We open tonight’s show with Sara and Helena in a (very spacious) tent in the woods, demonstrating that camping is for crazy people. Helena is eating beans out of a can, and Sarah makes a feeble attempt to get the location of the “Cold River” from her clone sis. Helena is canny, though, and points out that if Sarah knows the way, she’ll ditch her sniper-wielding assassin friend. So rude!

Unseen by them, a glove-clad figure in black sneaks up to their car, searching through the glove box until it finds the “Swan Man” photo. Pan up and…it’s Paul! I no longer know if he’s good or evil.

Helena has bad taste in car songs, but sings with enthusiasm and looks like a good time on a cross-country jaunt. Singing boldly along with “Sugar, Sugar,” she first annoys, then amuses Sarah (who looks stunning in this shot.)

At Dyad, Scott the earnest science geek from Minnesota has shown up, because Leekie hired him! Cosima’s pissed, because she doesn’t want him dragged into the crazysauce, but Delphine says they need him–he’s the one who first solved Cosima’s genetic code, and is the best person to help them now.

Allison! Missed you! She’s in group therapy and not having any of it. She tries to “pass” on sharing, but only gets off the hook when the group is interrupted by…Victor! Remember Sarah’s horrible ex? Allison sure does, and she’s trying not to attract attention in the most attention-attracting way possible. Ruh-roh…

Felix is playing Enfant Terrible at the loft, painting crappy abstract art and drinking vodka straight from the bottle, because he’s a badass that way. Art comes to check on him, and he’s not doing well, what with the being-framed-for-murder and all.

Group is over, and Victor buttonholes Allison. He knows she’s not Sarah, and also knows that Allison maced him in a parking lot. He asks, what are you, twins? And Allison, fed up, tells him: “We’re clones, Victor.” Of course he doesn’t believe her, but says he thinks “the godhead” put her in his group to test him. Um, OK…

Cold River! We’re here! Well, not exactly–we’re at Swan Man’s church. Sarah goes in, leaving Helena in the car. What are the chances she’ll stay put, you think? (About the same as Walking Dead’s Carl staying in the house.) While Sarah discovers that “Cold River” is actually an institution with info in the archives (the church has archives?) and that “Swan Man” frequents the archives. Sarah begins coaxing her way into the archives herself as we cut to…Helena walking across the street.

Of course Helena has found a local bar, and appears to have ordered one of everything on the menu. When she is approached by a sketchy gentleman, she declines his advances in the traditional way–by nearly breaking his finger. “Don’t be baby, ees only sprain. Next one, I break.” Oh, Helena, I’m so glad you’re apparently impossible to kill. A nicer and much more attractive gentleman intercedes to help rebuff our vexed suitor, and Helena invites him to sit down, even offering up her White Russian. Heh. (Also, she is going to have the most technicolor puke when she drinks all that.) They seem to be hitting it off, and thus don’t notice the newest entrant to the bar: the Prolethian acolyte of Creepy Vet! (I can’t remember what I named this guy–he looks like the lead singer for an 80’s New Wave band, so I’m going to call him InHuman League.)

In the archives, we learn that “the professor” was interested in the early material about Cold River, from around the 1920s. The church lady warns Sarah that “this stuff won’t leave you.” Sarah’s all, tell me about it. Left to her own devices, she starts pulling out files and photos of vintage babies.

Back at rehab, Donnie’s come to visit, but Allison’s pissed that he didn’t bring the kids. He refuses to do so until she starts taking the process seriously, and they start fighting in the hall–until Victor intervenes, telling Donnie that Allison’s working hard. Namaste, whatever. Later she goes to find him in the gym, where he’s wearing robes and meditating. Allison announces her presence by bouncing a basketball and startling him…they exchange mild confessions and we either have a very long con, or the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Felix wakes up, and rather than take him out for a huge fried breakfast, Art dumps all his files in Felix’s lap. He’s got nothing else to do, and Felix needs to do something other than painting, so I sense one of those huge string-photo-index card collages in our future.

At the most crowded dive bar in the world, now Paul’s shown up as well, and pulls up a stool right next to Inhuman League–he speculates that the guy is ex-Special Forces because he’s so good at tailing them. (Meanwhile, Helena is arm-wrestling the guy she’s talking to, which is of course her version of flirting.) Surly sprained-finger guy is still glaring, but Helena’s arm-wrestling has segued into slow-dancing–she should write a book or something.

Paul says to IL, “Sarah’s off the table, so I’ll let you take your girl, and I’ll take mine.” Eek! Is this honor among thieves or Paul tricking the Prolethians? Or Rachel? Or Leekie? No time to find out, because Helena and Nice Guy are making out like crazed weasels. For some reason, Surly Suitor decides to cut in–Helena objects, clocks him with a cue ball, and of course a full-on bar brawl breaks out. Sara emerges from the archives–she’s found some holes where stuff is missing, and discovers that Maggie Chen has been there before her–just in time to see Helena being put in the back of a squad car. Oopsie!

Back at the precinct, it turns out the guys at the bar won’t press charges, so Helena’s free to go. A cop tells her “Your sister’s here for you,” but the sister who appears is the (still scarred) Gracie! Poor Gracie has been told that he has to find Helena and bring her back, but it turns out once you’ve led off by trying to kill someone, it’s hard for that person to trust you. Gracie admits to Helena that Creepy Vet harvested her eggs, and says that they’ll bring her “to her babies.”

Sarah apparently didn’t go after Helena herself–she’s chasing the records, but does ask Art to intercede through the cop network. She asks Felix to “find me an Andrew Peckham within old-man driving range, ” and she’s off.

Scott is earning his keep right away! Studying the stem cells Leekie revealed, Scott has discovered that they’re not clone cells, but they appear to be related to the clones. “Do they have a niece or…a daughter or something?” Gee, Scott, I think you might be on to something. Delphine tells Scott that he can NOT tell Cosima anything about it. Shady…

Victor leaves Allison feeling like they’ve bonded, and he heads out to the parking lot and into a waiting car. Oh, look, it’s Angie, Art’s partner! Of course Vic isn’t a peace-loving Buddhist sobriety coach–he’s spying on Allison in order to get his record expunged.

Sarah has found an address–a run-down looking house–and just knocks on the door. (Really, Sarah? 7000 people are trying to kill or abduct you, and you think “knock on the door” is still the best approach?) But I guess it’s fine, because the person who opens the door is…Mrs. S! (At least she brought a handgun with her.) The two of them share an awkward stare-down as we go to commercial.

And that commercial is…an ad for “Crossbones,” a new show starring JOHN MALKOVICH AS BLACKBEARD THE PIRATE.  That might be ask awesome and crazy as Helena after six or seven White Russians.

Mrs. S. is not exactly maternal as she says, “I should’ve known you’d show up.” I will say that her skin looks glowing and her hair is shiny. Apparently being on the run and murdering former associates agrees with her. She introduces Sarah to Duncan, whom they’ve been hiding, and gives her five minutes before they have to run. He’s only worried about his birds, but Mrs. S. says she’ll take care of them. (I suspect that means she’s burning down the house on her way out the door.)

Duncan tells Sarah that Project Leda was a success when they successfully cloned human embryos. They were working for the government, but then Dyad took it over to push to completion privately after the Feds deemed the experiment an “ethical failure.” Andrew is most concerned about Rachel– “my Rachel,” he calls her. While Sarah goggles at Duncan, Mrs. S steps out to greet…Paul, who’s of course tailed Sarah here. Seriously, did Dyad just Lojack all these clones in infancy? They might as well have for how easy it is to find them all.

How cozy! Back from commercial, Mrs. S. is in the passenger seat, offering tea from a thermos so she and Paul can have a little convo. She points out that he’s caught between Rachel and Sarah, which makes him vulnerable…and couldn’t he use a new friend?

Duncan tells Sarah that Dyad stole his daughter–or rather, the Neolutionists within Dyad–and he won’t help her. Sarah insists upon it, and tells him about Allison and Cosima and herself, and that they’re sick. They need his help–and Rachel does too. Duncan insists that Leekie wouldn’t let them raise Rachel, and that Leekie killed Rachel’s mother, Susan.

Woof!

Next week, the standout moment is an insane fall that Victor (drugged) takes in Allison’s scrapbook room–he full on smashes his chin on a table, and the actor doesn’t even flinch. Mad props to that stunt guy. Until then, don’t let just any guy arm-wrestle with you, ladies!