Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…we’re baaaaack! Yes, it’s time for another season of The Bachelor. Our “prince” this time is the nice but dullsville castoff from Andi’s “Bachelorette” season, Farmer Chris. Because Chris proved to be boring beyond words–AND because this damn premiere is THREE HOURS long–I’m doing tonight’s recap in GIF form. Much as I’d love to write the whole thing out…

 

So anyway, I flip on the TV and discover that this nonsense is beginning with an hour long “live red carpet” so that we can trot out all the Bachelor/ette alums and let Chris Harrison warm up his smug-yet-caring face. I’m all

and that’s BEFORE we get Chris’s bio. Apparently the farmer thing wasn’t butch enough, so they’re sure to give us several lingering shots of Pensive Farmer Chris decked out in black leather, leaning on a big motorcycle (I assume, made in ‘Murrica).

Now we’re starting to meet the bachelorettes. There’s Britt, a waitress who’s shown holding a sad “free hugs” sign in a mall and accosting strangers. There’s Jillian, who wants to be this Jillian:

 

Whitney is a fertility nurse, and even I’m not cold-hearted enough to snark on her right out of the gate. She does have a stupid purse dog, though. Amanda is a ballet instructor with crazy eye who tells us she lives rent-free with her mom, but mom told her that if she embarrassed her on TV she was out. Amanda might want to start saving up for a deposit.

 

Mackenzie is our first single mom of the evening–she has a toddler named Kale. (Maybe Cale? I hope she didn’t name him after the leafy green.) Alissa’s a flight attendant, which TOTALLY seems like the right fit for a man whose livelihood keeps him pretty much tied to Bumf*ck, Iowa.

 

Kelsey is a school counselor in Austin, and she’s one of two widows on the show this year. Her husband had a freak heart attack on the way to work one day. She looks like one of the “classy” contestants (though that doesn’t stop her from donning a small bikini for part of her video).

 

Back to Chris Harrison, who’s with Andi and Josh. He asks Andi what she can tell “Bachelor Nation” about Chris, and she basically says what you see is what you get.

 

But just when I’ve given up hope, here comes Nikki, now shed of the wretched Juan Pablo! It’s clear who got custody of Chris Harrison in the divorce. Nikki looks great. Chris asks her what was up with the weird awkward post-show hostility at the end of their season, and Nikki basically says she was trying to be a good girlfriend, but they were too different.

 

Chris keeps pushing about how JP didn’t seem to think Nikki was a priority, and reeeeally wants her to talk shit about him. She’s being so politic she could run for office.

And finally, it’s time to begin “Chris’s journey to find love.”

 

He’s living in a fancy cabin a mere stone’s throw from Bachelorette Manor, for ease of sneaky pop-ins in either direction. He tries on clothes, he puts on his suit…let the limos appear!

The first limo contains:

Britt, Waitress, who babbles and gives him a way-overlong hug along with a “free hug” note

 

Whitney, fertility nurse, very southern, very yellow shoes

Kelsey, guidance counselor, totally prepared her speech in the limo (gets a “wow” from Chris as she walks away)

Megan, ?, blonde – no other distinguishing characteristics

Ashley, dressed for Dancing with the Stars

next limo:

Trina, Special Ed teacher, almost has upskirt incident getting out of limo

Reegan, “Donated Tissue Specialist,” brings a medical cooler with her. She SELLS human tissue? You can do that? She tells Chris she brought him a present and opens the cooler to reveal A HUMAN HEART. WTF? Of course it’s fake, and she assures him she’s joking, but I think we’re all thinking the same thing:

 

Tara, “Sport Fishing Enthusiast,” cutoffs and cowboy boots. She’s obvs the “drunk redneck” entry for the season. But she changes into little black dress whenshe feels “judged” by the other girls and goes out to crash the 1st impressions line.

Amber, bartender, carrying a teddy bear. Oh, girl…

Nikki, does something, didn’t notice because we followed Tara sneaking BACK into the limo in her dress.

Tara (again), in LBD (exposing shoulder tattoo).

next limo:

Anon–note extended through tinted window, giggles ensue…
“Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs and Kisses.”
Oh, any surprise that it’s Crazy Eyes Amanda? She tells him that she’ll be his secret admirer and runs off before he can open his eyes.

 

Jillian, whatevers, first question is “Working out?” She’s like, SPRINTING away from him. “See you inside!”

Mackenzie, doesn’t mention her kid or her salad greens.

Ashley S., hairstylist from Brooklyn, brings lucky penny. She normally puts them in her shoe, and asks to put the penny in Chris’s “sole.” She also has questionable eyes.

Caitlyn (or Katelyn or Catelin), tells Chris he can “plow the f— out of my field any day.” This is met with

 

Chris H comes up to tell Chris S. (ugh, this is a pain–I’m renaming our host “Harrison” for the duration) it’s time to go in. Chris doesn’t seem that excited: But turns out he’s confused because there are “only” 15 girls and there are usually more. I bet there’s a twist coming!

 

Caitlyn offers up another “joke” to break the ice: “Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? He wanted to find a tight seal!” Again, people are shocked that she works blue so early. Are you sure you’re supposed to be here and not on Jersey Shore, sweetie?

Then there’s the standard chitchat, interspersed with girls asking “Where are all the others?” “There’s only 15?” And then Harrison enters with the 1st impression rose and everyone is all

 

But it’s not awarded now, because we have (wait for it) MORE LIMOS!

 

Late Limo 1:

Samantha, fashion designer, no real exchange

Michelle, ugly dress, calls Chris a babe – has 2 kids

Juelia, esthetician, are you kidding me with having to spell both of those?

 

Becca, chiropractic asst., super-sparkly dress and ugly booties. Chris, like most men, is instantly attracted to the shiny. In-house girls flip out.

Tandra, executive assistant, pulls up on a motorcycle (which she rode in her full-length gown).

Late Limo 2:

Alissa, flight attendant, looks like she’s 14. Brought her seatbelt demonstrater so she can move in for a hug.

Jordan, student, came with minibottles of whiskey. Seems kind of stoned.

Nicole, real estate agent, gorgeous red hair, stupid pig nose (literally) so she can “ham it up” for him. Looks like Jessica Chastain, but totally try-hard.

Brittany, brought a poster saying #Soulesmate, wearing oh lord, total Pnina Tornai dress–looks like a lady wrestler. (Ha! turns out she IS a lady wrestler.)

Carly, cruise ship singer, carrying pink karaoke machine and sings him a little song. Also wearing pink 50’s crinoline.

Late Limo 3–girls are now losing their minds over even MORE girls. Chris is looking anxious and sweaty.

 

Ashley, teacher, brings “letter from her students” which is totally written by her.

Bo, plus-size model, is told she’s beautiful and that’s all we get.

Kimberly, yoga instructor, looks old.

Some sparkly girl whose deets I miss because inside, two girls are counting contestants and say: “Juan Pablo had 27…yeah and he was a douche”

 

Jade, cosmetics, last girl!

There are 30 of them all told, and now the chatting is getting fast and furious, or as one wallflower calls it, “aggressive”:

 

One of our first-round wallflowers (who looks like Courtney Thorne-Smith, so I hope she goes full crazy Melrose Place on us) manages to awkwardly interrupt a conversation to talk to Chris.

After more shenanigans, it’s first girl Britt who gets the first impression rose. And the first kiss. Now it’s time for the rose ceremony, so we can get rid of half the froot loops we just met.

 

The score surges with strains of “Requiem for a Crazed Reality Show Contestant,” and the weight of the world settles on Chris’s shoulders. But he’s ready for the challenge. Here comes roll call:

Caitlyn (seriously?)

 

Jade
Samantha
Ashley (dark)
Tandra
Nikki
Kelsey
Megan

[note: Tara is fidgeting and swaying and drunk as shit and about to fall over]

Alissa
Amber
Juelia
Becca (Sparkle Motion!)
Trina

And then (because we need to draw this out long enough for Tara to keel over?), Chris darts out of the room! He has to concern troll with Harrison about Tara, because he likes her, but he’s afraid he’ll wind up dating this girl:

 

After no meaningful discussion, he returns and hands a rose to Mackenzie, followed by Tracy. (There was a Tracy?) Next up are:

Tara (Drunk 1)
Jordan (Drunk 2)

 

Jillian
Carly

and the final rose…

goes to Ashley (blonde)!

Farewell, losing ladies, including Jessica “Pigface” Chastain…Plus-size Model Bo…Kara Who…Kimberly the Yoga girl…and of course, Crazy Eyes Amanda.

 

Interestingly, their farewell interviews are in daylight…how long did this damn party last? Long enough to give Kimberly ideas, apparently…rather than fading into the dawn, she comes back into the party to ask Chris…what?

Something we’ll find out next week! Until then, we’re promised the usual panoply of weeping, scheming, fuming and smooching until all I can do is

 

See you next week!