Of course she gets the rose. Chris seems more into Megan than Mackenzie at this point. Megan, for her part, says she’s “absolutely head over heels for Chris,” and I think she’s moving a little fast. You’ve known him for about six hours!

Date card #2! This appears to be the Brunette Date, full of contestants I don’t remember being on the show. “Till Death Do Us Part,” reads the clue. The commercials have shown us that they’re going on some kind of haunted limo ride or something. They pile into two limos that drive off into the sunset, and now it’s full night as we pull slowly into some sort of set full of abandoned shipping containers and whatnot. The girls are shrieking like teens with a Ouija board, but even I jump when some bloody zombie faces start snarling at the windows! OK, this just got cool. I was sure it was going to be paintball or something.

Then the zombies are gone, and Chris yanks open the door. Amber quickly grabs a bottle from the limo bar and pours herself a shot. Amber, you are now my favorite! Oh, it IS paintball, but zombie-themed paintball! OK, that looks fun. They have to shoot the zombies in the head (that seems really unsafe for the zombies!) and they’re working in teams of three. Britt tells us that she’s amazing at paintball, and some other girl says that killing zombies is her jam. Blond Ashley is confused and wants to shoot the other women. I think she might already be drunk? She truly seems not to understand the concept, and the other contestants are tightening up their eye protectors.

TWD

This is a great date–it’s filmed really scarily, and once the zombies start emerging, all hell breaks loose. I’m now worried for the secondary camera crew as well. Lots of comparing paintball bruises at craft services, I bet. Ashley is happily marching through a bunch of fake smoke and zombies all, do-dee-doh. Someone has been practicing her Walking Dead survival skills! She’s double-tapping and everything. Finally they find the beacon! Those zombies didn’t really put up much of a fight. (Admittedly, they were unarmed.) Turns out the beacon is the Party Beacon, because the guns get put away and the wine comes out! Just like a night at my house.

Back at Famewhore Manor, the girls are bored and drunk, to varying degrees. Jordan, Mackenzie and someone blonde are doing face masks and Jordan is shit-faced. The other girls are side-eyeing hard and saying that Jordan’s drunk every single night. Jordan, in turn, is twerking upside down, and then talking shit about Jillian, whom she says has a hairy ass. And so it begins…

Oh lord, Ashley’s gone mad. She’s staring into a candle and gibbering about angels. The other women are all, “Oh, Ashley’s in Ashleyland right now,” like this happens a lot. I don’t know if she’s just drunk or stupid. Meanwhile, Kaitlyn’s getting some one on one time with Chris, and since she doesn’t have a tragic backstory, she plays the “I just want to laugh and have fun with you” card. I think that’s smart. It works on Chris, anyway, because he moves in for the kiss.

Back with the other women, Ashley has literally become “Girl You Don’t Want to Have a Conversation with at a Party.”

She wanders around, then comes back and talks incoherently, then wanders away again. She goes to find Chris, and tells him slowly, “I want you…to hide.” And then she wants to play hide and seek, or to explore, or whatever. Chris quickly moves into “humoring the drunk girl” mode: “Ashley’s beautiful and has moments of saying really intelligent things and then…drifts off into something I don’t understand.” You and us both, Chris. He’s confused and turned off, and tries to send her home.

“You don’t wanna lose the whole world…but sometimes…you don’t wanna gain the whole world.” –Ashley S., The Bachelor.

After ditching Ashley, Chris consoles himself with some Britt smooching and returns to the less (overtly) crazy women. It’s time for the date rose, and Farmer Chris bestows it on…Kaitlyn! Fair enough. She did most of the work tonight.

Time for the final cocktail party at Famewhore Manor–Whitney (?), fertility nurse, whisks him away to a little preplanned picnic of her own (i.e., a bottle of bourbon and a note on the outdoor hearth). But it’s cute enough, although her baby voice is deadly.

Ashley I. (freelance journalist) tells Mackenzie and another girl that she’s a virgin. Mackenzie is all, OMG you can use this, you’ll stay so much longer, guys LOVE devirginizing women. Er, speaking from experience, teen mom? I will say that she’s in a bejeweled crop top, the better to show off her magic lamp belly button charm. She tells him that if he rubs it he’ll get three wishes (THAT’S WHAT HE SAID) and then they start making out. I think we’re leading up to “I come from a traditional Middle Eastern family, so no sex till marriage,” but she hasn’t said so yet.

The other girls are spying on them out the window, except for Britt, who’s the first to hit the “My boyfriend is kissing other women!” wall. Crying, crying. Sigh. Alissa, flight attendant, is sympathetic, but probably the least attractive woman here, so she’s not going to be an ally for long. Amber gets a little one-on-one time and some kisses, to which Jordan slurs, “You kished him???” That earns her the season’s first “Bless her heart” from Trina, who thinks Jordan may have had “one too many” drinks. Girlfriend can’t stand up.

She clumsily interrupts another girl, but gets her own one on one time. The other women aren’t so concerned, mostly because she’s a hugely sloppy drunk, and Farmer Chris is too upstanding to take advantage. Jordan’s all, “Why is this not happening?” She didn’t get the kiss, even though she put on extra lipstick and everything. Better luck tomorrow night, Jordan!

Thank goodness, it’s finally time for the rose ceremony. Will the Drunkersons make it through another cut? Tara seems to have dialed it back from “boozy sorority girl” to “country,” but Jordan is stuck on “full-blown alcoholic.” Was Mackenzie’s alien-loving bacon saved by Ashley’s acid flashbacks? How much crazy is acceptable in small-town Iowa?

First up is Ashley I. (virgin) followed by Kelsey, Jessica, Samantha (there’s a Samantha?), Juelia–at which point JILLIAN walks up AND wipes out on the carpet! She laughs it off well but is dying inside. (Meanwhile, Tara is talking smack about EVERYONE in confessionals.) Back to roses…Amber, JILLIAN (for real this time), Jade (there’s a Jade?), some other girls (Britt, Tandra, Blonde, Other Blonde), Whitney…and then the final rose goes to: ASHLEY S.??? Oh, that has GOT to be a producer pick. Tara is broken hearted that she lost to pancake makeup and aliens.

We also lost Alissa (toldya), Jordan (sober up, girl!), Kimberly (guess he really didn’t want her), and a sobbing Tara, who gives a whole monologue I miss while explaining her to my husband.

Next week, on the Bachelor…Jimmy Kimmel comes to wake up Farmer Chris! “My name is Jimmy Kimmel…I’m here to help you.” Until then, mes amies!

 

Want more Bachelor recaps? See last week’s episode here.

Missed Farmer Chris’s origin story? Check out last season’s Bachelorette recaps here.

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