Leaping into tonight’s program, we’re back in the ER, where the doctors are searching for Helena’s identity, and stunned at how she even managed to survive. Cut to Sarah, with Felix at Art’s place, when the phone rings and it’s Kira! She’s only on it long enough to say she doesn’t know where she is (hiding under a blanket in a cheap motel-looking room) and that “there’s a man here.” Said Man comes over, disconnects the call, and looks scary for the camera.

After the credits, we’re at Aynsley’s funeral. The other Book Club Ladies are sneering and gossiping that Alison (rocking a fabulous updo) had the gall to show up at the service after sleeping with her husband. Imagine how they’d feel if they knew she’d watched Aynsley strangle to death! When her kids run up clutching flowers they took from Aynsley’s coffin, it’s time to go. But not before one of her play castmates comes up to be sympathetic and give her a biiiiiiig, unwanted hug. I can’t tell if it’s just for humor, since Alison clearly hates it, or if this is a “and that’s when the woman stole Alison’s wallet” moment.

“I just want to make crazy science with you in our new lab.” –Delphine to Cosima, at the intake interview with Leekie. Eccch. Leekie tells Cosima that Sarah has really pissed Rachel off, and you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry, yada yada. He’s doing a kind of “hey man, I just work here” thing that I’m sure is a front, and Cosima pretends that the other clones never trusted Sarah anyway.

I think you should all know that it’s only 15 minutes into the show and I’ve already fallen behind. They’re really leaving me no time to be funny. However, I have found the time to complain to you about this stupid Pringles Tortilla chips commercial, where they “dip” into an empty bowl. Look, I love a sleeve of Pringles as much as the next girl, but they basically arrive pre-broken. There’s no way in hell you could successfully dip one of them into anything remotely thick. So I suppose I should actually be giving kudos to the “Mad Men” geniuses for turning

Art and Sarah get to the hotel, but it’s too late–Kira and Scary Man are gone. As the emerge from the room, they see a guy who looks familiar approaching–ARt says “he’s been wanting to see him again.” Art frisks him while Sarah hides upstairs…giving her time to notice a little girl-sized shirt on the railing. Looking down the stairs, she sees a sock…and another sock…could Kira have been smart enough to leave a trail? No, of course not. This kid has already managed to follow homicidal Helena down the street, get hit by a car, and kidnapped. Scary Man left the trail, and grabs Sarah, telling her to keep her mouth shut if she ever wants to see her kid again.

Somewhere in here is a brief scene with a vet preparing to inseminate a cow, working with a clean-cut young man with a nervous disposition. He does well, the vet tells the young man he trusts him, and now he’s staying on? Feels culty.

Unfortunately, she’s traveling by car trunk, which would make anyone stroppy. The car pulls up in the middle of nowhere and Scary Man tells Kira (her hands bound) that he’ll help her out if she’s chill. She responds to this by kneeing him in the balls, but not in time to escape the hands that grab her from behind…which turn out to be attached to Mrs. S!!! She tells Kira she’s been through “an airlock” but doesn’t explain what that means. Only thing she says is that Scary Man is not a Prolethian.

More of Leekie’s tour–they go down to Cosima’s new lab, and she’s unimpressed, demanding customization. Leekie promises her the world (in the form of really great email and 3D biologic printers) and she seems blown away…but I get the sense she’s just playing content for Leekie (and Delphine’s?) sake.

Another crazy-ass song at play rehearsal. This play appears to be about cleaning up after a murder. Alison’s freaking out because the stuff is hitting a bit too close to home, and the director calls her down for some “special attention” that mostly involves grabbing her butt. Felix arrives just in time to bring Alison an airplane bottle of vodka (so much for her staying clean) and she tells him about letting Aynsley die; she feels terrible because she’s found a bunch of sketchy text messages on a phone that lead her to believe husband Donny is actually her monitor! Ruh-roh.

Sarah is grudgingly folloiwng Mrs. S until they arrive at a pretty stone house, which Mrs. S. calls “the place we landed when we left the UK.” A friendly older couple comes out–the “birdwatchers,” Mrs. S.’s old network–and then Kira is there, unharmed and overjoyed to be reunited with mommy. I guess these are the good guys.

Sleazy lawyer that Art harassed is now trying to get him suspended…but Art’s partner Angie has just discovered “the freaky Jane Doe” in the hospital, whom she can see is also a clone. Art is sick of it, and tells her to stay out of it, but Angie will not be dissuaded! Off to the hospital she goes, but when the helpful nurse takes her to Helena’s room, they are the only two people surprised to discover that Helena’s not there. Cut to Helena’s pigeon-toed feet (how does Maslany make even her feet look crazy?) in a wheelchair, groggily asking her escort, “Who are you?” The camera rises to show us the clean-cut young gentleman from the cow barn, who says only, “I’m family.” (Does that mean the cow is their mom?)

Back at Weird Culty Cow Palace, a girl brings a tray up to Helena’s room. Helena is lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to all the usual tubes and wires, and watched over by a shirtless gentleman who’s flagellating himself. (That doesn’t seem sanitary.) It’s Tomas! Helena’s brainwasher/captor/father figure. Tomas calls her an abomination and basically says she’s a demon; the Vet guy says he believes in science, and thinks she’s basically a miracle. Hey, turns out that Helena has mirror-image organs! Well, that seems convenient.

Alison and Felix are having a very pointed phone call in front of Donnie in order to test his loyalties. Alison makes sure he hears “Sarah” and then gives him a vague “I have to go out.” Donnie follows her to the cemetery and calls Leekie! Because “you told me to call if Alison had contact with a Sara something, right?” But the joke’s on him–Alison arranged for Sarah Stubbs, her consoling theatre friend, to meet her. Leekie’s exasperated, and Alison has spotted Donnie and knows the jig is up. He fumbles around a cover story and claims to be worried about her, but she’s pissed and about to cry, I think–presumably because now she knows she killed her best friend for nothing. (That said, her friend was kind of a bitch.)

MRs. S. plans to take Kira and head to London–without Sarah or Felix. Unsurprisingly, Sarah is not down with that plan, and whips out the photo that Amelia (her birth mom) gave her of Mrs. S. labeled “Project Leda.” Mrs. S. pleads ignorance, but no one trusts anyone now.

After the commercial break, it’s night at Birdwatcher Manor, where Brenda and her hubby are happy to be putting on dinner for a crowd. They talk about how Mrs. S. used to be a gunrunner, and how they lost “Jamie,” who’s Mr. Brenda’s dad. It all feels a little “reunion weekend at the IRA.”

Back to Dyad, where Cosima and Delphine are canoodling as they plan their shopping list to outfit the lab. First on the list better be a new lock for that door, because Rachel just lets herself right in while they’re making out. Rachel gives Delphine the boot and gives a raised eyebrow to Cosima, who says, “My sexuality is not the most interesting thing about me.”

Cosima wants to examine the original genome, but Rachel refuses, saying, “I assure you, the original genome was robust.” Rachel gives Cosima Sarah’s labs, asking her to find out why Sarah is different. Cosima spells it out: “You mean why she’s the only one who can have a child?” Why yes, that is what she means.

Harry goes out to take a call, and Kira wanders in a bit tired. Sarah goes to put her down for a nap, and Kira mentions that she saw Mrs. S. snooping through their stuff. That means it’s time to go, so Sarah and Kira slip out the back and try to steal a car–but the “car” is actually an old farm truck that whines and wheezes and won’t start in time. Mrs. S. is getting suspicious and then they hear the engine–Harry runs out to stop them, saying, “I can’t let you go!” while Brenda pulls a gun on Mrs. S.! Oh, Brenda, shame on you. But S can handle herself, grabbing Brenda’s right hand and skewering it to the tabletop with the carving fork, then using the matching knife on her left hand.

Sarah fends off Harry and gets away just as Mrs. S. gets outside, gun in hand. S goes back in to find out what happened with her supposed “safe house,” and Brenda confesses that she and Harry were bought off by the Prolethians. She also says she found God, for what it’s worth. Mrs. S. is very disappointed, and tells Brenda that Sarah and Kira are “Project Leda”…and then sits across the table and shoots Brenda in the face. (Wonder if she’ll unskewer the body?)

Felix’s phone rings and it’s Alison, distraught because she knows she’s married to her watcher. She’s sitting in her scrapbooking room washing down pills with white wine. Her sobriety is really taking a hit this week. She tells Felix he has to help her, but he can’t–he’s leaving town with Sarah and Kira, and can’t tell Alison where they’re going. He fobs her off on Cosima (and I’m betting that her phone’s not exactly secure at this point) and leaves.

Back at the Cow Palace, Tomas is still going on to the vet about how Helena’s an abomination and should be destroyed. The vet is listening politely while his creepy acolyte futzes in the background with something. Oh look! Turns out that something was either a nail gun or a captive bolt (for killing livestock), and either way, Tomas just got it to the back of the head. OK, that’s one less crazy person we need to keep track of…and it’s also the end of the episode. Whew!

So, we now have Dyad, the Clone Club, the Prolethians, Project Leda, and this unknown group that Mrs. S. is maybe now part of that isn’t Leda anymore? At this rate, they could all just take one clone and go their own way. Come back next week for more of that Solomonic wisdom!