Lord, I missed last week’s episode and apparently all hell broke loose! Helena escaped from the World’s Creepiest Honeymoon, and showed up just in time to save Sarah from Daniel’s clutches (after we thought he’d been suitably splatted by Liam/Daario/Cal in his truck). Helena killed the shit out of Daniel and left him in a bloody heap on the floor of Rachel’s office. Man, she is never going to get those stains out of the carpet.
Now Sarah’s taken Helena back to the loft and dumped her on Felix, since he did such a bang-up job with Alison. Felix is mostly annoyed by this, rather than terrified, given Helena’s rather traumatized state and documented murder record. Oh, but that’s because he’s bringing in a little security in the form of Art–Felix carts her off to Art’s apartment and then bolts. Good luck, Art! (Think this could be the start of an amazing buddy comedy?)
Cal’s been taking care of Kira, who’s getting a little too attached and calling him “Daddy” when Skyping with Mommy, who’s on the road to find out…something.
Meanwhile, at the Dyad lab, Cosima and Delphine have found a genetic match they didn’t know about–because it was delivered to them, rather than Leekie, accidentally. He’s hiding things from them! For some reason, neither of them thinks, as I did, “He/Rachel allowed this to fall into our hands to deceive us.” Also, Paul (Beth’s old monitor/Sarah’s ex-boyfriend) has just been assigned to Rachel as her new monitor–yes, even she has one, although in her case it’s more like personal security. Paul grudgingly accepts, since he doesn’t really have a choice.
AND THEN HOLY CRAP GRACIE. Gracie let Helena escape last week–well, “let,” in that she tried to smother Helena after Helena had been forcibly impregnated by Creepy Vet, but Helena pulled a Fatal Attraction and escaped. Gracie apparently wouldn’t tell CV what happened, so was punished according to his increasingly weird and creepy laws: namely, being locked in solitary and HAVING HER MOUTH SEWN SHUT. It’s so creepy-looking. (And super-swollen–she should get that looked at.) Gracie is still not talking, so back in the hole she goes.
Back at Art & Helena’s Palace of Fun Times, Art’s trying to get Helena to talk about the same thing, or about her relationship with the dead Maggie Chen, who was apparently hunting clones for Helena. She’s not talking, so Art brings out the big guns…grilled cheese sandwiches. No one can resist a perfectly made grilled cheese! He’s so smart.
Creepy Acolyte Dude has snuck in to see Gracie (with a bottle of milk and a straw) and implores her to confess. Gracie’s not having it, and then CAD kisses her on the corner of her mouth (um, OW, dude, stitches!). Gracie doesn’t really react, but has a secret smile as he leaves. Kids, this is no way to start a relationship.
Back at Art’s the grilled cheese has worked its magic and now Helena’s moved on to hardboiled eggs, mustard, and raw ramen noodles. And mini powdered donuts. How does she keep so trim? Anyway, she acts like she’s about to give up a secret, and mentions Maggie’s “locker.” Art gets all excited, but she won’t spill any more while those cuffs are on her.
Felix has a date! He’s cute in an accountanty, Warby Parker way, and “Head over Heels” plays over the whole thing, complete with shots of lube. Why are we spending so much time on this? Oh, so they can be interrupted with the cops and a search warrant while Warby Parker is carted away. And hey, turns out it’s not so much “cops” as “Paul, carrying Dead Daniel’s gun on Rachel’s orders.” Ruh-roh. He flips Felix onto the couch and it looks like he’s gonna be killed, but in fact, Paul’s just getting Felix’s prints on the gun, which can be tied to a dead cop. So he can call Sarah and tell her that she has until morning (to come in? I guess?). My favorite part is when he says, “No more games” in his best menacing growl, she responds, “This was never a game, you stupid twat.” Snerk.
Sarah calls Art, who tells her to come on over. But oops! in the minute he had his back turned, Helena fashioned a makeshift key out of a sardine can lid, opened her cuffs, and has now jumped Art with his own gun. Kids can be so tough at this age, y’know?
Back at Cult Headquarters, Gracie’s crush has convinced her to confess and atone. Creepy Vet cuts her stitches, praises her and tells her that all will be forgiven if she goes after Helena and finds her. Even Creepier Mrs. Vet leans in and says, “And if you don’t…you’ll carry the child yourself.” And then yanks out the loose stitch in a needlessly painful manner.
Leekie busts Cosima and Delphine as they’re trying to rummage through his files–but rather than being mad, he tells them he developed the mystery stem cell line.
Cop looks in on Cal and Kira, but is dissuaded. Kira seemed to sense them coming, incidentally.
Sarah rescues Art; Helena left them a fortune-teller! Those little fold-up games that you’d manipulate to determine who you would marry, etc. (like the credits of Community). This has happened before, and last time she left them GPS coordinates–but of 4 sets, they’d been to 3 places, and only the 4th was valid. So off they go!
The coordinates take them to a storage facility (where she picked up a motorcycle and fled) that was Maggie Chen’s locker–she used it as a drop for Helena (and Helena appears to have used it as a house, given the stash of creepy doll heads in residence. (This is really more of a warehouse than a locker, by the way.) There are religious icons with their eyes scratched out, and hey look! A pamphlet from Dyad and a photograph that matches Sarah’s Project Leda one. There’s also a photo of a man leaving a church, labeled “Swan Man.” Sarah thinks it’s Rachel’s dad, who didn’t die in the explosion after all.
Art’s still poking around while Sarah’s getting ready to bolt, and finds a gun case that used to–but doesn’t now–contain a sniper rifle. Looking up to Helena’s altar, we see a headless Barbie doll in an elegant shift dress…so they instantly realize that she’s going to kill Rachel.
Cut to…Rachel greeting Paul and asking for excellent wine; and Helena in the building across the street, giving the Rachel-Barbie head a blunt-cut bob before putting on a little lippie and preparing to take her out. Meanwhile, Rachel’s playing 50 Shades with Paul, ordering him to undress (and not letting him drink the wine!). I feel like she might know Helena’s there? She reaches into his mouth with a sensual finger–which soon becomes her rooting around in there like she’s going to pull a tooth. Weird. Their slappy, vanilla BDSM show continues as Art & Sarah pull up to the apartment.
All of Rachel & Paul’s commands are intercut with Helena assembling the rifle (and attaching Barbie Head to the stock), and apparently it doesn’t occur to Art or Sarah to CALL and say, “Hey, you’re about to be sniped.” Instead, they run into the (enormous, empty) room where Helena’s got her sights trained on Rachel. “Hello, Sestra,” she drawls. Sarah is frantic because if Helena kills Rachel, she has no leverage to free Felix–she stands in front of the rifle and implores Helena as her sister to stop. When she mentions “Swan Man,” she seems to get through to her–but it’s clear that the holidays will always be full of drama with these two.
Art watches the two walk out arm-in-arm, his expression like, “Damn, clones be crazy.”
There’s a final scene between Cosima and Leekie that I miss, because my husband comes home from work. (Sorry. Vulture will tell us tomorrow.)
Sarah and Leekie meet in a bar, where Sarah demands to know about Swan Man. Leekie tells her he can buy her 3 days and off she swans (heh), threatening to sic Helena on him if he rats her out. But he doesn’t need to, because Rachel had Paul follow Leekie and he saw the whole meeting. Leekie just tells him Sarah’s on “a trip down memory lane” and Paul says, “So am I.” Hmmm….
In the car, Sarah and Helena get ready for the worst road trip of all time. Helena’s enjoying her socks, feet up on the dashboard, and generally being her hilariously infuriating self. Sarah asks her point-blank, “Where are we going?!”
“What’s that, a town?”
“A place of screams.”
Ha! See you at the place of screams next week, Clone fans!